Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
anonthistime Aug 2013
I know there are Mormon parents all over the world whose children take a backseat to the church. This is an area that I've struggled with and I don't know why I'm so bothered by it even years later. Perhaps, sharing my story will help me a little.
My mom worked full time while I was growing up. I have no problem with women working when they have children at home if they need to provide for their families or just because they want to. Lots of kids grow up in similar circumstances. My issue is that my mom chose to spend a great deal of time away from her family so that my parents could be full tithe payers. My mom was the type that thought tithing should be paid on gross income, as well as every gift and every dime that was found on the sidewalk. I was regularly told that all of her income went to pay my parents' tithing and they wouldn't be able to afford it otherwise. I remember overhearing conversations where my dad pleaded with my mom to alter how they calculated tithing so that she could spend more time with us kids.
Because my mom worked, I was responsible for all the household duties. I did all the cleaning and laundry and babysat my younger siblings for years until I left for college. I could never participate in any extracurricular activities at school, because I always had responsibilities at home.
My mom often went right from work to attend church meetings. She always had callings that required a lot of her time and never missed homemaking etc. The demands on her time often made her exhausted and grouchy. I was regularly yelled at when things weren't done exactly to her liking. I believe that a lot of the perfectionist tendencies that I struggle with today stem from not being quite "enough" for my mom.
I grew up in a time when few non-Mormon mothers worked and virtually no Mormon mothers worked. The crazy thing is that while my mother was off working hard for tithing dollars, she was often gossiped about in the ward because few people in our ward thought it was acceptable for her to work.
Sometimes the situation bothered me as a child, but it wasn't until I became an adult with children of my own that I have become angry about it. It angers me that my parents put the demands of the church before the needs of their children. As a mother myself who would do anything for her children, I just don't understand it. I know Mormon indoctrination runs deep, but still.
I know no parent is perfect and I have a good relationship with my parents. I just wish I could find a way to let go of my anger.
On the plus side, this issue helped me see the church for what it is.
Anyone else have a similar situation? Thoughts?
Elder Berry
Re: Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
I'm mad as Hell.
Mine had too many kids for their mental conditions and played us against each other for their egos. LDS Inc. provided them the justifications and rationalizations to be both overbearing and negligent.
They took care of our physical needs as if we were their pets. They tried to be externally perfect people to be adored by the ward as the perfect family.
Hell yeah I'm angry. I exist because of LDS Inc. My mother thought it her duty to marry the nicest man that found her. She would have remained single had my father not pursued her.
chopped liver
I was pretty mad
My dad did some stuff that alienated his family (me included) and got himself excommunicated.
He died a couple years ago...having reconciled himself with his church, because that was important to him, but he didn't reconcile with his children.
The church brags about how family oriented they are, but advise people to disown their families when they don't believe any more. Stupid.
anon for now
Re: Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
I was about 11 when I realized my parents loved the church more than they loved their own kids.
I grew up very resentful about that. My mother didn't work, but we paid in other ways. She was extremely depressed and was forced to be reclusive for lack of a vehicle. I was never allowed to do anything extra curricular because there wasn't money. I had no way to get there because we only had one car. We lived way out in the country so we could have a milk cow and chickens as part of that stupid food storage plan. To this day I don't drink milk or eat eggs. I was furious when I wasn't allowed to participate in something for lack of a lousy $10.
There were a lot of kids in our family. There often wasn't enough food. I was always embarrassed about the clothing I wore. Mostly hand me downs. It was humiliating when it was hand me downs from people in the ward.
My parents paid tithing once a month. I saw them put the money in an envelope along with fast offerings. I knew exactly what that money could have bought. It could have given me a way more normal life. It most certainly could have given our family a second car. It would have bought socks and underwear without holes. It could have bought enough food. It would have been life changing if that money had gone to our family instead of church.
Heartless
Re: Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
Do you mean like taking food off the table and taking it the neighbors because she forgot it was her turn to feed them?
Or being so actively engaged in work for the dead I had to walk to any weekend activities.
How about being coherced into making eagle scout by 13 so the ward would know she was a good mother?
Was it all times I was supposed to be like so-n-so who was a better mormon than me? (She had no idea what they were really like when no one was looking)
Or all the times I needed help and church callings kept them away.
Was it raising my brother who was 16 years younger than me because they were gone so often?
Does it do any good to stand on the beach and be mad at the sea because the tide comes in?
Long ago I decided that I am what I am because of what I experienced. My anger long ago burned away.
lucky
Re: Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
Elder Berry Wrote:
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> They took care of our physical needs as if we were
> their pets.
On my MORmON parent's place/ farm, the four legged livestock lived outdoors and the two legged livestock got to live indoors. That meant us 2 two legged human livestock (the MORmON children) could move out the to chicken coupe at any time if we did not do enough to help with taking care of the four legged livestock, or felt inclined to complain about having to do so many chores. To prevent any doubts or questions about how this arrangement worked, we were explicitly reminded about it on a regular basis. My MORmON male parent thought this was funny.
Years later, when I finally wanted no part of his stupid ass MORmON religion, his sense of humor was no where to be found.
healyourpast
Re: Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
Yep.
At 14 I was diagnosed with Ovarian Cysts and the doctor prescribed The Pill - or should I say, he tried to.
My TBM mother refused. So, instead of having a normal high school experience, I almost failed out each year from excessive days missed.
I have forgiven her, but she was far more interested in avoiding the appearance of evil than she was in her own daughter not be in severe pain or hospitalized on a regular basis.
bezoar
Re: Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
I struggle with this as well. I know my parents love me unconditionally and would do anything for me. I resigned from mormonism and came out as gay, which did absolutely nothing to change their love for me.
But I also resent all the time given over to mormonism. My mom worked full-time to put all of us kids through college. At the same time she had stake callings. We lived in the midwest, which meant there were often meetings on the weekends at the stake center an hour away.
Dad was very busy with his job, plus he was in the stake presidency. He was hardly ever at home while I was in high school. When he was home he was exhausted and grumpy. That was years ago, and I still resent that the family had to bear the brunt of all the stress my Dad was under with work and church. And I HATED how whenever we discussed doing something together as a family we had to schedule around everyone's church callings and meetings, relegating family time to whatever was left over after the church's needs were met.
I know my parents thought they were doing what was right for the family. But I hate how a church that is supposed to be so "family oriented" forces so many to spend so much time away from their families!
Elder Berry
Re: Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
Heartless Wrote:
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> Does it do any good to stand on the beach and be
> mad at the sea because the tide comes in?
Now that I'm grown I don't like to think my parents are a force of nature. They believe they are going to be gods. I don't need to encourage that and yes being mad about things I had no control of help me. It tells me that I am an emotional creature and not some godlet that should thank the tide for surrounding me with the glories of godlets.
gentlestrength
Re: Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
Most Mormon parents love the Mormon church more than their kids.
Mormonism providing eternal families really works for mom.
Dad is trickier--either power tripper or just wants mom to be happy. Could be more reasons. Lots of anons starting threads, don't want to be too personal with the anons. One time I did was a flare up that I didn't care about.
mrremlap
Re: Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
My mom is a fruitcake fanatic. She loves her LDSinc. She has always put her church above her family. Her 4 children have run from her like rats from a sinking ship. My mother is only a life donor to me not a true mom.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/06/2013 06:39PM by mrremlap.
anon for now
Re: Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
i'm currently being stalked.
Heartless
Re: Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
I was refering to Canute and the tide. I forget the age difference. Old men can often pull things from the mists of time that younger generations have never heard of.
Shay
Re: Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
This has been one of the hardest things for me leaving the church. My family will always choose it over me. Families come first my ass!
Elder Berry
I've read this before
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cnut_the_Great#Ruler_of_the_waves
I just didn't understand the reference.
I think commanding the elements with LDS Inc.'s priesthood just as effective. To be mad when a blessing of health fails is more ridiculous than mad at parents who could have acted differently, but there was that LDS Inc. priesthood telling them they were special.
WinksWinks
Re: Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
Yes, it's a false comparison. As much as my past makes me who I am today, that does not excuse my parents.
The tide doesn't choose to wreck your sand castle, the tide comes in regardless. But parents choose the church over their children in many ways as this thread full of stories illustrates, perhaps mostly worst cases, but very valid examples.
Children instinctively know when they are put on the back burner to a corporation.
Normal people want to do better for their children than was done for them, but mormon parents are encouraged to do as little as possible, the better to build the kingdom of cultco.
My mother begrudged me everything. Yeah, it was their money to do with as they pleased, but they created me voluntarily...unlike what their church tells them...
And I watch my friends with kids. While they complain about expenses now and then, they also take joy in watching their kids do "all those things I never got to do!". Not begrudgingly, but enthusiastically, and with pride.
And they don't resent their parents, the grandparents, because they got to do a few things that the grandparents couldn't do either!
In normal families I see a progression of bettering each generation, but in my relatives I see poverty, miserliness, resentment, and joy is only pulled out on Sundays, after all the screaming at home, once they finally arrive at church, everyone uncomfortable and unhappy. Why do they take their only joy in suffering? None of them are jesus, they have all forgotten "men are that they might have joy".
And I googled that and find it is a BoM thing, not even from the bible.
cfutahn
Re: Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
Actually not really for me. I was glad that my dad was away a lot for church callings. I wish he'd been away more. Haha. But I am angry that they seem to favor all my siblings because they are all active. My mom won't put my wedding picture up in their house because I wore a halter dress. She said she wants a picture of me dressed "nice". I.e. modestly
cl2
My family didn't choose the lds church over me
even when I left--but then many of them left sooner than I did. My dad was never all that active. My dad did put work "over his family" and we also worked very hard on the family farm. I think my dad preferred to not be home with the 6 children, but he also had a family to support and I can't say that I blame him because I sure had a hard time staying home with my kids.
My mother was a SAHM. She would have been MUCH HAPPIER if she had at least worked part time. When she did work now and then--like during tax season for a month--she was a much happier person.
My parents didn't sacrifice for the lds church and they didn't turn their backs on their children who chose to leave it--thank whomever.
Stray Mutt
I just envied my gentile friends and their normal parents.
jpt
They still do... siblings as well.
They cannot miss Sunday church or the time needed for their callings. Doesn't matter how infrequently we may see each other, or consider the distance traveled. Church is first. Family isn't. So, they probably think I'm the one that doesn't visit them. Actually it's because I don't want to spend half the weekend at church with them... or watching them prepare for their Sunday callings.
gentlestrength
Re: Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
There are some here, on Earth because of Mormonism. Not me, I was first, but number 5-14, good chance you exist because of Mormonism.
Weird twist on the subject. Parents value Mormonism more than their kids, but the kids wouldn't exist if it weren't for Mormonism. Mind bender. Go forth and be happy!
donbagley
Re: Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
There was a time when I was stealing my school lunches while my father gave extra money (beyond tithing) to the church building fund. I was fourteen.
JasonK
Re: Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
When I was a pre-teen and teen, my mother was stake primary president, my father a high counselman. My mother's calling took a tremendous amount of time (in hindsight, my father's took much less time that I would have expected.) On the other hand, my brothers and I pretty much did damn well what we pleased, which involved explosives among other things.
Years later my mother admitted that accepting that calling was probably a mistake, but she didn't know how to say no. Unfortunately, she would probably now deny ever making that admission.
budweiserbaby
Re: Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
My mom worked a job and when she wasn't at work she was at the temple. She'd go to the SLC temple (live sessions) and she would stay for 3 sessions sometimes. My dad would be gone and it would be myself and 4 siblings alone in the house. Nowadays she would have been reported to Child Protection Services. After my mom left my dad, it got no better.
I have NO parenting skills. I took Jeffrey Hollands advice and had lots of kids, I have 8. I'm having a hell of a time raising them. My parents taught me nothing. I'm trying to learn this as I go and I'm going to sign up for parenting classes soon.
spanner
Re: Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
Got dumped in a playground, as the oldest looking after the younger kids during temple sessions.
After the three oldest girls left home, leaving a big gap in the family with much younger kids thereafter, my youngest brother tells me that they got locked in the car during temple sessions. This was when the family lived an hour away from the temple.
When people lock their kids in a car outside a bar or casino, they get the kids taken off them.
My mother believed that if she was in the temple no harm could come to the kids. This was proved tragically wrong when one of my younger sisters was molested by the Aaronic priesthood-holding son of the family the kids had been left with while they stayed overnight at the temple (after moving 5 hours away).
fluhist
Re: Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
I truly am sorry to hear of all your sad experiences in childhood. I am guilty of being a good Mormon before I was a good Mum, and I can honestly say I regret it. There were a lot of factors, not just the Church, but the large family I had was WAY too big for me, I was overwhelmed by it all and an inactive husband who cheated on me.
I have apologised to my children who will listen to the apology.
I want you all to know that I am really sorry that some of us failed as parents (not totally, I was a good Mum in some ways), and I hope someday you will find peace with it. You will need to feel all the anger, all the upset and every feeling that is part of recovery, but I hope that you and my children, will be happy.
blueorchid
Re: Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
Because my father was always the bishop, more than eleven years, I never saw him except for discipline. I ended up not wanting to see him at all. It just shouldn't have been that way. He really was a good man just trying to do his best. I realized it many years later. The church robbed us. There is no insurance for that.
Lethbridge Reprobate
Re: Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
My Dad and Mom didn't...ever. They both held callings, EQP, HC and RSP but our family time was precious and nothing got in the way of it.
Ron Burr
Mia
Re: Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
Oh yes! I've been there. It started in first grade. I would steal three pennies so I could buy milk.
Observer
Re: Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
I would never place anything before my children. Specially if it is used to pay some salaries or education for the children of the so called leaders. No way jose
deconverted2010
Re: Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
I hear you fluhist. I am a convert and just wanted to measure up as a mormon and that meant doing all I was asked to do. In retrospect it was too much and too much money that was taken from my family. And even though it is not nearly as bad as those of you from mormon generations, I have felt pain for the years lived as a mormon. I have apologized to my kids and hope for the best for the next generations. I now get out of my way to make up for the lost time and opportunities.
deconverted2010
Re: Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
I feel for all of you and many times they make me think of many families in our stake who seem too perfect on Sundays but the sad eyes from the kids tell a different tale.
I didn't grow up mormon but did invest too much time and money that should have gone to my family. I do get angry, especially when the subject of tithing comes up, when I hear the stories of those growing up without because of tithing or when I read about the luxuries and properties that the GA enjoy. What a twisted mentality to "pay" the church firsst and then let he kids go without. I can't believe I never saw the ill advise and money scam sooner.
ozpoof
Re: Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
Yes. Still do. My mother goes to church rather than spend time with her granddaughter.
When I was a kid mum was always at meetings.
Dorothy
Re: Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
This is heart breaking. Every struggling tithe payer should read your post.
Elder Berry
Re: Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
lucky Wrote:
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> My MORmON male parent
> thought this was funny.
Sad. Children are people too. They aren't adornments in your own firmament of stars and planets.
There is not multilevel glory system in The Universe.
Elder Berry
Re: Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
WinksWinks Wrote:
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> And I googled that and find it is a BoM thing, not
> even from the bible.
Nope. I've look several times. Nada. It is the most powerful ideology in Mormonism in my opinion.
GetTheLedZepOut
Re: Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
It is amazing....but not very surprising....to read so may stories so similar. And so much like mine. As I read through so many stories I can't help shaking my head and wondering how any church could so completely control entire generations of followers.
I've actually become more bitter towards my parents as the years go by, and especially since I've discovered the depth of the momo deception and fraud. They really do love the church more than their kids or even each other.
And it started from the beginning. Dad was never with the family either at nights or on Sunday. Always in a bishoprick, as bishop, or in stake callings. And the damned ward budget and tithing! I only wish that money could have put more food on our table or bought decent clothes. I shake my head in dismay when I recall instances of when a bishop would meet with my parents for a "special" meeting only to demand yet more in budget allocation. On one occasion I recall overhearing it was several hundred dollars and mom being so distraught because they couldn't even feed us adequately. Amazingly, it never crossed her mind that they could say no to the church. The peer pressure to appear as "stalwart" as the next guy was just too much.
The "church first" attitude was ultra-fanatical. We could miss school or other things for sickness but not church. Like so many others, we'd be dragged along coughing and wheezing and primed to infect everyone else. Even today, they will move heaven and earth to attend the temple or some other church responsibility. They can drive for hours to a church event or reunion but cant seem to make it to see us.
Funny how a church so supposedly family oriented is probably the worst I've ever seen as ripping families apart.
vh65
Re: Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
Ouch! So sorry for you kids, especially your sister. From an outside perspective true believers can do and think things that are just crazy.
honestone
Re: Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
Wanted to make a comment before they close this thread. But being a non mormon if this happened had I been a Mormon I still know that even at age 12, 15 or 18 I would begin the process of separating from my family. Doesn't the Holy Spirit alone tell you THAT kind of treatment is all wrong. It would me.
Now I will read all the other comments.
blueorchid
Re: Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
That is a fair comment, but more than likely, many just get married and repeat the same behavior all over again, unfortunately. That is what indoctrination is all about. The lucky ones break the chain. I really hope your daughter does.
vh65
Re: Anyone else angry that their parents put the church before their families?
Wow reading this makes me so grateful that while I was growing up my BIC parents had their own mixed feelings about TSCC. They paid a full tithe (plus a little extra when they got wealthier) and went to church when they were in town. But from my early childhood they visited the grandparents about every third weekend and because of things that had happened in their teens refused to attend the ward in their hometown. They worked in scouts and primary but didn't like adult meetings - mom skipped out of all relief society for years. They told us to take a lot of church teachings "with a grain of salt" so I guess you could say they were semi-NOMs.
That doesn't mean kids always came first. When we were teens my dad spent most weekdays and nights away on business trips. My mom worked M-W then spent Thurs-Sunday caring for her very ill mother in that hometown, three hours away. Dad joined her on weekends, and we fended for ourselves a lot. Seemed like a clean house was more important than seeing us when they were home.
I didn't mind so much. I enjoyed the freedom and I saw how happy working made my mom. (She was cranky, but happier, i could tell). She stayed home for 5 years when we were little and became fat, lonely, and depressed. When she went back to work she was so much more animated and fulfilled. Of course I grew up in the 1970s and it seemed like "a woman's place is in the home" was repeated five times every Sunday. I think there were whispers about my mom, though her job wasn't full time. I heard it so often that to this day I don't know how anyone can reconcile having a career with being a good Mormon woman, let alone a mom. I think my rejection of that view is a big part of why I left. I would have been depressed if I had married young and had nonstop babies from 18-45.
OP, I have done and read a lot of research about women and role conflict, and most women are like my mom and me. They are happy when they do things that give them rewards they can't get from cooking and cleaning and even childcare. Money, respect, challenges, social interaction, learning opportunities... Work and volunteer work offer this. I think on some level your mom just disliked housework and needed that emotional boost from working. It wasn't fair for her to dump so much responsibility on you, but high tithing was probably a twisted way that she was able to justify keeping her job and still see herself as a good Mormon woman. Missing church activities would have made that view less acceptable, even to herself. I feel sorry for early Mormon feminists, trying to cope and figure things out, but with that extra sexism from the 1970s. It's tough even now.
I hope that this social stigma against women being educated and working is one of the things that mysteriously changes in LDS doctrine, because it holds families back, encouraging too many kids and greater poverty. It's not just Mormons - lots of Muslims, Catholics, and others have similar issues.
I have tried to work with schedules that still give me lots of time for my kids, but it doesn't always work out. I think balance between work, family (and church) is tough to achieve, and you adjust based on life stage, hoping you still have enough energy and passion to go around.
Funny, but my mom still resents the many times her mother put her role as RS president over her family, leaving her daughters to cope with the house and little ones. I am hoping her new love of RS will help her heal. Hoping my kids won't resent my priorities. And that for my daughters, it will be less of a struggle.
"Recovery from Mormonism - www.exmormon.org"