Why do we still write about the Mormon church even after leaving it?

WonderingWhy Nov. 2013

I had my name removed from the record of the church several months ago. Although my DW [dear wife] has not done the same, she no longer believes nor attends. She did ask me the other day, why do I still think and read and write about the Church now that I have left it. To be honest, I wasn't sure and that has started some introspection for me.

If some of you would not mind, would share why you still think about and write about the church even after you have decided it was false and stopped attending?

Re: Why do we still write about the church even after leaving it?
Interesting question, I guess.

But far more fascinating is why people talk about and write about the mormon church and still go and still believe.

I can't get my brain around that.

Can you take a stab at it?

Re: Why do we still write about the church even after leaving it?
The church is such a HUGE part of your life that when you leave you need to process it. Maybe not grieve the loss of the church, but deal with all of the changes in your life and start unpacking the different lays of crap.

I mean, first you come to terms with it not being true, then you get a wave of "all these people that I look up to believed it (or lied to me)", etc.

I think people come here to vent, learn, process- and eventually they realize they are whole again without the church.

Re: Why do we still write about the church even after leaving it?

This is what a good friend of mine has to say about this.

Re: Why do we still write about the church even after leaving it?
Mormonism plays a HUGE role in a person's life. It isn't just a church that you attend on Sunday and disregard the rest of the week. Mormonism entagles itself in how you dress, your daily habits, your family, your thinking, and plays a role in your identity. It is difficult to simply dismiss a huge portion of your life and walk away. Mormonism isn't just a religion. It is a culture, society, way of life, etc. It takes time to establish new patterns of living.

As another poster said, there is processing that needs to take place. There is a need to disseminate the experience and ask, "What happened to me?" There are also the questions of trying to figure out the self. "Who am I?" "What do 'I' believe without Mormonism in my life?" This is why I believe that there is a period of soul searching after Mormonism which can take years.

This is why Mormonism is so toxic. It strips away an individual's identity and uniqueness. It forces people to conform to their system.

Re: Why do we still write about the church even after leaving it?
Well for one thing, it took up more than 30 years of my life. So no matter how much I might want to just forget about it, I'd be completely invalidating a huge portion of my life by doing so.
Re: Why do we still write about the church even after leaving it?
WW2 ended decades ago, why do we still write and talk about it to this day?

Re: Why do we still write about the church even after leaving it?
LDS, Inc abused me and continues to abuse people in my life. I think about and write about mormonism because I am trying to help myself and others.

I'll put it another way: it's like LDS, Inc. drove a rusty, jagged railroad spike into my back and left it there. It's not something I can shake off or ignore.

Re: Why do we still write about the church even after leaving it?
The church to anyone who has/had it in their lives is a big fuckin deal. When you were an active member it was a big fuckin deal. It was wildly responsible for how you are now, especially if you were born into it. It was your tribe. And now you realized the founding pillars of that tribe were built on hoax after hoax. So even now you pulled yourself out of its clutches AND you lost a powerful social network. It's a big fuckin deal.

(I think my jack/ex mo friends who just walked away haven't actually confronted the enormous reality of the enormous hoax of the church.)

so far so good.
Stage one: Aversion therapy. Get myself so disgusted I can't be reactivated.

Stage two: Was any of it true? My oldest asked if I was going to prove that EVERY story was a lie (commission or omission). Yes I am.

Stage three: Why did I fall for it? Studying cults and their techniques.

When I get to the next stage I'll let you know.

Cali Sally
Re: so far so good.
Stage Four: Helping others to see the light of truth by confessing my error in promoting LDS, Inc. RfM is a great platform for preaching truth.

Re: Why do we still write about the church even after leaving it?
BEAUSE FINALLY! FINALLY! we have a place where we can!
We can say everything we think and know. We can talk about all of our experiences and thoughts. We can do this without being afraid.
We no longer have to be afraid of talking about mormonism and being punished. We don't have to worry about losing friends and family because we learned something about mormonism.

Finally! we have an outlet. We have a community of people who know what we know, think like we think, and have lived through much of what we've experienced.

Finally! we can vent. We don't have to grit our teeth and be silent. We can talk about anything and everything we've ever thought about or experienced.

Finally, we have real live peers. We no longer have to pretend that we believe, think, and are ok with everything that's happened to us in our lives as mormons.

Finally! we have someone who feels what we feel. For so long, and for so many years we had nobody. If we even dared to speak up the punishment would have been more than we could take. We have been set free from the sickness and the binding chains called Mormonism.

Finally! We are free to shout from the rooftops all that we know. All that we have discovered. All that we hope our loved ones will someday realize and know.

Finally! The gag has been removed. All thanks to the internet, and the brave people who have studied, and researched mormonism and had the courage to tell the world what they found. Thanks to them we are now free. IMO we owe it to them to take what they have worked so hard to discover, and we need to tell the world. Not just members. Tell the world! If we tell the world, there will be no more converts. We may not see our families leave, but there will be no more converts. Eventually Mormonism will be so small and inconsequential that nobody will care about them.

We need to shout out the truth. We are lucky to have the means to do that. We've waited 180 years to shout out the truth of mormonism. Truth will bring the liars to their knees.

Re: Why do we still write about the church even after leaving it?
This is exactly how I feel! I only recently found this forum, I wished I had found it when I first left the church. I had no one to talk to about what I went through leaving the church. Talking about it now and hearing others stories and opinions about mormonism is such an emotional outlet for me. I feel like I am finally able to deal with the effect the church had on me.

Re: Why do we still write about the church even after leaving it?
"Why do we still write about the church even after leaving it?"

That is a very good question, WonderingWhy, and one that our TBM friends and family are bound to ask us at some point after we leave. It's good to have some kind of answer to the "you can leave it but you can't leave it alone" sneer.

But it's also important to note your DW's attitude about leaving: her sheer indifference. Many more ex-mormons than us, I suspect, just fall away and don't think too much about it afterwards. That's valid, too. ANY way out of LDSinc. is valid and just as good as another, we all being different beings with different ways and needs etc. Some will write and think about it for years and some will never think much about it again.

For my part, I'm glad people come here and write about their experience, feelings and thoughts about LDSinc. I have no need to do so anymore, but every once in a while I need to read about it.


It's like a divorce
Some people are fortunate to have an amicable separation and a clean break...stereotypically they may not have married in the church and had kids in the church and leave before incompensable losses. The church stole a lot of their time, money, and emotions...but some people can almost completely leave the church behind and "cut their losses".

Others have ongoing major baggage...a Mormon spouse, kids, relatives and in-laws, many of whom flip out when you leave, burdening relationships and emotions for years indefinitely. Some live in Mormon communities where you become a disrespected minority by leaving the church. Some have simply given so much to the church and been a fool for the church so long they don't have a do-over left.

Mormonism is stuck in my head and in my life like a 25-year marriage and kids would have been...a lifelong deal. I spent tens of thousands of dollars and hours on it over decades, it was formative to my persona. It reached into the most private corners of my life, sexuality, personal decisions, everything.

I HAVE to deal with it one way or another. I HAVE to decide how to handle the situations that happen all the time between the Mormon loved ones in my life. It's not realistic to just apply a blanket rule to everything as if there were one. I NEED to think things through anew and write, talk, read.

Re: Why do we still write about the church even after leaving it?
I think that leaving sometimes results in some form of PTSD that may never go away.

It's also like finding out that you've paid into a 401k your whole life only to learn that it's a giant ponzi scheme. Almost everyone knows it but your entire blue collar family, including your aging parents are STILL investing when they've never had a lot to begin with. It makes you want to scream from a rooftop.

I am permanently damaged by the abuse. My parents will pay and obey until the day that they are burried in their goofy temple outfits. On that day, I intend to tell the church that my family is entitled to a refund.

Re: Why do we still write about the church even after leaving it?
1. Because I am fascinated that I bought the con for so long, so I like to study it and see why I did that.

2. To expose it (in on-line forums).

3. To tell people who might be tempted to join what I now know.

4. To learn even more stuff that will help me in discussions.

5. It's become a hobby and I enjoy it.

For support
I am part of a large TBM family. The church will always be present in my life. No matter what. I can't leave the church alone because it won't leave me alone.

If I ever have the financial means, I will move far away from all of my family (who I love dearly) and then the only time I'll have to be surrounded by Mormon stuff is when I visit for the holidays.

Otherwise, I would never think about the church.

Also, I check in on RFM hoping there will be some sort of news that will finally be the key to get my loved ones to see the truth. (Wishful thinking).

Re: Why do we still write about the church even after leaving it?
In some ways for me it's kind of like rooting for my favorite team. I'm always wanting to check on the scores.

It is also a process of how I am going to deal with it now. My husband and child remain LDS. What now is my roll in this whole thing? How do I choose to approach this matter? I may have left the church but it is still a part of my every day life.

Re: Why do we still write about the church even after leaving it?
Because any organization that tells me what kind of underwear to use is gonna take awhile to get over...

I must admit; ol JS had all the bases covered...

Re: Why do we still write about the church even after leaving it?
I feel like I've fully recovered, however, the church is a key part of my identity, and is why the way I am today. Although I have managed to change my personality and lifestyle hugely since leaving the church, I still have moments when I'm scared to do something, or troubled by something, and I know my mormon upbringing is the reason why.

My family are still mormons, and I am still friends with many mormons, so it does still play a small part in my life.

Also, I'm just in the habit of checking RfM when I'm bored.

Re: Why do we still write about the church even after leaving it?
I know the inside jokes and the comments make me laugh.

Re: Why do we still write about the church even after leaving it?
It's simple, I think. It's our history. People generally keep some kind of record of their history: writings, greeting cards, photos, etc.

Writing is also part of the process of making a huge change in our lives and adjusting to our "New Normal".
It's healthy. Talking to someone about it also is helpful.

Re: Why do we still write about the church even after leaving it?
Because actual damage has been done and healing is necessary.

There are losses to be dealt with, similar to losing your longterm plans when you divorce. You will never travel st the world or live in Aspen, etc.

We have to let go of the Celestial Kingdom and the comfort of knowing we were valiant in the pre-existence and are a royalty generation raised up for the last days. Instead we are cult victims who have been fleeced by conmen.

This is not an easy transition and there are stages, like the five stages of grief, and people need to vent, someplace to ask if they will always feel empty, or angry and what's the best way to tell the spouse/parents/children, etc.

Personally, I've been out since the early eighties. When I think of the various ways I could volunteer and help people, nothing comes close to the satisfaction I feel when I let people know how to recover from Mormonism.

When I share the damage Mormonism did to my life and my children (death, insanity, addiction, sex abuse) and then to share the truly happy life I have now, the joy I feel in living free and fulfilled, I think it gives hope that one's life is not "over" and there is real light after running from the phony claims of "more" light that Mormonism offered to suck you in.

I am here not only out of compassion but to make something good come out of something horrible. I my spend the rest of my life cursing the day I was baptized or I can recover the person I was meant to be and consider myself lucky to be free now.


Re: Why do we still write about the church even after leaving it?
It's like getting a divorce when they're are kids involved, you still have to deal with the ex!

On a more serious not, I find religion more fascinating now than I ever have, not just mormonism but all religions. Where I never would have been interested is knowing too much about other belief systems, I now find that I'm very curious to know not just what they believe but why they believe it.

You can't just switch off something that's been a part of your life for so long, for me it was 34 years. The same goes for anything in your life. If I emigrated to another country, I wouldn't suddenly lose interest in my native country. it's part of who I am.

Re: Why do we still write about the church even after leaving it?
To expect people to just "forget about" or "get over" being a member for years (35 in my case) is absurd, unfair and unrealistic. It's like asking someone to just "get over" 35 years of a traumatic marriage.

People who want you to get over it or not talk about it are usually acting with their own convenience in mind, not your well-being.

I find the whole subject "fascinating"
And no matter how far away from the lds church I get emotionally, mentally, psychologically, it shaped who I am in many ways. I also have a TBM daughter--who I love dearly.

I come here because I find it interesting to read. I like the discussion. I also still learn new things from reading here.

I've come to terms for the most part with my life and how it has turned out. I accept I'll never be completely done with mormonism and that's okay.

I also get bored while working, so I come here to read for a bit and then go back to work. I've searched for other places to read, but I always come back here.

Re: Why do we still write about the church even after leaving it?
Unless you have no friends or family who are mormon, you can't ever totally leave mormonism. It's there taunting you when you're the only adult male who's not in the blessing circle, or waiting outside the temple while your child gets married. Then there are the constant forwarded emails from nephew missionaries...

Mormon apologists criticize exmos for not leaving the church alone. It's really the church that won't leave us alone.

Re: Why do we still write about the church even after leaving it?
For me it's an emotional release since I work and live around so many mos. If a person lives in Utah you can't go a day without it being shoved in your face one way or another.
Because, for my wife and I, you can leave the church but the church
can't leave you alone. People think leaving-the-church is a sign-the-papers-and-you're-done kind of thing but its not. Your character is constantly questioned, people will try to go around you to convert your kids (in our case up to 13 years after we resigned!), family members will presume to preach to you at any given moment, TBMs will pretend to be your friend when in reality they just want a story for their next testimony meeting, if you have TBM kids you will not be allowed to attend their weddings. Most of us grew up in the church so most of our relatives are mormon. Many of us live in mormon communities. It goes on and on.

So, in answer to the question, we talk and write about mormonism because most of us can't get away from it.

Re: Why do we still write about the church even after leaving it?
The manner in which different people proceed with their recovery from Mormonism depends on the extent to which they were affected and how much unavoidable involvement they still have after quitting. Long term TBMs have the most difficulty with recovery.

The longer a person was an active Mormon and the greater the extent of Mormonism in their life after leaving then the greater the need for an active recovery.

Thankfully I was on the low end of the need for recovery scale. Even though I was BIC, I never believed it and I went totally inactive by age 17. A month later, in my mind the CoJCoLDS had never existed. Out of sight, out of mind.

"Recovery from Mormonism - www.exmormon.org"