This time I don't have to stand out in the rain! (kinda long, humor me) new

By NormaRae Dec 2011 Daughter's earlier temple marriage

My daughter sent me a picture of her beautiful new engagement ring today. I couldn't possibly be happier. This is round 2. They're both in their mid 30s. They each have a son and have no plans for any more children. They both have established careers. They consider themselves Unaffiliated Christians and are happy to keep it that way. They have spent enough quality time together to know they're compatible, and seem to have genuine love and mutual respect for each other, for their commitment as a couple but also for their respective independence.

What a difference 15 years makes. Round 1 was your typical TBM wedding. DD was only 19 and her fiance was 24. Neither one had more than a year or so toward their education, they'd known each other less than a year and had been engaged only 6 months. Like their parents before them and countless other young 20s TBMs, they just wanted to have sex. Which in TBMese means get married so you don't succumb to the temptations of Satan and do the dirty deed. They had no wedding to plan, that was all done for them--she had a beautiful wedding dress, but so f'ing was covered up by a silly costume, funny hats and green fig leafs. They got married looking like clowns.

Their mothers were both standing outside in the Atlanta rain. I was still an active member, but newly divorced and not up to date on my dues, so I decided to spend what little money I had to help with the reception rather than buy my ticket to the wedding. Groom's mother also couldn't qualify. We both stood in the off and on rain, just to be able to get a picture of them in front of a building under grey skies when they came out.

Daughter had taken out her endowments the night before and even though I tried to prepare her and even though she didn't have to do the pantomiming of her own violent demise and hugging a dirty old man through some thin fabric, she was shell shocked. I hadn't prepared her for the fact that the wedding was so impersonal and cold and lifeless. I hadn't thought to tell her that they would make no vows to each other, he would make his vows to the church and she would "give" herself to him. We had a nice reception and they had a stupid ring ceremony but it was a reception, not a wedding and her husband just wanted to get out of there and go screw, as did every other temple-married guy I've ever known. After they left I turned to my friend and said "what can I do"? She said, "just be there for her when she gets divorced."

She tried. It didnt' work. They had a child but were divorced before they'd been married 7 years. She worked and put herself through nursing school. She studied her way out of the cult and resigned her membership. She has been through some horrendous relationships since then, but luckily, didn't jump into marriage for sex and was able to figure out that they were wrong for her before she ended up married with more children. She now has a good career as an oncology research nurse supervisor. She has found someone who is smart, has a sense of humor, treats her like she deserves to be treated, has a nice home, is wonderful to his son and hers alike and doesn't have to marry her to have sex, but wants to for the commitment he wants to have to her for life.

Tonight I was able to tell her to do this wedding exactly like she wants. First of all, she actually gets to plan her own wedding. It won't be dictated to her. She can have real vows, real "in sickness and in health" and "for richer or poorer" or whateverthehell they want to vow to each other. She can make it simple or elaborate (I think she's leaning toward simple, outdoors on his 8 acres of beauty). She can invite anyone she wants to invite as long as she understands that I will be there even if I have to crash it. LOL. I will be invited and will not have to show my pass.

It was so fun to talk about with her. It feels so right. I don't have a pit in the bottom of my stomach knowing she's doing the same stupid thing in the same stupid cult that I did. It's how a parent is supposed to feel when their child gets married. She is so lucky to get to do it over again and do it RIGHT this time. She deserves it.

Re: This time I don't have to stand out in the rain!
I am so happy for you.
Re: This time I don't have to stand out in the rain!
That's awesome!

Sounds like a better start to a better life. All the best!

How wonderful for all of you!
Your description of the two of you having to stand outside of the temple while both of your children were being the Mormons can justify this abysmal practice is beyond me.
Re: This time I don't have to stand out in the rain!
Thank you for sharing that. What a drastic change from a stupid Temple wedding to one where the bride and groom actually get to plan it. I have one more tbm daughter to marry. I have already decided I will NOT stand outside the Temple like a reject to watch her come out the door. I gave birth to this girl,and raised her till she left home at 19 to go to college. And for that I can't watch her be married???
Stupid church.
Oh, my sentiments exactly
If I had it to do again, there is no way I would set foot on the temple grounds to even lend any dignity to that stupid mockery of a wedding. Of course, my daughter did apologize to me, even when she was still TBM and said if she had it to do again she would have had a real wedding where the people who mattered to her could be there, and worried about getting sealed later. Or never.
CA girl
Dang it Norma Rae, you made me cry!
I'm just so happy for both of you and for the groom to be and their sons. I'm sure everything will just be beautiful this time. Good luck to all.
Re: This time I don't have to stand out in the rain!
Amazing! I'm very happy for you.
Re: This time I don't have to stand out in the rain!
I'm so happy for you and your daughter! Some of us do get second chances! What an inspiring story! Your daughter is an amazing person, and you should be very proud of her, and of yourself, too!

The last temple wedding I sat in the waiting room for, the bride's and the groom's siblings and friends were all too young to go to the temple. The bride insisted that everyone wear their fancy bridesmaids dresses and tuxedos to the temple, anyway, to wait in that godawful hot waiting room, and have their fake pictures taken on the temple steps leading up to a fake temple door that doesn't open.

I ended up having to keep the unruly little kids in tow the whole time, since their holy parents just dumped them off. That "holding pen for unworthies" was a nightmare in the hundred-degree heat. I ended up taking the kids on a nature tour around the temple grounds. Parents complained about their grass-stained clothes. LOL. I shoulda charged them a babysitting fee.

I'm so happy for you!
It sounds like this time things are gonna work out right.

Re: This time I don't have to stand out in the rain!
To forestpal:

You wrote>Parents complained about their grass-stained clothes.<

If Heavenly Father's Holy Grass makes stains, who are they to complain. It must be His will. They should think of it as a visual testiment to the truthfullness of the Church!

How is LDS INC going to glean any revenue from this situation?

MORmON Jesus needs his MONEY !

So glad to hear of a happy beginning
I must comment on some saying they would not come to the temple and be in the unworthy room.

Keep in mind that your choice will a) never be forgotten, and b) will be rewritten by time.

Why make you the person who opted out and end up being the one who wouldn't come "out of spite"... why not make sure your daughter always remembers that you were not the rejecting one, that you came as close as you could get on her special day

and it was the church that kept you out. YOU DID NOT BOYCOTT the wedding because you hate the church.

Big difference. There aren't many occasions where the church's anti-family policies and cruelty are so evident. I would be sure your daughter experiences it as one of the chinks in her testimony.

PLUS that she knows you loved her enough to be uncomfortable, be the child care, do anything to be part of her wonderful day. This day is full of symbolism--make sure your choices all say "I love you."


I haven't been there yet
having only 1 TBM child--but even with all her "mormon moms" (who seem to be rather scarce these days), she always comes back to me.

I don't care what I have to put up with to be there for my child on her wedding day. Like you said, anagrammy, so far my loyalty has always won out--and I will do whatever it takes to let her know I am there for her.

That is one school of thought
But as long as they stay TBM, I don't think the fact that you stand outside really means anything to them. If anything, it just adds to the tension of the day and makes it so awkward. It would have been much easier for all of us if, on my daughter's first wedding day, I would have said, "I hope you understand that I want to be happy for you on your wedding day and in order to do that, it would be better for me to meet you at the luncheon and not have to add to the worthy/unworthy tension.

But that being said, when my daughter was realizing the reality of what the LDS church/corporation really is, it meant something to her that I went through what I did and stood outside on her wedding day. And frankly, it helped me to know she was sorry about that and apologized.

So maybe you're right, if you have hopes that they will some day figure it out, it could be a good thing and hey, if they don't maybe they still need to see the reality of their mother not being there and feel that little pang and have some excrutiating cognitive dissonance on their wedding day.

"Recovery from Mormonism -"