Do I sit down with my husband and talk to him about it before I stop wearing Mormon garments
rainwriter Aug 012
I really don't like elephants in the room; they're uncomfortable for everybody, trying to skirt around them and not upset them, not knowing how to bring them up in conversation... But, I also don't know that I see myself sitting down with my husband and saying "I'm not going to wear garments anymore." How does/did this conversation happen with others?
I don't know how tbm my hubby actually is, since usually the best I can get out of him is that specific things that I ask him about (tithing, going to church, going to the temple) "is a good thing to do." When talking about whether he wanted to start making a habit of going to the temple (we went together once after we were married and then nothing after, so almost 7 years), he said that he'd like to, but hasn't made any effort to do so.
suzanne
Re: Do I sit down with my husband and talk to him about it before I stop wearing garments, or do I just stop and not say anything?
I just stopped. I left the church about 6 months before my husband. He was very lackadaisical about church to begin with and I hoped he would leave with me.
One day I stopped wearing them (gawd it was comfortable), and he commented a couple days later about it simply by saying that he had noticed. I asked him what he thought and he just said it was much sexier. That was it.
I don't know your man, but if he is anything like mine, he will be happy to see them go.
thingsithink
Re: Do I sit down with my husban and talk to him about it before I stop wearing garments, or do I just stop and not say anything?
That's a mind blower. As a NoMo, your post brought home what garments mean to mormons. That's insane. Whoa!
Either way, good luck and enjoy getting out of those chains! :)
bona dea
Re: Do I sit down with my husban and talk to him about it before I stop wearing garments, or do I just stop and not say anything?
If he is TBM and likely to care, I'd talk to him first. However, it is your decision, not his.
rhgc
Re: Do I sit down with my husband and talk to him about it before I stop wearing garments, or do I just stop and not say anything?
First, just happen to get some nice panties and run out of clean garments. Good chance he will be pleased. You can also begin wearing real underwear during the day and discussing how much more comfortable you are, etc. You can also help him break his garmy habit.
bc
Re: Do I sit down with my husband and talk to him about it before I stop wearing garments, or do I just stop and not say anything?
So have you had a discussion with him that you don't believe and are on your way out?
If you have not had that discussion I think you should before you stop wearing garments.
rainwriter
Re: Do I sit down with my husband and talk to him about it before I stop wearing garments, or do I just stop and not say anything?
See, I'm not sure if he's likely to care or not. I do know that he's very non-confrontational, so I don't know if it's better to just not say anything about it, or talk to him about it from the start, do you know what I mean?
pamjordanarnold
Re: Do I sit down with my husband and talk to him about it before I stop wearing garments, or do I just stop and not say anything?
One day I went shopping and bought so many cute night time wear, bras and panties. He had just one look at the leopard print and was all over me. I am not thin or anything either. He had just never seen me like that and we have discovered he is very visual sexually. Taking off the garments was the best thing that ever happened to us.
Mia
Re: Do I sit down with my husband and talk to him about it before I stop wearing garments, or do I just stop and not say anything?
Summer is the perfect time. It's too hot to wear long johns.
Another elephant in the room. Seems like one shows up on this board everyday. What are you going to name yours? Victoria?
rainwriter
Re: Do I sit down with my husban and talk to him about it before I stop wearing garments, or do I just stop and not say anything?
Yes. For those who believe, they're a symbol of that belief and those promises made in the temple. For those who don't anymore, they're almost a sign of oppression.
boydslittlefactory
Surprise him and trade them for something more cutsey.
If he complains, you may have more problems than you realize. Personally, I hated seeing my wife in them, even as a TBM.
bona dea
Re: Do I sit down with my husban and talk to him about it before I stop wearing garments, or do I just stop and not say anything?
+1. If he is a believer or if you are not sure, don't announce your non belief that way. Talk to him.
twojedis
Re: Do I sit down with my husband and talk to him about it before I stop wearing garments, or do I just stop and not say anything?
Our case is different, so I might not be much help. My DH told me he didn't believe in the church any more about a month ago. I asked him if he was going to keep wearing his G's. He wanted to at first because he was used to them. A couple of weeks later, I realized that he was not going to come back to the church, so I suggested he stop wearing them and adjust to life without them. THEN a week or so after that, I realized the truth and decided to stop wearing mine. We pitched them in a dumpster and that was that.
If he knows how you feel about the church, you should tell him. Open communication is what saved our marriage and saved me from the rest of my life spent in bondage.
twojedis
Re: Do I sit down with my husban and talk to him about it before I stop wearing garments, or do I just stop and not say anything?
Summer has been the best time! Wearing shorts and loving it.
Brethren,adieu
Re: Surprise him and trade them for something more cutsey.
+1. If your DH is a normal, red-blooded male, he won't miss seeing you in your magical underwear. Esp if you replace them w/ something a little more sexy.
anagrammy
Re: Do I sit down with my husband and talk to him about it before I stop wearing garments, or do I just stop and not say anything?
You are speaking from the Mormon paradigm to ask that question. As a woman in a sexual relationship, you already know the answer.
Men are lying about masturbating to the church every day, so you know that their sex drive is more dependable than their Mormon drive.
You go by something at Victoria's Secret something sexy that you think looks good on you. A Teddy or short nightie with cutouts, etc. Something that when you put it on, you want to purr. Then when you get home, after dinner, put it on and say I have a surprise for you...
Then, the next time (maybe a few days later, up to you) you put on some sexy panties and bra and say, "Oh my heck, I feel SO SEXY in these! And you rub your breasts and tummy."
The answer to any question about what happened to the garments is "I feel so much younger and, well, sexier in regular underwear, I think it's better for our marriage."
No discussion of Book of Mormon, Book of Abraham, tapirs, Mark Hofmann...et al...required. Done deal.
The underwear you wear is nobody's business but yours. It's unrighteous dominion for a church that owns a mall to be trying to tell you what to put between your skin and your bra.
By the way, isn't there a Victoria's Secret in the mall? Oh- excuse me, that's Victoria's Sacred.
Anagrammy
nickname
Re: Surprise him and trade them for something more cutsey.
Brethren,adieu Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> +1. If your DH is a normal, red-blooded male, he
> won't miss seeing you in your magical underwear.
> Esp if you replace them w/ something a little more
> sexy.
Wait, are you implying that its possible to replace them with something LESS sexy??
Makurosu
I was glad when my ex quit wearing garments.
I had hated them from day one. It was funny, because she walked up to me one Saturday morning when I was in bed just waking up, and she said "Okay, I'm not wearing these ANYMORE! And if you have a problem with it, you can JUST GET A DIVORCE!!" Then she threw them on the floor. It was like a passive-aggressive explosion of underwear hate. :) It was funny, but I was a little miffed that she was taking it out on me though. I wish she had just told me a long time before. We didn't divorce over that, btw.
I didn't care how much or how little she lived Mormonism, but I didn't want it behind my back. She was also drinking wine with her friends at lunch, and she never told me about that until years after we left the Church, and I wasn't happy about that.
I think you should tell him what you're going to do, that it's your decision, and that's the end of the matter. At least he'll know where you stand.
forbiddencokedrinker
Re: Do I sit down with my husband and talk to him about it before I stop wearing garments, or do I just stop and not say anything?
Buy something really sexy from Victoria's Secret. Put it on. Put bathrobe over it. Tell husband you are not wearing garments any more. Tell him you have studied the church history, and you no longer believe. Tell him you still love him, and out of respect to him, will not stop him from going to church himself. Then drop the robe, before he has a chance to say anything in turn, and tell him that is what you are going to be wearing from now on.
It might not work, but it will probably not be until the next morning that he can formulate a response.
rainwriter
Re: Do I sit down with my husband and talk to him about it before I stop wearing garments, or do I just stop and not say anything?
I don't know if it really changes the dynamic or not, but my husband baptized me. That makes the whole thing feel a bit more complex.
twojedis
Re: Do I sit down with my husband and talk to him about it before I stop wearing garments, or do I just stop and not say anything?
My hubby and I were HS sweethearts. He got baptized (I found out recently that my Mom told him if he didn't then he couldn't date me), went on a mission, and we got married 6 weeks after he got back. He's the one that left first, had been decided for a couple of years, but had only decided to tell me about a month before he did. Now, over a month later we are both leaving. So much for plans well laid, you never know what's ahead. If I've learned one thing this past month, is never say never! I would have guaranteed you that I would never doubt and never leave. But there you have it!
sc_brandon
Re: Do I sit down with my husband and talk to him about it before I stop wearing garments, or do I just stop and not say anything?
While going the sexy underwear route is highly encouraged, you really should talk to him. It's a sad thing that most of us leaving the church have such a lack of true intimacy with our partners (since our relationships are often so church focused)that we are afraid to share our real feelings with them.
It wasn't easy to tell my wife I had stopped believing, but I'm glad I did. Because her reply was that she loved me more than she loved the church. If you are in a good relationship your husband will love you more than he loves the church.
guynoirprivateeye
Re: Do I sit down with my husband and talk to him about it before I stop wearing garments, or do I just stop and not say anything?
+100
How ChurchCo moves in & Hijacks relationships oughta be ILLEGAL.
Stupid Cult.
if anyone tries to Guilt-Trip you, Quote This:
"The family is the most important unit in time and in eternity and as such, transcends every other interest in life." (Howard W. Hunter, Ensign - November 1994)
Cheryl
Mention it first, perhaps a couple of times.
Tell him you're off to buy new underwear and ask if he has preferences for styles and colors.
emma
Re: Do I sit down with my husband and talk to him about it before I stop wearing garments, or do I just stop and not say anything?
I just stopped wearing them too. My dh is thrilled at the sexy things i wear and i bet your dh will too. Our sex life has gotten so much better without garments. He will even ditch his occasionally to turn me on.
my2cents
Re: Do I sit down with my husband and talk to him about it before I stop wearing garments, or do I just stop and not say anything?
You can ease into this in a way that is non-confrontational, without having the whole "elephant in the room" discussion, IMHO.
Don't wear them to bed at night anymore, Just start sleeping in a sexy nightie, or even better, nothing at all. If he asks, tell him that g's they are uncomfortable in the extreme and you cannot sleep in them. Believe me, even most TBM men would give their left you-know-what to have their wife sleep in the nude with them. And, you could add that you find it really creepy that the guy down the street (Bishop) asks if you wear the g's day and night. What business is it of his what goes on with a married couple behind closed doors? There is something very powerful and energizing (and not in a sexual way) that skin to skin contact gives a couple snuggling in bed together.
It won't take long for you to just stop wearing them in the daytime too. You can take back control of your wardrobe - the church has no business telling you what to wear, especially for underclothes.
fossilman
Re: Mention it first, perhaps a couple of times.
+27
I like this one. You're making a firm statement, but letting him be involved as well.
Shay
Re: Do I sit down with my husband and talk to him about it before I stop wearing garments, or do I just stop and not say anything?
My husband and I decided to leave together. AND OH MY GOSH, he is SO horny seeing me in underwear instead of Garments! Of course at first I was a little offended, 'cause I thought men looked at their wife in g's and thought, "Oh there's my eternal companion, how I love her." He laughed at me when I told him I thought that. He said, "NO, even when we were active, G's were just NEVER sexy." But, if your husband is not leaving with you, I imagine it might be very hard for him. If you have an honest and open marriage, I think it's best to tell him first, so he doesn't feel like you are going behind his back to do it. Good luck! And have fun with the more colorful underwear drawer!!
"Recovery from Mormonism - www.exmormon.org"