"OK, we know you don't believe, but PLEASE don't share your beliefs with your children" new

by Tauna Apr 2012

It's been a couple years since I came out as an unbeliever. 'Don't tell your kids' was almost the first thing I was told when I discussed my disbelief to family, church members, church leaders, etc. This was a huge red flag as I've always been told to be honest with my children.

I thought about the following situation at the time; I have a friend who was adopted as a child and lied to about it.... she found out in college that her parents were not her birth parents...she was devastated and angry. Contrast that with adopted kids who are told the truth from the time they're little and it's not a 'dirty little secret' it's simply something that makes them unique (and special).

I quickly realized that my parents, inlaws, and other church members were viewing my unbelief as my 'dirty little secret' that I should hide from my children. At the time I was pretty unsure of myself as a new apostate. But I looked ahead and tried to imagine how angry my kids would be if they served missions, payed lots of tithing, made decisions they would not otherwise make because of me hiding my 'dirty little secret'. And how would they feel knowing I had lied to them ALL Those years (even if they liked being in the church)?

I'm wondering if this is a common thing for others on this board to be instructed to not tell their kids what they've found out.

canadianfriend
Re: "OK, we know you don't believe, but PLEASE don't share your beliefs with your children"
What kind of church would counsel you to lie to your children?
Tell the Mormons where to go.
jon1
Just lets you know how shaky their own faith is. CULT. 

Brother Of Jerry
They know their whole scam depends on NOBODY pointing out that the Emperor appears to have no clothes.
I think this attitude/threat is very common within Mormondom. I was certainly hammered with it. Bishops will also threaten people not to explain their doubts (actually new found knowledge) to other ward members or else.

And yes, I think a lot of kids of members who opted to pretend to be TBM will feel betrayed at some point. The ones that stay TBM will feel guilty that mom and dad are not living up to their so-called covenants. Looks to me like playing along and hiding your "dirty little secret" is a lose-lose proposition.

JoD3:360
Re: "OK, we know you don't believe, but PLEASE don't share your beliefs with your children"
When I was learning and reading everything I could get my hands on, I had not yet told my wife or kids. I was terrified to tell them, and I could not until I knew for a certainty that the church was indeed false- otherwise I could wrongly destroy their faith.
During that time I had also been meeting with the Bishop who was also a friend and he had been very supportive, and seemed to be trying to help me through this ordeal.

But before long I was a nervous wreck on the verge of collapse. I had shared some of my findings with my co-worker and we talked about BloodAtonement alot and other topics. One day when I had lamented that I didn't know how I could keep this from my family any longer and whether I should, he looked me straight in the eye and told me - go to the lockerroom right now, and take a good look at yourself, tears and all, and ask if that is what you want your kids to go through later in life.

I did tell them and it was easier for them to accept than I thought it would be.

As for the Bishop, that's when the gloves came off and he went into attack mode. My greatest sin he said was not that my test monkey had escaped, but that I had sacrificed my entire family.

forbiddencokedrinker
Re: "OK, we know you don't believe, but PLEASE don't share your beliefs with your children"
This is when you look them in the eye, and say, "I have just discovered that Joseph Smith, and the church he created, is part of one of the largest scams in human history, and you want me to let my children continue being victims of this scam?"

When they bare their testimony, respond, "I know you feel that way, but that doesn't change the fact that the church is not true."

helemon
Re: "OK, we know you don't believe, but PLEASE don't share your beliefs with your children"
Contrast that with their attitude toward telling people about the church. Them you ate supposed to tell everyone about your beliefs! It would be a sin not to tell all of your family even if it led to shunning and disinheritance.
beatnik
Re: "OK, we know you don't believe, but PLEASE don't share your beliefs with your children"
My kids were all grown when I came out, and I did tell them. My oldest daughter left the church shortly after I did, and I have certainly been blamed for her leaving. One of my SIL's also threatened me if I were to try to share any of what I had learned with her children! (it was not a direct threat, but obvious nonetheless)

onendagus
Re: "OK, we know you don't believe, but PLEASE don't share your beliefs with your children"
Yes, as soon as you see through the ruse, you become the evil "fighting against the church' heretic. Maybe they should turn the mirror around and see that it is a situation where they change too, they go into defense\shun\attack mode in a wild attempt to protect their belief while pinning the 'apostate that can't leave the church alone" badge on us. How dare we think differently or change our mind about something when more evidence is presented.

cl2
We went inactive
when our kids were around 8 years old. We did have them baptized because we didn't want to answer a bunch of questions about why we weren't. Our gay/straight marriage was going to be ending and I went inactive and my husband only went to his meetings as ex. sec.

One day the whole primary presidency came by and told our children that we were bad parents because we weren't taking them to primary and offered to come by and pick them up, etc. We just stood there in stunned silence. It didn't make our kids want to go--quite the opposite. In fact, my son said that was the turning point for him. He never really liked church, but this took the cake.

They basically want us to believe that our children aren't OUR'S.

canadianfriend
Re: "OK, we know you don't believe, but PLEASE don't share your beliefs with your children"
Your co-worker is very wise.

Posted by: baura
Re: "OK, we know you don't believe, but PLEASE don't share your beliefs with your children"

So in other words, the Church is more important than your relationship with your children.
So it's not really a family-oriented church, but just wants church-oriented families.

Rich
The church is losing the kids in droves. Not because parents are telling them, but because they are finding the truth all over the internet and kids are smarter than we give them credit for. I think most kids would be relieved if their parents shared the truth with them.

Re: "OK, we know you don't believe, but PLEASE don't share your beliefs with your children"

deconverted2010
It is very mormon thing to hide doubts or the truths and to encourage others to do the same. To ask you to hide the truth from your children is just not right. It may not be wise to dump all the information you have but I think they need to know that the church is not what it claims to be and that their mom's integrity keeps her from participating. Lying, even by omission, to kids about the church only perpetuates the attitude of lying for the lds church.
Jesus Smith
Re: "OK, we know you don't believe, but PLEASE don't share your beliefs with your children"

Right after my divorce, I announced to family that I stopped believing. They too pushed hard for a couple years to keep me from teaching my kids, to let them continue in what they were raised as, with their TBM mother (ex wife) as the one to raise them LDS, while I sat on the side lines. I told my family that I viewed my beliefs as valid as theirs and felt that I had every right as a parent to teach my children what I believed.

Even the single other family member who had been inactive and was also learning about the lies encouraged me to leave the kids be. He felt that the conflict between my ex and me over the church was not worth telling my kids about the truth.

I've not listened at all, and of five children, three have positively left and are very very happy that I got them out. The two older ones (17 & 19) say that if I had let them blindly stay in, they would have resented it and felt I had cheated them.

The 10 year old, who refused baptism, is very happy that he doesn't have to grow up mormon, even tho his mom forces him to church each week. He is asked at times if he wants to get baptized and the answer is, 'No' with a big smile.

Remaining are two of my children, a 12 year old daughter and an 8 year old son. The youngest reluctantly agreed to get baptized so that his mom & relatives would get off his back, but I get the feeling he would rather just skip the whole church thing. My daughter questioned for a time, but is back to swigging the kool aid each week. I hope when she gets to her rebellious teen years, she learns to think for herself.

My family is not happy that my children are getting out. Early, my mother and a sister disparaged me to my children by making comments like: "don't follow the bad example of your father." Or "Your father made his choice, but the rest of the family wants to welcome you in our group."

I told them that if they disparage me like that, I will not visit them with my children. Perhaps I am not being accepting enough, but I won't stand for their attempts to turn the children against me.

"Recovery from Mormonism - www.exmormon.org"