More Mormon ward crazies stories pt2
eternal1 Aug 2012
Not a ward story, but, when my father in law came to visit with his new wife, (that doesn't know how to shut-up), we were talking about the temple and she went on to tell us how she loved to go there because she was best friends with Emma Smith (in the pre-existence) and Emma would come to her in the temple
and they would talk (actual conversations). After that, I had to leave the house before I told her she was crazy, and this was while I was a TBM. Later, when they were searching for Elizabeth Smart, she told us she "knew" she was ok because she would have "felt" it if she had been killed and since she had just been to the temple, Emma would have let her know. That woman is crazy, now we just avoid her at all costs.
CTRringturnsmyfingergreen
Re: More ward crazies stories... the other thread closed and these are so fun to read!
It's been a long time since I've been to church (25 years), but does Emma hold an exalted status, similar to the virgin Mary in the Catholic church?
twojedis
Re: More ward crazies stories... the other thread closed and these are so fun to read!
Our SP sweet mother is losing her faculties. She bore her testimony about the time before we had a building and they had to meet in the Moose hall with a big moose head at the top of the stairs. She repeated that part of the story about 6 times during her testimony. She is the most awesome lady you could ever meet. It was actually sad, no one minded because she is dear to us all.
eternal1
Re: More ward crazies stories... the other thread closed and these are so fun to read!
In my wife's old ward, they have a lady that isn't quite all there. One time she got up to bear her testimonkey (love that word) and told all about her breast reduction surgery, in graphic detail. She has no concept of boundries.
Tristan-Powerslave
I have to complain about my Nazi TBM seminary teacher some more
This guy was a piece of work. He was a blatant liar, & he was emotionally abusive. I can't get into details because it would give away who he is, & also possibly who I am. I was in his class for all four years, & all that experience did was turn me off to organized religion completely. If I hadn't of been subjected to this man's class for four years, I would probably be involved in one of the local UU congregations.
The most horrible thing he ever said was that people leave th cult because they are sinning. He said that if people aren't sinning, then they have no legitimate reason to leave, & in fact wouldn't even think of leaving. I knew this was wrong, but I couldn't stand up to him.
Then there was the most horrible thing he ever did. One Friday, he came to class with this very gorgeous angel food cake with a raspberry glaze. I honestly thought that we were going to eat it So he started his lesson, & held the cake tower by the base in one hand. In his lesson, he used the cake as an analogy for 'the gospel'. Then what he did made me so uncomfortable, I wanted to get up, & leave right then, & never come back. He proceeded to violently tear the cake apart with his right hand, & shove the cake in our faces, abusively saying, 'Don't you want some?' Then he said that what he did wit the cake was exactly how we present 'the gospel' to our nevermo family & friends, & that's why they won't join, so it's all our faults. I was too afraid to tell my TBM mom what happened because I was worried that she wouldn't believe me.
I always left class feeling like garbage after every single one of his lessons.
roxy
Re: I have to complain about my Nazi TBM seminary teacher some more
wow that is messed up! It's so hard for kids/teens to speak up when something isn't "right". Total abuse of power.
roxy
Re: More ward crazies stories... the other thread closed and these are so fun to read!
I'm not sure how well this will translate - in person it was hilarious though. First lets set the scene:
The ward conductor who has had the job for decades must be in her late 70's however she is very prim and proper and a bit of snob, looks like she goes around sucking lemons.... the organist is in her 80s with wild grey hair Einstein style, and looks a little like Yoda, and is getting a little senile and hard of hearing.
So they often don't quite match in timing, but this one week it was so bad - the intro was played a few times incorrectly and the corrister was sending visual daggers to to the pianist, then we all start singing but the corrister is going much faster than the organist, all the while rolling her eyes and tut-tutting, finally the rage boilers over for the corrister and she shreaks at the pianist "MARY! for goodness sake keep up!" Even the bishopric were turning purple trying not to laugh out loud!
Stray Mutt
To rework an old joke...
...If you don't know who the ward crazy is, then it's probably you.
Moroni Marten
Re: More ward crazies stories... the other thread closed and these are so fun to read!
I don't know if they still do this, but in the "old days", a memeber of the bishopric had to present the officers of the ward for a sustaining vote every year during "ward conference". He was supposed to say - "it is proposed that we sustain (names) as (position) and all other (similar callings) as now constituted. But instead he said,
"It is proposed that we sustain (name) as primary president and all other teachers as now CONSTIPATED." I kid you not.
He did this several times before the bishop came up and whispered in his ear. It was hilarious.
Mia
Re: More ward crazies stories... the other thread closed and these are so fun to read!
Gotta love the music nazis.
One ward I was in there was a lady who was determined to turn the ward into the Motab choir.
One evening she was trying to force the YW into singing something. She was having a melt down because everyone was goofing off and not taking her seriously.
My daughter (YW at the time) and her YW leader snuck out and went and hid in the mothers room until the singing time was over. I always loved that lady for supporting and protecting my non musical daughter from the music nazi.
dogzilla
Re: More ward crazies stories... the other thread closed and these are so fun to read!
I spent six years in chorus at school. Back in the day, I could carry a tune, man! I sang with the church chorus once, for about 15 minutes. The chorister had no clue what he was doing. We all sounded terrible and were completely off-key. I was so embarrassed at how bad it was, I refused to go back.
I think part of the reason they were so bad is because everyone was so busy with multiple callings, that there was no one good time to schedule practices. So they'd maybe practice once a month or maybe 2-3 times right before some Christmas program or something. They were still terrible. Not enough practice and not enough truly musically trained people who actually knew what they were doing, involved.
sam
Re: More ward crazies stories... the other thread closed and these are so fun to read!
Every month, the same lady would get up, crying and having a hard time talking. She would give some story about how she was hanging by a thread (spiritually) or that she had lost her keys or that her car wouldn't start or that her dog was dying, etc., and then she would pray, and her prayers were answered. She would then say that this strengthened her testimony to know that the church is true and she would start crying even more. Interestingly enough, she never would mention that "God" answered her prayers. She would cry and cry through the entire time. Next month, replay.
sam
Re: More ward crazies stories... the other thread closed and these are so fun to read!
A lady gets up and says she had a blessing that told her that her family (husband and 6 children) were to move to Utah. Her husband quits his job, they move to Utah. He cannot get employment in Utah after six months and they move back home (where they have lived all of their lives). She comes back and says it was the greatest 6 months of her life.
breatheagain
Re: More ward crazies stories... the other thread closed and these are so fun to read!
ROFLMAO!!! I love it,
breatheagain
Re: More ward crazies stories... the other thread closed and these are so fun to read!
As a kid growing up I got to listen to my parents berate anyone who so much as shed a tear during F&T meeting.
I know there were drama queens but at least they weren't judgmental bastards.
southern should login
Re: More ward crazies stories... the other thread closed and these are so fun to read!
Ohh man, my tbm mil seriously believes that God actually speaks to her. She even tells this to people. God has given her some pretty bad advice then, telling her to sell a house in a bad market and lose her ass on it, buy a house in an inflated market and later lose her ass on it, and all kinds of other stuff. But this is all God's advice so it must be ok!!
She's not exactly ward crazy material but no one associates with her voluntarily because she's so insufferable...
SisterTwister
Re: More ward crazies stories... the other thread closed and these are so fun to read!
Okay here's mine:
In my ward in Utah Valley, we had a older man who would stand up every fast and testimony meeting and tell everyone how terrible TV was. He complained about how addictive watching porn was and people who watched it were going to heck in a hand basket. He ranted for over a year on this topic and became enraged turning beet red and hot under the collar.
The problem was, nobody had cable TV because nobody could afford it at the time --so, we would sit there and look at each other and new he was the only guy watching adult porn because he could afford it. The men in our ward really looked forward to hearing him speak every month -- lol.
*Yes, Happy Valley has porn.
koriwhoremonger
Emma was Persona Non Grata when I was a kid.
This was back in the '70s and she was considered an apostate because she didn't follow Brigham to Utah. I don't know when she was rehabilitated but these days she is treated like a Catholic Saint. There are lot's of little girls running around with the name Emma these days. Take a peak at the artwork in Deseret Book and you'll see some stomach turning renditions of Joseph and Emma as young lovers.
geekchick
Re: More ward crazies stories... the other thread closed and these are so fun to read!
The weekend after my 2nd husband joined the church, Sacrament meeting was on the Single's program.
One sister got up to speak and went on for 20 minutes about ice skating; watching it on TV, how she couldn't go to work if it interfered with her watching ice skating, etc. There was a video she wanted to show, but the bishop wouldn't let her show the video on ice skating, so she talked about it instead.
We all kept waiting for her to tie it back to church in some fashion, but it never happened.
After the meeting, the missionaries who baptized my husband apologized for the content.
I think this sister was the key to our leaving. Her family was eventually assigned to my husband's home teaching list. She would leave extensive messages on our answering machine about how it was his job to find her a husband.
There's only so much crazy you can take.
WinksWinks
Re: More ward crazies stories... the other thread closed and these are so fun to read!
That's about the only thing I miss of church, singing.
Mia
Re: More ward crazies stories... the other thread closed and these are so fun to read!
There was an older single lady in my sisters ward that had a crush on my sisters husband. She was at least 20 years older than him.
She would get up and go on and on about what a wonderful man he was, and what a great father he was to his children. She never once mentioned my sister, or the fact that he was married to my sister.
She would bring homemade goodies to him almost every weekend. Those went straight to the garbage.
One Sunday my nephew (age 21) told the lady that he was very uncomfortable with her stalking his father. He told her that my sister threw out everything she had brought over. That was the end of that little one way love fest.
breatheagain
Re: More ward crazies stories... the other thread closed and these are so fun to read!
she was probably hoping to be wife #2
escapee
Re: More ward crazies stories... the other thread closed and these are so fun to read!
We had a sanctimonious a$$ in a wheelchair who gave his testiphony that it was a sin to be fat because fat was a result of gluttony. He was no lightweight, for sure.
In the same branch, we had a lady who was off in the head. I don't know what was up with her, we all knew she was a bit special--don't know if it was mental or developmental--but she actually got up and announced she was going inactive for awhile. I don't recall her reasons, she would ramble on during F&T. I could tell the branch presidency would get uncomfortable as she went on.
Same branch, a young man who had some kind of developmental issue. He could be a real basket case--arguing with anyone who disagreed with him on anything, but especially gospel subjects. One Sunday, he asked me to marry him. I'd heard him going around asking women to marry him. I said no.
He later went on a mission-I think the BP didn't think he should go, but he ended up going. He was sent home after some time with a medical release. Then he left the morg and joined some other church, and died within a year or two. I don't know what killed him, but I suspect something neurological or cardiac.
Susan
bvd
Re: More ward crazies stories... the other thread closed and these are so fun to read!
I had a crazy seminary teacher in utah valley. This story might pinpoint where I'm from, so here goes. This teacher was an ex-army mormon chaplin and all of his lessons, no matter how they started, always worked into masturbation and it's evils, how you would arrive to the point of masturbation and techniques to avoid masturbating. Students would always transfer out of his class because it was so uncomfortable every day. The funny thing is, one of the other teachers you could transfer too couldn't keep his hand away from his crotch. We don't know if he had jock itch or what but at least once every minute he was re-adjusting and/or scratching his little buddy right in front of the class. We had a bet going on how often he'd touch it and it always numbered in the 100's every day.
dogzilla
Re: More ward crazies stories... the other thread closed and these are so fun to read!
I had a friend like that in high school -- couldn't keep his hands off his junk. I hadn't noticed until one day, he was wearing white jeans (it was the 80s). I noticed there was this greasy dark smudge around the zipper -- where he'd been scratching and "adjusting" all day with apparently dirty-ish hands. After that, I paid attention and realized he put his hand on himself approximately every 10-20 seconds. I haven't seen him since high school, but I'd bet you a beer he still does it.
Tristan-Powerslave
Very true
I didn't even know who she was until about 1984.
sam
Re: Very true
Other personal favorites:
One guy would get up each and every month and then chastise everyone for not following some doctrine--usually stupid things like not taking the Sacrament with your right hand or not supporting the Bishop in something. I just cringed every month when I saw him walk up to the front.
The lady that gave a detailed report of each of her hundred kids, their kids, and their travels. It always went long.
In both of these cases, you never heard a testimony
idleswell
Re: More ward crazies stories... the other thread closed and these are so fun to read!
One Sunday the ward choir director is absent. So the bishop takes over... except he is conducting every song at ~1/2 tempo. Finally, during the intermediately hymn, a sister shouts that she "can't take it any more," rushes to the front, hip checks the bishop aside and takes over.
sam
Re: More ward crazies stories... the other thread closed and these are so fun to read!
There was a guy in the ward who was a little wacky. He used to make up stories during testimony meeting. He would thank someone for going to the temple with him (even though they didn't) or thank a girl for going on a date with him (even though she didn't). It was always entertaining
rainwriter
Re: More ward crazies stories... the other thread closed and these are so fun to read!
Though I'd argue that that isn't a crazy one but an awesome one. :)
icedlatte
Re: More ward crazies stories... the other thread closed and these are so fun to read!
It really bugs me when the bishop just doesn't have the balls to stop someone during their "testimony" and tell them to sit down. Come on, if some guy is up there spewing racist remarks about Mexicans (true story), get off your ass and do something about it Bishop, thats your job!
popolvuh
Re: More ward crazies stories... the other thread closed and these are so fun to read!
On my mish in Oz we had an ongoing contest to see which ward had the craziest people. Truly astounding stories. Some of my personal faves, as they were my stories from one particular ward:
The enormous Samoan couple who would sing their testimony together in samoan for 10-15 minutes. Sadly, they may be the only nonmusical polynesians in the world. Excruciating!
The guy who always had a new amazing story about his use of the priesthood. Once, he raised has arm to the square and commanded the evil ants to leave his picnic. Another time, he annointed his phone and did a laying on of hands on same phone for a sick relative. He always acted these stories out too. I know I sustained internal injuries trying not to explode with laughter.
Actually each meeting at this ward was kinda crazy. Over 10 languages being translated, so nobody really knew what was going on at any given time during the meetings. Just as well, as any investigator foolish enough to actually come would have run away screaming if they actually understood anything (they usually never came back anyway). Ah, these are my best mish memories actually:)
"Recovery from Mormonism - www.exmormon.org"