Recovery from Mormonism

almafudd

I've been lurking on this website off and on for months, trying get up enough courage to start distancing myself from the Church. I've been living with cognitive dissonance for a long time and have only a few people who I can talk to about it. I wouldn't want to shock and outrage my TBM husband or the members of my ward. I started having my doubts about JS and the foundation of the Church when I was a teenager. I tried to put those thoughts in the back of my brain and concentrate on the good things about the Church does, like focus on the family. But quite frankly, my 3 adult children want nothing to do with the Church because their father made it clear that church responsibilities were #1. His religious fervor makes our home feel like a joyless and oppressive place. Fortunately, he felt compelled to attend all his meetings and go the extra 100 miles with his home teaching (financing missions, painting houses, landscaping yards, waterproofing basements, etc.) so he wasn't around that much and missed most the children's activities when they were young. He has gone the full cycle from zealous fanatic to inactive and back to zealot again. I guess I should have timed my exit better, perhaps when his feelings were hurt that a less worthy man than himself was called to be the bishop's counselor. Whoops...Looks like some of my bitterness is showing! I have many issues with the Church but it mostly boils down to the fact it is really a corporate organization and people don't matter, only to feed the business. I'm no corporate drone. I need my freedom!!Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/25/2011 09:42PM by almafudd.

dagny
Welcome and remember..
You can take baby steps instead of a leap.When you recognize you want to be free the church no longer has power. You call the shots on your own terms now.Good luck. It's an amazing quest to leave and reinvent yourself.

BeenThereDunnThatExMo
Re: Making the Big Leap
Hi Alma,A recent poster had a good point and i'm gonna liberally paraphrase his/her comment as something to the effect of..."even if Moronism was completely true, the toll paid in terms of time away from family, money that could have been used better elsewhere and the divisiveness caused within the family unit as children become their own people as they mature...it still wouldn't be worth what LDS Inc extracts generationally from people's lives."So glad to hear that it might sound like your adult children will no doubt spend more time with their spouses and families as a direct repercussion against your husband's absence to his family by faithfully carrying out his so-called "church responsibilites."On behalf of the male gender i apologize for the way guys can be sometimes when they let other so-called "leaders" do their thinking for them.I've seen Moronism actually shred and destroy more families within my family tree than i've seen it benefit.And you're right on when you say that we are not all cut out to be "corporate drones" or automotons...heaven forbid we should be independent thinkers and individuals...how dare us!!!Or so it seems to me...

almafudd
Re: Welcome and remember..
Thanks for the support and wise advice. Yes, baby steps...I'm not Superwoman - able to leap the Church Office Building in a single bound......YET!

Quoth the Raven "Nevermo"
Re: Making the Big Leap
alma-glad you found this place and you can do your thinking out loud, as it where. Ah, the crutch disrupts another family, which we know it values so highly because it said so. At least your children are free of the church, that makes it easier if you leave. There are moms on this board who have very strained relationships with their TBM kids, so you have dodged that bullet.Does you husband have it in him to leave the church for good? It sounds like he has an addictive personality and goes back to it when it suits him but that he has not arrived at the solution that it is all a lie of the con man Joe Smith.

almafudd
Re: Making the Big Leap
Thanks so much! I think I'm going to like it here!Your apology is accepted. Funny how sometimes we haven't had home teachers visit in years and find out the brothers assigned to us were in the bishopric or high council. Even funnier when I had access to the VT/HT database and found out that we were reported as practically 100% visits. It's all in the numbers!! My non-member friends find the concept of home teaching & visiting teaching repugnant. They all say they wouldn't like someone who's not really a friend coming to their house regularly to check on them, and give a spiritual message, and report back to "headquarters" regarding their well-being. It's another one of those things that most people don't like to do, many people could do without the visits (too much talking & too little listening), but then it makes you feel crappy when no one cares to visit. I digress....I'm happy to say that my adult children feel good about themselves and they are good people. My daughter and her family joined the Presbyterian church. Her minister said her LDS baptism "transferred." Isn't that ironic!Thanks for your comments. I'm glad you made it out alive. I may needs some tips from your Great Escape.

exmollymo
Re: Making the Big Leap
Good luck on your journey out! I've been a lurker for a year and a poster since March (I think). The other posters here have been supportive and by reading other people's experiences I know I am not alone.This board has greatly helped in my "recovery" - I wish the best for you on your journey out. Good luck!

honestone
Re: Making the Big Leap
Sounds like you know what you need to do to be true to yourself. YOU played the game for him and now you need to do something for yourself. Do your kids know how you feel? AT least you would have their support. How did they become nonbelievers? Any help from you or just knowing you were a doubter helped them. You must be very happy for them. Sad your husband missed out on so much since he put "church" above his family. And yes, it is a corporation and that is all. Best wishes. YOU have much more in live to experience so free yourself.

imaworkinonit
Does your husband read?
Maybe you could start reading some books on experiencing or thinking about life differently.Maybe "The Art of Happiness" by the Dalai Lamaor "Flow" by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (yeah, that's a name)Or "Simple Abundance" by Sarah ban Breathnach (I'm not sure if I remember that right.Maybe if you look for more joy in your life, your husband might want to come along for the ride, or do some interesting reading. None of those books says a thing about Mormonism. But I think they directly contradict the philosophy that you need to jump through someone else's hoops to be happy. Life is to be LIVED! I think once people start to experience life, the church will seem too drab.

FreeRose
Glad you are posting here!
I know there are people here with similar circumstances (TBM spouse) who can give good advice. Just wanted to say that it is amazing to live life without the burden of the cult. You can think for yourself and not run every decision through "Mormon Think". I am sorry your DH put the cult before his family for so many years. Blame the indoctrination and the "saved by works" dogma that it spews.Good luck. I hope you and your family find peace outside the Morg.

AngelCowgirl
Re: Making the Big Leap
Hi, Almafudd (love the name!)I've been actively participating here for about a year, and a lurker for quite a while before that. I too have a TBM husband and have had to take the world's ittiest-bittiest baby steps just so our marriage remains intact. There are many days (most days, actually) when I am ready to just throw it all to the wind but those of us that still have ties to the church - such as TBM spouses - don't really have that option without bringing Armageddon down on our own heads.Anyway, welcome to the Board! You will find a great deal of understanding, support, truth, honesty, and humor here. You're not crazy.... that was one of the biggest reliefs to me when I found this site. :)

cludgie
Different ways to begin the leap
Dear Mrs. Fudd,One way to begin is to be a "non-correlated Mormon" (look it up with Google). Learn to refuse to deal with Mormon foolishness, so that if you are forced to keep attending, you will still have a buffer or barrier between you and the nuttiness. Learn ways to point a finger at the nuttiness when talking to your husband.

summer
Welcome, almafudd!
Glad to see you here. This board is active 24/7, so whenever something is on your mind, someone will likely respond.

SusieQ#1
Re: Making the Big Leap ----- I'd suggest some very small steps as part of the Big Leap... :-)
Generally, most of our friends and relatives are like most human beings: they don't adjust well, or easily to big changes.They do better, generally, with small changes.Lots of these small changes start in our mind. Not all of them need to be shared, in my opinion.I live with and love Mormons. I do what I can to keep religion a "non-issue"....and so far, it works quite well. If I don't bring it up, everything stays peaceful.Life is just too short (especially on my end ...) to make any part of my life about religion now that I left the LDS Church officially some years ago.Leaving the LDS Church is a Do It Yourself Project -- or what I call the Exit Process from Mormonism. Depending on your experiences and how it has impacted your life, you can decide what to do that will get the best results.I make it work with a believing husband. It is very personal, has to be worked out on your own time schedule.I'm sure you can do it also.

almafudd
Re: Making the Big Leap
Thanks for your comments. I don't think my husband would ever leave the church for good. Too much of his identity is tied up in it....hence his great resentment when he gets passed over the the higher church leadership callings. I wouldn't say that he has an addictive personality; I call it an excessive personality: he knows no moderation. The church says "Jump!". If a snake isn't there at my feet, I'm going to ask "Why?"....My husband, on the other hand, is going to ask "How high?" and then will break his leg trying to jump 10 times higher that what is asked for. He knocks himself out trying to serve others who use and abuse him. He keep going back for more...hoping just one more project will make them like or respect him. He has no friends at church or elsewhere, only the users that keep him doing their lawn and handyman work. I feel very bad for him.I'm afraid that it's going to be tough going for me..but I don't want to live this way anymore. At least I know that my children will be supportive.

almafudd
Re: Making the Big Leap
Thanks for your words of encouragement. I have been so touched by the kind and thoughtful responses I have gotten from my post. It is great to know that there are people who understand and have worked it out themselves. I will get there, but it is very scary at this point. Now I don't feel so alone.

almafudd
Re: Making the Big Leap
Thanks for the best wishes!I've always been a middle-of-the-road Mormon while my husband has usually been gung-ho. When my children became teenagers, they didn't want to go to church anymore. They didn't enjoy the activities or the company of their church peers. Over the years, we've talked about our doubts about the history of the church and our suffering through their dad's extreme service projects at our family's expense. To their credit, they no longer resent their father's lack of involvement in their early lives. They love him, but don't want any part of his lifestyle.They have each found their own meaning of life.

almafudd
Re: Does your husband read?
Does my husband read? Ha! Does Orson Scott Card write books? Yes, my husband reads, but only sci-fi books. Maybe he could relate to L. Ron Hubbard books. LOL!! I have the book "Simple Abundance" and have read it several times. My son gave my husband a book of Asian philosophy called "The Way of the Warrior", saying that it helped him greatly with thinking about the best way to live life to its fullest. Hubby couldn't make it through the book.Thanks for your recommendations. I'll read them myself.

almafudd
Re: Glad you are posting here!
Thanks for your well wishes! Yes...DH is really into the "saved by works" dogma. He's not getting much from it now, except frustrated and tired, but will get his eternal reward. I do believe in God and an afterlife, but I believe the current moment has much potential for happiness and enjoyment. I plan to enjoy this life!

Rod
Welcome...
I was born in covenant (BIC), RM, Temple Married, Bishopric, etc x40 years. Exmo x2 years. This forum has helped me immensly. Another site that I absolutely loved early on was Mormonthink.com.

almafudd
Re: Making the Big Leap
Thanks for your welcome. It's good to know that there's someone else in a similar situation as I am. I am a little afraid of even taking baby steps and I'm not quite sure where to begin...maybe ask to be released from one of my three church callings.... My parents are TBMs, too, but they've never been zealots. Just the other day, they brought up how the church claims membership is growing exponentially, but won't disclose how many people are actually still active church members. My parents are also getting tired of all the church lessons and the Ensign being recycled "pap" instead of thought provoking meat.

almafudd
Re: Different ways to begin the leap
Wow! Thanks for the enlightenment! I'd never heard of non-correlated or uncorrelated Mormon. I Googled it - there's lots of interesting information out there to explore.

almafudd
Re: Welcome, almafudd!
Thanks...good to know. I hope I won't be losing much sleep over my defection, but it's bound to happen. It's certainly won't be easy!

almafudd
Re: Making the Big Leap ----- I'd suggest some very small steps as part of the Big Leap... :-)
I admire you for making it work with a TBM husband. Sounds like you have a really great relationship. Although I've been venting some of my past and present hurts and disappointments with the church, I never wanted to jump onto the "let's bash the church" bandwagon. I think harboring bitterness would only brings a person down. Thanks for your encouragement. Continued success to you and your relationship!

almafudd
Re: Welcome...
Hi Rod, Thanks for the welcome. Do you mind if I ask what send you over the brink?I'll have to check out the Mormonthink.com website. This is opening a whole new world to me....and I thought I was all alone.Thanks again!

forestpal
Re: Making the Big Leap
Welcome to RFM!You seem to be doing fine! Oh, I know things can be difficult, and that you have had to be very strong, to keep your marriage going, but you seem to be a wise, independent woman, with a sense of humor! I love your name!The reason you are doing fine, is that your children are free of the cult!!! Congratulations! Your following them out of Mormonism will show your support of them.I agree with the poster that suggested that you have fun! I was the Mormon fanatic in my marriage, and my husband was the one who got me out of the church. We both went to BYU, and were both BIC, and we had our Mormon families to contend with, so it wasn't easy.When my husband said bad things (the truth) about the church, I would get upset at him, so he stopped. But--this is important--he took a stand, and refused to support an organization that he believed to be a cult. He stopped paying tithing, and attending meetings. We had little children, so we made a bargain that I would go to the Mormon church and take the kids with me--but that my husband had the freedom to not go. The bottom line is, that we did not make religion an issue in our marriage. I left the Mormon church a year later.The obnoxious, disrespectful way the mormons treated my husband when he left, was a big factor in my leaving. They labeled him as an "inactive elder" and harassed him to come back. It got so annoying, that we finally stopped answering our phone and door to them. We had friends, and were active in a couples group, but when my husband stopped going to church, they dropped us. It seems like the church is on its way to alienating your husband. Just sympathize with him when he complains. You can give him LOVE, and the Mormons never will.We had so much fun as a family on the weekends, that the kids and I hated to take that 3-4 hour chunk of time to get dressed up and go to boring, depressing church meetings. My husband started new little traditions, such as having breakfast on the beach early Sunday morning after my son's paper route. He would also have a fun barbecue ready for us when we got home from church. Sundays became about family fun, instead of about church.It's ironic, how your husband's negligence has strengthened you, and maybe his absence has brought you and your children closer, as well. I had an absentee husband, as well. You were lucky yours did the yard work. Anyway, you could live parallel lives, such as golf widows do, or couples who take separate vacations. Just have free time on Sundays, and he can go to his church, and you can go to church with your children. You can meet up afterwards for Sunday dinner, or a fun activity.You can exit very gradually. You are wise, and you know your husband well, and you know how to proceed. Don't get discouraged, and don't give in. The side effect of leaving is happiness!Good luck! (((hugs)))Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 10/26/2011 07:07PM by forestpal.