Lost my boyfriend to Mormonism
enia Oct. 2014
Hey. I don't really know if I can write about this here, I mean, if this is a right place for it. My (now ex) boyfriend started to hang out with Mormons and is now planning to convert. Since you guys probably know about this much much more and have seen different people converting, staying in church, leaving from church etc, I wondered that maybe if I give you a detailed description of the situation and of him
, you could tell me your opinion - is he doing the thing he really wants to? Will he someday discover that he doesn't want it? Because if this makes him happy and will keep him happy.. then I truly am happy about him.
So, we met about 7 months ago. He was 5 years older than me, he is (and was) 26 years old. We live in an Scandinavian country and he is from Asia, so he has been experiencing racism. Quite a lot. He had had some really really serious relationships, but not during last three years. He told me he didn't have any feelings for anybody before me during those three years. He went to gym almost everyday, worked his job, and went to bar on weekend. He had very many one night stands.
I was really surprised to hear that. I am not very confident, it seemed unbelievable that I was the one someone could start having feelings after years of being numb.
Anyway, since he is from Asia, he was a buddhist. He said he believed in karma. I didn't believe in anything. I have always been interested in Satanism, but only in theory. And, it has always been important to me that everyone can believe what they want to. Religion is a very intimate thing and the fact that I am not a believer, doesn't mean that others can't be also.
And now, in Juny-July he started going to LSD church. He said that he was only curious and that he didn't know anything about it. I didn't care, of course he could go and learn about it.
Then we started having problems. He started having problems with my drinking (which isn't a problem in my opinion, I drink alcohol about once or twice a month and usually I am just a little tipsy) although before he used to drink alcohol, too.
He didn't want to come here anymore (he lives 130 km away and we only met on weekends when he came down here), I was sad, he felt anxious, he said I was suffocating him. So I left for three weeks, I didn't contact him, I left him alone.
During that period some mormons added pictures with him in Facebook, they were having fun. I started to feel scared.
When I came back, he contacted me, came here and.. initiated that he wanted to move here and in with me! And it must be said that he doesn't do things without thinking, I am the one first acting and then thinking. He was the opposite. Is.
We spoke about Mormonism. I tried to accept it but it was hard for me, I am not going to lie. Having someone so close to you involved with his religion so deeply, it's not so easy to tolerate.
He wanted to pray before eating, he went to a local Mormon church here on Sunday morning. He had given up alcohol. I asked what about sex after he converts (before Mormonism he didn't ever want to get married or have children - he already has one from a one night stand), he didn't really give me an answer. It seemed to me that this was an issue for him he had to think about more.
Then in two weeks he had to come again, but something happened between him and his mom (I suppose he told her he was changing his religion and his mother didn't accept it) and he didn't call, didn't contact, only sent me a message that it's fine and turned off his phone.
Next day he became angry with me because I asked his friend about him since I was worried (he was still unreachable) and told me I was needy.
We fought, I gave him space.. again. For almost three weeks. Finally I contacted him myself, asking if he had thought what he wanted. We had a very mature conversation, he said he missed me when he was away but didn't like some things he saw when he was here (I drank a bottle of wine during one night and ate a litre of ice cream - not very normal, yeah, but I am fighting with BED and I have relapses.. I never would've thought he would judge me).
In the end he said he didn't know what he wanted.
We ended the call.
I called two days later, we spoke about two hours of everything we used to before those fights, it was.. very awesome. Until I asked if he could come here next weekend (I hadn't seen him over a month). He said he has this conference (this mormon big conference). I told him that I usually don't ask thigs like that but could he this time only skip this for me? He said he didn't want to. This finally broke me. I said I couldn't do this anymore.
We spoke a week later, I called, again. But it didn't end good.
Anyway, now we are not talking anymore and there are times when I have even considered going to local LSD church myself, to see and learn what it is he is so attracted to. I am getting over this relationship and thought I really, really effing miss him, I am telling myself that this is for the best. But I still care about him very deeply, that's why I want to be sure that the path he has chosen is right for him. Of course one can never be 100% sure but.. as sure as I could be.
He is a very caring person otherwise, he is the kind of man who never cheats, never hits a woman, always carries your bags, opens the doors, brings flowers. He is a true gentleman. He also has a very strong will power - this is an exceptional thing about him. If he really wants something, he gets this. And he never quits when he has made up his mind, that's how I also know that he would never call me anymore, even if he wanted to. So if I don't contact, we won't ever talk again.
He told me that he feels good in this church, that he feels peaceful.. and I think he really likes to be with these people.
So, what do you think about this story? Do you think he will be happy also in the future?
And I am sincerely very sorry if this is a wrong place for a topic like this.
Thank you.
Dorothy
Re: Lost my boyfriend to Mormonism
This is a perfect place to get help sorting this out. I hope we don't seem mean, but probably no one is going to be in favor of you contacting this young man again. If he regains brain function and begs your forgiveness...well...that's a fantasy that probably won't happen at least not for a long time. The Mormons have met some deep need for him and he has chosen them over you. He's a fool and it's awful, but please move on.
dogzilla
Re: Lost my boyfriend to Mormonism
He may or may not be happy in the future, but you have dodged a bullet. I'm sorry you've lost this man you care about, but the cult has got him. Grieve the loss of the relationship and move on. In the long run, I think you'll find he did you a big favor. Do NOT go to the mormon church to see what the attraction was.
twistedsister
Re: Lost my boyfriend to Mormonism
We can't tell you if he's going to happy in the future, but we can tell you he's choosing the church over you. He's even judging you now, according to his new religion.
He has been unreliable and uncaring with you. He's shown you his true colors. Best to move on and find someone who values you for yourself, just the way you are.
enia
Re: Lost my boyfriend to Mormonism
Yeah, I will try to not contact him, but I know it will be though. My brain tells me that it's best to not ever talk to him again, but sometimes I have my weak moments and my emotions win. That's probably also one reason I wrote this here, I just wanted to talk to somebody who knows more about Mormons.
I hate to say it, but I have never had anything against any religion. Now, though I don't want to, I feel I hate Mormonism because I somehow feel that they stole him from me.
shannon
Re: Lost my boyfriend to Mormonism
Oh, sweetie, this is absolutely the right place for a topic like this! We get stories like yours ALL THE TIME. I'm so sorry you got your heart broken.
I know you can't see it now, but you really just dodged a bullet. Let your boyfriend go and move on with your life. You definitely don't sound like the kind of girl who should join the Mormon church just to keep a guy! Stay true to your own values and beliefs.
TBH, despite being a "gentleman," your ex sounds like a bit of a bully with or without Mormonism. You don't need someone that controlling in your life.
So, to answer your original questions ... yes, your exBF is probably deliriously happy right now. New converts are treated like Rock Stars. But he doesn't sound like a good fit for Mormonism and after the glow of conversion wears off, he will probably begin to find lots of things that he can't tolerate about Mormonism.
So will he be happy in the long-term with Mormonism? I don't believe so. Nope. Not at all. I wouldn't give him a year. Most converts go inactive almost immediately after joining the Mormon church.
Again, I think you dodged a bullet sweetie.Grieve. Move on. And good luck with the rest of your life.
:o)
twistedsister
Re: Lost my boyfriend to Mormonism
That's one of the bad things about Mormonism. The church changes people, who turn around and try to change other people to think and believe like them. If you don't, they become upset with you. It's not enough for them to live their religion, they have to try and make everyone else live it too.
jerry64
Re: Lost my boyfriend to Mormonism
From your description this guy sounds very selfish. He was (formerly?) a player in relationships. Maybe he was starting to feel bad about his behaviors, so Mormonism sounds attractive? Now he wants to impose his choices on you. Mormonism is not going to cure his selfishness, it could make it worse.
You are still young and although you still have feelings for this guy he sounds like long-term trouble to me.
enia
Re: Lost my boyfriend to Mormonism
You are very supportive. Thank you.
I also had a question, is Mormonism different in USA and in Europe? If so, then what are the main differences?
Greyfort
Re: Lost my boyfriend to Mormonism
Even putting aside the Mormon issue, I see a problem in that your relationship with him seems to be all about him. He's doesn't seem to be the slightest bit interested in what you want or need. But you'd better be ready to give him all of the space that he needs when he wants it, or the attention he needs when he needs it.
Not healthy, from my limited observation.
As for the Mormon thing, run like hell. I'm joking with that line, but I'm also serious. You've already seen the change in his personality and it's not a good change.
He says it's bringing him peace, but he's already developing a Mormon intolerance for anything outside of Mormonism and that's not good.
One thing I noticed about myself when I left Mormonism, after 30 years, was that I began developing the ability to allow other people to be who they are.
I'd like to think that I didn't look down on people who were not Mormon, but getting out of the box made me realize that I actually did. Even if it was mildly so, I like myself a lot better now.
Arwen
Re: Lost my boyfriend to Mormonism
How very sad. :(
The church presents the church in very pretty ways. They don't really go into details of the dark parts of the church (like forcing women into polygamy (in their own scriptures, near the end of Doctrine & Covenants 132, it says that a woman will "be destroyed" if she doesn't allow her husband to have another wife, and he can do so without her consent). It is a very sexist church and very primitive in many ways. They also have a history of being racist.
Most Mormons are very good people, and while the teachings are appealing to many, especially when they first learn about the basics, there is much more to it than they share (even the missionaries or regular members of the church are unaware).
I've been a member my whole life, and it wasn't until just this past year that I began learning about factual things that happened that I had no idea about.
I'm rambling...but my heart goes out to you. He's not someone you can have a relationship with right now. If you ever decide to learn about the church, be sure to read more than they present to you (like the CES Letter, www.cesletter.com).
SusieQ#1
Re: Lost my boyfriend to Mormonism
Sounds to me like he was looking for something in his life that made sense to him at this point and found that in Mormonism, at least, it appears so.
I know it's hard to watch people make decisions that don't make sense to us, but apparently it does to him.
His life may likely go in a totally different direction and completely out of your life.
That's his choice. It is something that feels right to him.
Sounds like it's time for you to let go and move on.
He is not a match for you.
nonutard
Re: Lost my boyfriend to Mormonism
If I had to bet, he met a hot cute Mormon chick and doesn't have the balls to cut off the relationship. This poster should thank her lucky stars that she didn't get sucked into the CULT.
nonutard
Re: Lost my boyfriend to Mormonism
Its the guys life (Misguided) but theres no kids or marriage, sounds like stuff me and my buddies did all the time before we settled down.
Swordfish Mk.I
Re: Lost my boyfriend to Mormonism
I guarantee he's being love-bombed and there may be one or more cute girls that will "flirt to convert" and then be "just friends". The church men will glad-hand him & build up his ego and at the same time implant guilt into him that paradoxically only the church can fix.
They want more paying members, and after he's baptized--the party's over.
dogzilla
Re: Lost my boyfriend to Mormonism
I don't think it's much different, mostly because Americans were sent to Europe as missionaries so they've carried a consistent message across the pond: Pray, Pay, and Obey. The church tries to be the McDonald's of religions: a burger and fries at McDonald's in Gislaved, Sweden (probably doesn't have a McD's) would be pretty much the same product as a burger and fries in East Bum, New Jersey (made up city name). The church wants its members to be able to walk into any ward, anywhere, and experience the same church service. They call it "correlation," but it's really just a franchise business model.
abcdomg
Re: Lost my boyfriend to Mormonism
I agree that he sounds like he is a very controlling person. It is OK for him to decide not to drink for himself, but for him to criticize you for your behavior is a warning flag that he is a controlling person and will try to turn you into the person HE wants you to be, rather than loving you for who you are. I would stay away from him as long as he exhibits controlling behavior, whether or not he stays in Mormonism. (Mormonism will teach him that it's OK for him to try to control other people's behavior, so it will probably make him worse.)
danr
Ask him a few questions before he joins.
Have him explain to you what the three Nephites are, where is Kolob, what does a green apron have to do with eternity, and how are you getting to Missouri? Maybe he will rethink his choice.
Phazer
Re: Lost my boyfriend to Mormonism
Relationships come and go. He sees meaning in mormonism. Many do. It is an illusion, a false hope, fantasy, and many mormons wanted the teachings to be true revealed doctrines...but it is not.
Anyway, with the new found conversion your friend should also visit mormonthink.com to learn more about the religion he is embracing.
Meanwhile, you might want to move along and start a relationship with somebody else. You can be love many times here on earth.
Glo
Re: Lost my boyfriend to Mormonism
Actually Mormonism is NOT a church - it is a CULT.
They want 10% of your annual income before taxes and all your free time.
Obedience to leaders is demanded and no dissent is allowed.
In other words, your friend just got recruited as another worker bee to build up a corporation which only benefits the people at the top.
Mormons are obviously love-bombing (flattering) him into joining.
He is foolish for allowing himself to be manipulated but that's how cults operate.
pathfinder
Re: Lost my boyfriend to Mormonism
Email him the CES letter...
anonow
Re: Lost my boyfriend to Mormonism
"He told me that he feels good in this church, that he feels peaceful."
Yep that sounds like a LSD church. ;-)
Titanic Survivor
OP, you may have malware causing all those links in your post.
I had something like that a couple of years ago. It can be fixed.
summer
Re: Lost my boyfriend to Mormonism
Mormonism is a very controlling religion. They control what you drink, what you wear, who comes into your home, and how much time you spend at church. It is similar to the Jehovah's Witnesses in that regard. The church expects members to pay 10% of their incomes to the church and even more for various offerings. Women are treated poorly. You don't want to have anything to do with it.
As for your boyfriend, the positives you are seeing are all surface qualities. From what you have written I am seeing signs of a questionable character. He is trying to control you. He comes and goes at his convenience with little to no consideration for you. He fathered a child in a careless manner instead of using reliable birth control. He doesn't sound like much of a catch to me.
Keep reading this board to learn more about Mormonism. But find yourself a new boyfriend.
thingsithink
Re: Lost my boyfriend to Mormonism
"And he never quits when he has made up his mind"
Well, if he ever makes up his mind, it'll be interesting to see what he does.
Bradley
Re: Lost my boyfriend to Mormonism
Believe it or not, many people are uncomfortable with too much freedom. Your ex likes the control structure of Mormonism. Life does seem to run smoother that way, but it's like greasing the skids with feces.
Susan I/S
Educate yourself.
This is a nice punch list. I would bet good money he doesn't know most of this. http://www.exmormon.org/tract2.htm They practice what they call "milk before meat". That means they only teach you the happy/normal stuff and save the crazy till you are dunked. Even then many life time members are incredibly ignorant about their own religion.
In any case, the guy is not a good guy and it sounds like the relationship has been unhealthy. You are well rid of him. It's a great big world and I am sure there are many GOOD guys out there just looking for someone like you. Make sure you are available to meet them and not mooning over this guy. And for heavens sakes don't let him keep you as a piece on the side for sex.
forestpal
Re: Lost my boyfriend to Mormonism
I agree that you should not call him. You can do better! You have been a very sweet person to be so patient with him, and I'm sure you can find someone more "normal."
Mormonism is a CULT, not a religion.
Mormonism requires its members to put the cult first--ahead of spouse, loved-ones, even family. You would never be first in his life. The MOrmon cult brainwashes its members, and son this poor young man will be cleaning their toilets--literally--and giving him a full 10% of his income. That's a huge chunk of money. Maybe he won't ever have enough money to get married. Even if he did, the Mormon cult teaches its members to marry only other Mormons, and they must be married in the temple.
If my some chance, the two of you continue a relationship, he will try to change you! He will try to change you into a Mormon.
Another fact you should know, is that Mormons do not respect women. Women can't have the priesthood authority, like the men can. The women sit on opposite sides of the room during temple rituals. The men vow to follow the church, and the women vow to follow their husbands. Even the president of the church called his wife a "possession." I'm a woman who grew up in the Mormon cult, and it almost destroyed my self-esteem, and did destroy my life.
Any way you look at it, your relationship is doomed. If you read some of the stories here, you will know you are LUCY that you aren't already married. The Mormon cult often breaks up marriages. It is evil. God has nothing to do with Mormonism.
I know you have been in love, and that your heart is breaking--but I still think you are a lucky girl to get out of this relationship, and to get out of any contact with the Mormon cult.
enia
Re: Lost my boyfriend to Mormonism
Thank you all for your answers. I really appreciate it and can't tell how much it helps me.
Before I think I felt that I was somehow being the bad one.
Well, we both made mistakes, equally, I think. And he is a good person, he has been through a lot in his life. And actually he said that this is what he is looking for -rules etc. He said that he has done it all his life and never felt completely satisfied but now he has found what he was looking for - in Mormonism. I myself feel I have too much rules in my life and am attracted by nomadism. So we kinda went in totally different directions.
I am not over him yet, it just doesn't happen in two weeks (though I wish it would) and am still afraid that I will have some weak moment when I contact him.
But after all, I just wish he would be happy. Really.
AZanon
Re: Lost my boyfriend to Mormonism
Run far and run fast.
Take what you can learn from this experience and get out of dodge!
1) He's easily seduced -- both by women and this cult. Don't invest your heart into a man who is easily seduced. He needs to bring self-control and healthy boundaries to the table, because you deserve it.
2) Sounds like about half of your 7 month relationship has been spent in emotional turmoil. Don't waste the rest of your life on such drama.
3) He fathered a child with a woman he didn't even know. I married a man who did the same thing. You know what? We don't even have a relationship with said kid...but the stranger-woman gets her child support every month on time whether we have lights on, groceries, gas or food. I love him, but I wouldn't ever marry a man with this baggage again. If we knew the kid, and had a relationship with her, maybe I'd feel different. She turns 18 next year. We've spent $100k+ supporting her over the years. His drunken one-night of passion with a stranger has a hefty price tag. Don't go there. Just don't.
4) The church is poison. Remember this for the rest of your life. You've been fortunate to learn this truth before it had a chance to ruin too much of your life. Don't ever forget the lessons you've learned through this experience.
verilyverily
Re: Lost my boyfriend to Mormonism
Dump him......you deserve better. He is a flake who has no idea what he wants.
Talon Avex
Re: Lost my boyfriend to Mormonism
Enia,
You are not the 'bad one' and I'm glad you see that. Don't let this sad time define you or take over your life.
I had a girlfriend who was an inactive Mormon, but got sucked back into the church by her family. In short, they did not approve of me when we started to get 'serious' in our relationship (I'm a non-mormon who would not covert to satisfy thier 'Families are Forever' belief). The bad ending hurt, but I was able to move on and recover. A portion of that healing came from the good people here. Even as a non-Mormon, you're recovering from wound caused by Mormonism.
Trust me and believe me when I say this, please: Learn from this and move on. There will be others out there that share your same passions, ideas and hopes for life. As much as it may still hurt, it's best to keep moving. Hearts heal with time and you have many miles left in your journey.
EssexExMo
Re: Lost my boyfriend to Mormonism
I am someone who converted, and spent many years in the cult, so take that into account when you read my answer.
A convert is usually f'd up in some way.
there is a need for something that he thinks he might get from mo'ism, whether that is security, community, stability or whatever.
Normal, stable, social people with friends dont join cults
and, as such, he is damaged goods and probably wont be healed from that for a long time.
Pooped
Re: Lost my boyfriend to Mormonism
He's not a real boyfriend. His "niceness" is seriously conditional. It's conditional on his wants and needs and involves none of yours. You are in an unhealthy relationship. He knows exactly how to manipulate you. He should be avoided at all cost.
Leah
Re: Lost my boyfriend to Mormonism
The Book of Mormon is a proven fraud.
DNA clearly shows that the American Indians are NOT of Hebrew descend as the book claims.
Instead, they came from Asia, specifically from the regions around Lake Baikal.
If your friend understands this and still wants to become a slave to Mormonism, then you have to let him go and experience all that Mormonism will do to him.
Some people only learn the hard way.Move on.
optional2
Re: Lost my boyfriend to Mormonism
Mormon leaders want to keep members in Europe in the dark about what problems there are with the Mormon Church.
I like what Hans Mattsson has to say about what the Mormon church He was a Mormon leader from Sweden, who tried to help members who found out unhappy truths about Joseph Smith and Mormon church history problems)
Is about.
http://mobile.nytimes.com/2013/07/21/us/some-mormons-search-the-web-and-...
http://mormonstories.org/hans-mattsson/
http://www.mormonthink.com/personalstories/hans-mattsson.htm
http://mormonthink.com/glossary/swedish-rescue2.htm
"Recovery from Mormonism - www.exmormon.org"