Just found out the truth.

funeraltaters Jan. 2014

Hello everyone,

I've been following this site for the last few days and I've enjoyed hearing your stories and decided that I would like to participate. I'm a 29 year-old, multi-generational, BIC, pioneer-stock ex-mo. Like Nephi of old I was born to goodly parents and instructed in the ways of righteousness. The whole time I was growing up I never really questioned the church or its teachings.

I never did have that "burning in the bosom" or anything that I could even come close to claiming as a divine witness but I just kind of always figured that the church was true. I mean it had to be true. My parents, grandparents, church leaders, school teachers and all the good Utah people around me were way too smart to be duped into some ridiculous cult!

As I approached mission age I decided it was time to put my faith to the test and read and pray about the BoM. I read and prayed with full sincerity of heart but never did get a spiritual confirmation that the church was true. I left on a mission anyway figuring that the church was true and it was just a matter of time until the lard saw fit to reveal it to me.

The first several months of my mission were mentally and emotionally challenging as I struggled with feelings of doubt and unworthiness. Why did all the other Elder's have such strong testimonies and not me? Was I not working hard enough for an answer? Did I have unresolved sins that rendered me unworthy of a spiritual witness? I was living as purely as I knew how and had many embarrassing interviews with church leaders where I confessed to them all the evil things that hormones will cause a young man to do. I became miserable and thought that problem lie within me and certainly not the Lord's one true church? One day it became so much that I broke mission rules by calling home and confiding to my parents how miserable I was and that I might have to come home if things didn't get better. Likely a little nervous that there son would come home from his LDS mission dishonorably and bring shame to the family they contacted my mission president and informed him of my call home. This holy man of God was furious with my rule breaking and of my complaints to my parents and called me in for an emergency interview where he repeated what I said to my parents in a whiney voice and made a mockery of me. He told me if I wanted to go home he would send me home straightaway and it would be no skin off his back. I told him that I didn't wish to go home and I would see my mission through 'til the end. My mom told him our family has a history of anxiety/depression so the next course of action was to do the cliché Utah Mormon thing and have an appointment with a doctor who would prescribe with some anti-anxiety pills to shove down my gullet to cure a problem that was purely environmental and not caused by some chemical imbalance in my brain.

Well, two years mercifully passed and I served an uneventful, rather "fruitless" mission and was no more convinced of the truthfulness of the church than I was before I left. The more I became exposed to church doctrine the more nagging questions I had about questionable doctrines such as polygamy and the denial of temple blessing and the priesthood to black members. And isn't it a little convenient that the prophets always seemed to have "revelations" to do away with these things right at precise points in history when it was becoming very inconvenient for the church to continue with this doctrine? What was the deal with the unanimous apostasy of the witnesses of the BoM and many of the church's early apostles? Why didn't Emma Smith head west with the saints if it was so divinely inspired and true? Like any faithful Mormon I pushed these doubts out of my head and continued on with the good ol' fake it til you make it approach. Maybe God had given me a witness but I was just to thick to understand the subtleties of the way The Lord communicates?

As a fresh return missionary many members of my home ward were in awe of the transformation that had taken place. I left this awkward, insignificant young man and returned "so full of the spirit" and taught the Gospel with such conviction and power. The reality of the matter is I just learned how to be eloquent, quick on my feet and developed my talents as a public speaker through numerous lessons and talks given on my mission. This is what they were really so enamored with but there false belief in my possession of great spiritual power made me feel a lot better about my situation and I believed that maybe I was a much better Elder than I realized.

I remained very active in the church during the period shortly after my mission. I was going attending college at Southern Utah University and held the callings of a Sunday School Teacher and Ward Mission Leader in my YSA ward. I lived worthy of a temple recommend and still fervently read the scriptures and prayed for enlightenment as to the truthfulness of the church. Though answers weren't coming I had adapted quite well to the whole merely believing and having faith routine. Of course I wasn't able to keep this up forever and began a gradual decline into immorality and inactivity. My TBM mother began to get preachy about my situation and this only caused me to push back even further. As I was still single as a mid twenties RM she informed me that I should have been married by now and that she concluded that the Lord was withholding the blessing of marriage from me due to my lack of faithfulness. Thanks for the concern mom!

As the next few years went by I became completely inactive but in the back of my mind still figured that the church HAD to be true and that I needed to make up my mind to come back someday. During this time I met and married a wonderful never-mo woman who suits me very well and this turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me. I've read many accounts on this website and others of people learning the truth for themselves and having their marriage completely ruined when their TBM spouses didn't take it so well. Thank God I will never have to go through the trouble of being wedded to someone who this abominable church has such a great hold of!

After years of living in a state of befuddlement, something rather unexpected happened about one week ago. One of my old high school buddies (an ex-mo) posted a letter written by a man by the name of Jeremy Runnells. My friend said that people often questioned why he didn't believe in the church and the content contained in Jeremy's letter was his explanation of why. I was curious to see what this letter said. In my more TBM days I probably would never have let myself read this letter, believing in the admonitions of the church leaders who counseled us that anything that didn't portray the church in a perfectly glorious light was of Satan. I began reading the letter thinking I would merely be reading the ramblings of a butthurt ex-mo who didn't feel included enough in ward activities or felt judged by some of the more pious members. What I found was much more than I bargained for...

Everything that I had strived for years and years to believe in was beginning to unravel before me in a matter of minutes. Fraudulent interpretation of the Book of Abraham, Kinderhook plates, Hoffman documents, Joseph's polygamy and polyandry, danite forces and the list goes on and on and on! Reasoning and logic took over and I finally shook myself free from the state of sheep-like servility I have been living in my whole life. No wonder the church leaders counseled so strongly against exploring church history from publications by anybody other than them; it's not because it is clever lies crafted by Satan and wicked men who seek the overthrow of the church. It's because it is the honest truth and the church is giant fraud!

Haha! Everything made so much sense now! The questionable doctrines, the counsel against reading "anti-Mormon" literature (aka the truth), my inability to gain a testimony of the truthfulness of this farce. It all makes complete and perfect sense! How could I have fallen for it all these years? How are so many of my family members, friends and acquaintances who are surely as smart or smarter than I am still bound under its spell? My reaction to finding out the truth of the church wasn't fear, repulsion, rage or any of the other negative emotions many ex-mo's so they felt. I felt a little bit of humor in the ridiculousness of everything that I believed in and maybe just a little regret about all the wasted time, money, energy and emotion I expended over the years following this cult. Mostly I felt relief. It's okay that I'm happily married to a Gentile! I don't have to part with an imposing 10% of my income to be a worthy servant of God, my Sundays no longer have to be spent in insufferable boredom, drudgery and endless meetings. I am Free!

The only negative to finding out the church is false is now I am right back at square one when it comes to having the answers about the purpose of life and what is to come in the hereafter. I like to believe that the tenets of mainstream Christianity are correct and that we do have a Savior who loves us and died for us, though I don't claim to anything of a surety. I will continue seeking knowledge and if a higher understanding ever comes that will be awesome. If not, I will not worry myself sick about it and just enjoy what little time we have on earth. I will indulge in rated R movies, occasional alcoholic beverages, recreational activities on beautiful, sunny Sabbath days and everything else life has to offer. Thank God I am free from the shackles of Mormonism!

Lurker From Beyond
Re: Just found out the truth.
Glad you got away from the cult!

Just my opinion, but:

"The only negative to finding out the church is false is now I am right back at square one when it comes to having the answers about the purpose of life and what is to come in the hereafter."

Isn't a negative, it is a positive in that you now get to figure that stuff out for yourself instead of having it spoon-fed to you by someone else.

For what it's worth, my answers are:

Life is what you make of it and nobody knows what, if anything, happens afterward, so there's no point in worrying about it too much.

fredoi
Re: Just found out the truth.
What a beautiful story. Really enjoyed reading that.
Thanks for sharing.

You asked, why...How are so many of my family members, friends and acquaintances who are surely as smart or smarter than I am still bound under its spell?

Have alook at this. The church owns Bonneville.
http://www.bonneville.com/?nid=32

I know Christianity has problems..personally my wife and I, it makes us happy
We now attend another church.

It's nice, simple, traditional. It says you can believe what you want, and you don't have to "join" us.

Now, I find god on bis terms, not the stupidan made terms we were told.

It's scarey in some respects. But you know what? God is bigger and more powerful now.

And I feel he is less judgemental. He just wants me to be a good person, make the world a better place, love one another.

It is such a breath of fresh air from the stale CULTure of prefabricated Mormonism

funeraltaters
Re: Just found out the truth.
Thanks for the comment guys. I definitely agree with everything you said. It feels good to be free!
wine country girl
Re: Just found out the truth.
Most people are at square one. It may be that the question of why we are here misdirects us from the real question: where did we come from and how did we get here? It can only be answered by science.

Vote for Pedro
Re: Just found out the truth.
There's much more comfort to me in an honest "I don't know" than there is in any lie.

Welcome!

summer
Re: Just found out the truth.
Welcome! We're glad that you found your way here.

This one's for you. :)

http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/46/43/43/464343d34d25ba55f336a562...

anagrammy
Re: Just found out the truth.
Going on a journey to find out what makes life meaningful for others and yourself is delicious. It isn't not a chore or a curse. Only human beings seek such answers, so you might say it's part of the joy of being human and being alive.

You will find the deadness you felt inside go a way as you begin having experiences that YOU get to define, rather than relying on announcements from 15 old guys who never even met you.

Welcome out of the Motrix and welcome to RfM. We are your peeps and we get you. Got questions? Someone here will have answers.

Best

Anagrammy

funeraltaters
Re: Just found out the truth.
Thanks for all the kind words and support people. I enjoy the humor, perspective and opportunity to talk with people who have experienced what I have experienced that this website offers.
funeraltaters
Re: Just found out the truth.
summer Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Welcome! We're glad that you found your way here.
>
>
> This one's for you. :)
>
> http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/46/43/43/46
> 4343d34d25ba55f336a562eb58317a.jpg

Haha, very relevant to my situation right now. I very much feel like the sheep in that picture. I haven't broken the news to many people yet. Just my wife and a couple friends who have like feelings about the morg. I think next time my mom gets really preachy and smug about calling me to repentance will be a good occasion to break it to her. Maybe I can also let her know that I know all about the gentile beverages her and my dad indulged in last time they visited my ex-mo aunt and uncle up in Spanish Fark.

blueorchid
Re: Just found out the truth.
I never get tired of reading stories like that and yours is so well written.

Reading what you said about not getting the burning in the bosom after all the earnest praying and constant beseaching makes me question myself one more time: "What took me so long? Why when the answer was always dead silence--nothing, nada, bupkis--did I continue on with the whole charade? Why did I think it was ME for so long?"

I did the grande push for testimony too just before the temple and the mission and got zip. But off I went anyway.

So glad you found out. And welcome to the "what took us so long?" club.

Deacon's Clip-on Tie
Re: Just found out the truth.
Wow, excellent story funeraltaters! Your story up through the mission phone call is almost my exact same story more than a decade earlier - Multigenerational TBM on both sides of my family. Why didn't I have a testimony? Had I "confessed" enough? What is wrong with me? Why all the crazy questions about church history and doctrine? I snuck out in the middle of the night and drove to a payphone (because we didn't have one) to call my parents. The mission presidentthen met with me several times and even arranged for me to meet with a GA to talk about my concerns. Nobody could answer my questions. I was miserable.

I actually ended up leaving the mission early and have never turned back. One of the BEST decisions of my life.

Thanks again for sharing!

breedumyung
Re: Just found out the truth.
Your story is why I continue to lurk around here....

Awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!

donbagley
Re: Just found out the truth.
Your moniker made me time travel to nostalgia land. Pennsylvania, Valley Forge Ward, circa 1969. I was a deacon, and I wore a clip-on tie. There was always the danger of a teacher or a priest grabbing the tie and yanking it off. You learned how to dodge the older boys. Maybe that's a metaphor for Mormonism: dodging the old boys.
Dave the Atheist
Re: Just found out the truth.
now you can be a genuine person.
axeldc
My biggest regrets
My biggest regret about quitting church was not doing it sooner. I wasted my college years on a mission and at BYU instead of enjoying them more.

verilyverily
Re: Just found out the truth.
100% agree with breedumyung...
"I felt a little bit of humor in the ridiculousness of everything that I believed in and maybe just a little regret about all the wasted time, money, energy and emotion I expended over the years following this cult. Mostly I felt relief." - I did at first too. If anger does show up, (and it might), keep in mind that you are not the only one.
I have been a serious victim of TBMs in several ways so I am very angry at TSCC and the culture it produces which SUCKS.
Welcome aboard. Your story is great.
PS - your moniker is so funny!!!!

honestone
Re: Just found out the truth.
Enjoyed reading your story and so happy for you. It is nice that a friend got you to read something that caused it all to come crumbling down...of course you knew it all along. I think God doesn't allow people like you to go on living a lie, faking it, teaching younger people about the LDS church as though it is perfect as they claim, etc. I really believe that. It just took you longer to face the fact and with the help of this friend you were ready. And because you were ready you have little anger. YOU had already started your life with a partner that would not cause you any grief about religion.

You didn't mention what your parents said about you dating and marrying a non Mormon? Was it a civil wedding where all were invited but little or no Mormon talk? Just curious. Did your wife ever worry that there may be a chance one day that you would wonder back to the religion of your parents?

All the best to you and yes, you can now do anything you wish to do. If it includes mainstream Christianity that is great, but if you wish to worship in your own way - enjoying nature, art, music, etc. that is just fine too. Whatever you do, help those exmos who are still struggling with their parents. It seems you have a plan to be able to get through a lot of that.

Ragnar
Re: Just found out the truth.
"...the answers about the purpose of life..."

As for the purpose of life, I like this (from JS's own lips):

"...men are that they might have joy." (2 Nephi, 2:25)

He got it right there.

raiku
Re: Just found out the truth.
Personally I think every missionary should just call their family and tell the mission president "If you don't like it, send me home." Period. Ignore anything they tell you about breaking the rules. To hell with the damn rules, every vulnerable young adult needs to be able to talk to their family anytime they want. That's what families are for. A mission president is no substitute for a caring family. Even soldiers have the right to call home.

jazzskeeter
Re: Just found out the truth.
My parents joined the church in the Philly area in about 1962. I attended a branch in the Philadelphia area growing up. Same stake? Stake conferences were held at University of Pennsylvania?

nickname
Re: Just found out the truth.
Welcome!

Your reaction to suddenly figuring out that its all a fraud was very similar to mine. It was shocking how easily and quickly the house of cards collapsed once I allowed myself to critically examine my own beliefs. I had the exact same experience of, "Of course it isn't true! That makes SO MUCH SENSE!" All mixed with some degree of embarrassment for ever having fallen for such an obvious fraud!

Lol! When you step back and really take a look at it, the only thing about the Morg that actually makes any sense is the fact that its a lie!

closer2fine
Re: Just found out the truth.
The mike was working! ;) So glad you shared.
PapaKen
Re: Just found out the truth.
Wonderful story! Welcome to RfM!
dazen
Re: Just found out the truth.
I enjoyed your story man, welcome :)
notamormon
Re: Just found out the truth.
Have you posted your story on the bio forum here yet?

http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?3,1145447

AmIDarkNow?
Yeah Baby Yeah! 

mk
Re: Just found out the truth.
Whatever this life is, it is a glorious gift. Be happy that you can now spend it truly loving people and enjoying every minute of it. Be good and kind for no other reason than that it makes us happy to be good and kind. Respect others because they deserve it as fellow humans.

Whatever happens to us once we take the big dirt nap... deal with that then!

Been there, too
Re: Just found out the truth.
Funeraltaters said: "The only negative to finding out the church is false is now I am right back at square one when it comes to having the answers about the purpose of life and what is to come in the hereafter."

Congrats on being out. I wish the best for you. But I want to challenge you on your premise above. The purpose of life is entirely what we make of it. That's the best part. You've already left one set of fairy tales and apologetics behind. Many find "mainstream" Christianity to be much of the same.

Some of the greatest thinkers and most optimistic people on this earth were not believers of mainstream religion.

Give this a watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p86BPM1GV8M

Focus your energy on art, philosophy, and science. Find your own meaning to life.

Bamboozled
Re: Just found out the truth.
Re: having the answers about the purpose of life and what is to come in the hereafter.

Actually you already have one of the answers. You've figured out that the LDS church isn't what it claims. You're on the road to learning. Congrats!

"Recovery from Mormonism - www.exmormon.org"