Funniest thing heard in testimony meeting

by almostgone

"I know that this is the church of jesus christ of latter day saints." And it was the a member of the bishopric... TOO funny.

I actually laughed out loud and my spouse was not happy about that.

What are some of the funny things that you've heard in testimony meeting?

The Motrix
Re: Funniest thing heard in testimony meeting
I love how they always say, "and we say these things in the name of thy son, jesus christ, amen." -- and it's not a prayer; it's a testimony. It just goes to show that the brain is never engaged, never thinking, thus the conversion to mo-sim.

Re: Funniest thing heard in testimony meeting
The funniest thing I ever heard was a man at the pulpit just bawling because he had done something terrible. He kept repeating that he just felt horrible because he had done something so bad. He told us that as a grandfather he had certain responsibilities to his grandchild and he had failed. He went on like this for a good while, building us all up until I had imagined all sorts of horrible, freaky things he could have done. At last he told us that he had used the word "@#$%&" in front of his 4 year old grandson. (Of course, he didn't use the actual word, but let us know what word it was) He was steadily crying when he said this and I had to bite my tongue hard not to laugh at loud!

The poor child! Was therapy effective for him -- or is he scarred for life?!? ;) 

Re: Funniest thing heard in testimony meeting
My home ward is full of old-timer mormons that won't share their testimony, but rather they just get up and tell their life story. it's ridiculous and embarrassing that these fully grown adults don't realize they're taking up precious time for others to share their actual testimonies while they blab on and on about something completely irrelevant to testimony, ending with something half-assed faith promoting.

Was this in Wisconsin?
The Strangites in Wisdconsin have a church by the same name.

Maybe he's trying to convince himself that his version of the COJCOLDS is true. Or maybe he's just a human who is nervous in front of everyone....nah.

Speaking of Strangites, most of JSjrs family and some of the BoM witnesses followed James Strang for a while, and he had plates with witnesses too.

When Hinckley was profit I attended a branch of much older, senior FHL missionaries, and
cannot count how many times I heard them testify that David O. McKay was the profit. They never corrected themselves, and sometimes this happened more than once in a meeting.

Re: Funniest thing heard in testimony meeting
We have an older woman in our ward who gets up about every six months and tells her (long) conversion story. It is always the same, including the fact that she had an "ashtray the size of a hubcap" sitting on the table while the sister missionaries were teaching her.

Now, every time she gets up, I lean over to my wife and say, "an ashtray the size of a hubcap!"

Re: Funniest thing heard in testimony meeting
There was one woman in my ward who would go up quite frequently, and it always sounded like she was presenting a rehearsed, prepared speech. And it was always really long-winded. But the funniest moment I have heard of in SM is when my BIL described someone giving a talk in his ward who was so nervous, he fainted at the podium. He said the poor guy's forehead landed on the microphone with a distinct, audible "Thunk!"

Re: Funniest thing heard in testimony meeting
One other moment: A pretty young woman was visiting the ward with her fiance and his family. She gets up to introduce herself, "the church is true, blah, blah blah." His mom gets up, blah, blah, blah. He feels the pressure, so he gets up, " The church is true, blah blah blah. my fiance XYZ is such a wonderful woman, blah blah blah, Then he says, "I love XYZ, she's just like my mother."
So, in his case, its true what women say about men. They want to marry their mothers. He is in for a rude shock when reality sets in.

Re: Funniest thing heard in testimony meeting
I don't know how many times I have just sat in amazement when the stake presidency, bishopric and on down get up and start out saying " I would like to bear my testimony "I know this church us true" "I know Joe Smith was a true propher" etc etc. I sit there and think there any other church that people get up and start out their testimonies sounding like they have to defend the church and all it is about? I want to hear testimonies of the Savior. I don't care if they "know" the church is true because they do not. They may believe it is true but they sure don't know. Testimony meetings are rough some times!

I have a few funny ones that stand out in my 40+ years in the morg...
1) There was this cop who was in our ward. He was asked by the bishop's wife to help a single sister in the ward, by answering some "ticket questions" for her. Well, you can guess, the phone call turned into a "I like you better than my current wife" situation, and he divorced his wife and married the woman w/ the ticket question. A month later, the old wife gets up in sac meeting, and basically tells the whole story, sobs, and ridicules the Bishops wife for "satanic match making." We all sat there with our mouths open. No one stopped her either.

2) There was this middle aged moronic woman who worked in a casino on Sunday's. She came to church dressed in her casino uniform. She was about 300 pounds, and kinda of a dorky lady. Bless her heart. She stood up and said, "bro's and sis's, I know this church is true..blah blah blah...I work in a Casino, and the spirit is in the Casino. A man came in and lost a lot of money at my black jack table. He said, 'holy sh$#' and 'what the F$#$', and I told him that he must not say those words. He apologized, and I could sense the spirit came upon him from me as he left with no anger or malice toward my table or the casino." Again, we all sat there in dumfounded amazement that she actually sounded out the two expletives..right there in sac meeting. We laughed so hard on the way home, and in fact, we have gotten a lot of mileage out of that one. We call in the "S and F" sac meeting. Very entertaining.

3) We had this old cambodian lady who was our chorister. She was such a hoot. I mean, she would continually stop the congregation 1/2 through the song, and make us start everytime. Well she always bore her testimony, and it always lasted about 15 minutes. One day, in very broken English, she talked about how her husband was impotent, and how difficult this had been for her (I mean she's like 80 years old and he's gotta be 85). She said she had fasted and prayed about it, and finally realized that he could not "do it" because he hadn't read the BOM with her in the mornings, and was being punished.

OMG I laughed so hard at that one, I had to leave the meeting.

Re: Funniest thing heard in testimony meeting
Steven, if there was ever a snowball's chance in Hell that I'd ever go back to the Morg, I want to go to your ward. Sounds like a barrel of laughs!

Kid trying to be funny
Once a young deacon aged kid tried to be funny when giving a talk. He said, "I expected to look over a vast audience when I gave my talk. Instead, I see you're only half-vast." His dad about choked and his mom hid her face. I don't think he even knew the phrase "half-assed." A few years later he admitted that he wanted to start off with a joke, so he looked it up in a joke book.

Simone Stigmata
Re: Funniest thing heard in testimony meeting
We had an old guy who had section 89 of the D&C memorized. He would get up and start reciting it. If he lost his place, he would start all over.
He also had memorized the 1st vision canonized account. If he lost his place, he would start over.

The bishop would have to ask him to please sit down so others could testify. Good times.

Re: Funniest thing heard in testimony meeting
No, people in normal churches do not do this. They do not go to church to pump it up as the one true church. We go to speak of the life and actions of Jesus. We go to hear the sermon of a person who has a degree in theology. He can shed more light on that which we care about than any Tom, Dick and Harry who wants to stand up and give their personal testimony-and that is far from personal is memorized jibberish.

Who cares if the denomination I attend is the ONE true church. Many are so similar in Protestantism that they are hard to distinguish. We would be bored to tears to hear the same words said over and over.....only do that with the Lord's prayer. I think the Mormons don't have theology schools because they can't reconcile the BofM with the Bible. So they just don't do seminary for their "clergy". They would be laughed out of the school.

Last month we were treated to this...
"I would like to bare my testimony..."
(20 minutes of just standing there staring blankly at the ward)
"wow...this is so hard."
(another 5 minutes of just standing there)
"My emotions are so full right now."
(another couple minutes. A woman starts heading to the front to help this hapless person)
"I know that it's true. In the name of Jesus Christ...Amen"

The evils of cable tv
One old man always had something loony to say, but the one that stood out in my mind was him going on and on about how evil cable tv was. Then he told everyone that it didn't matter if you didn't subscribe to cable, satellites are beaming it down and the signals to those R rated movies are all around as at all times, even if we don't subscribe to cable.

Finance Clerk
My ward had a line of psycho's get up and say wacky things. Sane people didn't want to follow. What a waste of time n/t 

...and the Guatamalan tour guide wasn't even a member!
...even non-Mormons in Guatamala know the things in the Book of Mormon really happened!

(no mention of the fee paid per American Mormon or it's local value for a genuine locally guided tour of "Book of Mormon"

Funniest thread I've read in a long time.
I just about choked on my cough drop reading the "half-vast" story.

When I was a teen, my scoutmaster was bearing his testimony about how he joined the Church because of some Mormons he knew at work. After awhile, it became clear to me that he didn't have a testimony and never did. At one point, he said "Baptized? How could I be baptized? I didn't know if I even believed any of this @#$%&." He said it apparently without even realizing what he said, but people around the room sat up and blinked.

Zeno Lorea
Not one talk in particular
But I fondly recall the baroque pomp and circumstance full of self-aggrandizing humbler-than-thou attitude of Latin American converts who had first set foot in a church six to eighteen months before, and would be on their way out six to eighteen months later.

Or the very first testimony of a convert at their baptism, when you know they've been members of every other freaky pseudo-christian cult in town. One had a small photo album with pics of her three kids, and on every pic, mom was wearing other robes: Hare Krishna, something Buddhist, something christian charismatic, Jehovah's Witnesses. She went back to catholicism everytime the pope came to town, which is every year if you live in Milan!

Re: Funniest thing heard in testimony meeting
I really liked what you said honestone. I have been attending a nondenominational church for 3 months where they actually have trained, experienced, degred pastors. I have never even been close to being bored. Lots of music with the band etc. and one of 3 pastors that knows how to give a sermon. And talk about the only thing I think is important in church. Jesus! I haven't heard one mention of JS yet!

inquiring mind
Re: When Hinckley was profit I attended a branch of much older, senior FHL missionaries, and
Perhaps these folks thought that David O. McKay was the last president who deserved the title of "prophet". I rather do not think this was an accidental "senior slip".

Re: Funniest thing heard in testimony meeting
One for me was when a man got up (who didn't attend very often) and said ' I know the Book of NORMAN is true'.
Wow, is there another book to read???? No-one corrected him.
We didn't see him again to my recollection.

Exactly, honestone
I've never heard anything remotely like "we're the true church" at a mainline Protestant service.

It's a two-pronged technique: TSCC constantly bullies the members with assertions that it's twoo, so you better get with the program, and the membership constantly reassures itself that the church is twoo to con themselves into staying with the program. Mormons worship the church, not God or Jesus.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/28/2010 10:14AM by Nonnie.

The bishopric rotates speaking once a month during the 3rd Sunday's sacrament meeting.
The BP (who is a second-timer as the BP) stood up and said, "I think this is the sh*ts that I have to speak in Sacrament meetings. I'm the bishop of the ward."

The members became noticeably quiet. I had to stifle my laughing.

I'm not sure if he ever spoke in Sacrament meetings again. I didn't stick around to find out.

Searching Truth
These are too funny...let's keep it rolling! 

Re: Funniest thing heard in testimony meeting
Not exactly funny.

one F&T meeting a long term TBM (A London Cabbie) got up and told how he had been robbed, punched, given chase and had a knife pulled on him by a fare.

he seemed to think this was worthy of being an uplifting story, because HF had allowed him to escape with only minor injuries, a bloody nose and no money - rather than getting his throat cut

Re: Funniest thing heard in testimony meeting
a 12 year old girl went up to the pulpit and proceeded to bear her testimony on how gossip is bad.

10 minutes after sitting down, she got back up and stated that the spirit told her to bear her testimony again. She gave the exact same testimony the second time around and then sat down.

man my ward is bizarre....

"Recovery from Mormonism -"