Hey. I think I am finally recovered. For real.
kc Nov. 2013
A long time ago, probably in 2001 or so, I used to come here and read. I was questioning and the things I was reading on these boards were agitating me... making me doubt more. Making me angry that people here so smugly proclaimed it was NOT the True Church. I started trolling the boards... yes, I was pretty obnoxious and I guess it was my way of dealing with the internal conflict. Sorry for that
, admins. Anyway, I started really digging up a lot of info and realizing that yeah, I was living a false dream. I started posting a lot... sincerely looking for direction. By 2003 I wrote my resignation letter and officially left the church, and posted about that here too. This was a HUGE step for me. I had been a convert at age 17, went to Ricks college, taught a lot of classes, was in the Young Women's Presidency, married in the temple, had a bunch of kids, did all my genealogy, work for the dead, etc etc. Was about as 'true blue' as a person can be.
So when I left it was horrible, distressing, I felt so lost and afraid. I was scared to go do anything on Sunday. What if my kids drowned because I took them swimming instead of going to church? What if we got in a fatal car wreck because we went shopping on the Sabbath? That kind of thing. I was scared to buy actual underwear. I was a nervous wreck about everything. I knew the church was not true but I didn't know how to just BE without it. If I wasn't Mormon, who was I?
Even a few years back I was stressing out because my exhusband wanted to be sealed to his new wife. I was flipping out because even though I didn't believe in sealings anymore, it was upsetting me that my kids would technically be sealed to this new woman. And I still felt this weird guilt when I talked to Mormons, or about the church, or about my leaving. I used to come here a lot and read and think and try to feel better.
Just the other day, I realized I hadn't been here in a long time. Nor have I noticed when it was General Conference weekend, or thought about anything church related. I drink coffee without a second thought. My underwear is such a non issue. I am comfortable in my own skin and have zero fear about church stuff anymore. I am, in fact, not just an "ex-Mormon"... I have evolved into just ME. Just being. Not an ex. Just who I am.
Amazing. It took ten years after leaving to get to this place. I remember when I thought I would never heal, or feel normal, or get over it. I want to tell you folks who are scared, or going through it now, or think leaving the church is 'the end' in some way... you will heal. You will be okay. Follow the path your integrity demands. Healing will come and there will be a day when the Mormon church is not even a second thought or a hint of a memory in your everyday life. You can BE. You will be truly free. I just want you to know that. It is so worth it.
caffiend
More and more will be in your rear-view mirror, KC...
...and further and further back, until even the details are hard to make out. Way to go!
sigh
Re: Hey. I think I am finally recovered. For real.
Way to go! I felt the way you did. I was only a convert for a few months but when I first left, I felt guilty about everything - even coffee and iced tea! I felt guilty if I wore sleeveless shirts too!
Incredible the amount of mind control that they try to inflict on members.
gracewarrior
Re: Hey. I think I am finally recovered. For real.
Thanks for your story. I think that even when we initially realize it is a fraud, there is time needed to heal. Mormonism still can have a deep psychological grip.. even when we intellectually know it to be false. This decompressing can take years. There is a need to replace old beliefs, habits, and release anger/pain. This takes time.
I have been visiting this board off and on since 2004 under a few different names. I just recently started visiting the board again because of curiosity. I have gotten past the "searching" stage. I am more curious about the recent antics of TSCC and hope to impart anything I have learned on my journey.
zenjamin
Re: Hey. I think I am finally recovered. For real.
Thank you.
Just - Sincere Thanks.
alyssum
Re: Hey. I think I am finally recovered. For real.
"If I wasn't Mormon, who was I?"
That hits the nail on the head. I'm dealing with that now. Last Sunday, going on a hike instead of to church, I realized, "I've never really felt free to figure out my own approach to spirituality... not dictated by the church. Finding my own approach to everything else works best for me, why not the most personal of all things? And why didn't I ever think about that before?"
It's gonna take time. Thanks for the encouragement.
honestone
Re: Hey. I think I am finally recovered. For real.
"Follow the path your integrity demands." Isn't that the truth. I so love that statement. If everyone truly did that even if it takes 10 yrs. there would be so much healing and happiness in your life and all the fear and sense of guilt would be gone forever. Glad you are at that happy place in life.
breedumyung
Re: Hey. I think I am finally recovered. For real.
kc,
your post made my day, week, month, year; Eternity!
Great to hear.
Even tho I have been out for 42 years, I prolly still carry a little Mormonism in my blood...
oremgirl
Re: Hey. I think I am finally recovered. For real.
Good news! I am happy to read about your experience. This board is making an incredible difference in my ex-mo experience. It has been 28 years since I left the church but I have been alone in my leaving since then. I discovered this board in the summer of 2013, and now I can finally come to peace and resolution in regard to my leaving. It is powerful to realize I am Not Alone.
kc
Re: Hey. I think I am finally recovered. For real.
Dave the Atheist~
it is really for real. Funny thing, for a long time I had some sort of anxiety or uneasiness about leaving the church, every single day. Then it seemed I forgot to be worried some days... and more and more days just seemed normal. I'd only really stop and think about it when I had coffee, or went out to eat on Sunday, or drove past the temple, or when the kids brought it up. Then over time, those thoughts and anxiety and stress got smaller and more infrequent, until the only time I really thought about the church was during General Conference. I always remembered on GC weekend. A couple years ago, I remember the first time I FORGET it was General Conference month! When I realized that, I was so happy! Like the church was finally leaving my brain. And now? I was sitting here bored and trying to think of things to read online, went to my old bookmarks and there were all these mormon and anti sites. And I realized... I have zero thoughts about mormonism anymore, unless someone else brings it up. And the emotion, the anxiety, the hurt and fear are completely gone. Gone! Time, I think, healed everything. I am so thankful and happy.
Life IS GOOD! And it is so, so worth doing the right thing, even if it hurts for awhile and aches for years, I am telling you all that it feels really great to be free.
FredOi
Re: Hey. I think I am finally recovered. For real.
Your children are never going to be his new wife's property. Period
myantonia
Re: Hey. I think I am finally recovered. For real.
Thank you for this uplifting post, kc! I hope my oldest step-son, a convert at 15, will some day be free like you :0
Oh! And your words here make me think of this 90s song; it's indeed good to be free & your words sound like you wanna fly!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUtnwcv-quE
kc
Re: Hey. I think I am finally recovered. For real.
Fred~
oh I know that now. That is part of how I know I am REALLY recovered. 1) I don't care who is sealed to whom, because it isn't real. Even though I "knew" it wasn't real a few years ago, it still bothered me emotionally. I was not recovered. It truly has no effect on me now. And, 2) some of them are banding together all excited to baptize a staunch atheist friend of mine who recently passed. This would have made me irate a couple years ago. Now, I shrug, I know it is their way of coping with the loss and it is truly meaningless, so it doesn't bother me.
That is a huge, HUGE change from a couple of years ago.
"Recovery from Mormonism - www.exmormon.org"