Does the anger ever end????
wendybird Mar. 2013
I resigned from the church over 8 years ago and thought I had resolved most things and moved on. Lately my rage has returned towards the Mormon faith and all Mormons in general. My daughter has turned 16 and has a full and normal life free of the Mormon machine. I look at her and see how much the church stole and destroyed my youth.
I was the perfect mormon teen drone. I was so anxiety ridden and obsessed with being perfect. My parents were overly critical and verbally abusive.... I was never good enough or perfect enough.. ever. I am a semenary grad, BYU grad, was a virgin when I got married... etc. I lost my whole youth to the church and I cannot stop being angry and grieving the loss.
I have been through counseling. I thought of going back but my counselor has since retired. I am relunctant to get a new counselor due to living in hippie counselor heaven. My husband is a successful executive and I do not need to be judged negatively because of our financial status. It feels very much like being judged by Mormons.
Any advice out there from someone who has been through this... does it end... how long will this intense anger last.... Wendybird
donbagley
Re: Does the anger ever end????
I lost my childhood to Mormonism and cruel parents. I can never get that back. So I have anger issues, too. I guess it's like living with scars. One feels somehow disfigured.
Just tell yourself you damned well deserve to be angry, and some of the rage will ease. Own your rage, and use it to bring an end to the curse of LDS. I like that you saved your daughter. Be proud of that.
minnie
Re: Does the anger ever end????
I understand, I wish I'd figured all this out years ago. Sometimes it makes me sick to think about it.
If I could just get my family out I think I'd do much etter. All I can do is keep asking thoughtful questions and hope they don't turn their brains off.
flyindoc
Re: Does the anger ever end????
It resurfaces. I just read Bill Hickmen's biography and developed the conclusion the bring-them-young and Orson should-hide were real s__t tarts.
blueorchid
Re: Does the anger ever end????
Anger never ends. You can harness it,bridle it and saddle it. You can lock it in stall or ride it a full gallop until you have worn it out, but it will rear up again, sometime, somewhere.
Hopefully the person carrying the anger becomes adept at training it for their own purposes. It takes time and patience to train things like puppies, parrots and buckets of rage.
Do not think of anger as a negative. It has its uses. The important thing is to not let it use you.
Tupperwhere
Re: Does the anger ever end????
I wasn't angry until I moved back to Utah after living out of state for many years. And the only reason I'm mad is because I've dealt with many @sshole "priesthood" holders at work and around town. I just can't stand the arrogance. I thought I had left TSCC behind, but living here again has surfaced many messed up memories and resentments. In general, I'm a really nice and happy person, but I CANNOT tolerate Mormons at all. Especially because of the way they have treated my kids since moving back. My kids may as well have the black plague. They are shunned and left out of pretty much everything. As soon as I'm done with school, I'm outta here. I don't have time to be angry but this state encourages it with it's f@cked up policies.
wendybird
Re: Does the anger ever end????
My daughter is getting ready for prom. We just bought her a beautiful strapless dress. I should just be happy for her but part of me is having my face rubbed in just how different my childhood would have been free of the church. I feel like I was emotionally raped... I will grieve the loss and wait for this to pass......
I felt like I was over it, guess the anger will come and go as life goes on.
CO2
Re: Does the anger ever end????
My experience has been that it's a lot like the stages of grief and each person will handle those stages differently. Just like you never really "get over" the death of a loved one, the pain can lessen with time. I think counseling will really help some people.
As for my own experience, at times I couldn't care less about what people believe or what the corporation is up to at the moment. Other times, I am frustrated and angry for the perpetuation of delusional thinking and self-deception.
When my daughter was married in the temple some time ago, and I could not attend, it reopened wounds that I thought had been healed up for some time.
I hope you're able to come to some level of peace. Unresolved anger can lead to bitterness. Not healthy for a long term state of mind.
sonoma
Re: Does the anger ever end????
hey wendybird, don't despair. i left the church 25 years ago. was ok for years, and then the cult decided to play politics with my rights in the free state of california. all sorts of pain came flooding back. rfm was here to help.
same again when mittens threatened to take the cult to the white house.it help that he got his ass kicked. it helped even more that the cult obviously was "inspired" that he was gonna win! lol
untarded
Re: Does the anger ever end????
"One feels somehow disfigured."
I can't think of a better discription for an adult victim of childhood Mormonism.
wendybird
Re: Does the anger ever end????
I was so relieved when he did not win..... all I could think of was four years of General Conference every time he opened his mouth :)
anagrammy
Re: Does the anger ever end????
Anger at Mormonism is a lot like pus.
It's a perfectly normal response and we feel better when we drain it. Some people accomplish this through venting here at RfM. Others talk to a friend, another exmo, or a therapist.
I didn't have those options and so I followed the advice given by Julia Cameron in "The Artist's Way." I poured out my anger on morning pages before starting work every day. It cleared me to be more focused and creative at work. I repeated myself, sometimes I cried, sometimes I felt flushed with the injustice. I was very angry with some of my children, my sister, the Mormon church, the board of directors, etc.
After writing in the old comp book, when it was filled up I burned it. It was not for human consumption, believe me. I visualized my anger in the smoke, ascending upwards away from me. This really helped me.
That was in 2005 or so. Now I look back on it and what has happened to those injustices. My sister was mad because our mother left the vacation cabin to me alone, so she sued me to prevent us using it while mother was still alive. She won. I had offered to settle and my offer included splitting the proceeds with her when it was sold after mom's death. She would have received almost $70,000. As it turned out, the judge also awarded me the entire balance of her estate since I was denied the enjoyment of it (out of spite) yet had to shoulder the expenses of upkeep.
My youngest daughter who (in my view) stopped speaking to me for three years is now the daughter I am closest to. She lives around the corner and we share many interests. She says she just needed that time to differentiate herself because I have such a strong personality !! I assumed she hated me because I was so authoritarian while raising my children.
The board member who accused me of theft from the thrift store I started and actually came to my home and took my garden tools down to the store turned out to have Alzheimers and was relieved of his position. His wife later apologized to me profusely.
In the long haul, over time, I believe that karma is at work--not in a reincarnation way, but in this life. People get what they deserve and even those who seem to be prospering (like apostles for example), have a hidden life of suffering.
Life does teach us all the same lessons-- one of the main one is the Serenity Prayer and it applies to Mormon anger:
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."
You can do nothing about LDS, Inc except to be the wonderful, happy, fulfilled independent apostate adult and show every Mormon you meet that you are still you, still kind, not a prostitute or a drunk, and YOU ARE HAPPIER.
Sometimes that takes some work to get there.
Best of luck
Anagrammy
SusieQ#1
Re: Does the anger ever end????
I don't have much anger, ever. Frustration, yes.
Lots of things contributed to how little anger I ever felt over leaving the LDS Church. I was an adult convert, I had a completely different perspective going in.
My anger, over the years in the LDS Church was over the behaviors of people who ought to know better that took it out on me. (I had not yet learned the principle of: Do not take anything personally. And, let go of what you can't control.)
I get angry from time to time. But it's very rare, now days. I know that it's a negative emotion that is detrimental to me on many levels- it's OK to feel the emotion, then to get out of it quickly as it's self-sabotage--as all negative emotions. Sure, I'm human, I am going to be responsive to what others do, however, the less I allow negative emotions to influence my thinking, the better life is.
The more productive choice, I have learned, is to detach from other people's negativity/drama/outbursts/ and not let it influence my thinking and my life.
I have never had any concern about "recovery" as some called it, probably because I was in my late 50's and was a convert earlier in my life.
My attitude was governed by: I changed my mind, and went about an Exit Process from Mormonism, deleting and rewriting all those automatic thinking scripts that ran in my head. It was about looking forward, not back. Living today and letting the past go... I don't live there anyhow.
It was about creating a new World View and allowing that to evolve. And, the most important part for me in that process: let it all go, forgive everyone everything and live with an attitude of gratitude. It was about taking my power back and owning it and not giving it away to anyone.
I never have understood nor internalized any religion or belief that I subscribed to or accepted at different times of my life as detrimental to me, delusional, etc. It's religion. It is what it is. It's the same pattern throughout human history.
I tend to "think funny" so when I realized how Joseph Smith Jr had created his own religion and how people generations later still believe his supernatural, metaphysical visionary claims, it struck my funny bone. I giggled. Then I laughed and laughed and laughed. For days! OH MY GOSH. He got away with it! And it's still working.
I've also developed a very thick skin (thanks to Mormonism and my experience in the work place). The result: it's nearly impossible to offend me, or "make" me mad, or force me to "take" offense. Simply put: I refuse to give anyone that kind of power over me.
The result of living with an attitude of gratitude and thankfulness is amazing. I recommend it highly. Find the good, ignore the bad, and find the joy and freedom and happiness.
ahh..how sweet it is!
Mr. Neutron
Re: Does the anger ever end????
I was disappointed that he didn't win, only because it would have given me the opportunity to talk to people about having grown up in the church. It was a great ice breaker for me, and now it's gone.
Keep callin' him Mittens, though. :)
nofear
Re: Does the anger ever end????
For me, the intense anger was short lived. I still experience mild anger from time to time, particularly when I remember how much tithing I paid. During those times, I try to remember how glad I am to know the real truth now, how much of my hard-earned money I've saved from TSCC [this so called church], and to look forward to the future without the albatross of TSCC beliefs.
To think I truly thought beer, wine, coffee and liquor was evil.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/19/2013 08:21PM by nofear.
wendybird
Re: Does the anger ever end????
8 years ago, I burned my personal progress book, my journal I was forced to keep as a teen detailing how I would be a good mormon for life,and my triple combination well marked through sememary and BYU..... and yes it was very liberating and cleansing I would recommend this to anyone.
Pyewacket
Re: Does the anger ever end????
I left about 30 years ago (cheezus!! How did I get so old?!?) and was angry for a long time.
I let it go for about 20 years until my family brought up all that anger again recently in one concentrated day and I blasted them with 'YOU'RE DEAD TO ME!!'
The shame I felt for allowing myself to get that angry again lead me here and I've been reminded of how crazy the culture of TSCC is AND how lucky I am to be out of it. I've forgiven myself- I deserve it. They're caught up in a crazy culture and it's not my fault that I ad to (finally) stand up and save myself from the false 'love' and call them out for their bull-(poop).
Everyone here reminds me with every post how insidious TSSC is.
I keep saying 2013 is the year of being brave: you all prove it every day! With every post!
So, in short (Too Late!!): yes the anger 'ends' - but it only takes that one (or 5) special triggers to bring it all right back into your face.
'thank you, cult upbringing... Well played'
spwdone
Re: Does the anger ever end????
"One feels somehow disfigured."
I can't think of a better discription for an adult victim of childhood Mormonism.
I agree with both of you. However, the answer for me is yes, mostly.
Most of my life was spent being twisted by Mo-ism. I regret it and wish it had been different, yes, but it wasn't. I was furiously angry for years and I'd be lying if I said I don't still have moments of anger at times, I probably always will.
For the most part, though, I've learned to let it go because the anger was making me a darker, nastier person that I didn't want to be.
Mormonism is my past, I can't change that. Many of my family members are still pathetically devoted to TSCC, which makes me sad. I can't change them and I can't change my past. What I can do is learn from it, try to understand what in me made me stick with it long after I should have and move forward to the best of my ability. Sometimes this means being snarky, sometimes it's finding the humor in TSCC. Sometimes it involves talking, telling stories, sharing with friends and family who get it. Sometimes it's in being angry, but not as much. I've found being here on Rfm helps, for the support and seeing people in various stages of recovery.
One of the good things in my life is like yours, wendybird. My children have grown up without the poison of Mo-ism in their lives. This is definitely something to celebrate!
laurel
Re: Does the anger ever end????
I don't think anger ever ends. Sometimes I am totally furious. Most of the time I am just sad for the smart people I know who are being totally stupid. I have friends who have been "obeying" their idiot husbands for about 40 years.
spwdone
Re: Does the anger ever end????
Me too, laurel. I've been out for just over 12 years now and the fact that my extraordinarily intelligent, accomplished and masters-degree holding sister has bought into this and is totally sublimating her life and all the goals she used to have to fit this ideal and submit to her (sorry, but pathetic as(*#le husband) makes me incredibly sad all the time.
Same for other women I know who are pretty amazing, but doing nothing and sublimating their very selves.
too much joy
Re: Does the anger ever end????
My TBM upbringing was just like yours, and I never rebelled. My family--especially one older brother--was physically abusive as well as verbally abusive. It was always my fault, and not theirs.
Unfortunately, I continued on into college at BYU, and got married in the temple to a chosen returned missionary whose chose relative was in important GA. My new husband beat me, and put me into the hospital. I finally gathered up all the strength I had, and decided that I wanted to live, and the only way to survive was to get a divorce. The divorce was uncontested, on the grounds of extreme physical cruelty, but the @#!!#* Mormon cult would not give me a temple divorce. The creep and his GA family said they still owned me and my children, whom I had several years later with my second husband.
This divorce situation fueled my hatred for many years, until I finally formally resigned. I wrote everything down in our resignation letter. My children resigned with me.
Still, My anger flares up, when I hear of yet another travesty, another lie, another scam perpetrated by the evil cult.
I did a lot of ranting and raving!
You and I are lucky that our children are out. We are also lucky that we are in a good place, financially. My advice to you is to live in the moment. Concentrate on all the good things in your life. Have fun. You DESERVE a happy rest-of-your life!
A psychiatrist helped me a great deal! I have PTSD. You ought to be checked, too. You might have mild depression, or anxiety. We don't go through a lifetime in a cult unscathed. Yes, I feel "disfigured", even though I'm quite healthy.
There is a reason there is a "recovery from Mormonism" board. RFT has helped me a great deal. Keep on posting here. You are not alone.
goatsgotohell
Re: Does the anger ever end????
Susie Q - Like you I'm a convert. TBM for 15+ years, temple marriage, bunch of kids. Like you I feel some frustration, find a lot of humor, and the anger is there at times but not consuming. On the other hand, spouse is BIC TBM, now exmo. Totally different experience. He didn't choose the church, it chose him and dictated all the choices he made up until he discovered it was false. His anger is off the charts. He can only believe that if he was raised differently, he would have made choices based on his needs, wants, desires instead of what "a good mormon" would choose.
My experience leads me to believe that converts have their own difficulty in accepting responsibility for their choices and BIC members some different difficulties - they do have to look at their own choices, but they also have to deal with the anger at the people in their lives that filled their minds with this crap, for the conditional love they still feel from their family members. I think both have their issues: some shared and others different. My situation is that my BIC spouse's anger is much deeper and more personally crippling.
wendybird
Re: Does the anger ever end????
I too suffered from clinical anxiety, was treated for it by a psychiatric nurse. Took medication for many years. It is amazing how the cult scars us.
I have been on this board before, and used it during my initial break with the church 8 years ago. I am back to get some support with this overwhelming anger that has re-emerged and taken me by surprise.
robertb
Re: Does the anger ever end????
I was angry for a number of years--and I still become angry now and then. What has changed is I am not so globally angry--not everything about Mormonism sets me off anymore. I become angry about specific issues. I am much better at identifying what it is specifically that angers me and articulating it clearly for myself. That was a good change, since being angry a lot is tiring.
It also helped me a lot to create a life apart from Mormonism. I am less angry because Mormonism is a lot less relevent to my life. Of course, if you have a LDS family, if you live in Utah, etc., that is harder to do than if you don't. So, discovering and pursuing new interests helps a lot.
But I do still get very angry with the Mormon Church now and then. They are an organization that will piss you off and being pissed off is the right response to a lot of what they do.
lucky
Re: Does the anger ever end????
wendybird Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> My daughter is getting ready for prom. We just
> bought her a beautiful strapless dress. I should
> just be happy for her but part of me is having my
> face rubbed in just how different my childhood
> would have been free of the church.
> I feel like I
> was emotionally raped...
This is largely due to the fact that YOU WERE
EMOTIONALLY RAPED !
You have anger, because you want to. Its your preference to being a MORmON. Its your own way of hedging yourself against being emotionally raped again. its your emotional insurance
policy to make sure that you don't go back for more emotional exploitation. rejoice in the fact that you finally have enough sense and personal self esteem to feel this way.
Pyewacket
Re: Does the anger ever end????
Excellent points!!
"Recovery from Mormonism - www.exmormon.org"