Shock, horror, relief, excitement?
sherlock Nov. 2012
Describe the very moment you realized that the LDS [Mormon] church wasn't true.
For me - I inadvertently discovered this and other sites and spent hours reading about the BoA, multiple first vision accounts, JS polyandry etc.
At first I was a little sceptical but the more I read, I realised this wasn't the usual anti-Mormon rhetoric that I'd seen before, this was stuff that was from verifiable church sources and that had been purposely hidden from me. The undeniable weight of evidence quickly caused my shelf to well and truly come crashing down.
For me it was mostly shock and absolute horror. I just couldn't believe that I'd been duped for so many years. I was so well and truly brainwashed that even despite my various typical niggles & questions about the church, it had never once occurred to me that it wasn't true.
As it started to quickly sink in, I read and read and read. I literally couldn't get enough information. Eating and sleeping became an unwanted distraction (sound familiar?!). Wow, I will never forget those feelings over 2 years ago.
How was it for you?
Tupperwhere
Re: Shock, horror, relief, excitement? Describe the very moment you realised....
I sat in my car and cried the first time. Then I felt sick to my stomach for several months. It was horrible.
amos2
It's a sense that it-was-right-there-all-along
Being fully indoctrinated was simply a mechanism for not noticing obvious clues.
You go years under the spell.
The clues are there all along.
You just need something to happen to make you notice them.
I never saw any "anti" argument before my testimony cracked.
It cracked based on the internal paradoxes of the gospel.
It isn't internally consistent. It contradicts itself. It forces you to hold contradicting beliefs. Eventually when contradicting beliefs face off, I had to face it.
I just suddenly saw it...a litter of clues I'd mostly ignored but were there all along.
It was self-evident.
The church was wrong. The Book of Mormon was wrong and therefore, by definition, a fake. That makes Joseph Smith a fake. That makes the priesthood fake. That makes all the claims of authority and revelation in the church fake.
Then I saw that all religion is propped up by the same false premises and logic. Without the safety net of "knowing" there must be a god, it became even more obvious that Mormonism was just piggybacking on a larger phenomenon...the Minnow tied to the Titanic.
It's so obviously fake now that I no longer need esoteric arguments like the Book of Abraham, JoD, Spalding, polygamy, etc., all the usual "anti" stuff.
One look at what mormonism freely advertizes proves it's fake to me now.
kolobian
Re: Shock, horror, relief, excitement? Describe the very moment you realised....
For me, it all happened at once. Kolobianism, theism, deism, political affiliations, nationalism, quasi-racism, all dissolved away into the ether in one moment.
For a financially independent kid in his early 20s it was like winning the powerball. No, much better than that. It was like becoming lucid in the middle of a terrible nightmare and, knowing I was dreaming, deciding to fly away.
I still haven't touched back down to earth and I doubt I ever will.
toto
Re: Shock, horror, relief, excitement? Describe the very moment you realised....
I was in bed and couldn't sleep the rest of the night because I was horrified at the thought that the church might not be true. Joy set in and then relief when my husband felt the same way. But when I actually left, I fell into depression. Since reaching the other side, I feel human. I don't feel constrained to show only a happy emotion because I'm in the church; I feel what I need to depending on the situation yet mostly, I'm genuinely happy not fakey happy for outer appearances' sake.
Stray Mutt
Huge relief.
Trying to be a good Mormon was a soul crushing slide into self-loathing compounded by my aversion to living the standard-issue LDS husband-father role. "Marriage? Kids? Do I have to?"
albertasaurus
Re: Shock, horror, relief, excitement? Describe the very moment you realised....
All I knew was that the gospel that should be making me happy wasn't. One day I felt "inspired" (same feeling I've felt receiving any other "inspiration") to go to google and type "why I left the mormon church". I did it expecting to find the usual about how someone just couldn't cut it, or had been offended, etc. I was shocked to find a letter someone had written to his family and friends that contained legitimate doctrinal concerns. The two biggest for me were the BoA and JS's diddling. I was shocked, angry, hurt and afraid. But I checked the sources and quickly came to the conclusion that Joseph Smith was nothing but a shyster and his church was false. It wasn't long after that that I realized I had gone from full fledged TBM to hardened atheist. At first it sucked but now a few months later I am far more comfortable with it and wish I would have found this out earlier.
citizen not logged in
Re: Shock, horror, relief, excitement? Describe the very moment you realised....
horror as in the horror of 1984, Brave New World, Animal Farm, We, etc.
Rob
Re: Shock, horror, relief, excitement? Describe the very moment you realised....
Relief and clarity.
I had just been released from my Stake missionary calling and not given a new one yet. I was sitting in the lobby watching another ward finish their service and the thought hit me...
"I don't have to be here."
Instead of feeling guilt like I had for so many years, I felt relieved. A huge weight lifted and I walked out never to return.
Finding this site took awhile as I hadn't heard the term 'ex-mormon' before and I didn't consider myself 'anti'. Once I did, and realized I wasn't alone I felt excited and began to read up on as much church history and apologist material as I could stomach.
The folks here were way more helpful and encouraging than the apologist board. Over there I felt like I was being attacked for questioning, that there had to be something wrong with me, not their system.
stbleaving
Re: Shock, horror, relief, excitement? Describe the very moment you realised....
I was horrified and shocked. Since I had not gone looking for information (it was thrown in my face), I felt almost violated. But I had to check up on it, which I did by reading the pre-1920s versions of the D & C. After seeing the evidence in the church's own materials right before my very eyes, I sobbed for hours, then went into a depression for several weeks.
That was about eight months ago. Thanks in large part to RfM, I'm much better now.
Itzpapalotl
Re: Shock, horror, relief, excitement? Describe the very moment you realised....
Relief, disgust, then anger.
Similar to Rob, I thought, "Wow, I don't have to do this anymore...And now I'm free to do what *I* want."
kimball
Shock, followed by horror, followed by relief, followed by excitement
Brethren,adieu
Re: Shock, horror, relief, excitement? Describe the very moment you realised....
I felt relief and anger. Relief because I realized that there was a good reason behind all the nagging doubts I had about the Book of Mormon. There is something cathartic about finally making the decision that it simply wasn't true. The decision releases all the cognitive dissonance.
Anger because I still gave the church my money and time, even though I really didn't believe in it all along. I let them dupe me.
PapaKen
Re: Shock, horror, relief, excitement? Describe the very moment you realised....
I can still recall the moment when the "Mantle of Lies" was lifted from my shoulders. And I realized in at least an initial way that I was not going to be condemned for being gay.
MAJOR.... MAJOR.....RELIEF!!!!!!
just a thought
Re: Shock, horror, relief, excitement? Describe the very moment you realised....
Big time relief that slowly turned to anger.
The whole thing is such a fraud. Golden plates my ass.
rainwriter
Re: Shock, horror, relief, excitement? Describe the very moment you realised....
I felt so confused, wondering how the church was defining "truth," and even more confused at how all of the very intelligent, compassionate, and good people that I know could believe in the church. I felt a bit cheated and let down that those adults who I trusted because of their goodness (yes, genuine good people), who helped me feel like it was okay and good for me to believe because they did and they wouldn't get it wrong. I wondered and still do a bit how they can believe when they clearly have the ability to understand that it's not true.
I also felt a bit relieved once I realized that I didn't have to reconcile my "good for humanity" beliefs with the differing ones of the church. I had been struggling trying to understand what made the church's view on a lot of things right (aside from "God said it's right,") when it is so clearly wrong; I felt like I was being a bad human to take the church's stance and a bad member of the church to take the humanity stance, and it was a relief to have that burden lifted.
rainwriter
Re: Shock, horror, relief, excitement? Describe the very moment you realised....
What's in the pre 1920s D&C?
rainwriter
Re: Shock, horror, relief, excitement? Describe the very moment you realised....
My supposedly tbm husband and I were talking about Animal Farm briefly this morning and now I've been thinking of parallels all day.
bc
Re: Shock, horror, relief, excitement? Describe the very moment you realised....
For me it was a slow burn over many years.
However in the end when I was completely sure I no longer believed it was primarily a relief.
Mia
Re: Shock, horror, relief, excitement? Describe the very moment you realised....
The realization hit me all at once. My mind and body felt almost exactly the same as it did the day I found my exhusbands stash of love letters from his girlfriend.
The sudden reality i'd been living a lie. That i'd been betrayed. That i'd been persecuted and suffered at the hands of Mormonism, all while they were betraying me.
Hurt, rage, disgust, all swept through me simultaneously. I had to know more, and I had to know it NOW!
The reading binge began. I became less angry, and more disgusted. The amount of lying that's going on is incredible. The lie is so huge, and so over the top, it's difficult to believe someone could carry that off. But they have, and they do.
stbleaving
Re: Shock, horror, relief, excitement? Describe the very moment you realised....
The Journal of Discourses is there (in some form), complete with its conflicting theologies of the Godhead. Basically, it negates the First Vision story (and the FV is problematic anyway because of the various versions).
I was a lifelong member and had no clue that the Journal of Discourses used to be part of the scriptures. This fact has been extremely well suppressed, at least for TBMs who don't go looking for this information.
rainwriter
Re: Shock, horror, relief, excitement? Describe the very moment you realised....
Ooo! I knew of the problems with the JoD, but I didn't know that it used to be part of the canonized scripture. Awesome!
deconverted2010
Re: Shock, horror, relief, excitement? Describe the very moment you realised....
I was shocked when I first realized that the church could not only be true but that it would quietly change things to deceive members. I had already been reading like crazy for two months but continued more. I was shocked and then really sad to know I couldn't be part of the church. I was happy in my calling and ward then, except I was a bit mad for all the cleaning assignments for our ward.
On the main page of this site, there is the archived post:
Nov. 2007 – Book of Mormon Change: Lamanites are no longer the principal ancestors of the American Indians.
http://www.exmormon.org/mormon/mormon492.htm
I read the post and the following reply made me click on the link:
Subject: The online version still says "principle ancestors"...I just copied it for posterity...link
Date: Nov 07 23:50
Author: JW the Inquizzinator
--http://scriptures.lds.org/en/bm/introduction
The post is from 2007, by the time I read it, it was 2010 and the changes had already taken place. I knew then that the church does quietly deceives, it was like catching someone you've trusted all your life in a big lie they have purposely perpetuated to control and manipulate you.
nickname
Re: Huge relief.
+1
I felt like an incredible weight was lifted off my shoulders. Mormonism is such a crushing burden! All the expectations, the guilt, the pigeonholing of personalities into a "one size fits all" lifestyle were really choking the life out of my me and I'd never even noticed until I gave it all up.
The first thing I remember was the guilt just being swept away. I had never been a "perfect" Mormon, like my parents and leaders always expected me to be. I was a lousy missionary (mostly because I'm shy, but also because I was just lazy). I had always hated going to church, because I thought it was interminably boring. I didn't like the temple, I thought it was weird and cultish. And the TBMs in my life (especially myself!) had been heaping up piles of guilt on me. I was buried in guilt! When I realized their church was false, all that guilt just immediately evaporated! It was wonderful!
shannon
I felt fear when I figured out the church was a lie . . .
Pure, unadulterated FEAR.
I didn't know how I was going to get out. I was a convert of almost 20 years. I married into an uber-Mormon Royalty family. I felt trapped and absolutely terrified. I was raising a huge famiy of kids in the "Gospel." I felt so stuck.
And I was mad at myself for getting into such an overwhelming situation. I mean, I had college degrees (yes, plural). I'd had a career before marriage. How could it be that I wasn't smart enough or savvy enough to see through the lies?
Yes, I drank the Kool-Aid. I had buried myself deep, deep into the bowels of Mormonism. I was so far under, I didn't know how to get out. I felt sheer panic.
I tried to talk to my Catholic family members to get some perspective. They all just told me to "walk away." They didn't understand. No one just "walks away" from the Mormon church! What if it's *really* true after all and I leave? Then I lose my family for eternity and wind up somewhere in outer darkness for denying the Holy Ghost.
I secretly lurked for a year on this board before I was able to get brave enough to share my doubts with family members and my Bishop. It was a long road leaving the church. The primary emotion I felt the whole time was fear. Just pure FEAR.
I guess I was sufficiently brainwashed.
;o)
Ihidmyself
A TBM friend
I grew up having serious doubts about the BofM but always did everything I was supposed to do and assumed my doubts were a problem with me. When I turned 42 a friend said he didn't believe the BofM.
I went from "There's a problem with me!" to "It's all BS!" in the space of about 5 seconds. At 6 seconds my only thought was "What's the quickest way I can get myself, my wife, and three kids out of this loon convention?"
Ihidmyself
Great response Kolobian! I had a similar experience. EVERYTHING I had assumed was correct was now up for debate. nt
karin
Re: Shock, horror, relief, excitement? Describe the very moment you realised....
Angry and relieved that i didn't ever have to go back there again! i didn't like how some of the members-esp. males- were treating me but i thot that since it was true i had to take my kids there. So glad i was wrong!!
CA girl
Re: Shock, horror, relief, excitement? Describe the very moment you realised....
Outrage at first. I read about the First Vision and KNEW the church was lying. After that, it was all about discovering the extent of the lies. But I was shocked and outraged at being lied to.
At some point, it was just a relief though. Everything suddenly made sense. I'd spent the years after my mission and marriage and before my discovery, feeling like I was confused, frustrated, angry - like everything was wrong. Nothing about my life brought me the happiness the church promised it would, even though I was crucifying myself doing everything right. When I found out the church was just a pack of lies, everything made sense and that was a big weight off my shoulders. I was mad, sure, but mostly I was relieved to know I was right about feeling everything was wrong.
"Recovery from Mormonism - www.exmormon.org"