A Very Whacked Up Mormon Fast and Testimony Meeting (one naughty word)
by imalive
"My bishop got up and emphasized how God loves ALL his children, including the Jews, Christians, and yes, even the Muslims. BUT--we have more to offer because we are the true church on the face of the earth"
Or slow and testifunky meeting I should say. I swear, it seems like all the members of the looney bin came out in one swoop that I didn't even know existed!!! And I am outside of the MorCor.
#1: A woman got up to say she went to visit her nonmember mom in another state for Christmas. Said woman went to her mom's church. She was entertained by a rap sermon, guitar music and candle waving, BUT SHE DIDN'T FEEL THE SPIRIT. Oh the poor TBM! So her mom returned the favor and attended a sacrament meeting by TSCC and rightly said that it was boring (oh so true). But no, the testifying woman testifunkied that TSCC meetings were nice and quiet and she could feel the spirit. Hhmmm, she sure must be deaf to all the screaming kids.
#2: (Cultural observation here) A guy got up and said he spent his holidays seeing his parents and siblings in Yewtawrer. I shook my head and even had to ask my dear son if I heard right. Yup, I had.
#3: Later came along the Primary chorister. She just LOVED the music in Primary. Oh, the music just came alive when the kids sang and it made her so happy. Then she rhapsodized about how wonderful dear Nephi was since the Book of Moron is being studied in SS this year (count me out of that).
#4: My bishop got up and emphasized how God loves ALL his children, including the Jews, Christians, and yes, even the Muslims. BUT--we have more to offer because we are the twoo church on the face of the earth. FACEPALM!
#5: The last person to testify was an older gentlemen who's a few bricks shy of a load, but he's nice. He mentioned how he was at a local convenience store. Someone mentioned Nevada, and he solemnly intoned, "I went to Nevada. That's why I came back". Eh, WHAT THE FUCK? Even my bishop looked at the guy like he'd lost a few marbles. I just nodded and smiled while trying my best to not burst out laughing.
Wow, that has got to be the most memorable F & T I've ever attended in my ward, ROTFLMFAO.
onlyme
Re: A Very Whacked Up Fast and Testimony Meeting
I love crazy F&T meeting stories. The best one I ever experienced was at a small brach we stopped at while on vacation. A few people got up and spoke followed by uncomfortable silence for about 20 minutes. Then a woman stood up in the back and yelled out that if we didn't all have at least one thing in our lives to be thankful for then something's wrong. Then she sat back down without bearing her own testimony. Very odd and uncomfortable. I loved it!
guynoirprivateeye
Re: A Very Whacked Up Fast and Testimony Meeting
seems like... the repressed Preacher wanna bees are released from silence at F&TM, doesn't it?
bigred
Re: A Very Whacked Up Fast and Testimony Meeting
My fav was when my former bishops son got up in his own ward and 'came out' - with his wife and 4 kids in the congregation.
NeverMo in CA
Re: A Very Whacked Up Fast and Testimony Meeting
imalive Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
...My bishop got up and emphasized how God loves
ALL his children, including the Jews, Christians,
nd yes, even the Muslims...
Um...even "the Christians"? Don't most Mormons become extremely offended when others say they are not Christian? Why the distinction by the bishop?
motherwhoknows
Re: A Very Whacked Up Fast and Testimony Meeting
The bishop's son went to the podium and confessed that he had slept with someone, while he was on his mission. We were surprised to see him home early. He said that since he was a missionary "representing the entire ward," that he needed to go to the podium, confess his sin, and apologize to everyone in the ward. Was that ever uncomfortable! He left the cult right after that.
One university student used to bear his testimony every fast sunday, without fail. He used to sob and cry and confess that he was "unworthy and a sinner", though he never mentioned any specific sins. His sobbing and snorting was so extreme, that we could barely contain our laughter. He also left the church. He was seen around town, smoking a pipe. (Was that his horrible sin?)
polymath
Re: A Very Whacked Up Fast and Testimony Meeting
My family moved to a new ward when I was a teen. The first F&T we were there this kid about my age got up and talked about how he was saved from death and how he knew that god was watching over him. It was a really good story and we were all like "wow".
However, after we heard him tell a death-defying story every F&T meeting after that it wasn't so special anymore.
frankie
Re: A Very Whacked Up Fast and Testimony Meeting
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Is2rf-YbgzQ&feature=g-upl&context=G2c7d31...
the fast and testimonkey meeting at the church I took yesterday
frankie
Re: A Very Whacked Up Fast and Testimony Meeting
I was visiting a friend in utah, I live in staten island
dthenonreligious
Re: A Very Whacked Up Fast and Testimony Meeting
I forgot how boring church is. Thanks for reminding me.
rowan
Re: A Very Whacked Up Fast and Testimony Meeting
Setting:
Time: First Sunday in the mid 1960"s.
Place: A small gathering of maybe 10-15 people in a by-day one room library in a small NE Mississippi town.
The ones in the crowd that I remember consisted of :
A lady of about 65 and her mentally handicapped son of about 40 (both had snuff in the folds of skin around their lips). They were dipping and spitting in paper cups all through the meeting.
My mother, stepfather, myself (age 14) and 3 younger siblings. A sister of about 8, then a half-sister of 26 months and a half-brother of 16 months (yes, 10 months difference!) We had recently moved from Nashville to this area with my stepfather's job.
A fat lady of about 50, who painted her lips bright red, red lipstick smeared cheeks and powdered her face with white body powder (smelled like Cashmere Bouquet). Her hair was gray and wildly frizzy. She had penciled in very dramatic eyebrows with a black eyebrow pencil.
Visiting Priesthood holder and his wife from a local ward.
A very haggard man in overalls, who was constantly going in and out of the building. He just could not sit still. His 16 year old grandson.
Two missionaries.
Except for the visiting priesthood holder and his wife, the missionaries and my family...everyone else was blood related (maybe too much!)
In fast and testimony meeting, the visiting PH holder got up to give his testimony. In it he stated that the Holy Ghost made him so happy that he wanted to commit adultery! This man was known for sometimes using the "wrong" word when he meant something else entirely!
The woman with the "painted face" had been rocking back and forth on her metal folding chair fanning herself with one of those cardboard fans like funeral homes use to give out as advertisements. She got so carried away by that testimony that she hollered out, "Sa-weet Ga-ee-sus!" and she rocked back too hard and fell over backwards...showing that she was not wearing any underwear!
This upset the retarded man (the woman was his aunt) and he began screaming in gibberish and hitting himself in the head with both of his hands and pulling at his hair while running around the room knocking books from the shelves and throwing them on the floor!
All the commotion set off my half-sister and half-brother into screaming and crying in terror. My mother (who was the oldest daughter of a Bishop) was glued to her seat with her mouth wide open and her eyes like huge saucers seemingly in some sort of "frozen" state of disbelief!
The man in the overalls came running back into the building and he and my stepfather tried to calm down the hysterical man while the visiting priesthood holder and his wife assisted the "underwearless" painted woman back into her chair. Mother, suddenly "came to herself" and grabbed up her still-screaming and wailing "babies" and through clinched teeth hissed at my sister and myself, "Get to the car!" We hurriedly exited the building and waited for my stepfather, who soon followed.
I don't remember what the missionaries did during this chaos. I do remember that one of them was from Utah and the other was from some other "western" state.
For some time after that we had our own Sunday meeting in our home...just our family. Mother played her piano...Welcome, Welcome Sabbath Morning was the song she played the best! We read scriptures and had prayer. About an hour every Sunday.
About 6 months later, we started making the nearly 1 hour drive to the nearest Ward.
I don't know what happen to that small group of local "Mormons (????)", never saw any of them again.
Mother when she spoke of that incident, said that is what happens when "Mormons dwindle in disbelief". A lesson for us to remember so that we would never "dwindle".
no-mo-mo
Re: A Very Whacked Up Fast and Testimony Meeting
ROTFLMAO ... whatta story!
imalive
Re: A Very Whacked Up Fast and Testimony Meeting
How were you able to get away with recording that?
imalive
Re: A Very Whacked Up Fast and Testimony Meeting
Indeed. That is fascinating.
Brother Of Jerry
Now THIS needs to be an "And I'm a Mormon" ad!!!!! ROTFL
sonoma
That was AWESOME!! It has been almost 25 years since I attended a F&T Meeting.
It hasn't changed a bit, down to the Zombie-like tone of voice and delivery. Incredible. It was like time-travel. THANK GAWD I'm outta there!
And how about that guy at about 3 minutes. The logical thinker for whom the Church just makes perfect sense.To him Christianity has all sorts of "loopholes" that can't be explained, but the Mormon Church doesn't have loopholes, because they've all been "explained". I almost busted a gut.
frankie
Re: A Very Whacked Up Fast and Testimony Meeting
I hid my camera in my coat
frankie
Re: A Very Whacked Up Fast and Testimony Meeting
I was hoping for something juicy in the meeting, I had 26 minutes of this, then the last guy was literally flaming the fire or feeding the lion, it was fantastic
frankie
Re: A Very Whacked Up Fast and Testimony Meeting
I would loved to see that one!!!!!
andyb
Re: A Very Whacked Up Fast and Testimony Meeting
my only memories were in the non- A/C 10th Ave. chapel in Lethbridge on hot summer Sundays where the kids were bawlin' and the testimonies went on for friggin' ever....never bore mine once...never got around to readin' the BofM and getting ahold of one...my bad...
anon for this comment
Re: A Very Whacked Up Fast and Testimony Meeting
a guy in our ward thought he was the prophet. Always getting up and prophesying about the end of the world and how we were all going to end up in hell. would always end saying and even in the name of Js our holy and beloved lord and savior who died for us even on the cross.even until he was resurrected, even until he was seen my mary who was even his mother. in the name of JSC even our lord and savior.
guynoirprivateeye
Sorry, my best was sorta boring too...
Seattle First, mid-70s:
I guy who was (sorta) recently converted from JWism...
got up in F&T and 'testified' that he hadn't left behind ANY of the things that JWs taught him!
mic/PA power: OFF!
they let him go for a while (policy?) without the PA on, but as eyes were rolling in the audience...GET THE HOOK!
Memory fails me as to whether/not he ever returned...
forbiddencokedrinker
Re: A Very Whacked Up Fast and Testimony Meeting
If anyone ever plans on doing that one again, please have the courtesy of having a friend secretly record the event in order to share.
peregrine
Re: A Very Whacked Up Fast and Testimony Meeting
I remember one in the late 70s rather vividly. Our building janitor, a 65 year-old Marine and former drill sergeant took the stand. He began to berate the entire congregation for about 20 minutes about how dirty we let the building get. He told gross stories about the bathrooms and had visual aids in the form of hymnals what had been written in. I was only 10 or so but I was afraid for my life.
Exmogal
My personal favorite
My fav was in the early 90s, at the Monument Park (I think it was called) well to do singles ward where the joke was that admission was granted onlyy to those with an American Express Gold card...
Some idiot guy went up and made a very long, tedious and personal proposal to his fiancee in front of the congregation, including inviting her to the front, so he could place the engagement ring on her finger. He managed to do all of this without the Bishop cutting him off. Meanwhile, a row of about 10 single women walked out in protest. The guy was such a nutjob but mostly, I felt sorry for his fiancee.
Only in Utah!
forbiddencokedrinker
Re: A Very Whacked Up Fast and Testimony Meeting
That old Marine was a prophet. How else do you explain him knowing that it was the members duty to clean the chapel, decades before churchco decided to fire the janitorial staff?
foundoubt
Re: A Very Whacked Up Fast and Testimony Meeting
My first memory was in the local branch, mid 50's. We met in a former Episcopalian church. It was a very old, wooden, small building, complete with stained glass windows. across the street was the local fire station. We had three meetings back then. Priesthood was from 8-9, SS was from 10-12, and we came back for Sacrament meeting from 7-8 or 9, depending on the program. The speakers were always being interrupted by the wailing sirens as the fire trucks would go out on a call. One Sunday morning, we heard the sound of a car coming towards town down the street. He lost control and crashed into the telephone pole on the corner in front of the Firehouse. The horn just kept honking, like it was stuck. After about 3 to 4 minutes, it seemed a lot longer, the horn stopped honking. My brother leaned over to me and said; "The driver just fell away from the steering wheel." it was the funniest imagery I could imagine in a church setting. As you can imagine, I laughed loud, right after the horn stopped. I'm sure everyone thought I was cheering.
Joe Laban
Re: A Very Whacked Up Fast and Testimony Meeting
I call it the Slow and Testimony Meeting - nothing fast about it.
Does anyone when they see who gets up judge them immediately like this is one will be boring, talk too long, say something stupid, cry over something small,...
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