"You've changed"

by heather Dec 2011

I hear "you've changed" often enough to get me thinking about if I have actually changed or not.

I may have written about this before, but oh well.

Some parts of me are exactly the same as when I was a TBM. I fear the same things, I still enjoy the same hobbies, and I still have the same personality traits.

But after thinking about some changes I have made, aren't changes supposed to be good? I think life is a huge learning experience and taking each experience I've had and making changes to my life to better it- how can that be so harmful?

Maybe when someone changes (i.e. unbelieving) those who still believe feel threatened. So they see any change as negative. Mormonism keep people the same. They have the same beliefs from nursery through death. Its sad really.

So when someone says I've changed, I have in some ways- and that's just fine. Life is about change. I am still Heather, but I hope that with each year of freedom I can improve myself with change and make this life one HEll of a great ride.

Re: "You've changed"
heather Wrote:
> But after thinking about some changes I have made,
> aren't changes supposed to be good?

Exactly. I don't hear it much but I would take, "You haven't changed a bit." as a serious insult.

Re: "You've changed"
I had a Nevermo friend tell me, after I'd been out of the church a year, that I seemed "calmer." I would not have thought that. I mean I felt better, freer, more alive, less harassed...okay, calmer.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/09/2011 11:56AM by derrida.

"You haven't changed a bit" is fine if its talking about looks though. ;)
Other then that I agree with ya. =)

I hope I'm not the same person I was 5 years ago, and I don't want to be the same 5 years from now.

I just keep getting better lookin' 

Re: "You've changed"
You mean I no longer behave as if I'm in a controlled experiment being monitored by aliens from the star system Kolob?

You mean I no longer participate in a never-spoken-about competition between other mormons to see who was the most noble & great in the pre-mortal life?

Yeah, I guess you're right. I don't act like that anymore. Now I'm just me.

Re: "You've changed"
I hope I can post this word - it fits. It's not one I use a lot, but the thing is, if someone said to me, "You've changed", I'd say "HELL YES I've changed!! Woooooooot!!!!!!!" :)

Stray Mutt
Sort of depends on who says it, and how they say it.
And sometimes the change is only in the eye of the beholder. You leave the church and they instantly perceive you differently, even though nothing but your beliefs have changed. And, of course, any change that takes you away from the One True Church® is a "bad" change.

Re: "You've changed"
Except I would say, "You bet your sweet ass I've changed!"

Brother Of Jerry
As you are, I once was. As I am, you may become. Don't get discouraged, there's still hope. Luvya! :) 

If you're not changing and growing, you're dying.
There's really no two ways about it.

Depends on who is saying it
As you have said.

Many years ago my DH, drdad, shared his lack of belief with the bishop in a "confidential" (lollollollolsnort breathguffaw) tithing settlement.

He still went to church, but no one would call on him in class or invite him to pray. One sanctimonious old duffer tried some smarmy sincerity to say, "brother dad, are you alright? You look as if a light has gone out." The moment that guy opened his mouth drdad knew he was the talk of the ward leadership!

I raise my glass to change! And I forgive smarmy old duffers. Who we are is all we have sometimes, duffers and all.

Thanks, Brother of Jerry! I will definitely use this! 

Re: "You've changed"
I have changed, but so has the way others percieve me...

Things I've heard from friends and family over the last year:
"You seem so much happier now."
"You haven't gotten really sick in a long time."
"You're laugh a lot more."
"You seem more relaxed now."
"I've noticed that you have more confidence."

Intersting, TBMs have said "You seem sad now..." to which I responded "Well, my wife just divorced me." I'm sure they are still convinced my mood had nothing to do with my wife leaving me a few weeks earlier...

My response to that....
"No. I am just more vocal and not willing to be bowled over."

Or "I know! Isn't it great? (with a huge smile)"

Depends on my mood and how sarcastic I feel ;)


"Who doesn't?"

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/09/2011 01:03PM by searching27.

Good point. Who doesn't?
Maybe the best answer to "you've changed" would be:

Yes, line upon line. Precept upon precept. That's the idea, right?

Re: "You've changed"
It was my never-Mo sister who reminded me that, from my friends' points-of-view, they hadn't changed. I had.

It allowed me to have the patience to give them time to adjust and my few true friends trickled back again, once they realized I wasn't threatening.

There's no growth without change.
Most exmos grow in their self confidence, assertiveness, joy, authenticity, friendliness, honesty, and compassion.

Many TBMs tend to be stunted and can't grow or change much over the years.

Now that's a couplet worth teaching! 

Try to smile and say "THANK YOU!"
Because usually TBMs say that to imply that they liked the old you better and to make you feel bad.

Don't play along.

Re: "You've changed"
Translation: "We've changed the way we think of you."

Raptor Jesus
Next time respond:
"Your ass has changed."

And put some stank on it.

I agree, Cheryl
I have changed, I've grown.

Re: "You've changed"
Mormons are good at gas-lighting.

That "a light has gone out" comment is sick and mean! When I was a TBM, when I stopped going to Relief Society, I'd get comments like, "Are you all right?" "You look tired." My answer was, "I'm working in the Primary."

I hate the condescending, fake-pity, "How AAARRRRRRE you!" All the women in the ward said this, and my convert friend would answer, "I'm just fine--but what's wrong with you?"

I've been out in the workforce most of my life, and have worked in many different types of groups--study groups, PTA and other volunteer groups, country clubs--and in all my days, I have never met a ruder group of adults than my Salt Lake ward. (The wards outside of Utah weren't as bad.)

Re: "You've changed"
My old Mormon friends seem surprised that I look good and happy.

Many non Mormon friends and fans (I'm a musician) have commented that my music is more alive, emotional, passionate. ( and they say this not knowing what I've been through).

"Recovery from Mormonism - www.exmormon.org"