I got another email from the missionary, the original link to the first part can be found below. After the link I posted my response to his follow up email where he asked for advice and wanted to know why the exit process was so difficult.


http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,911994,911994#msg-911994


I told you that you could email me about anything and I meant that. I hope you are ok with me posting parts of our correspondence to the recovery board. Your journey could really help a lot of other people because while the details may be different, the process is very similar.

I'm glad that you are vetting the information I gave you on your own. That's very important that you do so. It will help you process all the terrible feelings that you're experiencing and will continue to experience. I'm sure that you've already realized that in spite of the lengthy email yesterday, I barely even scratched the surface.

The reasons for Mormonism being false are legion. But I want to talk about those awful feelings you are having right now. Just like the loss of a relationship, losing a religion that you have given so much of your time, money, and thoughts to triggers the "grieving process." I'm going to give you a little information about them, and then I'll give you advice about going home.

The grieving process is as follows:

1. Denial and Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

You may not go through these steps in order, you may not go through every step. You may find further information that starts the process over again. While it's not a fun process by any means, just know that you aren't alone in your feelings and that what you are feeling is completely normal. Being part of the recovery board means that you have many people pulling for and supporting you. Email me, post on the board, whatever you need through this process, people will be there to help you.

Let's talk about you coming home early. The best advice I can give is to tell you, "pick your battles." If you are only a few months away from coming home anyway, I want you to consider staying. You'll have enough battles you'll need to fight when you get home and go inactive. If you just can't take one more day out in the field because it's just far too painful and depressing, come home - but be ready to defend yourself. Coming home early means that you will be bombarded with stupid, hurtful statements from people with no sense of boundaries or decency.

Most people understand that religion is a subject only discussed with close friends because it's super personal. However, authoritarian religions teach that religion is everyone's business, and it's the job of the believers to keep the doubters in line through prying and emotional manipulation. It's valued for believers to confront doubters and "rebuke them."

I'm not sure where you live, but if you live in Utah - going home early will be social suicide. If that's what you chose to do, you need to be prepared for that. If you are in Northern Utah - there are already good exmormon groups that I can immediately set you up with. If you aren't in Utah - the recovery board is a great resource for your particular area. (And even if you are in Utah, the recovery board is a great resource.)

I'm not trying to dissuade you, I just want you to be as prepared as possible for whatever you chose. If you go home, you'll need to focus on getting away from home and living on your own as quickly as possible. That can be difficult depending on your situation, but it can be doable.

The last piece of advice I will give is that sometimes when someone finds out the information that Mormonism isn't true, they want to share it with everyone and become an exmormon missionary. I'll just remind you again to pick your battles. Most Mormons don't want to hear anything critical of their church, and your information will lead to a fight.

Because of your position, you are going to have a lot of battles already. So just keep in mind what you do with the information you are getting.

While you can share your new found information, or you can defend yourself when people push you, you don't OWE anybody anything. Your apostasy is your business and no one else'. You don't have to say a word to anyone if you don't want to. All of this is up to you now.

Good luck, and I meant what I said about the email thing. Anything you want to talk about - just send me whatever, whenever.

The next little while is going to suck - but it will be very good in the long run to leave Mormonism as young as you are. Mormonism pushes for life altering decisions (marriage and children) so young. It's a very insidious teaching because it affects so much of your life. So for you to leave before all this crap - you will be in a great place in the long run.

Such a great e-mail.

You're a good man, RJ.

The single best advice I can give a missionary seeking to complete their volunteer service "early", is to have a better opportunity (school, employment, etc.) lined-up ahead of time.

Doing so has so many advantages and helps avoid some of the disadvantages of social and psychological stigmas. To be able to slide into a new opportunity, explain (if needed) that your time and efforts are better applied going forward, and assert that you completed difficult volunteerism.

Last observation: personal questioning of beliefs, church veracity, missionary service, social relationships, sexuality (including "identity")--often take a while to sort-out. In the mean time, make a clear decision to leave, execute a plan, go forward, and sort out the messy stuff under (hopefully) better contexts.

Jamie

Good advice if you have only a couple months left. In fact, what you can do, is take a church paid vacation for those last two months. Don't do any work, and quietly sabotage any work that is thrust upon you.

Most of my companions on my mission were just looking for an excuse to not do anything, or to do something we were not supposed to do. Here is some reasoning to use, to get a reluctant companion to go along with reasonable activities.

"Look Elder, I know it is not our p-day, but we are just going to slip in and out of the mall very quickly. You need new shoes, and I heard there was a sale today. Where ever we go, we are the Lord's representative, and that means we are doing his work."

"Look Elder, I know it has been an hour, but the spirit is telling me we need to stay longer. I think Brother and Sister Brown are going through something, and we need to be here for them. It has nothing to do with their daughter being home from college. You think just because a girl is pretty, her parents don't need guidance?"

"I'm not doing any stupid missionary work today. I have been here for almost two years, and no one wants to listen to this stupid message. We are wasting our time. Now are you coming with me, or are you going to stay here and cry to the mission president like a big giant baby."

"Elder, where have you been? I have been looking every where for you for the past several hours. Why did you run off like that? I was about to call the mission president, but I didn't want you to get in trouble. What do you mean I smell like a strip club? What does that even mean? Do strip clubs have certain smells? I wouldn't know, I have never been inside of one."

If you have a long ways to go, it is better to just come home.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/03/2013 12:57PM by forbiddencokedrinker.