Posted by:
dogzilla
(
)
Date: February 21, 2012 10:22AM
ihavequestions Wrote:
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Thank you for being open-minded and looking outside the church for more information. I hope we are able to help you out. I am not married, so I have no advice to offer; I'm simply going to answer your questions best I can.
>
> Here are my questions:
>
> When did you start questioning the truthfulness of
> the Church? Was it a gradual realization or an
> event that led you to question?
In high school, I was abused when I was 15 by my priesthood-holding, temple-worthy, garment-wearing married stepbrother. When this was found out, my parents made me go to the bishop, who then convened a Bishop's Court, which disciplined me by putting me on probation. I was released from my MIA Maid calling and the YW leaders treated me like a dirty slut. I was punished for keeping sweet and obeying a priesthood holder! Later, the bishop refused to reinstate me because he thought I needed to forgive myself. I couldn't understand what I had done wrong: I was modest, I didn't flirt with my stepbro, I preferred boys my own age, but didn't even date yet. I got great grades and obeyed the Word of Wisdom. I had done everything I was told to do but the promises of blessings never came to fruition. As the years went by and I continued thinking this over, I realized that those promises of blessings were lies. If I sinned and went against the gospel, good things and bad things happened to me. There was no correlation of cause-and-effect when it came to sin = trials/punishment, righteousness = blessings. If I was good and lived the gospel exactly as I understood it, there were no blessings. It seemed like it made life harder. Where were the blessings?
>
> How did friends and family respond?
The only two people in my entire orbit who are mormons are my dad and stepmom. Because I left the church after I was 18 and had left the house (left the state after getting a college degree, in fact), I thought that my religion or lack thereof, as the case was becoming, was none of my parents' business. My nevermormon friends and family were all relieved and proud of me that I'd had the courage to leave such a controlling religion that really hadn't delivered all the blessings it promised.
>
> Would you return to the Church if your questions
> were resolved?
No, I don't have questions and never did. It's pretty clear to me that god is very inconsistent; and therefore, probably not really a diety at all, but a mental construct that people make up to help themselves make sense of the world. We tell ourselves tales to cope with confusion and chaos. The reason I say god is inconsistent was because of Elizabeth Smart. While I wasn't kidnapped, I was still raped at the same age by a grown man who thought he had the authority to stick it wherever he wanted. After Elizabeth Smart was found, I heard her bishop say on CNN that she is still pure in the eyes of god. I wondered immediately if my bishopric--who presumably, knelt and prayed to god about my case in regard to which action to take--had spoken with the same god that Elizabeth's bishop was apparently talking to. In that flash of fury and resentment, I realized that none of these guys are talking to god; they are making stuff up and justifying themselves by wrapping god around it. There is no just god who would punish a teenager for letting herself get raped.
So I have NO questions. There is nothing that could be said or done that would convince me that these church leaders are men of god and/or that their ideas about god are the correct ones.
>
> How has your worldview (life after death, morals,
> etc) changed?
Although I am a confirmed atheist now, I believe I live a more moral life than I did as a mormon. Mormonism forces you to lie to yourself. Since leaving the church, I have learned about grace and forgiveness. I have learned about personal integrity and personal responsibility. I have learned to act from a space of trust and respect when it comes to interacting with other people. I am less judgmental and more tolerant, loving, open and accepting of other people's ideas. I believe in kindness. I believe in love. I do not believe in a diety nor an afterlife. This life is all we get, so it matters even more how you conduct yourself while you are on this planet as a living, breathing, thinking being. Sometimes, people tell me, if you're an atheist, then what's the point? The point is (to me) that life has whatever meaning you give it. If there is no afterlife, then it behooves you to be the awesomest person you can be because there is no second chance to do things "right" in the afterlife.
>
> Does it bother you that people (maybe even friends
> and family) are still blindly obeying a religion
> you no longer believe in?
It only bothers me because I see how it holds my dad's life back. I don't care what other people believe in, as long as they are not constantly trying to cram that down my throat or force me to believe or behave as though I believe in the same things they do. But it bothers me to watch my dad, who's been miserable in his marriage for pretty much the entire last 30 years or so. That is so sad to me that my dear old dad is shackled to an ignorant, uneducated rube for time and ALL ETERNITY. Poor guy. He chose poorly. He would have more money for his hobbies and retirement if he hadn't wasted so much on tithing. (Where's the blessings dad?) He would have more energy to do real, good, charitable works if he wasn't so busy running on the mormon gerbil keep-busy wheel. He could have happiness and love if he could divorce his idiot and married someone with a brain in her head. He could HAVE ALL the blessings that the church PROMISES, ironically, if he'd leave the church.
I have never mentioned anything like this to him. I respect his boundaries as well. He is a true-blue believer and I think it would be cruel to try to de-convert him. Just as I believe my religion is none of his business, his religion is none of MINE. If I want his respect, I have to respect him. If he knows I resigned, he has not mentioned it. I assume he does because my name probably dropped off his tithing settlement printout. We don't discuss it because we respect each other's right to practice the 11th Article of Faith.
>
> How has your life changed? What are some good
> things? Bad things?
I can't really think of bad things that came as a result of leaving the church. I was able to develop my own identity without being told who to be. I was able to understand that my options in this world are far more limitless than simply being a wife and mother in Zion. There isn't anything wrong with that, but most women are capable of that and MORE. Why should we limit ourselves to a small, prescribed role in life when we really have the freedom and agency to make any choice we wish?
Probably the only negative was the psychological damage from the abuse -- and I think it's very necessary to point out that I don't believe that sex=morality. It wasn't the sex part of the abuse that messed me up. It was being told that I was dirty, and damaged, and had it coming and that no good, kind, decent man would ever want me. THAT was a real mindf***, which I am still trying to deal with 25 years later.
The good things are that I was able to explore the world under my own terms. I put myself through college and earned a degree. Then I started building a little career in my field of study. I moved across the country -- all by myself, where I didn't know a soul -- and rebooted my life. In fact, I've done that a couple times. I learned that almost no choice cannot be undone. There are always consequences to our choices, but you can nearly always get a do-over if necessary and if not, then you just make those un-do-overable choices a little more carefully at the get-go. Eventually, I bought my own house, again, all by myself. I have a nice boyfriend, a dog and a cat, a great job I love, and am surrounded with light, laughter, beauty, and love.
Had I stayed mormon, it looks to me like I would have subjugated myself to a lifetime sentence of picking up after and cooking for other people, caring for others endlessly and never having my own needs met or desires fulfilled. I find it difficult to believe that any just, righteous god would lay out a plan for half its creation that involved not fulfilling one's own potential as a human being.
When I read things like D&C 132 and the Proclamation of the Family and quotes from church leaders, I wonder how in the hell any woman remains in the church. You can't even grow into a whole person if you stay in such a tyrannical, oppressive situation. You don't even get to decide for yourself what type of underwear you will don! I suppose if you were born in, and have never been exposed to other thoughts, philosophies and ideas, you don't know any better, so it's easy to believe what you're told: that there is one true christian church on the planet and you are soooo special because you're a member of it. I see more morality in the prison system.
My advice to you is this: Stop believing everything you're told without first investigating and researching for yourself. Go read D&C 132 carefully and ask yourself: Is this what I wanted for myself? A polygamous marriage? This is what I want my daughters to be -- just chattel in some man's delusion?
>
> I desperately want to understand my husband. I
> love him so very very much, but this is hard. I
> know it isn’t always super fun to talk about,
> but I appreciate your time. Thanks everybody!