http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1597568,1597568#msg-1597568

Well she got a new car before she got the job that she already quit.
After 3 months of not looking for a job, she found one at Humana did all the training for about 1 month (they spend a fortune in her training), after she completed her training, she went to for the time and she did not get along with her boss and she quit. that was 2 days ago. She does not have medical insurance but she has a new car. She drives her new car to church, even though the church is 50 yards from my house. I guess she she likes show up her new toy, although she is broke
She went to the bishop to see if he can set her up with someone, the bishop told her she needs to go to the temple.
Now she want to date and find a good looking Mormon to take care of here so she does not have to work again. She is not aware of the ratio between single adults in the cult.
I am about to lose my mind in any moment. She is useless, she does not take any advice from me or my wife.
Another thing that piss me off is when I am at my room watching tv she whispers to my wife, instead of having a normal conversation she talk like is a secret, I feel that she is conspiracy against me.

Whispering in front of you is rude, but I hardly see that as a conspiracy against you. It's just f**king rude, that's all.

What I just read was a description of someone who has terrible decision-making and problem-solving skills. I wonder what trajectory my life would have taken had I just up and quit every time I "didn't get along" with someone.

I feel like slapping your MIL. Not everybody has a nice safety net, like their adult children, or a spouse, or a string of former spouses, so when the going gets tough, some of us have to suck it up and deal.

And you know what? That's what makes the rest of us stronger and smarter and better able to plan, anticipate consequences, and solve problems. She's been coddled her entire life and clearly, men in her life have been doing the heavy lifting, so she apparently doesn't see it as irresponsible to just quit a job because you didn't like a guy.

When I start thinking of all the people who have to put up with lousy jobs where they are basically abused all day long (anyone in food service, hospitality, public service, and/or retail) because they have no other choice, and then I compare that steadfastness to this flaky bitch who doesn't want to support herself, I just have a rage stroke.

+ 1000

I told her teaching is not a bad job, my wife is also a teacher. My Mil though that she was going to find a job right away and be happy, that not how reality works, she is 59.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/16/2015 03:54PM by southernutah.

Maybe you can find her a man to marry?

In the meantime, maybe you should tell your wife that the whispering makes you uncomfortable and to please stop it.

I had some relatives that would do that. Drove me nuts. It does feel like they're conspiring against you, otherwise why whisper?

I finally told them they were being rude and to knock it off. I got a dirty look, but they did stop whispering around me.

I would get up and barge out and get in their faces and loudly interrupt them: "What are you whispering about?" Repeat as necessary.

What a dreadful woman. Like a MIL joke. I'm sorry but people like her make me mad. I had to retire from my career because of health reasons; I can't do the physical stuff any more, now I have a horrible job. I get picked on by the customers and the boss. I'm 61 and make just a buck over minimum wage. I am so ƒʁƐ@Ҝ!И₲ tired. But I can't get anything else; no one would hire me!

P.S. Sorry for the whine. You know how it is when something steps on a raw nerve...



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/16/2015 04:02PM by Doxi.

No, please don't use the word "uncomfortable;" I think that's soft-peddling it. Tell her it's rude and it makes you feel disrespected in your own home and would all y'all please knock it off?

I agree.

I think is how Mormons talk, they talk like it is a secret

She's unlikely to ever change her sponging ways. Why should she? It's not like there are consequences for her unemployment.

Everything for her is a small blessing, she is going to the basement, since my wife is pregnant and we dont have a room for the baby.
She quit her job as a teacher because she did not get a long with her principal. I wish I had the balls to say NO when she ask to move with us. I told her it was a bad idea leaving her job at 59, she did not listen.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 09/16/2015 04:14PM by southernutah.

Oh wait -- you had the option to say no? And you knew this woman was like this?

Sorry man. This is on you then.

dogzilla Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Oh wait -- you had the option to say no? And you
> knew this woman was like this?
>
> Sorry man. This is on you then.


I know is on me, i did not realize she was going to be this way

You do realize, don't you, that if your MIL doesn't find a man to act as her retirement plan, you and your wife are her permanent backup plan.

Get your wife to see that every dollar spent to support her mother who is still entirely capable of working is money taken from your children. You and your wife's responsibility is to your nuclear family, not to her mooching mother. If her mom were disabled or terminally ill, that could be a different conversation, but she's not. She's just a speshul snowflake who is too awesome for the rigors of gainful employment and financial independence.

Time to shine up your spine and set some boundaries. For instance, give MIL a timeframe where she needs to have found a job and be in her own apartment. And don't allow her the equivalent of a moving-out snooze button..."Oh, please! Just 10 more days."

Good luck!

Your mother-in-law has played you like a violin. She doesn't want to work anymore. She wants to find a widower or divorce and get married. Nice plan if she can pull it off. She already got you to cooperate by letting her move in. She's also making a fool out of you in your own home by whispering in front of you. I'd tell her to knock that crap off or pack her bags.

She has *zero* respect for you. You can take that to the bank.

If you want to reclaim your home, I would give her a move out date and help her to find a new apartment. I would even pay her rent for a couple of months. After that, she can figure it out like the rest of us.

Quit playing *her* game. This will not end well for you if you don't develop a backbone.

Lol she sounds like Susan Sarandons character in tammmy

What would have been your punishment if you had said no to ma movin in?

At 59 just exactly what will ma change? That's right! Nothing.

Ma is in the middle of your marriage and it's poisoning everything.

summer is right. It would pay to pay her rent just to get her out.

Point to the door "don't forget your things".

Seems harsh? Yep. Get your nards and your life back.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 09/16/2015 06:15PM by AmIDarkNow?.

I never had to deal with mother-in-law problems. (Big sigh of relief!)

If she were that dense to buy a new car, then quit her job two days into it. One thing is a given. Unless she has a steady income she ain't gonna be able to make that car payment, and it will be repoed.

Then she'll be just another unemployed person, over the hill, and without wheels. On the plus side, if your wife insists she stay on because she is her mother, well she would make a nice live in nanny and housekeeper for the both of you.

That way she'll at least be pulling her weight and earning her keep.

Unless she paid cash for her car, it's not really hers. Let the bank know where she is staying (and where her car is). Let them take if from there. (I use to do repos for banks on people like your MIL - her irresponsibility will catch up to her )

Maybe you and your wife will luck out, and your MIL *will* meet a nice man from church who will want to spend the rest of his life with her, and won't mind supporting her.

I have seen it happen - of overly dependent women meeting men who prefer that to a dominatrix.

Then she can have her car and drive it too!

And you'll get your piece back. :)

Being realistic here, she has burned her bridges on purpose so she can live off you. Clearly you knew what she was like and so you did this to yourself. Now you want out of it.

She only has a few years until she is eligible for early retirement. What can she do between now and then? Domestic work is done by oneself so she doesn't have to worry about getting along with her boss.

If she has office skills she can work for a temp agency that replaces office staff for vacations and so forth. That way it doesn't matter if she doesn't get along, she'll be gone soon so she can suck it up for the two weeks.

You either support her for the three years as your penance for not having a backbone, or help her find a job that she can do in solitude (there are many, actually). She can even do crafts and sell them on eBay or Etsy.

You can also apply for subsidized housing. Many older people can get food stamps and even GA (General Assistance) as being unemployable due to disabilities. If no disability is found they will refer her to one of the home-to-career programs in community colleges.

She can also share housing with someone who needs looking after, like an elderly person. She 's the perfect age for it. Here they have a company called Shared Housing for that very purpose.

She can even start her own business doing errands for elderly people in her new car.

Ultimately, you can give her all the ideas in the world but it comes down to whether or not you taking a stand will damage your relationship with your wife.

My heart goes out to you because you are obviously a kind person. Best of luck, friend.


Kathleen

southernutah Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> Now she want to date and find a good looking
> Mormon to take care of here so she does not have
> to work again.

Yep, the Mormon church is just FULL of attractive, financially-
well-off single guys who are desperate to get married and have
so much trouble finding single females that they will settle for
anything.

In southern Utah there is an abundance of retirees lol, not necessarily LDS.

She might get lucky and find a nice well-off widower that wants a woman companion - who is not too choosy lol (or maybe he is.) She could be a red hot mama. Just cuz her SIL doesn't see that doesn't mean some other guy won't.

:)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/17/2015 12:33AM by amyjo.

I love the excellent advice given here, but I do want to make one dissenting comment. Is it possible that the reason she whispers to your wife is because she doesn't want to disturb your television watching? That was my first thought.

In southern Utah it's fairly common to have an in-law apartment. They're called casitas there. Adult children do take in elderly parents there. This woman for all we know may have a disability we aren't aware of. Aside of that, the job market there is abysmal. It's a retirement haven, service oriented job market catering to retirees. For the older crowd there, finding gainful employment is an uphill battle. Some people may just give up because they can't compete in the job market that is youth oriented. I saw some age discrimination when I was visiting, with employers. There's many more people looking than there are jobs.

Now that I've gotten "it's on you" out of my system, (And I apologize for being harsh yesterday.) I do have some real-world, possibly useful advice.

1. Call a family meeting. Lay out your expectations. If she's expected to earn her keep by doing things around the house, explicitly state the expectations about what those things should be, frequency, etc.

2. Maybe have a talk with the wife beforehand to make sure you're on the same page.

3. Emphasize that your goal is to raise and support your children, not to raise and support your MIL. They are the priority here, not her.

4. Set the boundaries. Enforce those boundaries consistently. At this family meeting, you explain what the boundaries will be and what are the consequences for pushing past them.

5. Offer every bit of employment advice you can. Guide and direct her in making decisions. Explain that you expect her to be an adult and pull her own weight and if she's going to stay with y'all, she will have to CONTRIBUTE as long as she's able-bodied. There are no free rides and she doesn't get to retire early and just be a gramma for her "job." If she's expected to provide child care, then come up with an agreement with regard to hours, time off, and so forth. Treat her like a paid nanny, only her "pay" is room and board. She CAN earn her keep, using skills she already has.

I don't think you have a MIL problem; you have a wife problem. It is her mother; wife moved her in without your consent. It is for you to work out an agreement with your wife, who should then communicate those terms to her mother, in your presence. Then stick to the terms. Write them down so dates are solid for all.

It seems the highest priority should be the baby, but your peace and joy are being sucked dry by this person who has never wanted you as a SIL.

-This is definitely a wife problem. Be gentle, but try to find out why she did this. Hormones are no joke, maybe not up to the argument, maybe mother just showed up and mowed over her vulnerable daughter. You need honest answers from wife.

We live in Lehi right now, I am a public servant and my wife is a teacher.
Another think I don't like about her is that she complain that her current ward, that is always asking for money, also she mentioned that there is a lot of poor people in her ward. She is a total hypocrite.
I was ok with the idea of her moving in,I miscalculated really bad. also she is a pig, wont clean anything and always make a mess on the kitchen, one day I am going to ballistic on her, that the day my marriage is over.
I explained that her idea was complete crazy, quitting her well pay job at 59 to find something better.
I am living with a f--k teenager, who buys a new car when you don't have a job ? who talk about marriage at 59 ? who quit their job because does not get along with the boss ? who make a mess in the kitchen ? sorry about this



Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 09/17/2015 07:58PM by southernutah.

I would tell her what you expect. For instance, if she makes herself breakfast or lunch, once the meal is over every dish, pot, or utensil she has used is either immediately washed or rinsed and put in the dishwasher. The countertop and stove should be wiped clean of crumbs and cooking debris. At a bare minimum, she needs to pick up after herself. There is no reason in the world why she should be making more work for you and your wife.

I agree with those who say that you and your wife need to get on the same page. Formulate a plan and carry it out. Otherwise you will be looking at a permanent guest.

You know, you can make another choice. Instead of passively seething and then one day, when you can't hold it back anymore, you blow up at her, you can choose to handle it completely differently.

Like a healthy adult.

You can sit her down and talk to her before you get to the point of explosion. Set the boundaries. Ask for her help. Find out if she needs mental health support.

Talk to your wife. Talk to you MIL. Don't just sit there and pout and cry into your Wheaties until you're so pissed off, you have to take action that ends your marriage.

You need to (and I hate that phrasing, but it's true in this case) grow a spine and ASK for your needs to be met. You give support and respect and you ASK for that in return. You set appropriate boundaries. Get a therapist or counselor to help you figure out how to do that, if it sounds ridiculous to you.

See, that's how mature, well-adjusted, emotionally healthy people handle shit like this. It's not your fault the church's teachings caused you to be raised in such a way as to be a doormat for other people's bullshit. But you CAN choose to change that, merely by figuring out a different way to go about problem solving. Grow up. Handle it. Get off the internet and quit sniping under your breath at your MIL. Speak up, be calm, be rational and fair, and say your peace. There is a middle way. You don't have to be stuck at the extremes (say nothing<----blow up).

Go do something to change your situation and then return and report. Until then, I don't want to see your posts. You should be busy using the advice in this thread, getting your wife on board, leading your household, not complaining to us about how much you MIL sucks.

I almost lost my mind today, I was watching Real Time which is one of my favorite show, she asked me who was that guy , I told her it was Bill Maher, she said good because he is hateful and disrespectful,she will never listen to him and she went back to her room.
2 days ago she told me wife that I should buy a new car for wife, to be fair I am cheap, we both drive old cars that are fine for are need, I have not make a car payment since 2007, She feels since her daughter is pregnant she need a better car. I rather save money for a house than a car at this moment. She still does not have a job, when she moved with us the told her she was going to pay rent, then he changed to help with groceries and now she can do anything. Yes she still has not find a job yet, he has been with out a job since the beginning of the summer.

Extremely mess, can't/won't hold down a job, has anyone looked into her mental status? Believe it or not, these can be warning signals for mental illness.

Right. She could be suffering from an emotional or nervous breakdown, or depression.

If she has no money, and no job prospects, where will she go if not with her family?

She could become homeless. And that could be worse for not only her, but her children - who will have to live with that on their conscience.

It sounds like southernUtah is doing his darndest to get on the same page with his wife and MIL. She may be taking advantage of them to some degree, and then she may also be suffering from something she cannot identify herself.

Plus, she belongs to a cult and is brainwashed.

At 59 and unemployed without prospects it is unlikely she'll find either a job or a husband at her age. Still, people shouldn't give up hope that something better will materialize than her current situation, and for SouthernUtah.

Finding a job should be easier than a husband. But in Lehi, there are even fewer opportunities than St. George and its surrounding suburbs. What companies are in Lehi anyway? Not much.

Does she have any other family who could take her in?

Does she have any source of income at all? Without any assets she won't be able to move out unless she has some means to support herself with.

I wouldn't want to throw her out to the wolves. Would rather find her somewhere to move to, instead of simply displacing her.

In addition to this, since SU's wife is expecting a baby, often at least among Mormon mothers it's almost expedient that the grandmother spend some time with the daughter and her family after the baby comes home, to help make a smooth transition for the family and most of all, to help the daughter who has just given birth.

That was a norm where I grew up among LDS women.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 09/17/2015 09:11PM by amyjo.

You know, that's not a bad thought. Of the four teachers I know of who lost their public school jobs, two of them have had significant mental health issues that impacted their ability to do the job. The both of them are also messy/disorganized, one to the point of having severe hoarding issues.

A complete medical workup might be just the thing.Since the OP's MIL is unemployed, she might be eligible for Medicaid.

I almost lost my mind today, I was watching Real Time which is one of my favorite show, she asked me who was that guy , I told her it was Bill Maher, she said good because he is hateful and disrespectful,she will never listen to him and she went back to her room.
2 days ago she told me wife that I should buy a new car for wife, to be fair I am cheap, we both drive old cars that are fine for are need, I have not make a car payment since 2007, She feels since her daughter is pregnant she need a better car. I rather save money for a house than a car at this moment. She still does not have a job, when she moved with us the told her she was going to pay rent, then he changed to help with groceries and now she can do anything. Yes she still has not find a job yet, he has been with out a job since the beginning of the summer.........
One day I am going to loose my mind