When I was a TBM teenager, I also had dreams of having 7 seven children. All I had ever heard of motherhood was that it was the "MOST REWARDING" experience of a lifetime and how "BLESSED" I would be if I had many children. I thought motherhood would be easy, because all I had ever heard and saw reflected the image of happiness with large families. I came from a family of 4 children and I always thought we had a small family. I wanted more for my children. I was young, naive, and terribly brain washed.

Then I got married. I had my first child, a girl. I was OVERWHELMED!!!!! I fell into a dark depression that lasted for about 6 months. It wasn't until my husband and I prayed about it and I felt that I would know when it was time to have another one that I saw a bit of light at the end of my dark tunnel. When my 1st child was 2 yrs old, I felt the urge to have #2. 10 months later we welcomed daughter #2, and I was thrilled! NO depression with the second...she was very planned and we welcomed her gladly. Yet, I fell into a severe depression when she was about 1 yr old. I knew this couldn't be post-partum....what it WAS was a fear of having any more!!! My husband refused to have a vasectomy because he felt that even if it was 10 years down the road, I would change my mind and want another.....I was ADAMENT about NOT wanting any more.

It was during this time that I had bouts of severe depression and not feeling "worthy" enough to have the husband that I did. I felt like no matter how hard I tried he would get to the Celestial Kingdom and I wouldn't. We would be apart in the eternities. I can remeber on two occasions where I curled up on the floor beside my bed (because I didn't feel worthy enough to lie in comfort on my bed)and wished that my life were over. I would envision getting a knife and slashing my wrists! I would think of how nice it would be to overdose on sleeping pills and never wake up! My beloved husband would sit by my side and call my name, and I would not respond. He would talk to me and tell me how much he loved me and I would not respond. I thought he deserved so much more than me. In my mind, I was lower than dirt.....I could not possibly be as good as the church wanted me to be. I didn't have enough faith. I wasn't the "Perfect Mother". I can remeber on other occasions I would scream at the top of my lungs that I wanted out of my marriage (which by the way is the best thing in my life....I just didn't think I deverved it). I would throw my clothes on the bed...quite ready to just leave and wonder the streets until I died; starved to death. My husband would hold me and tell me that he loved me. I couldn't understand how he could love me!!!!

I remember lying in bed until 12:00 in the afternoon! Only getting up to feed my girls and then going back to bed. I didn't want to deal with life! I didn't want to deal with reality! To me reality was monotonous; I saw my life as a dead-end. I can not describe the depth of my depression and self-pity!

Can you believe that it was during this time of utter hopelessness that I decided I wanted a 3rd child!!!!!!! This decision happened on one of my happier weeks! I was on a "spiritual high" and I was trying sooooo hard to do what is right and fulfill my callings, etc... I got pregnant quickly and my depression lasted for months!!!! I felt like the only reason I was keeping myself alive was for the child that was growing inside of me. A child that I feared having! I gained alot of weight and yelled at my girls daily!!! I think they didn't know I was talking to them, unless I was yelling at them!! One day, during my eighth month of pregnancy (by this time I knew my baby was breech and I was stressed about my upcoming c-section)I literally had a nervous breakdown!!!! My oldest had been disobeying me all morning, and finally I took her into my bedroom, shut the door and spanked her! I didn't spank her hard, but in my mind I was envisioning doing a lot more damage that the spanking. Afraid of these images in my brain, I sent her out of my room and just screamed!! Loud, long wails! I just screamed out "Why me? What have I done to deserve this?","WHY? WHY? WHY?......" and then I was just crying my eyes out and wailing! I started to hyperventalate with all of my crying and screaming. Luckily my sister was there to help me snap out of it. I was numb for the rest of the day. Later on that night, we had a knock on our door. It was the police!!! One of my neighbours had reported us! He said that he was investigating domestic abuse!! Woah! Did that ever hit me hard!! We explained to him what had happened, thank God he understood, and left. It was at this time that I knew I needed help! Shortly after this episode, I was surfing the internet and I found this web site!!! I started reading the stories and searching for the truth! I realized that the core of my depression was my involvement in the church! The feelings of unworthiness, not living up to my full potential as a daughter of God, being a sinner, the fact that I didn't want more children, etc....was the cause of my emotional break down!

I had my 3rd child on May 4th. She is my last child. She is NOT blessed in the church, as my last two were. She is my Angel.

My husband, that incredible man who stood by my side through all of this, that man who I owe my life to, my best friend on the face of this planet, he got a vasectomy 6 weeks ago. THAT is the best present he could have ever given me! I love him dearly.

Since the birth of my 3rd child I have become a different person! No longer do I lie in bed all morning, no longer do I dread each coming day. I now look forward to each day! I embrace my life with loving arms! This is the only life I have! I don't need the mindset of "endure to the end"(a.k.a. get through all of this shit on earth and your reward shall be eternal life). I now see the beauty on earth. I breath! I close my eyes open my arms and thank the sweet Goddess for giving me this opportunity to share my life with those whom I love!

My last child will never know a depressed mother. She shall never endure the mental pain that I inflicted on my family during my bouts of self-misery. Today I weep for the woman that I was. I weep for the years that I lost in that long dark tunnel. I weep for joy at what my future holds. A future of freedom! A future of PEACE!

I know this was long, but I needed to get it off my chest!

Cyber Hugs to all!

Deedels