You know, it's funny. I never thought much about the church. I grew up mormon in a small town in Utah, and it just was. I remember as a Beehive (12-13 year old young woman), sitting in a class with a young women's teacher who came in and promptly said, "you all don't really believe this stuff do you?" And I came back and immediately said "Absolutely" and bore my testimony. She was surprised because she was only playing devil's advocate and didn't expect anyone to actually respond! It wasn't until much later that I began questioning.

When I got my patriarchal blessing, there was one line that said something like never let your intellect get in the way of your learning of god. At the time, I thought that was very deep, and that I would have to be careful always to study the scriptures, etc. Now, I wonder why being smart would "get in the way".

Little things began to bug me. About the same time as I got my patriarchal blessing, for some reason I decided I wanted to know what went on at the priesthood session of General Conference. I didn't understand why they had a special session just for men. Others around me kept telling me that the women's conference was the women's equivalent. Then why was there only a token General Authority or two there?

Then I figured out that because I did not want children, I was a bad person. And when I voiced my opinion that I wanted a civil marriage first to see if my future spouse and I were compatible, that idea was quickly dispelled by my parents, saying that a civil marriage was just asking for a divorce.

The older I got, the more inconsistencies I saw. I believed that every single person who touched alcohol was automatically and alcoholic. Every person that touched a drug was automatically a heroin and coke addict--there were no in betweens. I have never felt loyalty to anything, so I didn't spend any energy thinking about what I was seeing. But at times, I wondered how my mom, who always had an excuse for not going to any meeting but Sacrament meeting, and, get this, working on Sunday (oh no!) could still go to the Temple. She rarely did, maybe 1 time a year but I knew she held a recommend. And there were things about me that just didn't quite fit with the mormon mold. I loved nature. I was in awe of her. I felt an attachment to the moon and to night. No one else seemed to understand that.

I was not exactly social during my teen years. At 18, I met and got engaged to a new convert. We married just before I turned 19 and he turned 20 in the Jordan River Temple. That was the real beginning of the end. I sat through the endowment ceremony seething at the fact that I had to obey my husband! I DON'T THINK SO!!! Then he got to know my name, and I couldn't know his. Why not? And why weren't women allowed to be in charge? I felt I was at least as smart as most of the men, and I knew there were women and men both who were smarter than I was. I sat through the sealing thoroughly disgusted. I wanted a fancy wedding, with flowers, beautiful dress, etc. This was supposed to be my only wedding, and you couldn't even see my dress through all the garb. And it was only 45 seconds long!

I received the standard church answers to my questions. That men "needed" the extra help of the priesthood. Baloney. Women had a higher calling. If that were true, why couldn't women be in charge if they were so smart to have such a high job in life. Why couldn't women work if that is what really made them happy? I always knew that I would not be able to stay home with a child all day! My mom's answer the afternoon I got endowed to all my questions, was "it just takes faith".

Time went by, and I settled into my life. My husband used his priesthood authority to rule me. Although he never laid a hand on me, I was so beaten down I didn't even want to go outside the door. One day, he woke up and said that he didn't love me and didn't want to be married any more. I had thought my Temple marriage was forever and was devastated.

I was unemployed and looking for a new home. I joined the military to get away, and while there, met a nice young man. When our time together was over, I committed the cardinal sin for someone who had gone through the temple--fornication. I loved him and was not (and am not) sorry. I had never understood how something so natural could be so wrong. I walked into the branch president's office, put my recommend on his desk, and told him I wouldn't need it anymore. In 2 weeks, I was excommunicated. I was devastated again. I didn't regret my decision but I wished it hadn't happened that way. I told my mom on the phone, and she cried for 2 hours. I continued to go to church, even though I couldn't participate.

When I left that post, I dropped away from going to church. I was in a new city where I didn't know anyone and didn't have anything to keep my going. My new boyfriend's friends understood the things that I had been trying to say about nature, the moon, the night, the earth and put a name to what I had always believed. Paganism. As I explored my new religion, something funny happened to me. I got happier and happier. When that person and I broke up, I was hurt and angry, but had for the VERY first time, enough self confidence to know I would go on.

I am open about my beliefs to everyone except my family. They would not understand that I am not a devil worshipper. I know my name is continually on the prayer rolls in the temple. My mom pays for a subscription to the Ensign for me and will pay for one for my son when he is old enough. I have repeatedly asked her not to renew it but she always does. When my parents visit my new husband and me and attend church, my mom has stopped asking me to go with them, but I know they give the local bishops my name and address. I do not answer the door to someone I don't expect, so they never bother me more than a couple of times.

As an interesting side note, due to the way the military branches are set up, I don't think the church knows I was excommunicated. I haven't bothered to tell them, I just don't care. I know they have contacted my parents in the past to find out where I was so they could send my records.

I am happier now than I ever have been in my life. For the first time, I believe that women are important. That we (I) are valued and smart, and that it's okay. I will never go back.