| Subject: | Looking back---did I really tolerate this? |
| Date: | Jan 21, 2008 |
| Author: | lightfingerlouie |
| I have been out of the church for a long time. Time
heals many wounds. When I look back now, and read the posts on this board, I
realize how much I tolerated. Wow, talk about being a beast of burden. I lived in a rather comfortable home in America. I had freedoms most people in history only dreamed of. Despite this, I gave up much----for what? I let a neighbor from the house across the street ask me about masturbation It was not any of his damn business, but I let him ask . It made me cringe, but I let him ask . And I was 14 years old. WTF? I gave up two years of my life to "serve as a missionary." I was not paid; my family paid for it. What did I get from this? I was not treated at all well. Every minute had to be accounted for [as a Mormon missionary]. I got up when I was told to, read what I was told , worked when I was told ate what I was told and slept when I was told . No extra sleep was allowed. I worked about 70 hours each week. When I was sick, I worked anyway. When I had typhoid, I was told to get out of the hospital. If it was dark, and freezing and rain and snow were slashing my companion and me, I stayed out and knocked on doors, even though the people had no desire to open their door, much less hear "my message." I could not even talk freely, or express doubt. I tried it a couple of times, and was smacked like a kitten being hit by an Abrams tank. I even had to perform, and get up in testimony meetings, and lie like the others. We were even instructed to "put more feeing" into our testimonies. Our acting needed significant improvement. I went through the temple, and found, much to my horror, it was not what I expected. But come to think of it, what did I expect? It was so secretive, no-one would tell me what I was getting into. I had no realistic expectations at all. I made blood oaths, and "slit my throat." I promised to be perfect under pain of death. I came out wearing the underwear I was told to wear. I could not even choose that. When I married, I married in a short, ugly little ceremony, wearing clothes I would not dream of being photographed in. No real wedding for me. I did the required and expected, and I was supposed to say how "beautiful," or "uplifting" it was. It was not. It was one of the biggest letdowns I have ever had. This was a wedding day, for God's sake. If I made money, ten percent was not mine. No matter what, it belonged to the church. If the car needed work, ten percent belonged to the church, and paying for the car was my problem. I had but one obligation----pay the church. What they did with it was none of my business. The money went into their bottomless coffers, and that was it. All this, while others in my country were free. They could choose their faith, give what they wanted, use their time as they wanted, and marry in a ceremony that actually made them look and feel married. They could eat and drink what they chose. Some made "poor choices," but they had the choice. I did not. I was told I had "free agency," and then my arm was twisted until I did exactly what I was told. In Mormonism, you are free to do exactly what you are told. Its a lovely thing, it really, really, is, and if you don't care to think, feel, question, or doubt, its just splendid. Isn't it remarkable to see what we will give away for the reward of being chattel? |
| Subject: | My exact thinking on the subject. You speak for many n/t |
| Subject: | Re: Looking back---did I really tolerate this? |
| Date: | Jan 21 19:26 |
| Author: | Matt |
| We did, didn't we? I wish, oh HOW I wish, my parents had not become Mormons! |
| Subject: | Re: Looking back---did I really tolerate this? |
| Date: | Jan 21 18:25 |
| Author: | Hap E. Heretic |
| Great post once again, Louie! Beautifully expressed. Thanks for summing up what so many here have experienced in such an eloquent fashion. Well done. |
| Subject: | Re: Looking back---did I really tolerate this? |
| Date: | Jan 21 18:37 |
| Author: | Martha |
| You put into words exactly what I feel. Your post is a job well done. Thank you. |
| Subject: | Re: Looking back---did I really tolerate this? |
| Date: | Jan 21 19:19 |
| Author: | JBug |
| I completely understand. What a profound and well-written post!! Some of the things you write are amazing...and I cannot believe that I CHOSE the cult, as a convert I consider myself a real IDIOT to have brought this lack of freedom on myself. |
| Subject: | Not many posts choke me up. This did... |
| Date: | Jan 21 21:29 |
| Author: | Jacomo |
| ..because you said exactly what I feel. Thank you. |
| Subject: | This brought tears to my eyes, too. |
| Date: | Jan 21 21:50 |
| Author: | forestpal |
| I thought of the sweet, innocent little girl I was,
born in the covenant, knowing no other life than mormonism, wanting to be a
good girl and obey her parents. Then I thought of myself as an adult, that I would suffer physical abuse for the sake of a temple marriage, and stay married for fear of disgracing my family. In the mormon cult, I felt unworthy, unloved, beaten down, and without hope. I feel sad for all of you, too, whenever I read your stories and your feelings--except for one thing: We have escaped--or are on our way to escaping! /\-/\ .o.o >*< |
| Subject: | Forestpal-- |
| Date: | Jan 21 22:50 |
| Author: | JBug |
| I loved your note about this post. I have to add, some of us only THINK about escaping, because we cannot, YET. Someday. |
| Subject: | "you are free to do exactly what you are told." |
| Date: | Jan 22 01:24 |
| Author: | nonamekid |
| That one phrase sums up Mormonism perfectly Thanks for putting things so succinctly. |
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