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Subject:

"Bednar wants me for a pickle to brine for him each day." or

"As cucumbers now are, pickles once were; as pickles now are, cucumbers may become"

Date:

Apr 9, 2007

Author:

No Mo

I woke up early this morning, turning on the TV to get me back to sleep. KBYU had reruns of the last week's [April 2007] General Conference. Oh, joy! The Mormon Church’s latest wunderkind, Bednar ("only one earring will do if you want to get into the celestial kingdom"), was giving a speech telling the faithful to become like pickle. Have they run out of useful analogies? This was the most ridiculous one that they have come up with…

It was the most boring and ridiculous speech that I can ever remember. A pickle, in brine? Are you kidding me? When I think of the cucumber, I think of "Animal House" and the frat president holding one up and telling the dean's wife that "mine is bigger". God wants me to be a PICKLE?

Wunderkind has gone bust. Unbelievable. I would rather be a "sunbeam".

Subject:	Re: "Bednar wants me for a pickle to brine for him each day."
Date:	Apr 09 01:37
Author:	bona dea

Okay, I missed conference on purpose. I've heard references to the pickle talk, but nobody has said what the analogy was. WHY DOES BEDNER WANT US TO BECOME LIKE PICKLES? Someone please tell me before I go crazy.

Subject:	Re: "Bednar wants me for a pickle to brine for him each day."
Date:	Apr 09 01:51
Author:	No Mo

Where did you hear of the reference to the pickle talk? I thought I was the only one bored enough to listen to it. It is totally and unbelievably stupid. Ask the mormons in the Motown phallus downtown Moron Cult Central building to explain the pickle. They have lost it. There is no substance to their cult, so they go on trying to reinvent the stupidity of it all and hoping that none of the faithful will notice how ridiculous it is.

Subject:	Text of the talk “The Parable of The Pickle”
Date:	Apr 09 04:21
Author:	Reinventing Grace

From www.lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-690-8,00.html

Exmormon.org note: This talk is for real. It is not a parody. It was given by an Apostle of the Mormon Church, a spokesman for God, in the April 2007 conference. Excerpts are below in quotations. Bold was added for emphasis. To read the talk in its entirety, click on the lds.org link above.

“Ye Must Be Born Again or The Parable of The Pickle”
Elder David A. Bednar
Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Through faith in Christ, we can be spiritually prepared and cleansed from sin, immersed in and saturated with His gospel, and purified and sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise…

As an adult I have reflected upon the things I observed in our kitchen during canning season. This morning I want to discuss some of the spiritual lessons we can learn from the process by which a cucumber becomes a pickle. I invite the Holy Ghost to be with us as we consider the significance of those lessons for me and for you as we come unto Christ and are spiritually reborn.

Cucumbers and Pickles

A pickle is a cucumber that has been transformed according to a specific recipe and series of steps. The first steps in the process of changing a cucumber into a pickle are preparing and cleaning. I remember many hours spent on the back porch of my home removing stems from and scrubbing dirt off of the cucumbers we had picked. My mom was very particular about the preparing and cleaning of the cucumbers. She had high standards of cleanliness and always inspected my work to make sure this important task was properly completed.

The next steps in this process of change are immersing and saturating the cucumbers in salt brine for an extended period of time. To prepare the brine, my mom always used a recipe she learned from her mother—a recipe with special ingredients and precise procedures. Cucumbers can only become pickles if they are totally and completely immersed in the brine for the prescribed time period. The curing process gradually alters the composition of the cucumber and produces the transparent appearance and distinctive taste of a pickle. An occasional sprinkle of or dip in the brine cannot produce the necessary transformation. Rather, steady, sustained, and complete immersion is required for the desired change to occur.

The final step in the process requires the sealing of the cured pickles in jars that have been sterilized and purified. The pickles are packed in canning jars, covered with boiling hot brine, and processed in a boiling-water-bath canner. All impurities must be removed from both the pickles and the bottles so the finished product can be protected and preserved. As this procedure is properly followed, the pickles can be stored and enjoyed for a long period of time.

To summarize, a cucumber becomes a pickle as it is prepared and cleaned, immersed in and saturated with salt brine, and sealed in a sterilized container. This procedure requires time and cannot be hurried, and none of the essential steps can be ignored or avoided. …

Preparing and Cleaning

Just as a cucumber must be prepared and cleaned before it can be changed into a pickle, so you and I can be prepared with "the words of faith and of good doctrine" (1 Timothy 4:6) and initially cleansed through the ordinances and covenants administered by the authority of the Aaronic Priesthood.

Immersing and Saturating

Just as a cucumber is transformed into a pickle as it is immersed in and saturated with salt brine… “

The talk goes on for awhile then this:

”My beloved brothers and sisters, I pray this parable of the pickle may help us to evaluate our lives and to better understand the eternal importance of spiritual rebirth. With Alma, "I speak in the energy of my soul" (Alma 5:43).”

Subject:

Replace all Baptismal fonts with giant pickle crocks full of brine, dill, and kosher salt n/t

Subject:	Valiant effort there, Dave, but. . .
Date:	Apr 09 19:53
Author:	JoAnn

if you're trying to achieve the same effect with fruits and veggies that your esteemed colleague Tommy Monson has done with ancient little widows who remember him from Primary, I'm sorry Dude - it ain't gonna fly.

Your "pickle" imagery will probably be long remembered, however.

Subject:	Maybe someone will spoof...
Date:	Apr 09 05:18
Author:	Reinventing Grace

Maybe someone will spoof a companion talk by dear Sister Bednar, on preserving cherries and peaches... They're quite the Freudian couple... I wonder if she helped him with his "Parable of The Pickle" talk...

Here's some material to work with from her famous Sept 11th talk...

...issues regarding modesty and dress and grooming have been on the minds of prophets for a long time.

We speak often about magnifying the priesthood; tonight we will talk about "reverencing womanhood."

"When Elder Haight visited our campus a few weeks later, they dressed in their Sunday best for his visit."

"...you should dress in such a way as to bring out the best in yourself and those around you."

"
This employee's advice to me was: "Don't beat around the bush about modesty."

..."he was disappointed to find two girls with navel rings sunbathing in their bikinis."

"Some of the tops you wear show every bump and every curve on your breast."

"You need to make sure that when you cross your legs your dress isn't so short that you can see to high heaven! I felt sorry for the priesthood leaders on the stand with me that day because of what those girls revealed."

"I sit down in front of the mirror. I cross my legs in front of the mirror."

http://www.byui.edu/Presentations/Transcripts/MiscellaneousAddresses/2001_09_16_Bednarsusan.htm

Subject:	Re: "Bednar wants me for a pickle to brine for him each day."
Date:	Apr 09 10:31
Author:	síóg

"To brine for him each day."

Very funny, NoMo.

Speaking of patriarchy-based Freudian whoopers, I'm reminded of the story one of the Big 15 told about the tradition in his family about the Saturday male-only self-aggrandizement sessions. It seems while the menfolk were in P. Session, the Little Ladies at home spent the evening making donuts for the men to feast on when they returned.

"And I remember with what joy we men gathered to eat those delicious donuts," he intoned.

Some wag here suggested that during the RS sessions, all the men stayed home preparing sausages for the women to enjoy when they got home.

Subject:	He kind of peaked when he named a building after Hinckley.
Date:	Apr 09 18:40
Author:	Moretta

Now, that was grade-A, world-class ass-kissing at its finest. [This was done at BYU-Ricks in Idaho]

I kind of feel sorry for him now because he's no longer in a position to do things like that for his superiors. They probably expect him to develop a rapport with the youth of the Church to keep them from leaving the church in droves.

He's sweating now because he realizes that all the pickle talks in the world can't convince questioning youth (the non-brain-dead) that Mormonism is what it claims to be and can't change the fact that Joe Smith was a con artist who claimed to get his scriptures from a glow-in-the-dark stone held in a hat.

Subject:	Re: "Bednar wants me for a pickle to brine for him each day."
Date:	Apr 09 18:58
Author:	TheMiNd

Thanks. I just hummed that stupid song the entire time I was in the shower/shaving.

Subject:	"Is that a pickle in your pocket?
Date:	Apr 09 19:19
Author:	Nebularry

Or are you just happy to see me?"

Mae West

Subject:	Bednar's pickle talk - the apostles are hitting new heights of banality.
Date:	Apr 09 20:03
Author:	wine country girl

I really like your song, No Mo!

Subject:	Re: More reverent pickle song
Date:	Apr 09 22:46
Author:	Chorister

Sing to the tune of "Come Come Ye Saints":

Poor little cukes,
No brine or salt is here,
Sit in water,
Wait for brine.
Though hard to you
This pickling may appear,
Sit in water,
Toe the line.

We’ll make the air
With vinegar ring,
Pickle cucumbers
Fit for a king,
As for the rest,
They’ll taste just fine
Raw veggie cukes
Without brine.

Subject:	Re: Sing along
Date:	Apr 09 22:56
Author:	Chorister

If you could hie to Heinz,
In the twinkling of an eye
And jump into the brines,
Be a pickle, don’t be shy.

Do you think that you could ever
A little pickle be?
A sweet sweet midget gherkin
Or a kosher dill-y.

There is no end to vinegar,
There is no end to brine.
There is no end to cucumbers,
Our pickles taste just fine.
There is no end to Heinz,
No end to corporate greed
There is no end to relish
We all a pickle need.

Subject:	"the preparing and cleaning of the cucumbers"
Date:	Apr 10 10:06
Author:	mushinja

That line sounds like something from a Monty Python movie.

"Life of Brine" perhaps.

Subject:	Re: My daughter's investator in France ... quote: "Just loved this talk -- the pickle allegory!!!" ... gag!!! nt
Date:	Apr 10 10:30
Author:	Frosted Pickle

Makes sense . . . pickles are a big thing over there . . .

Subject:	All I can think about these days is pickles...
Date:	Apr 18 22:35
Author:	Q

I'm not sure if I am in the process of leaving the church or a jar of pickles. I'm having an identity crises; I don't know if I have been sleeping in sleep-a-ment meetings all these years or just marinating in a jar of rhine.

It's just too much, God I hope no one in slc comes up with any more parables. What next? "Ye slothful servants of the church, ye have become Salty Sardines that have lost their savor"?

Ugh

Subject:	I can see that.
Date:	Apr 18 22:59
Author:	Dbradhud

I suggest you quit the pickles, but not cold turkey. You have to wean yourself off of them. I call it sweet before dill.

Subject:	Thank you, I'll try sliced pickles on cold turkey. nt
Date:	Apr 19 00:20
Author:	Chorister

I looked out my window and what did I see?
Pickles pickling on the cucumber tree!

Spring has brought me such a nice surprise,
Pickles pickling right before my eyes!

I can take an armful and make a treat,
Little gherkins that will taste so sweet,

(Alternate verse: I can take an armful but I'll be dour, Kosher dills that will taste so sour)

It wasn't really so, but it seemed to me,
Pickles pickling on the cucumber tree.

Subject:	What I heard
Date:	Apr 19 00:34
Author:	JBug

Haven't you heard? In their General Conference in early April, the Mormon church leaders announced that the "Prophet" is to be called the "Head Pickle" now, and the 12 Apostles are to be called the "Twelve Pickles". [at least, that is what I heard. Since I didn't actually listen to the conference, I could be wrong]

I think I'm in the mood to eat a great big dill pickle.

Subject:	Bednar Pickle Reference at Last General Con Speech . . .
Date:	Apr 19 00:37
Author:	SL Cabbie

The metaphor was the church acts like brine on a cucumber and once they become pickles, members can never be cucumbers again . . .

Or something like that . . .

Doubtless more Mormon use of phallic symbols . . .

Subject:

"That gets into some pretty deep theology that we don't know very much about." n/t

Subject:

God ordained this through his holy messenger, FARMoni. n/t

Subject:	I'm going to post that on my refrigerator! ;) n/t
Date:	Apr 15 12:53
Author:	Frosted Pickle

Subject:	On My Wall!
Date:	Apr 15 13:03
Author:	Melonade

Time to get out the cross stitching!

Subject:

"Pay no attention to those little bumps on pickles! Why worry about it? Just BE AN OBEDIENT PICKLE" --G.B.Hinckster to Mike Wallace. 8^D n/t

Subject:

I wonder if JS's manhood was more like a pickle than a cucumber? Could explain a few things, like his need to compensate maybe?!!! n/t

Subject:	I have such a nasty mind!
Date:	Apr 15 16:39
Author:	JBug

This cucumber-pickle thing conjures up all kinds of naughty ideas I won't mention!

Subject:	Re: "As cucumbers now are, pickles once were; as pickles now are, cucumbers may become" - Moby Joe
Date:	Apr 15 16:50
Author:	lightfingerlouie

Thanks for making me laugh. I needed that. Your post is damn funny. To think that I had not heard a conference talk in YEARS, and the one I decided to listen to was the groundbreaking pickle sermon.

I wonder if Bednar got a "pickle tickle" that night?

Subject:	"Know the pickle and the pickle will set you free..."
Date:	Apr 15 18:35
Author:	Scriptorian

"Pickle them not, Father. For they know not what they do."

"Cast not your pickles before swine."

"And he drove the pickle changers out of the temple."

"The pickle is in you and you are in a pickle."

Yes, the Bible is an enlightening and empickling book.

Subject:	Don't forget the miracle of the loaves and pickles.
Date:	Apr 15 18:58
Author:	Turnip

When Jesus fed the crowd with three pickle and cheese sandwiches. Or when the wedding feast ran out of pickles and Jesus turned cucumbers instantly into Kosher dills.

Subject:	The Pickle thing is not going away (link)
Date:	Apr 13 05:29
Author:	JCH

http://www.slweekly.com/article.cfm/sacredpickling

Also check the cover story about a famous ex-mormon.

Subject:	Re: The Pickle thing is not going away (link)
Date:	Apr 13 07:44
Author:	Lovechild

The pickle thing shouldn't go away. To call it sophomoric would be giving it way too much credit.

Is there such a word as "sophomoronic"?

If there is, it was probably coined specifically to describe this type of lame-brained, anti-intellectual, maundering through the land of "Simile as a tool of Spiritual Discovery" that Mormon Apostles are so adept at.

The saddest part is that Mormons love this shit; Nay, they thrive on it. They think it is just so "special."

Subject:

The Seed of Polygamy: Hey, brother Brigham, is that a pickle in your pocket? ... Hillarious! n/t

Subject:	Hilarious....one thing politicians look for as "the end"....
Date:	Apr 13 08:56
Author:	LongGone2

is being lampooned regularly and unmercifully. A politician becomes the fodder of late-night comedy and it's usually sayounara credibility and career.

The facade of mormonism is developing some serious cracks.

In regards to the porn-star article, how many times have we all recognized here that childhood sexual abuse (please note, this girl was a "child" of 14) has lasting and deleterious effects on the victim. What makes mormons think that this woman's pain, confusion and health were any different from Helen Marr Kimbel's who was also abused unknowingly at 14....

Subject:

He takes no prisoners. The pen is mightier than the pickle n/t

Subject:	Just great!!!! That's my healthy laugh for the day.
Date:	Apr 13 09:40
Author:	sm

Ah, Brother Bednar, you have such a way with words. Keep up the good work as you train to become the PROFIT. The world needs good laughs on a more regular basis.

Subject:

The Pickle thing is not going away...yea, I have that problem sometimes too...n/t

Subject:

Emergency board meeting on the way. He just might end up being demoted...this is an unacceptable screw up. Putting the corp in the sights of the humorists. UH OH. nt

Subject:	Re: The Pickle thing is not going away (link)
Date:	Apr 13 15:34
Author:	Frosted Pickle

...and it shouldn't go away...the whole thing is pickle ticklin' funny! :)))))))))))))))))

Subject:	Hilarious! I borrowed your link for another bb--thanks!
Date:	Apr 13 15:45
Author:	Susan D.

Imagine all the funny Slamtoons that can be made from this.

ROFL

Subject:	Nomination: "The Freudian Couple" award for Elder and Sis Bednar
Date:	Apr 09 06:57
Author:	Reinventing Grace

A few exerpts from their now well-known talks.

Sister Bednar's Sept 11th talk:
Here's some material to work with from her famous Sept 11th talk...

"...issues regarding modesty and dress and grooming have been on the minds of prophets for a long time.

"We speak often about magnifying the priesthood; tonight we will talk about "reverencing womanhood."

"When Elder Haight visited our campus a few weeks later, they dressed in their Sunday best for his visit."

"...you should dress in such a way as to bring out the best in yourself and those around you."

"This employee's advice to me was: "Don't beat around the bush about modesty."

"...he was disappointed to find two girls with navel rings sunbathing in their bikinis."

"Some of the tops you wear show every bump and every curve on your breast."

"You need to make sure that when you cross your legs your dress isn't so short that you can see to high heaven! I felt sorry for the priesthood leaders on the stand with me that day because of what those girls revealed."

"I sit down in front of the mirror. I cross my legs in front of the mirror. And you have the added luxury of asking your roommates what they can see if you choose to try this suggestion."

http://www.byui.edu/Presentations/Transcripts/MiscellaneousAddresses/2001_09_16_Bednarsusan.htm

*************

From Elder Bednar's talk last week: "The Parable of The Pickle"

"other delicious fruits"

"I loved eating my work!"

"home-canned cherries or peaches"

"A pickle is a cucumber that has been transformed"

"my mom always used a recipe she learned from her mother—a recipe with special ingredients and precise procedures"

"Cucumbers can only become pickles if they are totally and completely immersed in the brine for the prescribed time period."

"An occasional sprinkle of or dip in the brine cannot produce the necessary transformation. Rather, steady, sustained, and complete immersion is required for the desired change to occur."

"The pickles are packed in canning jars, covered with boiling hot brine, and processed in a boiling-water-bath canner."

"changed from their carnal and fallen state"

"as we are absorbed by and in the gospel of Jesus Christ."

"A cucumber only becomes a pickle through steady, sustained, and complete immersion in salt brine."

"they did fast and pray oft, and did wax stronger and stronger in their humility, and firmer and firmer"

http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-690-8,00.html

Subject:	My favorite line...
Date:	Apr 09 13:43
Author:	NoLihoma

>>"Girls, you're being used--used by the fashion industry to make money. "

So have you been to any of those Mormon Modest Clothing Web sites and seen what they are charging for THAT crap? And what about the cost of Mormon undies? I remember how hard it was to afford that when I was newly married. I wished so badly that I could go to Wal-mart and buy a 99 cent pair of decent-looking undies. Don't tell me that they don't make a profit on those things--that it only covers their overhead, yeah right.

Subject:	Re: Nomination: "The Freudian Couple" award for Elder and Sis Bednar
Date:	Apr 09 14:54
Author:	Frosted Pickle

BEDnar---"...he was disappointed to find two girls with navel rings sunbathing in their bikinis."

Yes, that's true. He was hoping for at least a dozen.

BEDnar---"I loved eating my work!"

I love eating my work, too....."frosted" pickles! Yeehaw!!!

Subject:	Get your amateur Freudian analysis here.
Date:	Apr 09 15:41
Author:	Uncle Mo

> "...issues regarding modesty and dress and grooming have been on the minds of prophets for a long time.

Just like cooking presentation is important. Then comes chow time.

> "We speak often about magnifying the priesthood; tonight we will talk about "reverencing womanhood."

Isn't the root of "reverence" "revere"? Shouldn't it be "revering womanhood"? Too much Primary for this girly I think. Or maybe just "revering women"? Oops, I don't think that matches the agenda here. Best to stick with the Orwellian doublespeak.

> "When Elder Haight visited our campus a few weeks later, they dressed in their Sunday best for his visit."

Yawn. Aren't they always dressed in their "Sunday best" on official business?

> "...he was disappointed to find two girls with navel rings sunbathing in their bikinis."

Oh yes, and he's also gay, did I mention that?

> "Some of the tops you wear show every bump and every curve on your breast."

Too much information. Do I detect some girl-on-girl curiosity here?

> "You need to make sure that when you cross your legs your dress isn't so short that you can see to high heaven! I felt sorry for the priesthood leaders on the stand with me that day because of what those girls revealed."

You can bet 100% of their thoughts were turned toward "high heaven".

> "I sit down in front of the mirror. I cross my legs in front of the mirror. And you have the added luxury of asking your roommates what they can see if you choose to try this suggestion."

You have Heavenly Mother and now you have a Big Sister too (just like Big Brother). No talk is complete without some Orwellian peer scrutiny. After all, the missionaries would have destroyed the Church long ago if they weren't sent out in pairs.

> "I loved eating my work!"

Hmm, words constitute a good deal of this man's work. Let's listen carefully as he prepares the rest of his sumptuous feast.

> "home-canned cherries or peaches"

...as he winks at Sis. Bednar.

> "A pickle is a cucumber that has been transformed"

Please tell us more about how your cucumber has been transformed.

> "my mom always used a recipe she learned from her mother—a recipe with special ingredients and precise procedures"

Now is the time to submit to our "precise procedures".

> "Cucumbers can only become pickles if they are totally and completely immersed in the brine for the prescribed time period."

You must swallow what the Church says hook, line, and sinker.

> "An occasional sprinkle of or dip in the brine cannot produce the necessary transformation. Rather, steady, sustained, and complete immersion is required for the desired change to occur."

That's right folks, the gospel can only be true if you attend all your weekly indoctrination sessions. If you don't come, how can you expect to believe?

> "The pickles are packed in canning jars, covered with boiling hot brine, and processed in a boiling-water-bath canner."

Throw yourself into boiling water. Seems apt.

> "A cucumber only becomes a pickle through steady, sustained, and complete immersion in salt brine."

The goal here: a pickled brain.

> "they did fast and pray oft, and did wax stronger and stronger in their humility, and firmer and firmer"

Firm pickles is where it's at.

Subject:	THANK YOU...I have been holding in the "sometimes a pickle is just a pickle" jokes for awhile.
Date:	Apr 09 15:47
Author:	Punky's Dilemma

ROTFLMAO...I could not *believe* that talk!!

Yes, Mormon folks, that is the message god has sent down to an apostle JUST FOR YOU!!

Pickles.

BE the pickle. LOVE the pickle. GET PICKLED.

You'd think a heavenly mouthpiece would be more judicious with his chosen metaphors. You are a cucumber...Be transformed by the brine of the spirit...

Maybe the General RS Pres needed a good theme for PE nights...

Subject:	That talk made me giggle too!
Date:	Apr 09 16:17
Author:	Susan D.

and all the related RFM "pickle" threads!

I love that moniker "Frosted Pickle". What a blending of two very oddball ideas!

Subject:	quote: "Don't beat around the bush about modesty."
Date:	Apr 09 17:22
Author:	Gillette

That sounds painful. Plucking or shaving or even waxing sounds a little less troublesome.

These two are so incredibly lame and dense that it's hardly any fun to woof on 'em. I suppose that the other GA's (Geriatric A-holes) are under the impression that the Bednars are young and hip and right with it when it comes to communicating with the 23 to 33 crowd.

I think Bro Bednar should work up a weenie talk now that he's worn out his pickle reference. He has a kind of pickle look to him, but he's definitely a weenie at the core.

I do like hot mama Bednar's high heaven reference. How entertainingly lame is that???? I'm sure the target audience is having some fun with that stuff in the privacy of their dorms.

Subject:	The general thrust of those talks offers a very penetrating look at the ...
Date:	Apr 09 18:31
Author:	Moretta

benefits of embracing the gospel. When inspired leaders speak, you can feel the spirit or something come inside of you to work its wonders, touching parts of your soul that previously may have been inaccessible.

The Bednars are truly special people. They each have a deep intimacy with gospel truths and the way that they have serviced the Lord's annointed in the past explains why they are where they are today.

Recovery from Mormonism - The Mormon Church www.exmormon.org

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