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This little poem was inspired
by a thread about Pharisaical nature of modern LDS leaders. (It's not to the
tune of anything, so far as I know.)
We thank Thee, O God, for our policy makers
That’s why we are Mormons, not Lutherans or Quakers
We know it is to our eternal advantage
To have all out thoughts, words and deeds micromanaged
We want to make sure the Lord likes what we’re doing
From eating and dressing to speaking and screwing
Our days are all planned out, each hour and minute
So we won’t be able to fit one sin in it
Which pronouns are proper? Which music accepted?
Should I use my right hand even if it’s infected?
Does God prefer cotton or white polyester?
We can’t let these unresolved issues just fester
Our faces unwhiskered, our toenails unpainted
‘Cause we wouldn’t want the poor Holy Ghost tainted
Our bodies are sacred, so no mutilation
Except for a nose job or breast augmentation
No farewells for elders, no sleep-over parties
No Monday Night Football and nothing too arty
No stained glass, no murals, no frescos or friezes
Just pictures of Joseph and Malibu Jesus
We can’t be alone with the opposite gender
Unless you’re the bishop or some sex offender
On cloning and stem cells and Third World starvation
The Brethren are silent; not one revelation
They swallow a camel but strain at the gnat
So glad to have policy makers for that
We don’t need a sermon, just give us a lecture
How God’s in the details, but not the big picture
The heavens are open, a new dispensation
Of policy statements but no revelations
The prophets don’t prophesy; we should still follow
Our Pharisee leaders. Just send us a memo
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