This is a letter I wrote to my wife who still believes approximately 13 months after I told her I no longer believe and about 8 months after resigning from the church. I believe in makes a fairly good exit story. Note that I have changed all the names except mine at the end:

Dear Sweetheart:

You seem to continually bring up that the reason I don’t believe in the LDS church is because I didn’t want to believe it was true implying that is was because I wanted to sin. This is completely false and I want to put this to rest.

I recognize we have a difficult path. I recognize we have never had an easy marriage. However, I want to be very clear. I would not choose to be married to anyone but you. If I could choose anyone in the world you would be that choice. Would there be someone that would be easier to be married to? - certainly that would be true for both of us. However those people would not be you. You are the one I love. You are the one I want. You are my best friend that I have experienced 18 years with. You are the mother of my children. You are the one who knows me. You are the one I know. You truly are the most beautiful woman in the world in my eyes - nothing will ever change that. I love you completely, fully, deeply. I love all of you, even the parts that are sometimes challenging. You are the most important thing in my life followed by our children. I believe we have the potential for our marriage to be closer and more real and better than it has ever been. Sometimes I feel like we are so close to it being that way that I can almost reach out and touch it. I know the difference in belief is hard for both of us, but on my part it doesn’t have to stop the closeness. I love you deeply and I will do whatever I can figure out to do and whatever I have the will to make myself to do to be as close and near to you as possible. I love you.

I have had some extremely strong spiritual experiences. I had a number as a teenager, but I will start with my mission. When I taught the discussions on my mission I would feel the spirit very strongly. This feeling wasn’t limited to just me. When I would teach the discussion to others they would feel something. There would often be tears. There were times when someone who was just listening in decided to be baptized. There were times when someone who was initially was only slightly interested listened to the discussions; they agreed to be baptized in the first or second discussion because of how strong these feelings were. I had a real gift for speaking with the spirit. The average missionary baptized somewhere around 24 people in our mission – I baptized somewhere around 80. In addition as a zone leader for 14 months I soon developed a reputation for my zone having baptisms. In my final area that had been all zone leaders they had only had a few baptisms in the last year. We had over 20 baptisms in 5 months. This is primarily due to my ability to speak with the spirit, to feel it myself, and to have those who heard what I had to say feel it as well. Suffice it to say I deeply felt and experienced the power of the spirit on my mission.

During my mission I struggled with occasional masturbation the last 18 months of my mission. At first I would confess to my mission president, but for most of the last year I was too embarrassed to say anything to him. However I was able to teach with the spirit arguably more effectively than anyone else in my mission since I had the most baptisms. This was confusing because according to everything we were taught, being unworthy of the spirit I should not have been able to do this. Despite the guilt and shame I felt, and not getting enough help from God to overcome this I felt the spirit richly, deeply and nearly constantly. I didn’t quite understand why it worked that way, but that was what I experienced.

On my mission we had a fairly high concentration of anti-Mormon sentiment. Since the population was somewhere around 30% Mormon, Mormons were well know thus the anti-Mormon movement in the area was fairly aggressive. I was exposed to a fair amount of this simply by nature of being a missionary and being out talking to people. We would occasionally have debates with anti-Mormons. None of these things really bothered me. Most of the stuff was ridiculous and unfounded – or at least so it seemed to me at the time. There would occasionally be something that bothered me a little, but with the constant spiritual experiences they didn’t bother me much.

Often I would later come up with an answer to something that bothered me. I took this as evidence that all of the issues had resolutions – I just didn’t know what they were and I had to be humble and have faith. It was an issue of trusting God with all my heart and not leaning to my understanding. I continued to follow this approach for many years after my mission.

There were a few things that concerned me on my mission. One was the experience of reading the majority of the Old Testament. The scientific problems didn’t bother me too much – I figured that these scriptures were written by people who interacted with God and the Spirit but who didn’t have an accurate understanding of the history of the world. I could get past that fairly easily.

However what really bothered me were the morals. The God of the Old Testament who we are taught is the same today, yesterday and forever didn’t make sense. He would kill people and condone killing people for the slightest offenses. One example that stuck with me was Jacob (Israel) had a daughter who had sex with the leader of a city (it wasn’t completely clear if it was rape.) Jacob then went and made a treaty with this leader so that they would trade with each other. The leader saw this as a great advantage because Jacob was very wealthy. Part of the agreement was that the whole city had to join Jacob’s religion – every male in the city was circumcised. When they were sore from the circumcision, Jacob and his followers went in and slaughtered every adult male in the city, keeping the riches and women for themselves. This is just one of many examples, but was the one that stuck with me the most.

Often God is cited in the Old Testament as telling the people to do things or causing things that were barbaric and evil. The sexual morals were very different than what we believe in today and are often problematic. One example of this is that many places Abraham would go he would say his wife Sarah was his sister and would let the local leader sleep with Sarah to get in good with them. I just kind of ignored these issues and put them to the side.

Another big issue for me was seeing how strongly other people believed in their religions. They had just as much conviction and just as much of a testimony of what they believed as me or any other missionary or Mormon. I often pondered on the thought of how do I know I am the one that is right? Other people believe what they believe just as strongly. We Mormons are in the very small minority of the world and other people believe what they believe just as much. Am I being arrogant to be so sure that what I believe is the truth?

I loved my mission. I felt important and vital. I felt I was making a difference for God and improving other’s lives immensely. Most important I was saving souls. I considered extending my mission a month or two but that would put school off a semester so I decided it was time to come home and move forward with life.

Coming home from my mission was difficult. Even among non-members we were celebrities. They may not like us, but almost everyone was friendly. We were acknowledged by everyone. We waived to and said hi to everyone and they responded. Getting back to the real world was different. At BYU if you waved or said hi to someone they looked at you like you had 2 heads. I found my confidence I had gained on my mission quickly erode with regard to dating. My insecurities from being a teenager quickly returned and I had a hard time believing that a woman would ever be interested in me sexually. Largely due to this lack of confidence, fairly quickly after my mission I had my first real encounters with pornography.

The next year and a half was very difficult. Although I was not temple worthy my testimony continued to be very strong. I had been on a number of first dates but rarely a second. This was primarily because I didn’t have the confidence to believe girls would want to go on a second date. Eventually Beth would talk to me in class and we would play racquetball together. Not long after you asked me out. So here I was going from feeling like a complete failure in dating and worrying that I would never find someone to marry to having two fairly serious prospects.

Despite Beth’s initial interest things were kind of stalling out. Despite initially slowing things down with you because I was afraid you would get hurt I found myself liking you better and better. My last date with Beth all I was thinking about was you and I realized that things were over with her. Ironically I think it was the date where she finally was ready to start opening up and emotionally commit to me. The next day we had our memorable date to temple square and I dramatically started telling you about my date with Beth the previous day and you turned away from me. Then I told you the reason I was telling you about this is that during the date all I could think of was you. You turned back to me and said “really?!?” and from there it was history.

That night or the next I prayed to ask if you were a possibly good match. (After my fiasco as a teenager of getting a strong answer that someone else was the right one for me and making a fool of myself being a stalker to someone who wasn’t interested in me I was a little more careful in how I prayed.) The answer I got was overwhelming. The spirit had rarely felt so strong. I felt an overwhelming strong spiritual prompting that you were the one for me. It was just as strong as what I held felt as a teenager. From that point on I knew I was going to marry you. We had only been on a few dates, but I knew I loved your company, and I knew I wanted to marry you. We had had a difficult engagement and there were multiple warning signs that we were in for a rocky marriage. However, I had had that strong spiritual answer that you were the one so I never gave reconsidering a thought. I loved you and I knew it was right.

Once I started dating you the desire for pornography and masturbation was minimized and easily avoided. The need was gone because I felt wanted and accepted by you. I easily avoided it as you and I dated. You wanted me and that was way better than anything else. I confessed to the bishop and made sure you knew about it and went to the temple fully worthy. I thought now that we were getting married pornography and masturbation troubles were over and we would live happily ever after.

Soon after we were married I discovered that wasn’t the case. You can feel just as rejected or even more rejected married. As I recall the 3rd day of our honeymoon you said you were tired of sex. I was thunderstruck. I was in for the biggest disappointment of my life. Sex in marriage wasn’t what I thought it was going to be especially if you have significantly mismatched libidos. The feelings of rejection and pain were more acute than anything I had experienced when I was single and thought no one would be interested in me. Soon pornography and masturbation became tempting again. Soon I was again involved in them.

Despite this my testimony remained strong for a number of years. However, slowly but surely a host of doubts built up. One was that no matter how hard I tried, no matter how many times I confessed to the bishop, no matter how righteously I lived I couldn’t long term avoid pornography and masturbation. Just as God couldn’t/wouldn’t/didn’t help me stop masturbation as a teenager and as a missionary He couldn’t/wouldn’t/didn’t help me again. This is despite my prayer and pleading and trying and doing everything I could, everything I was taught to try to stop. I would fast. I would pray. I would follow the advice of Boyd K Packer’s pamphlet. Everything I could read. However, the rejection and sadness and hurt always lead me back.

The doubts were not just based on my inability to overcome these things even though I desperately tried to get help from God. Things just didn’t add up. My biggest problem was in reading the scriptures, especially the Book of Mormon. The more I read the more problematic it seemed. So many things didn’t add up right. So many things were impossible. So many things contradicted science and common sense. Likewise the lessons at church had the same problems.

I also began realizing a number of things regarding the spirit. I would still feel it regardless of whether I was in a phase of being worthy or not. I found that I felt it when the situation was emotionally charged, not when truth was taught. I would feel very little at church when the talks were poorly presented. I wouldn’t feel much when the prophet was speaking during general conference. However, when I heard a very well presented talk or read scripture segments that were meaningful to me I would feel the spirit.

If I took the effort to spend a significant amount of time praying I could feel the spirit very strongly. I started noticing a very strong correlation between the emotional state that was set up by someone else or that I set up for myself. I noticed that I could get myself to feel the spirit on demand. I could feel the spirit thinking “the church is not true.”

I started to have some very serious doubts. The more I read the scriptures and attended church the more I was convinced that it couldn’t be true. However, there was a big thing stopping me from dismissing the church as not true. I wasn’t worthy. For years I kept believing and trying to believe because I knew according to the church teaching I was under the power of the devil. I was not capable of having a clear perspective. So despite all the evidence I continued to believe and have faith despite very deep doubts.

I continued to have spiritual experiences. However I shied away from them because I felt guilty – I had been taught since childhood that if you are sinning you are not worthy to feel the spirit and don’t deserve to. However, I continued to have them.

There was a time that I was deeply bothered that the spirit had not prompted any of 6 parents to look in the trunk of their car in their driveway as their 5 pre-schoolers slowly died of the heat. I prayed and felt prompted to look in the Book of Mormon. I randomly opened to the page where Alma and Amulek allowed the women and children to die and the explanation for why God allowed it – it felt like a sufficient answer to the question to me at the time and I felt it was a significant miracle. I felt the spirit fairly often through those years.

You noticed my lack of motivation in church related things and I eventually relayed my doubts to you. There was the fast that you and Bishop Farmer set up (which is rather upsetting in retrospect that you went behind my back to so many family and ward members). You asked me to fast and I did feel something very special that day. Still I had a lot of doubts.

We moved to our current ward and you proceeded with your normal approach of telling people behind my back that I was a doubter. The trek came and you revealed that we were invited to go because the bishop and president Smith hoped it would help me regain a testimony. I really wanted to believe despite being unworthy. I put in extra effort to read the entire Book of Mormon in just 3 weeks before the trek. I ignored the issues and I felt the spirit as I read. I would get sick hiking but still wanted to go.

As you recall I had a very deep spiritual experience including a big improvement in my ability to hike. I felt the spirit consistently and strongly for days. The feeling was so strong I was able to lay all of my doubts aside and just believe wholeheartedly. My ongoing, deepest concern that God didn’t seem to help people was laid to rest. This was the perfect example – why did God let these pioneers make such a bad decision? I had my answer. Those pioneers needed that experience and God only allowed them to suffer because they needed it. In fact he was merciful and intervened to minimize their suffering to the minimum needed. As Come, Come Ye Saints says, those who died were blessed – it wasn’t a tragedy.

However, there was one thing on trek that bothered me deeply – I learned that the expert guide strongly counseled against leaving at that time – however the priesthood leader pulled rank and said that they would be going. The guide fell into line and promised to follow the leader. Had the priesthood leader not been considered to have divine authority to make the decision wiser, more informed heads would have prevailed and the deaths and suffering would have been avoided. This sat in the back of my mind as I saw parallel problems happening with the church today – when the person is charge is representing Christ there is too much power and it is often misused.

The trek experience gave me enough fuel in the tank to have minimal doubts for a couple of months. Even when the doubts returned I relied on those deep feeling I’d had. Besides, you and the bishop and everyone were so happy that I didn’t want anyone to know that within 6 months I was seriously questioning things yet again. Not long after I was occasionally using pornography and masturbation again. I was staying away from it most of the time, but it was there sometimes. It was hard to be motivated when I was so confused about my beliefs – there was a lot of “why does it matter? What does it hurt?” thinking mixed with shame and guilt.

Next came you catching me with pornography. Then came the 12 step program. I was so excited. After 20 years of trying and failing and trying and failing over and over I finally had some real help. The excitement of having something carried me far. We were in a bit of a honeymoon phase in our marriage. Things were good. For the first time in my life I felt I knew how to tap into the power of the Lord. The Lord was carrying me and avoiding masturbation and pornography was almost easy.

I learned something huge in the 12 step program. I learned to let go of the shame and guilt. I had carried shame and guilt nearly consistently for 20 years. Nothing in the church ever helped to lessen or help that. Even when I was clean I knew there was the impending failure. I had spent 20 years feeling like a failure. Finally I had something that allowed me to look at myself as just a person and not demean myself. I also learned a method of truly placing my burdens on the Lord and letting him carry it. Nothing I had experienced in 20 years in the church came anywhere close to being as helpful.

I was doing everything right. I had confessed everything in the past in detail. I had gone through a painful repentance process with strong sanctions. I was attending the temple every week. I was reading my scriptures regularly. I was having meaningful regular prayer. I was serving in the 12 step programming, attending faithfully and working the program.

However, despite all of this, I still continued to have significant doubts. I was living as close to as in line with the gospel as is feasibly possible. Even my thoughts were almost completely pure. Yet still I had major doubts. I was stuck in this odd balance of feeling the strength of the Lord helping me avoid pornography yet things wouldn’t add up. I went back and forth for at least a year between “this must be true” to “this can’t be true.”

I would read my scriptures. However I had a problem. The more I read them the less I could believe them. I had focused on the Book of Mormon and switched to the Doctrine and Covenants. That was even worse. The writings were less than prophetic feeling. The revelations went wrong over and over. How many times could I chalk the problems up to those around Joseph Smith being unfaithful? Why could he never find followers that would stay faithful – why were so many wrong callings given? Why were there so many failures? And so on. I abandoned the D&C partway through and went back to the Book of Mormon.

I went back to reading 1st Nephi. The way it was written and came together bothered me way too much in context of the lost 116 pages. Way too much of 1st Nephi was put together exactly the way it would be put together with someone trying to fill in the gaps instead of an ancient prophet writing a second spiritual record as purported.

The self-explanations of why it was true grated deeply. The dates and thus ages of Jacob, Enos, Jared & Omni didn’t add up – they had to be 60-70 years old when their oldest son was born – any death ages in the Book of Mormon were 60-80 years old. Enos had to be at least 115 when he died assuming Jacob was 75 when he was born. It seemed suspicious that Joseph Smith was adding a placeholder to fill in the lost manuscript to get up to the time of Mosiah and that he hadn’t done his math very carefully. These are a couple of many examples –but these are the ones that kept coming back and weighing on my mind the most.

Then there were the references to the Lamanites being cursed and receiving a dark skin. I also knew the Pearl of Great Price teaches that the blacks have dark skin because they are cursed. Then I would think about what we know from science. Someone exposed to significant sunlight would have an advantage with dark skin. The extra pigment is extra protection. However someone being exposed to less sunlight would have trouble producing enough vitamin D. The American Indians and the native Africans live near the equator. Those with white skin live far away from the equator. Which is the more likely explanation – those who are cursed all live near the equator or those with dark vs. white skin are because of an adaptation based on where they lived? Thinking about this would consistently put me in the “this can’t be true” category.

In parallel to this I continued to struggle with my experiences with the spirit. I recalled the times in my life that a spiritual prompting was wrong. I watched as spiritual promptings failed to come to myself and others that could have significantly improved things or averted tragedy. During this time I had 3 very strong distinct spiritual promptings: 1) I should leave Company A, 2) Doug would not die from his cancer, 3) Fred, our son, would die soon. As you are aware the first prompting was fortuitous despite me moving into a job that hasn’t worked out very well for me. The next 2, as you know, proved to be completely wrong.

I also continued to experiment with my spiritual feelings. I found more and more that I could internally manipulate these feelings. I could also expose myself to things that would manipulate these feelings. One of many tests I did was to go to the temple – fully worthy. Satan could have no influence. I prayed and asked if the church was false. I felt a deep strong spiritual prompting that the church was false. I had many additional experiences of getting mixed messages from the spirit.

At the same time the twelve step program was still going good. I’d been staying clean. The program worked and I felt it was largely due to help from God. So I was deeply conflicted. On one side it seemed like the spirit is an emotion. On the other side I felt I am receiving divine help.

So how did I reconcile this? I have had multiple deep promptings of the spirit throughout my life. However, on the other hand the more I looked at things in the church the less they added up. I went back and forth in my mind for months. It was a real struggle. However as time went on I gradually found myself more and more leaning towards the “it can’t be true” side. I could see plausible reasons why that strength and those feelings were coming from inside of me. I found it less and less plausible that the Book of Mormon is true and that the feeling of the spirit is a reliable indicator of truth.

Then Doug died of cancer. One of my most distinct spiritual promptings was clearly wrong. The multiple other wrong promptings come back to memory. It becomes more and more rare that I thought “this must be true” and more and more common that I thought “this can’t be true.”

Eventually I hit the point that I never went back to thinking “this must be true.” I don’t remember the exact time it happened. However, this is the important part. It happened when I was doing everything right. I was attending the temple weekly. I was fully worthy to do so. If anything I delayed this decision for years because I felt I was unqualified to make this decision. This was no longer the case. I wanted to believe. I needed to believe. I did everything I should to believe. I couldn’t believe.

For a time I thought the best path was just to pretend that I believed and spare you the pain and difficulty of not knowing. In parallel to this our marriage was getting worse and worse for me. At first you were happy when I started the 12 step program. However over time you became more and more bitter. Sex became more and more emotionally painful for both of us. You felt like you had to have sex with me to prevent a relapse. Even though I tried not to pressure you, you felt constantly pressured. You dripped with resentment. I felt it constantly. I literally felt like a knife was stabbed into my chest. You started 12 step. For a time it helped – much of the bitterness decreased. However, over time it continued to increase. The sadness and anger of the women first coming seemed to fuel your anger towards me. Stories of relapses by other women’s husbands increased your fear. The resentment grew. The pain for me grew. The feeling of rejection was beyond anything I had ever known.

I eventually decided I had 3 choices: leave you, suicide or masturbation/porn. I was fairly seriously considering suicide but I decided I might as well go with porn/masturbation temporarily. If I had continued to believe and avoid porn/masturbation I would have either divorced you or committed suicide. This is the truth – this is where I was at. This is important – there is already a fair amount of time after the last time I felt “this must be true.” My significant doubts had resumed well before you started getting extremely bitter and resentful.

So now I was at a place where I no longer believed and I was involved in porn. Surprisingly I was much happier than I had been for many years. I was deeply sad about the state of our marriage and it pained me greatly. However I emotionally disengaged from that. Through 12 step I had learned to let go of the shame and guilt. I was living the only plausible path that I could see. I had tried everything else. I continued to be a good father and to try to be as good of a husband as I could be.

As I let things go, you felt less and less pressure from me. Our relationship slowly started to heal. I slowly reengaged emotionally. My plan at this point was just to never tell you and to go through the motions forever. I didn’t want to hurt you and if I am perfectly honest I didn’t want the fallout. There were a number of reasons this was difficult. I had to accept a call as Elder’s Quorum President that I didn’t want. This was further evidence to me that the spirit was fallible – I should not have been called to that calling if it was inspired – I was neither worthy nor a believer. I had to try to do my calling right even though I didn’t believe. I had to try to appear as if I believed even though I had no motivation. I had the conflict of being disingenuous with you.

As time went on I read some things online that suggested not telling your spouse in this type of situation is a bad idea. To my surprise nearly all the online commenters agreed – usually no one can agree.

I heard more and more comments around the ward about me being the next bishop. I thought how could I do that calling not believing? I had times where my current calling was very uncomfortable not believing. I worried what if my children are in this situation and they don’t realize they can talk to me?
Ultimately our relationship was doing very well. Things were better and closer than they had been for a long time. I felt like I couldn’t continue to keep up a pretense that was making the marriage not real. I thought about telling you for a couple months.

In the meantime I started to research things online. I was trying to give it one more chance to find something that would help me believe. I was shocked and surprised how one sided the evidence was. I found more and more and more evidence that I was right.

Eventually I got the courage up to tell you. My intent was to remain active in the church. You knew I had doubts before. Based on the previous experience I was shocked at how you reacted. You were so upset. I was feeling closer and more in love with you than I had for years. You were so sure I was leaving you. I was giving it time – it was OK at first but it got harder as time went on.

I emailed the bishop to tell him I didn’t believe, but that I could be faithful. I was called in for an appointment. I was shocked at how hostile he was. I know you don’t really believe me how awful it was. I had gone in early to enter the home teaching reports. He had changed the passwords on the computer to make sure I didn’t have access. He refused to shake my hand. His body language was stiff. He grilled me and drilled me and demeaned me. He accused me of multiple things that were not true. He spent a significant portion of the interview stating in different ways that you wouldn’t want to stay married to me as a non-believer. At the end as I was leaving he spent 30 seconds making some pretense of being kind and saying it doesn’t change how he feels about me and my family and shook my hand goodbye. I was never comfortable around him – I now absolutely hate being in the presence of his scowling face. After spending years in meetings with him I know this man’s heart. He is dedicated and a hard worker. He is not a kind or nice person. One thing that stuck with me in the interview is that he very strongly stated that it wasn’t doing you or me any good for me to be involved in the church if I didn’t believe it.

From there I kept going to church for a while. I continued to read and study. The evidence I found was shockingly one sided now that I was looking at it objectively. As I continued to study I slowly began to realize that the church was not a good organization that was just false. I realized the harm it has done to me and others.

A big turning point to me was reading the details of the women Joseph Smith married and/or proposed to. I read the letters of anguish of the man who pleaded for his wife to come back to him. I read of a 14 year old girl who had her youth robbed of her and bemoaned being lonely and not getting to go out and dance with the other kids because she was secretly married to Joseph Smith. I read about how Joseph married two teenage sisters and when Emma found out a few months later he divorced them with a handshake. They never saw him again in the next few months of his life. I read how a 15 year girl stayed up all night crying when after putting off Joseph Smith for months he told her that she needed to decide if she would marry him by the morning – with a threat of heaven of hell resting on her decision. I read how Joseph Smith publicly preached against polygamy while secretly practicing it.

I read an article on Fair where a BYU professor admits that there is significant documentation to irrefutably prove Joseph Smith was married to at least 8 of the 11 claimed women who are married to other men. I read the hollow explanation of why it was what God wanted. There is no doubt that documentation exists because even those who strongly argue the church is true readily admit that these things are historical fact.

This was the turning point for me that I shifted to the church being an organization that was something bad that I didn’t want to be associated with. Joseph Smith’s abuse of power and actions disgusted me and I wanted to be separated from that.
I continued to read and understand the details of what the church has historically done to hurt and discriminate against blacks. I came to understand the distinct sexism both historically and currently against women. I read many accounts of women today who have felt like second class citizens. The obedience to husbands, the push to get married young and have children early, the women who want to be sealed to their second husband but can’t get a temple divorce where men have no such problem, the fight against the equal rights amendment, and so on.

I read of atrocities committed by local leaders. I came to understand that with the emphasis on sustaining the leaders that there is no reasonable appeal when a leader abuses their power – especially a bishop.

Here are two of many examples. A woman was raped her freshman year of college. She went to the bishop weeping. She was mortified. She couldn’t say anything. Finally the bishop asked if she had had sex. She nodded yes through her tears. She was disfellowshipped for 2 years. In another case a 15 year old was raped by a relative. She was told by her young women leaders and bishop that she was largely at fault for not fighting to the death. She was told that she was now a licked cupcake and not worthy priesthood holder would want her.

I then realized the harm that the church had done to me. I had spent 20 years thinking of myself as a failure and horrible. I was doing things that nearly 100% of boys do. I felt shame and isolation and guilt. Everything I did and experienced in the church reinforced this. I was taught that any success I had was meaningless if I ever made a mistake again and that all of the repentance and effort was completely meaningless. I do credit the church with getting me into the 12 step program where I was able to begin to learn go overcome this shame – they at least didn’t ruin the program they adopted.

I have long understood the demands the church puts on time and money. I understand that this was a big factor of my dad being absent from our home – I can’t blame them completely – he likely would have found another excuse to be gone.

As you were ready for it I slowly distanced myself more and more from the church. I quit wearing garments. I continued to attend church – at least sacrament meeting and gospel doctrine. I could feel your resentment and anger that I didn’t attend Elder’s Quorum. I quit paying tithing. A couple of months later, you were ready for it and I resigned.

I continued to go to sacrament meeting and sometimes gospel doctrine with you. It became more and more painful. The teachings are ridiculous – there are holes everywhere. The comments are inane. I made an occasional comment to you pointing out issues which upsets you – my thoughts and opinions were not wanted.

Many of the talks were arrogant and judgmental. Finally our son had some normal issues with pornography and masturbation. He doesn’t want to hear what I have to say – the indoctrination is too deep. The need for the tenuous acceptance from his mother is too strong. By making him feel like he is put in the middle I just make him feel worse and more guilty. So I watch as the cycle continues and I see the church attempt to destroy his self-esteem and worth as it did mine.

I decided I will no longer be associated with such a harmful thing in any way. I told you I will no longer be attending. Now I have to deal with the resentment and bitterness you show towards me every Sunday.

Now I watch how this church continues to hurt others. I see a church that teaches that public shaming is OK. That sexism is OK. That discrimination against gays is OK. That not allowing family members to attend weddings is OK. That giving a local leader way too much power with no reasonable appeal is OK – and it is often abused. That judging others is OK. That dismissing someone as inferior and a sinner because they don’t accept the “truth” is OK. That lying to someone about the reason for their visiting teaching assignment is OK. That judging someone who does a lot of service in the community but doesn’t put a high priority in visiting teaching is OK.

I watch how the church engenders a huge us vs. them mentality. The superior, arrogant, we have the truth and feel sorry for everyone else attitude is consistently reinforced. The attitude that if you have doubts there is something wrong with you is consistently reinforced. The - we feel sorry for everyone else who has an inferior belief system is consistently reinforced. The church teaches its members to believe they are loving towards the sinners, the gays, the outsiders, etc. It’s not love – it’s condescending – it’s patronizing. There is a big difference between love and looking down on others.

So here we are, you still acting judgmental and grumpy towards me for not participating and believing in something that frankly is a harmful hurtful organization – I know you are light years away from being able to recognize it that way.

I pay a price. I am isolated. I am out of place in my own home. I am out of place in my marriage. I am out of place with my children. I am out of place in my neighborhood. I am out of place with my immediate family. I am out of place with your family. I am luckier than most from what I have read – I have been treated quite well by all. However I am still looked at with pity and off the path. I am the one who has had the integrity and mental acuity to look at it objectively and to realize the actual truth. Yet I am the one who is the outcast that everyone feels sorry for and sad for because I am in the grips of Satan.

I recognize the price you would have to pay to stop believing. I recognize they have a pretty good story about it being true especially when you read things from people who spend their whole lives and get paid a lot of money to prop it up. I recognize that it is the very center of what you have learned you are. I recognize the fear of not having the pattern to follow. I recognize the social and familial cost. I recognize fearing those things when what you have works pretty well for you for the most part – you feel fairly content and happy so why fix what isn’t broken? I recognize the deep spiritual feelings that give comfort and direction. I miss many of these things myself. I am often wistful for being a part of it all and not being on my own. I sometimes miss the simple comfort of sitting in the church pews or in the temple. I am sad that I will never sit in the Celestial Room holding your hand ever again.

I can accept that it is difficult to look at the facts and details objectively. I can accept that you feel you have your answer and are comfortable in your faith.

However I cannot accept you being judgmental towards me. I cannot accept you showing jealousy of my brother and his wife who believe it wholeheartedly and have custom forever family mission statements on their wall. I cannot accept you going behind my back and presenting to others that my lack of belief is because of my unrighteousness and is unfounded – and you owe me a huge apology for how you have cast me to my family, your family, and a number of friends.

I am not wrong. I have had every spiritual experience you have had just a strongly. However I have also studied and learned much more. I am the one standing from the position of strength – I have all of the information and experiences you have and much more. The reason for my loss of belief is not because I was sinning or because I was wanting to sin. The reason is because I followed what is taught in the Doctrine & Covenants to study it out in my mind and pray about it. Every time I tried to believe it I experienced a stupor of thought.

However, now that I have determined it is false I feel the burning in my bosom that is described. I tell you right now with complete conviction that I truly feel the spirit as strongly as I ever have that I know that the Mormon church is not true. I continuously have spiritual feelings and promptings despite no longer having the gift of the holy ghost according to the LDS church. I know where that feeling comes from – a personal conviction that what I believe is the truth – a meeting of what I feel in my heart and what I know in my mind. I have that feeling now because I have that conviction.

Love,
Brian



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/09/2012 09:25AM by bc.