I was a convert to the church, an only child of divorced parents who dreamed of being part of a big family. When my mother started dating a mormon and we visited his church, it was like I had realized a dream. I was 14 years old and totally impressed. Later, I attended BYU and married a returned missionary who was abusive and unfaithful to me. What an awful experience. I ended up a single mom but still I clung to the notion that "the church is true" and that it was my ex-husband's sins that had caused me to suffer, not anything to do with the church. Years later, I realized that being a member of the church caused me to turn off my brain. I was encouraged to be obedient at all costs and not think for myself. I didn't realize the price of being disconnected from myself and it took years for me to understand the role that church culture played in this. I ended up marrying again but this time, I found a great guy. He was a member of the church but he didn't take it very seriously like my first husband had (at least until he began seducing girls from the local high school). We had more children and I ended up with the family that I had dreamed of. There was only one problem -- I was not happy. There was a lot of fighting between the children, short tempers by parents, lack of involvement and working too much by my husband, and burn out from staying at home on my part. My husband and I continued to be active in the church but it seemed to make our family lack of happiness worse, not better. Death by boredom. My husband and I finally admitted to each other that we were feeling spiritually dead. I left and began looking for spiritual nurturance elsewhere. He stayed and took the kids for a while but they eventually fell away. There was simply no point. Now that my kids are mostly grown, I have no regrets. Our oldest child is gay and very grateful that we left the church. The middle child became a Buddhist and the youngest is still searching for her truth. My husband and I joined a faith that is more in line with our beliefs -- we are encouraged to follow our consciences and be kind to others. No more feeling superior to others because we don't drink coffee or wine, no more obsessing over Sabbath rules or wearing of garments. I am free and at peace and we have the love, spontaneity, and joy that I always dreamed on in our family!! Leaving was the best decision I ever made.

Now I work and we share the financial burden of supporting the family. What a burden it was to be told how to live my life. I am much closer to God now that I make my own decisions using the mind that God gave me and paying attention to what my kids need, not trying to make them into some cookie-cutter ideal. My husband has discovered meditative yoga and he truly has become a deeply spiritual man, full of patience and insight. It is so odd to me that according to my ward members, we are "listening to Satan" or some nonesense. Christ gave us the best way to know truth from fiction -- by their fruits, ye shall know them. The fruits of Mormonism was spiritual death and in leaving, I am re-born. I'm so, so thankful!!!!