I have wondered if posting my story on a board like this would be a good idea, but I finally decided the risks are worth taking if I can help just one person by sharing my personal experience. Maybe thats wishful thinking, but so many members of this board have helped me in a myriad of ways and i would like to contribute a small portion of myself for those who are struggling with Mormonism.

I was born into Mormonism and have a heritage that goes to the very roots of its beginnings. My childhood was easy and happy. I did all that was required of me and I did it well. I am a people pleaser, not a leader, and I pleased everyone I came into contact with. I was baptized at 8, paid a full tithing until I was 29, didn't date until I was 16 and only then kept myself "pure and chaste" until my wedding night. I was honest, true, chaste, benevolent, and virtuous. I lived Mormonism and it defined who I was as a person. If one were to ask me back then who I was I would have told them "I am Heather and I am a Mormon."

I loved seminary and never had a bad experience in the 4 years I was involved with it. I enjoyed every single seminary teacher I had and looked forward to the hour each day when I could go learn about church history and the "Lord." I attended all of the early morning testimony devotionals and I had even been asked to give a talk at one during my senior year. I talked about dressing modestly, which I always did.

I enjoyed Young Women's and was a class president for every class I was in. I completed every goal I set and achieved my Young Womanhood Recognition Award. Like I said, I was Mormonism to a tee. It was who I was. I lived it, breathed it, never questioned its authenticity, and would have sacrificed everything for the church.

I graduated from High School and continued my education. During that time I took institute, was on the institute council and was a very active member of a local singles ward. In the singles ward one of my callings was to help with the singles ward dances. This is where I met my husband. We dated one month, became engaged and were married 9 months later. I was 19 and he was 20. He was an early returned missionary, never made it out of the MTC, but was still "temple worthy". We married in our local temple and started our lives together and the church was just as a part of our relationship as we were to each other.

I remember telling my husband early on in our marriage that there was no room for questioning, going in active, or leaving the church. I told my husband that if he were to ever do any of those mentioned, I would be done with our relationship. His reply was something I will never forget..."you would leave me when I needed you the most?" I was totally embedded in the Mormon way of thinking and it encompassed who I was. Looking back now I hate myself for being so self centered, shallow, naive, brainwashed, controlled, etc. I wish I could go back and undo the fear and anxiety I caused my husband, but all I can do is learn from past mistakes.

Fast forward 10 years, several kids, a mortgage, and a career later.

Our little family was invited to a holiday dinner party and we were headed to it one evening. My husband turned to me and told me he couldn't keep it a secret anymore. It was then that he told me he no longer believed in the church. He didn't think Joseph Smith was a "true" prophet, he didn't think that there was a true church, he didn't believe in priesthood power, he didn't believe in any of it. I made a decision not to freak out on him, I had to keep our relationship civil because now I had to bring my husband back to the church and prove to him just how wrong he was. I never breathed a word about this to anyone. The last thing I wanted was a ton of family drama towards my "failed" non believing husband, so we dealt with everything between the two of us.

The next six months my husband and I had several random discussions about his doubts and unbelief's. I would ask him about a subject and he would tell me honestly how he felt and about what he knew and I would excuse it and rationalize it, I was pretty much making stuff up. We were still active in our ward, we each had callings and were still paying a full tithe. We had even attended the temple several times during this six months, as I thought he would feel the "spirit" and change his mind. He never did.

After that first six months I was grabbing for excuses and was at a loss for some of the information he had given me. Polyandry? What? Peep Stone and a hat? What? So I told him to just lay everything he had read and learned about out to me. I felt that if we got all of the ugly out on the table we could start over from the beginning and work our way back to being the perfect Mormon believing couple. I had seen many friends and family go through counseling and one thing that many of them did was work through the deepest and darkest parts of their lives for them to fully heal. This was my approach. I knew we would solve his problem and we would be stronger for it. After I told him to tell me everything he then said that he wouldn't "sugar coat" anything. He would tell me the truth and not hold anything back. I agreed.

I stopped believing in Mormonism within a month.

That was 3 years ago and we are still married. We have a beautiful family and have a new set of friends who share our "un" belief with us. We live in a very Mormon community and interact with members daily. My husband is employed by Latter Day Saints and most of our family are fervently faithful in the organization. We have come a long way in this short time, but I have never been happier. I have let go of so many restrictions and limitations that I feel like I can finally become the person I need to be. Relationships with family and some friends have been damaged and may not ever be repaired, but I have finally accepted this and can move on. Through this exit process I am becoming a stronger person and will eventually figure out what to say when someone asks me who I am. I no longer depend on an organization to define me and my beliefs. I define who I am and what I believe on my own terms.

I don't regret being raised as member or holding to the standards I was taught. I don't regret marrying my husband or regret his search for truth. I don't regret getting married young or having several children. I am not angry at Mormonism, and i don't wish ill on those who are still involved in it. The only thing I regret is not feeling like I was my own person and feeling that I was not a valuable human being. I still struggle with bouts of low self esteem and I have to constantly tell myself I am important. This is what I regret but at least I can raise my kids in an environment where they are valued and appreciated for who they are and how authentic each of them can be.

I came out to "everyone" via FB and my blog. Some of the feedback from coming out has been negative and I knew it would be, it comes with the territory. But the majority of the feedback has been very positive and many people have also outed themselves to me or have come to me letting me know how brave I am for getting my story out there. I may not be a leader, but leaving the church has taught me how to be my own person for the first time in my life.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/17/2011 10:44AM by heather.