Looking back on my thirteen years of education, I remember growing up with my two sisters until I was eight years old, and then growing up with just one until my freshman year. I remember making friends, and losing them, moving a numerous amount of times, and having backyard barbecues. I remember having hardships and struggles throughout the years with family, friends, school, work, and just life in general. And I remember growing up in the church that I have gone to since I was just a baby, living my life according to their beliefs and standards, forming who I am today and why I made the decision to open my mind and think for myself, all on the road to becoming an adult.
I believe in researching things before you take someone’s word for it. After being told that I’m so gullible, I took it as an opportunity to make myself better. Being gullible is a weakness, but like all weaknesses, they can become strengths, and are easily fixed.
I grew up in the Mormon Church. I was a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, as you’re urged to call it in every setting, especially with non-members, so that they know you believe in Jesus, as said in the name.
Every Sunday, each member was required to go to church and take part in a three hour long meeting dived in three parts. The first meeting was in the chapel where you listened to the Bishop, the head of the church, give ‘ward’ (the area you live in that designates at what time you meet) business discussions, and listen to other members of the church give ‘talks’, or speeches on the weekly assigned topic. A prayer is said in the beginning and end of this meeting, along with songs in between speakers, and in the middle of ‘Sacrament Meeting’, which is what the first part of church is called, ‘Sacrament’ is held, where the boys over 14 administer the passing of bread and water throughout the rows of pews. The second part of church was with your age group, where you had a group lesson with both boys and girls. And lastly, the third part of church was where you meet with the Young Men’s group, Young Women, Relief Society, or the Elder’s Quorum, depending on your age and gender. Or if you have been assigned a ‘calling’, a ward job, you could be teaching a class, be in the nursery, the library, or some other position that the ward leaders have assigned you, and “carefully prayed about”.
I began to have a lot of questions throughout my childhood since my family were considered ‘converts’ to the church, or new members who were recruited by those missionaries dressed in a white shirt and black slacks riding bikes armed with a bible in their backpack along with “The New Testament of Jesus Christ: The Book of Mormon,” that will continuously knock on your door until you ward them off by doing some obscene thing such as watching an R-rated movie, running around naked in your front yard, or blasting death metal at the loudest setting. Heaven forbid!... (That’ll make them run). I didn’t have any answers since my parents weren’t too heavily involved in church activities, and didn’t teach us about any church related things at home, except praying before dinner and having occasional discussions about church. Other kids my age who were heavily involved in church understood everything a lot better since their parents probably grew up in the church themselves, so they got a better taste of information than I was able to grasp.
In the LDS church, there are a lot of strict rules and guidelines you are supposed to follow. Most Mormons that you find are really kind, loving people with huge families and a big heart, taught good values and strive to live by them each day. When the ‘prophet’ gives his ‘talks’ at ‘general conference’, held at Salt Lake City, Utah, AKA Mormonville, USA, his words are taken seriously. If he says “don’t drink caffeine,” you heed his warnings and don’t drink caffeine! If he says “marry more than one wife!” you just go ahead and marry as many wives as your little heart desires! Because of course, it is the prophet’s word, and whatever he says, you are supposed to follow, and never question it.
Still questioning the ways of the church but disregarding any thought I had in the back of my head since you were supposed to have ‘faith’ and ‘trust in the lord’, I continued on with my life and kept busy with school and other important things. I didn’t want to be known as a sinner for disbelieving. This led to personal prayer, as suggested by the church when you have a problem. “Always refer to prayer, and the Lord will guide you in your decision,” is the usual response by leaders when you are questioning something such as the validity of the church. This never made any sense to me though, since all religions pray about guidance and receive the answer that their church is true, and what is faith without a little bit of pure logic? Nothing, I do believe...more of the sign of a cult who doesn’t want you to find out buried history.
As I began researching the church, in secret of course fearing that my parents and family would shun me in a way or think I’m going down ‘the wrong path’, I found many negative stories of the first church leaders. I found things that completely discredit the Book of Mormon, which is the almighty keystone of the church, and without it, the church would be nothing but a grain of salt floating in the wind, with people struggling to hold on as it flew beyond their grasps. I found very controversial information, contradictions, lies upon lies upon lies, deceit, and an overall shock and awe of disbelief forming in my own eyes.
Struggling to weigh the facts against the doctrine I grew up believing in, researching heavily for all of my high school years, and then seeing my sister go from heavily anti-church to heavily indoctrinated with Mormon material and going as far as moving to Mormonville itself, I cut off all ties with the church. I began a search for truth, and a search for my own soul and who I really was. People can believe what makes them happy, but I believe in facts and logic. This church was no more than lie upon lie and a fairytale fantasy land, brainwashing innocent and ignorant people wanting to find a bright light at the end of the tunnel so they can lead happier lives, to give them hope and a sense of well-being.
The truth of the matter is, with the rise of the internet and how it connects people from all over the globe, church membership is actually declining rapidly each year, and the membership that the church counts is a collection of even the ‘inactive members’ who have failed to remove their membership since it is such a long process, and others who aren’t even that active in the church, only going maybe a few times a month, and disregarding the ward activities. From a recorded 14 million members worldwide, there are an estimated only 4 million active members, and a declining increase of membership lowering each year around 3-5 percent.
I am happy to know that I am free now. I am happy to know that I can think freely within my own mind, make my own choices, and create my own ideas. This makes me a better person, and I am thankful for the intuition and questioning I did within my childhood and teenage years, creating a new mindset and a greater outlook on my life. I am free, an individual, and no religion, or cult, will tell me that I am not just that. I am Emily Morgan, and I am an Ex-Mormon.