I am a female , age 58, of pioneer heritage. I am a mother and grandmother
of a large TBM family of 28 in total, with 2 more grand babies on the way. I
originally left the church in May of 2007. At that time I told my Bishop about
my 5 yrs. of extensive study from ONLY sources I knew were church
approved; we owned the Journal of Discourses and Joseph Smith's History
of the church, 7 volumes, which I read much of. Also, other books I got at
Deseret Book, and at the very least I made sure each book received a
good/positive overall review by FARMS or FAIR. Todd Compton's Book, "In
Sacred Loneliness " fell into this latter category. I had never gone on line
during those 5 yrs. for studying church history/doctrinal issues , because I
then believed what was online was anti-mormon (of the devil) and therefore
would be untrue, and I was broken hearted when I came to the absolute
conclusion that I had been lied to and deceived for all the years of my very
active TBM life.

Most prominent for me among the many disturbing issues I discovered on my
journey out of Mormonism were:
#1- Joseph lying to Emma about taking other wives ( ex: the true story of the
Partridge Sisters, and how he had to marry them twice because he lied to
Emma the first time; it was just so very sickening to me.)
#2- POLYANDRY, the practice of marrying other men's wives while the
women were yet married and remained married to their original husbands,
and polygamy, esp. in regard to taking very young wives such as Helen Mar
Kimball, and the way in which he used threats and bribes to accomplish his
purposes: " If you do as I say I promise you and your entire family eternal
exaltation in the CK, and if you do not as I command you, you shall be
damned eternally and I will be slain by an angel with a flaming sword". Also,
that JS had absolutely NO regard for civil marriage or divorce was very
troubling to me. If a woman joined the church back then, she would just
marry one of the LDS men, with no need to divorce her previous husband,
and then if she should desire to marry someone different in the church, as
long as he held a higher priesthood and agreed to the marriage, the
marriage was performed with no divorce required from the former husband.
And #3- the complete and ridiculous fabrication of the BOA, termed a
translation.

There were also the facts of Joseph being a money digger for many, many
years and learning that he actually used that same stone in the hat method,
with the very same stone that he used for treasure seeking, for his supposed
translation of the BOM. Anyone can look up the Bainbridge trial of 1826 in
which he was tried and convicted of fraud for "glass looking,"and charged, I
believe, $2.76. One must ask oneself, what would a prophet of God be
doing digging for money ( which, by the way, he never found, but accepted
good sums of money for his attempts from innocent victims ) in 1826, almost
EXACTLY half way between his supposed first vision ( of which there are
many versions, and of which the early converts NEVER heard a word ) and
the restoration of the church?

I will just mention one other thing that troubled me deeply, as there were so
very many issues. JS was simultaneously, Prophet of the Church, Mayor of
Nauvoo, Head of the Nauvoo Militia, running for President of the U. S., and
had proclaimed himself King of the Kingdom of God on Earth. This speaks to
some sort of serious personality disorder, like megalomania or some type of
God complex. He was obviously a very power hungry individual, to say the
least. At one point he boasted to his peers that he had done more than Jesus
Christ, even, in that his followers had not all left him as Christ's had. I found
these words of his in the Journal of Discourses. I could hardly believe what I
was reading.

During these years of intense study, I spent several hours with 4 different
institute teachers at the University of Utah, probing them for reasonable
answers to every single one of these issues I have mentioned here that
troubled me, and many more, as the list seems endless. Each and every
time my answer was the same: that yes, these things I had discovered were
indeed true, and had happened, but that they were NOT things the church
ever taught or spoke about, in any way, to the general membership of the
church. I was encouraged by each of them to just put these things on some
kind of mental shelf, and not worry about them, to not let them affect my faith
or testimony in any way; they assured me all things would be answered to
my satisfaction in the next life. I found their words hollow and in no way
reassuring.

Married young, in the temple, to an eventually highly educated and
successful man, we had 5 children by the time I was 28, which we were
basically commanded to do at our marriage ceremony performed by
Hartman Rector Jr. in 1970 in the SLC temple. As my then husband
continued his education, and our family quickly grew, we always paid a full
tithing (on the gross) plus a 5 % budget assessment (also on the gross), for
many of those years. As a consequence, we pretty much lived from
paycheck to paycheck for the first 15 years of our marriage. I remember
when my husband was in the bishopric the first of two times, we were called
in and asked how much we could contribute, in addition, to the building of
the Jordan River Temple, to which we committed, and paid, our entire life
savings of $1400.00. I also remember being the only ones in our moderate
neighborhood that could not seem to afford to put in a lawn. But I was a very
sincere and devout believer, and we were in total agreement about these
things, even though it was very difficult financially trying to raise 5 children
on so little. I have specific memories like worrying about how I would
ever come up with $2 for a pair of tights for my little girls bare legs on
Sunday's in the cold of winter. But I knew the Lord would provide, and
somehow we got by.

I held many church positions, bore my testimony regularly, and thus
indoctrinated my 5 children into the faith, probably better than most - into" the
one and only true church on the face of the earth".

The only time in the early years of my marriage that I ever remember
doubting was in my mid 20's when, for the first time, I read the D and C from
cover to cover. I was astonished at what I was reading. It was as if Joseph
was sitting there in an easy chair talking with God, telling him of all his
concerns and problems in the early church, and then how every answer he
gave unto himself in the name of God was exactly as he obviously wanted
things to be. I found it completely unbelievable that the God of the
Universe would speak with him about particular individuals and their day to
day issues and problems and sins, calling each one by their earthly names.
It seemed totally ridiculous to me. I told my husband at that time that I could
NEVER believe in that book, and would never read it again, and I did not.
Then I just mentally shelved it and went on with my very TBM narrow-
minded but contented life.

All 5 of my children are now temple married and my 3 sons served
honorable missions. Over the years, events took place which caused me to
doubt momentarily. For example: one of my son's was told he should then
prepare for a mission in his patriarchal blessing which he did not receive
until he was nearly 22, and the three of us (he, my ex, and I) cried with joy
all the way home, but when the blessing came in the mail, that entire part
had been deleted- there was absolutely not one word about serving a
mission! I immediately called the stake patriarch, who proceeded to explain
to me that when the blessings are printed out, he is sometimes inspired to
say something a little differently (or not at all, I guess) . I was not satisfied
with this answer and made an appointment to see the Stake President, and
that is where I found my answer. He told me that he felt it best that this boy
just move on with his life and not serve a mission, even after telling my son
month after long month that he was still thinking about it, that maybe my son
could serve a mission after all, since his life had been completely in order for
nearly a year by this time, but he would never give him a definite " yes" or
"no". He then told me that several boys he had sent into the mission field,
who had previously had problems similar to those of my son, had been sent
home early and that it really reflected poorly upon HIM, so he would just
rather not let boys like mine go at all. I became upset at that point, and told
him that it was not about HIM, but about my boy who I found alone crying
often, and whom I was worried may be suicidal; that I had a severely
depressed young man at home, with absolutely no social life, and that he
needed to give him a definite answer within the next couple of weeks, either
"yes" or "no". He agreed and in about one week he called my son in and
announced that the GA ( Pres. Groberg ) whom he had spoken to about my
son had told him, after learning the details of the situation, to "get that boy
out of here and into the mission field." He did go and serve a remarkable
and honorable mission. But I came to believe through this experience that
Stake Presidents somehow review patriarchal blessings that are given
before they are sent out to the individual; of that I am pretty sure. Before that
time, I had " somehow" been under the illusion that these blessings came
straight from the Lord.

My husband and I separated over the summer of 2007, because of the
conclusions I had come to, which he felt he just could not live with, but by the
end of the summer we decided to try once again and I moved home. I bought
new temple garments, and tried to attend church, which were his two main
concerns, but I just could not bear it , and became terribly depressed. I had
no interest in really living anymore, and I found myself attending church
less and less, which made him very unhappy. We could see eye to eye on
nothing, it seemed. This went on for about another year, and then we
decided it would be best to divorce, which we did in Nov. of 08. The truth is,
we had never had a great marriage, because we married young, did not
know each other well, and had nothing in common but the church. Also , I
had poured my life into my children and he into his work, as so often is the
case. However, this I know: we did make it almost 39 yrs., and we would
have made it to the very end had it not been for the constant strain caused
between us, because of the church refusing to be completely honest and
forthright about their history and ever changing doctrines.

It was an obstacle we could not overcome, and the day came when we
knew we could no longer live together. As I have thought about what
happened to us, and probably has to many other couples as well, I have
become aware of this fact: when one person is eventually able to see the
truth behind all of the lies, while at the same time others seem blind to it, it
has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with intelligence. My ex-husband and
all three of my sons have doctorate degrees, my 2 daughters are well
educated and married to successful attorneys, and in no way do any of them
see what I see, or even want to hear about it. Not only do they believe I am
completely in the wrong, but I think most of them think that Satan has some
kind of power over me, which is exactly what the Mormon church
indoctrinates them to believe. They are afraid to let me be alone with their
children, in fact I have been forbidden by some of them, which is very hurtful,
as I have always respected their wishes in this area ( to not ever discuss my
beliefs or lack thereof in front of their children).

Leaving the Mormon church took more courage than I ever thought I had,
but in the end I really had no choice: my integrity demanded that I be true to
myself by leaving and explaining to each of my children, as gently as I could,
that I am no longer a believer. It was the only choice I could make and live.
The road has not been easy, and I have shed thousand's of tears, but still I
remain 100% sure of and grateful for the decision I made to leave the
controlling, dishonest , and brainwashing institution of Mormonism that
persists in hiding, rewriting, white washing, covering up and even changing
the history and doctrines that lie at the very foundational level of their church,
a process that continues right down to the current day. I resent the way in
which the Mormon church controls their members through guilt and shame,
and makes them feel, no matter how hard they try, that they will never be
perfect enough. I am grateful for the peace of mind, in spite of the sorrow, I
have received for being true to myself in the end.

My TBM mother is also horrified about the decision I have made, and
mentions every time I see her that I made a huge mistake that I will someday
regret, but I just try to ignore her. She would never listen to my side, so I do
not even try to go there with her. I am learning much patience through this,
the biggest trial of my life, and there certainly have been significant others. In
truth, my divorce was almost nothing in comparison to my leaving the LDS
church, and I have learned that I am a strong, independent, and intelligent
woman. It has all been so very worth it to have the chance to take
back and live my life on my own terms. I have reclaimed what the church
professed to give me all along, yet never really did: my God given free
agency to think and choose for myself, and the right to worship according to
the dictates of my own conscience, or not at all, something JS clearly stated
in the 11th article of faith, as a belief of the true church of God, written by his
own hand.

If the Mormon church just claimed to be an organization that did good
things, I likely would have stayed. But proclaiming to be the "one and only"
while at the same time filled with so much lying, ( considered by themselves
to be a serious sin), led me to the knowledge that they are really no different
than any other church, and maybe worse. Yes, they do a lot of good, but the
damage that is done to families such as mine, in the wake of their silence
about so very many things, half truths and outright deceptions is
unforgivable, in my opinion, and I hope that if there is indeed a God, those in
the highest authority of the LDS church will one day have to stand
accountable for bearing false witness, for many of them, I am sure, are not
ignorant, and that that they will be required to take full responsibility for all of
the lives and families like mine that have been destroyed.

I wish it were otherwise. I truly went in search of a deeper, stronger
conviction of testimony; not for one minute was I looking to find fault, but
within less than one week I knew something was terribly wrong, and I had
begun down the road of this long painful journey, which actually started 8
yrs. ago, and took all the courage in the world to finally pack up and leave.
You never know how strong you are until put to the ultimate test. I, for one,
found that I am a lot stronger than I would have ever thought possible. A
courage far greater than I would have ever believed I possessed was the key
to my freedom in the end.
Update -- I officially resigned from the Church of Jesus Christ of
Latter Day Saints on 9-9-09, a day filled with peace and happiness that I
shall always remember.