Hello to all. I appreciate this opportunity to tell my story. I was raised in a small SE Idaho town, BIC, seminary, mission, temple marriage, elder’s quorum presidency, home teacher, financial clerk, primary teacher, three kids and now grandkids.

After my mission my faith was unshakeable. I was never really over-the-top crazy mormon but tried to do the best I could to be a model mormon and be a good husband and father.

We had to move from Idaho to start my new career and I soon realized that my chosen career was going to make being a good mormon challenging as I was working shift work and on the weekends.

When we first moved to our new ward, it became apparent that I was less than desirable material for any kind of position. I was not bitter about that as I knew that working on Sundays is a red flag for mormons to question a person’s dedication. Not to be dissuaded, I went to the bishop and asked for a calling.

I was then called to be a worker at the cannery/bishop’s storehouse. It felt weird but I was determined to prove myself. I must have done something right as I was then called to be a financial clerk after a few months. And of course, a primary teacher. I was finally feeling needed.

After a change in the bishopric, I was released from financial clerk then called as a statistic clerk. Then something changed in me. I was becoming more frustrated at not being able to do all that was asked of me in the church. I had covenanted to give everything to the church in the temple. But I could not do everything, so I felt guilty.

The beginning of the end came for me as I was standing in front of a bunch of 10 year old primary children trying to teach a lesson. I was working nights and overtime trying to make ends meet so I was totally unprepared for the lesson and the kids knew it and they were out of control.

I calmly closed the lesson book, put the chalk and eraser in the little bag, gathered my stuff and walked over to the primary president and quit. I just quit.

From that point on, I began quitting all my callings. Statistic clerk, primary teacher and home teacher. I wish I could say that I felt free but I didn’t. It was a relief, as I was freeing up my time, but I was still feeling guilty. It was a horrible act to quit church callings. Then I began to be somewhat angry in-between the guilt.

I remember having to call my home teacher to give a blessing to my son before an operation and not participating in the priesthood acts during my father’s funeral because I felt unworthy. And add embarrassment to the list as my family in Idaho wondered what was going on with me. What sin had I committed to not be worthy?

After I had stepped away from the church is when I could start asking myself questions about my beliefs and realizing that many things I was taught and believed did not make sense and were not logical.

For instance, why spend all this money and time on temple work for the dead when we have all eternity to figure it out. All will be resurrected and have a body that can be baptized if that person so desires.

I went to church infrequently. Stopped paying tithing. I continued to pay fast offerings and I even helped clean the ward building. So I was living between two worlds. To my co workers, I remained that kooky mormon. To the ward members, I was an inactive member and unworthy.

It was then I began to search for answers to my questions about the church on the internet. The straw that broke the camel’s back is when I discovered the time line of when Joseph Smith became a high ranking Mason and the creation of the temple ceremony which mimics Masonic rites.

I have become completely inactive. The garments are gone. No more money to the church. My children were preteens and teenagers when I first stopped going to church and I feel as a result they were always skeptical of the church and really were never active. After remaining silent about my unbelief for many years, I finally told my DW. She has also become inactive as she has made her own discoveries.

Slowly I am leaving my mormon upbringing and ideas behind. It has been a long process for me. It has been 18 years since I first quit being a primary teacher. I have had to adjust my thinking on many issues. And begin for forgive myself for perceived shortcomings.

Life, for the most part, is better for me. I can associate with regular people better. I enjoy life more. When bad things happen in life, I do not wonder what I have done to anger God. I am beginning to think more for myself and trust my decisions and my abilities.

My hope is that my story will help others who read it. It is also therapeutic for me to finally write it down.

Thanks for reading.