Hello my name is Fenir. I was born into the covenant ~30years ago.
This is my Mormon story. Sorry it is littered with extra details. I hope I have painted a picture. A picture of causality, free choose, individualism...how the terrorney of the church is the mindset & culture of the people in it. I still believe in Christ and christian values. Even if science says no. Even if i know the holy ghost's feeling can be duplicated in Ds settings. I believe the BoM has truths in it that affirm the bible. As to it being translated by Smith? Probably not. I'll live my life christian+.
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Section one
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I was blessed, baptized, and confirmed like so many when so young. I also felt forced to progressed in the church from one office to another even as a young boy. I was always called to be president of whatever was the next quorum per my age, Deacon, Teacher, Priest, etc. Parallel I was always chosen as pack leader in the boy scouts.(our ward ran the scouting troop (147)).
I always hated being a leader. Its just not my personality. But I was told that rejecting a "calling" was a bad thing to do. I was expected to go on a mission. Mission this mission that. ALWAYS with the mission talk! To my credit I got 3 boys in my priest quorum reactivated, BUT only when my leaders stopped interfering.(some of you may cringe at my doing my perceived job at the time :P). One thing that I then and now still believe is that church leaders/members are A: to pushy. B: they write people off to soon.

I will pause here to tell of home to frame it all:
My parents waned between active and inactively-active thru my childhood. There was a stent when we did FHE religiously.
BUT sure as hell we children where forced to attend church every single Sunday. In 10 years(8-18) or so I missed a total of 3 freaking days. MY father had served a mission in north Carolina, his fam were 4th gen Mormons. Ironically he could hardly read. and thus didn't or begrudgingly participated in FHE.(crappy abusive father the rest of the time). My mother "the enabler" i like to caller her was a 2nd gen Mormon. She was fanatically religious, but some how emphatically selfish. "Appearances" mattered most to her. My parent's examples solidified my views that people in the church don't matter as much as doctrine.

I recall once when i was about 10 my mother explained to us the temple and what it was all about, but no specifics in the ceremony. She told us the symbolism behind the temple garb. Apparently my sister had stumbled into there clothing. :S /awkward/. Like wow we was kids.

Fast forward thru a ton of scripture learning, boy scout service projects, and talks. I could answer almost any question in Sunday school. I was very knowledgeable about the church's teachings. One day at Sunday school i was about 18. There was one of those awkward lessons. I forget which.(about 5 a year are the awkward ones ;) ) With my secret past time by then I carefully made the right questions, and answers so that more of the group would talk. Well Brother 'Nietngale'shared how he had some /dream/ of another man's wife ( he was 60). About how it wasn't his fault and the body does things with attraction that are uncontrollable, but he didn't;t act on it so it was okay.
Certain /dreams/ always seem to be lucid in nature. Can I be condemed for a bodly function?
I decided it was/is OKAY to quell /feelings/ on my own to avoid /dreams/.(never like /dreams/). I mean, what god expects me not to????

I lost my virginity at 18, I couldn't;t stand it any longer. I couldn't see why the lord would only have us xzzy to pump out another child. Later my church conditioning and every one in my town nagging me to go on a mission got me to go on one. No one knew why i left a year late, I just said I wanted to be extra prepared with the spirit. To my stake president and bishop's credit they where good men that handled the thing well. The seemed though caught in the gears of the church leadership at times, making it a hard work.
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The Mission
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I went on a mission to TSAM, Texas san Antonio in 2005
My estranged parents where supportive, only after my stake president unbeknownst to me gave them a house call. By that time I had by my self got all the donators i needed, all the supplies as well. 9.9. Remember my parents where devote but lazy members of the church, and this reflected on my perceptions.

The MTC was the 2nd most miserable time in my life. All the missionaries where like children. Immature, lazy, back biting, and not learned about the gospel. The worse part was no one was really your friend. They all put on a face, song, and dance. I had beef with the scripted examples used, the focus of the lessons, the multiple daily testifying sessions, and constant hymns. Not a moment's rest to soak it in. IT was cram cram cram. Also learning Spanish in 12 weeks was insane.
They got my name tag wrong 3 times! I was counseled n all cause i was different. SORRY I got my own ways of coping, its called relaxing when not on duty. Idiots. Another hard thing was I had no support from home, the ward, parents, friends...I was cut off...

Getting OFF the plane: I was miserable when I left Utah, with a silly challenge to get rid of 5 cards to strangers by the time we landed. Mormons are so pushy, blame the leaders, with our backs to the walls. I got off the plane, it was a blast of hot sticky heat. I am from COLD climates. I walked silently down the terminal with a neutral face, the best I could muster. The mission president hugged us all. I hate hugs! hugs are for intimacy!

The mission home: The mission home was located in the richest neighborhood, on a hill past Pasteur hegie's large conference center, thru a iron gate. It was huge 4 bedroom affair. half awake we where served a lite meal of bread and gravy(prison foods!).
President Larkin and his wife where abnormally chipper. We where all expected to be chipper. grrr. His wife was annoying dingbat that was once a good looking arm ornament but now old and crusted.
He was i found out later a RICH business man from ST. George Utah.(punch him for me). There where incompetent leaders. If something was wrong it must be your fault for thinking so.

First Area: MY first companion was elder Nau a Tonga. It was his last transfer. I hated that jerk! He broke the rules all the time. Stayed in bed with "headaches". He was weird asking me once if i had ever touched a girl's xyz. I prepared my whole life for this treatment???? Little did he know to my embaressment. Half way thru a transfer the mission president interviews you and your companion. But separately. You never know what they are going to say about you behind closed doors! I didn't like that, no way to defend. It was just oh elder and a scolding look at me. What did i do!?

Transfer Madness: I was emergency transferred because it was not working out with Nau. I was sent to marble falls. To not go into detail elder green there was awesome from Oregon and we just went door to door. it was hard and we was alone. Most importantly I later found out in my next area that more than 15 transfers happened when i was swapped early from nau. Apparently alot of companions where not very compatible. I was taken back. callings, and like wise transfers are suppose to be by GOD's inspiration. ---WE were taught we MUST find those we promised in the pre-existence to teach as missionaries.---
I doubted Larkin. This meant that how could god put a man like this in this position, and make this many mistakes????

A note on regular transfers: They are 6 weeks long, we serve a ward or multiple wards depending. Its horrible time cause you got to know a stranger for 6 weeks being with them for 24hrs then was transfered some place else.

The final Calamity: I hated even writing letters to my mission president. What was there to write?? People join on their own, I was there, I knocked on doors.
I had 3 more companions after green, all with the last names that started with the letter "N". Nacklebee, Nuinez, Nibourgh. I was insulted. It made no sense. I learned of the 15+ transfers before. Elder Nuinez slandered my name and tried to fight me even but then skewed the story behind my back i learned. I wrote a long letter once it was 5 pages. IT was about my anguish, but i ended it with a poem, saying that I was going to try harder to step out of my shell and get things done.
Soon I was transferred to Elder Mortimer the 3rd of Ogden Utah. Enseno ward San Antonio. He ended up liking my ways of doing things, hard work n such. He told me that Larkin had in secret asked him if there was one elder in the mission field that I would be friends with most. Elder Mortimer said himself. Whom was in my group of 12 I came out with. I pried him more, Mortimer told me that apparently I had offended every bishop I had served with, that this was my last straw. I had NO idea. I was NEVER told nor disciplined. I was devastated. I had tried my darnedest to deal with everything, from lack luster companions, snooty Peruvian Nunez, members, pressure to baptize, no support from home, and doors slammed in my face ALL THE TIME. I walked 5-10 miles every single day in 100+ heat.
Shrugging it off I resolved in my self to do better. I had barely hit my stride. 2.5 weeks in with Mortimer 2 things happened. A even longer letter than the poem one was sent to Larkin, by my old companion cause i left it out. It was my last one of that former transfer and decided NOT to hand it to him at transfer meeting. I regerted it being sent, I accuse Larkin of his lack of inspieration. Later I would find out that this letter of admonisment saved my skin from a dishonoralbe discharge.
The second was that in church, after our 3rd ward session(we had 3 wards) in elder quorum. The lesson was on giving blessings. I stared at the teacher with a look like don't you dare call on me. Looking into his eyes i recall to this day. I got up and ugh we where grilled on blessings to teach the audience. I was ask if i didn't know the blessing saying what would i do...(I have always had trouble memorizing)...in a flash i thought, hold on I got my handy dandy missionary book in my pocket at all times. I was like well its in here, I got this with me all the the time even in an emergency.
Then this trouble maker new convert, probably one of you! :P lol.
Got up and refuted me for such an idea. I should have it all memorized! I lost face, was made a fool. For a missionary to be less than god's right hand angle is bad, sin full it seemed. I quickly sat down and remained there non-participating inspite.

48hrs to go: with in 24hrs i was called down to Larkin's office downtown. (they had an office to for mission business) He separated me from my companion, and I was told that the first presidency ie the apostles where deciding if I should stay. I was flabbergasted, but had a clue cause of Mortimer. He went on saying how he thought it was odd/bad i didn't have a smile when i got off the plane. I was speechless a moment.
I asked why, what did I do? "OH Elder you shouldn't be upset" grrr. I was shown the letter with the poem on he desk photo copied, with a letter send back from the first presidency. That was private for Larkin! IT was this letter that Larkin had tried to get me kick with but the frist presidency said it was Larkin's disision. Not yes or no.
Larkin went on to say that that night the first counselor of the ward that thing happened in had gone to a stake meeting, and reported the incident to his stake president. the stake president went to Larkin or some such. Larkin finally asked, if there was one elder in the mission field I wanted to be like. I thought a moment and said "No". For I didn't;t want to be like them, I wanted to be like chirst's servant n such dah!. He tried to hug me before i left. I was having non of that, I had learned to asert my feelings. I don;t like hugs. I politely hand shook him.

24hrs: The next night on Tuesday we went to the church building and spoke with the bishop. HE APOLOGIZED personally to me on the behalf of the WHOLE ward!!!!! HE said he knew the situation with that recent convert, and how he was a trouble maker. But his fist consoler didn't. The bishop was out of town that weekend. I called Larkin, and told him the good news, the ward LOVED ME and the BISHOP supported us two. Larkin didn't listen. 3 hours later I got a call from the Zone leader, I had a plane ticket for 3pm the next day. Oh the fate! Oh the calamity!.
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Back into the civilian ward/world
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Well i was sent home. I arrived at the idahofalls airport May the 18th. No one was there to greet me. I had no long distance phone calls as a missionary, and now no money to use a pay phone.
Lucky a lady at a closing store let me use her phone. (cheers to you lady in blue.) My childhood friend picked me up B,Thompson.
It was a blur. I had to the next morning go to my bishop, he was shocked and not prepared, i needed a place to sleep! I had nothing but the cloths on my back and two suits. I was not taken care of very well, my missionary credit card was canceled even though i had saved 300 bucks on it by shopping carefully.

A week or two later I stood before the stake leaders and was released as a missionary. MY mission president told me many things. Things i didn't know about what happen. He was angry about how Larkin and the leaders handled it all. Him loosing a missionary looked bad for the stake as well. All in all I was told by the first presidency 3 weeks in that I had served a "full and honorable" mission. I even got a cert from Larkin, cause he had to sign it. must have been galling for him. I was also told in a letter that I could rejoin the mission field in 6 months if I chose.
Mission conclusions: Men are not inspired by God very often at all. Church leaders Lie. Church leaders compromise your privacy when it suits them. The right people can be against you to ruin you, even if the first presidency doesn't agree. Missionaries are not prepared for the ills of the world. Utahan missionaries are the worse stuckup ones. I baptized 8 people and still felt like crap cause of pressure. (I later found out i had baptized the most out of my group of 12). You can't be a quiet sole w/o criticism.
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Life in Salt lake
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I moved to SLC after a botched wedding and low paying jobs. Here I was exposed to alternative life style that rexburg Idaho didn't offer. I began to experiment and deprogram. I was always as an Elder in the church, a boy expected to me manly! manly and godly and husbandly 1110000000%%%. I went to church as often as i could. At this point i was afraid of a calling, i didn't want to be a leader any more like I was growing up. I just wanted to worship my way in my own solemn peace. But I was nagged and hassled. I didn't want to go to a YSA ward. I wanted to be normal go to a normal ward and just worship god anonymously.
So I ended up not going.
Eventually I meta morphed into the woman I always was but could never express nor be in the church nor in rexburg. I am feminine, and submissive.
I said to my self that God is no respecter of persons, so I am just me, and I will fallow what i can accepting I will not got to celestial glory. Life is meant to be enjoyed. More importantly life is meant to be experienced. That's what I thought to myself.
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Nail in the coffin
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I've always said "the people in the church is the problem not the doctrine" After the political maneuvering of the church post Hinckley I was against the leaders as well. Having worked for Deseret Industries I hated the business side of the church even more. Another big reason, the terrible treatment my LGBT friends and my self suffer at the hands of Mormon business owners, parents, and family. Finally after reconnecting with my mother, I decided enough was enough I wanted to be unsealed from my parents.
So I took to the anti-Mormon websites to convince my self completely. I had a full story of Joseph Smith. I always thought it odd he died jumping from a window whilst being shoot. The seer stone is what caught me off guard as well. A product of those times, not unique. And looking at a rock in a hat with no plates in sight??? Also church policy changes over the last 150 years where staggering and contradictory. Lastly as a Transgendered woman whom successfully finished transition(the government even recognizes me as female), in a lesbian relationship, supporter of polyandry, and master sub relationships: I know I will get excommunicated if I stayed in the church.
So this very Sunday I went to an RLDS service before going to a LDS one for the YSA ward in my area. I walked to the pulpit during testimony meeting and bore my testimony that the scriptures are true and Jesus is the Christ. Leaving out the typical Mormon jargon bout smith n prophets.
After I got to the bishop, waiting to speak with him a stake leader shock my hand "That was a good testimony young lady". WOW. Anyhow I gave my letter of resignation to the bishop told him I resign. Then walked away.