My huband's family is mormon, but the Jack type. We had both been married before. His ex wife was converted and soon became inactive. I told him I would never convert. My ex husband was non-denomination and that was a Circus, I had always believed in God felt a very strong connection to him. Until I was converted 5 years ago. Myself,my two children and my step son were baptized together. Our missionaries were amazing, we loved them and they became part of our family. They promised they would keep in touch and we would always be close. That was a joke. I don't know why I kept going on this ride. I never read any of their literature. one of my callings was ward missionary and I taught Gospel Principles class. I had no idea what I was doing. But i liked that they trusted me and I craved notariety so I continued. We played the good mormons and did everything in our power to be obedient. I was called to by in YW and that added a lot to our plate. 5 kids, we both had struggling businesses and now this. I was honored and excited. We then made it to the temple and everyone stopped being so friendly. It's like a night and day change. Almost immediately after going to the temple we began having huge family problems. My teen daughter didn't feel good enough to be mormon and started acting out. We fought non stop. My husband even moved out.We asked for marriage counseling, family counseling, anything to help, but they did nothing. We tried to continue our facade, but it was useless. I cried everytime I'd enter the church building. I even started having false flashbacks of abuse from my Dad. I felt ashamed with sexual thoughts and any actions that weren't missionary style sex. I was completely unable to even come close to orgasm. It was the most stressful, worst time of my life. I resigned my calling, and my husband started smoking again after quitting for a year (that was dumb) we allowed coffee and tea and wine back into our home and stopped feeling so guilty for not being perfect. We lost all our Mormon friends, our Bishop moved and then deleted us on facebook. We stopped making our kids feel like heathens and we just let ourselves be. We continued to go to church and mutual etc for a few months, We moved to a different ward afterward and then stopped going completely. My son did scouts a few times, but we never had callings. This was like a year. Life was still rocky but better than it was. We finally decided to move out of state. We were approached by sister missionaries in our new home and we welcomed them in. They invited us to mutual the next day. Also to meet the Bishop. We accepted, my husband was badly burned that next afternoon and we were never able to make it to Mutual. The sisters found out and the Bishop and YM pres. visited and gave my husband a blessing. We eased back in with the kids. The ward was racially diverse and the kids were welcoming and not so perfect. My kids finally felt comfortable and like they belonged. I made a promise to myself and made my husband promise that we were not going to try to be someone else. We were going to be us and that our clothes, tattoos, piercings didn't make us any less worthy of Heavenly Father's love. We did this and loved this ward.. The Bishop was a little cold but it was much easier to be us. My kids adored church, not because of church, but because they had friends. The sisters got transferred out and I remember we cried when they left we promised to stay in touch, just like the Elders, but now they are off their mission and they ignore us now, We aren't the typical Mormon family. I am a feminist, We have tattoos, I don't wear my garments, my husband smokes, I drink wine, and coffee and never believed that green tea was bad for me. Essentially I go for my kids. But thats changing now. I don't want them being influenced by lies and propaganda. I don't feel like everyone is genuine. In fact I feel like it's all forced, fake. The motives are off. I started doubting everything when I was in primary with my 4 year old. It was 4th of july. The teacher was talking about some meeting with all the presidents but 4 and Christopher Columbus was there! I was like what? He raped and murdered and he was at this magical meeting? like I said I never really read any literature, which was stupid considering I brought my entire family into this based on feelings. Everytime I attempted to read the BOM, I couldn't the writing was horrible, It does not sound inspired. It was the most boring thing ever AND I didn't believe it. I never made my kids read it either. I guess I'm just as much a fraud as they are. Anyway, I don't believe a lot of things. My husband is very gullible and believes anything, as long as it makes him feel good. Our world is falling apart and the GAs are doing nothing but sitting and living their comfortable lives. If they were true prophets they would say "Don't eat GMOs, or any of that crap that our country produces." They would warn us of the lying, evil manipulative government that pretends to protect us. The companies that are profiting off of our sicknesses and disease. They would stand up off their butts and be active. Do things. I am just now seeing all this and I am actually glad I didn't read their garbage. I don't have to unlearn and retrain my brain. Now how do I break it to everyone else? My son is supposed to get baptized soon, as soon as my husband quits smoking, lol. Writing this made me feel better. I was afraid to admit what I was feeling. I felt as though I'd get punished by God for Blasphemy or something. I never said any of this to anyone. It's just been bouncing in my head trying to come out. Now What??