I am Japanese woman age 59. I was not so good in English in school. I attend free English class by Mormon missionaries. I listen to lessons, read Book of Mormon, pray and receive testimony. Parents not too mad. I get baptized. I study gospel, do many church calling and keep commandments. I learn we are family centered church. But in Japan almost all members are young girls and very few boys. After few years I realize I have very difficult choice. Marry to non-member in Japan and probably go inactive, never marry and stay active in family church, go to Utah to find Mormon boy to marry. Pray and feel spirit go to Utah.

In Japan I am not so cute, maybe average. But in Utah many boys think I am very cute. Too many boys, I don’t know what to do. I refuse to go on date with stranger. Other Japanese girls don’t like me. I make friend with Asami other cute Japanese girl. Asami has bad past. Sleep with missionary. After missionary transfer, get baptized. Later missionary confess and tell. Asami repent and mission president say she not need excommunicate. She come to Utah because members in Japan not forgive her and mean to her. Japanese girls in Utah still not forgive when find out bad past.

Mark is nice guy friend with Asami and forgive her. He has friend Scott with bad past before repent and mission to Japan. Mark think maybe Scott and Asami be good couple. He arrange first date and it works. They fall in love eventually get married in temple. Asami is so grateful to Mark. Promise him to do anything to repay this kindness. As favor Mark ask Asami to arrange first date with me.

Mark quickly fall in love with me. He is so nice. Go on date almost every day. Seems dreams come true. Mark want to kiss me but in Japan church teach kiss wrong and save for marriage. Mark think different. He kiss me even when I say no. Say I am too cute. Can’t resist. After a while it is not so bad. Maybe Mark not wrong. Asami and Scott kiss for hours. One night Mark touch me. At first I think it is joke. I am small woman. Mark only touch shirt and padded bra. Not feel me at all. Mark think we do big sin. We confess to bishop. He says we need to get married. Not worthy for temple. Mark give me engagement ring. Does not repent. He touch me more places, inside cloths. Too scared to stop him. Already in trouble, a little more is not much worse.

Mark family all active in church and do not like me. Mother say to me- we don’t want any JAPS in this family. Little brother call me monkey face. Become my nick name. We have marriage in church gym. Mark family not come and not help pay. Only few friends come. My parents fly from Japan for joke wedding. Parents not impressed. Feels like funeral not wedding.

My father pay for us come to Japan and have simple traditional Japanese wedding. I love my Japanese wedding. Many old friends come. Never forget. Then Father pay for week at small honeymoon inn in mountains with many hot springs. Mark very patient to me. Happy wonderful time.

Father tell Mark to change college major. Study forestry and later join company. Father and friends start wood import company long time before and make more money than most. Mark manage forests in America for import wood to Japan in future. Father tell Mark to change family name to our family name. I am oldest daughter, one sister and no brother. Then smooth inherit position in company. Mark not submissive to my father and reject suggestion.

Mark want to be doctor. We have no money. After marry Mark get job in food store and work all the time. I try to get job but English not good enough. Mark grades fall and he later flunk big admission test to medical school. He get mad and yell at me. Wish he never marry me. But too late we already to have baby.

I think I am too small and too young to have baby. Church teach must have many children. Not right to prevent it. I am afraid of birth control pills or plastic device put in me. Mark want to do it almost every night. We try condom but come off. I become pregnant. Mark say it is the will of God. I almost die having baby. Very depressed after birth and no help from family or friend. After birth father send money to help with baby. He request no tithing on his money and I obey. Pay tithing on Mark money only. I not tell Mark about extra money from Japan.

Bishop let us go to temple to be sealed. No family no friend come. I do not feel spirit and temple seems very strange to me. Not understand. Garment very bad. Itch and bunch up. Don’t fit. I wear children cloths. Don’t have big hips or chest like poineer woman. Not cute enough in garment any more. Afraid of another baby. Only way to prevent don’t let husband do it. Too tired to sleep with husband. Mark tell bishop and he tell me. Must submit to husband. I say ok, maybe later. Maybe next year.

Go to church every week. Members do not like mixed race couple. Scott and Asami experience same thing. Move far away. Revelation give priesthood to blacks bring joy to my heart. Maybe more tolerance but not happen. No callings for Mark or me. Except later when have children. Work in nursery. Clean church almost every week. Do visit teaching as junior companion when members not welcome very much. Want to please God even if members of church impolite.

Mark look at dirty pictures of naked women. I pretend not to notice. Mark drink beer after work and we pretend not happening. I feel guilty for not pleasing husband for driving him to this evil. Mark get very angry and force me to do it with him sometimes. I have another baby. All problems get worse. I pray and study scripture even more but not feel the same any more. I talk to bishop. He not understand. Tell me Mark is head of house. I must obey and please him. I already trying best to do that. Not working.

Mark work at Home Depo. He go on business trip for week. Return home very happy and celebrate. Don’t care any more let him do it. Several times next few days. He is different. New wild things and it hurts. I get painful sores. Doctor says I have herpes. No cure but treatment help. Doctor also say I have another baby. Twins this time find out later. Not able to birth babies. Emergency operation. Barely survive. Babies in hospital for many weeks. Can’t pay bill. Go bankrupt.

I know Mark cheated. Only one way to get herpes. I know I did not cheat. Can’t afford divorce. I focus on 4 daughters. Survive on money from Japan. Not easy. Teach daughters to have good heart traditional Japanese way. Church teach obedience. Daughters grow and very beautiful. Very smart. Popular at school. Shunned at church. When in primary I make it not so bad. Mark not help at all. Teenage years very bad. Many ward members hate me for defending my girls. American daughters do not understand traditional Japanese mother. Understand Japanese language but won’t speak and can’t write. First daughter go inactive age 15. Same age I join church. Younger sisters all follow.

Daughters go to college and dress like harlot and sleep with boyfriend and drink beer. I cry and pray for them every day and night. Strange things happen. All daughters graduate and get good job. All daughters find decent boyfriend and marry well. All daughters have happy family and nice children. Not in church. I thought not possible to be happy after reject church after not keep commandments. All daughters treat me with more respect than anyone ever has. As long as I not mention church. Daughters know all about Mark. Tolerate but no respect.

After last daughter go to college, Mark less discrete about cheating. Many affairs. I feel like a house servant. Marriage over. Too old and inconvenient to divorce. We only roommates. Ignore each other as much as possible. Ignore bishop. Mark first big calling second counselor to Sunday school president. I have free time. I start reading more about church. Many years pass and I read more and more. Not believe many terrible things on internet.

Then church official website confirm some of worst things. All prophets racist before priesthood revelation. Book of Abraham made up. Book of Mormon translated with magic stone in hat. Worst is Prophet Joseph Smith plural wives. More than 30 wives. Other men ‘s wives. Teenage wives. Wives before coming of Elijah restore sealing power. Lies to wives about wives. Find out polygamy still big problem in Utah more than 100 years later.

I want to believe but can’t. I read many internet site defending church and not make sense. I feel spirt really strong when young. Older realize how can it be true? Spirit maybe wrong sometimes. Remain open to more teachings. Maybe my life is punishment for chastity sins before marriage, for not pay tithing on money from Japan, not obedient enough to husband, never learn good English. Many reasons.

I think I return to Japan and apologize to family. Parents very old need help. Sister and husband lead company and have enough money maybe support me. Maybe I work as receptionist for family company. Should have married Japanese boy who accept father suggestion. Mark should have married big Utah girl with curves to fill garment. Keep him away from other women and dirty picture. Bishop very stupid tell us to marry. I go to Mormon English class in Japan and quietly warn young Japanese girl. Ok to learn English from missionaries. Big mistake to listen to missionary lesson believe church teachings. Some good teachings but too many lies. Not good life as Japanese Mormon wife.