I originally posted this on the discussion board (http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1451197,1451574#msg-1451574), but Susan asked that I post it here so that others that are struggling can see an example of the struggle after leaving getting better. Anger is exhausting. In my experience it fades after time.

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Five years ago this month, I walked out of a bishop's office on a gorgeous southern Californa winter day and have only returned since for funerals, weddings and baby blessings.

That first year, I was a hot mess. I went through all the stages of grief, but the anger lasted the longest for me. That's what drew me to this board. My husband, who left years before me, never understood my anger, so I came here. Thanks you RfM! I devored this site and Richard's site and books by the dozen. The anger was replaced by a zest for knowledge. Beyond church history books, I started studying the history of the major world religions. I read secular world history, biographies of scientists, and philosophy.

I moved about 6 months after leaving, so I was particularly annoyed with people from the local ward in my new town who dropped by my place uninvited to tell me that they loved me and missed me. I am so happy that I can laugh about the oddness of that now, because at the time strange ladies pounding on my door and ringing the door bell multiple times drove me to the back room in a panic. Though, I don't think I will ever laugh at the women who approached my children with candy and a stuffed animal. "We miss you. We love you," they said. Once I got to the door I quickly dismissed them and my little boy was wondering who those women were. These ladies may have meant well, but their behavior was very creepy.

It took awhile to learn how to make friends outside of church, but I figured it out. I actually met a very dear friend here on RfM. Love ya gal!

Five years later, I haven't resigned. At first I resisted because I didn't want to upset my mom even more than I had, but I think she could handle it now. It irritates me that I have to jump through hoops to stop strangers from showing up at my door. It irritates me that even though my kids were never baptised they are still on the records. I need to resign. Ugh.

I am happy. I am going to college. I love my husband. My kids are happy, healthy, polite, curious, playful, independent and they make me laugh. And they work my nerves, like kids do, but I am grateful that they aren't being raised with the guilt, fear and irrational thoughts that Mormonism brings. When I was still hanging on out of fear, I thought that even if the church was a fraud, it was still a good way to raise children. It didn't take long to decide that it is a horrible way to raise children.

Did I mention that we are buying a house? Did I mention that we've never been so financialy stable? That I feel a contentedness that I'd never known before? The world seems clearer. I am out of the fog. I want to keeping studying and learning. Life is beautiful, even in its chaos. I love my little family. I love my handful of friends.

The more time that goes by, the weirder and more disgusting Mormonism looks. It is so obviously a made-up farce, but being raised in it, I hadn't seen the craziness of it all for so long.

Most of my extended family is still Mormon, but I am lucky; I have good parents who choose me and their grandchildren over their beliefs.

Thank you Eric and Susan and all of the volunteers who make this site run. Thank you posters. Thank you to every one who responded to my posts years ago, who understood my anger. I may go weeks between visits, but I really do think that I will always pop in, even if it's just to lurk.

I wish you all the best. That sounds so trite, but I do mean it.