I have not been active in the church since I was 18 years old. I am now 41, and loving my life. I have read so many stories on here that resonate with me. I thought I'd put in my story, and I really hope that it can help someone because leaving Mormonism isn't as easy as you think.
I was not BIC. My sperm donor (aka dad) joined the church when I was very young. I think I was around 1. I remember going to church every Sunday in our branch presidents house, and sitting on bunk beds of their kids room for primary. Lol good times. My dad was very much a controlling asshole. He had a very quick temper, and if we so much put a toe out of line, we were beaten. Hey, it was the 70s lol. I was the youngest back then - and the only girl. We moved around a lot (so much that I attended 12 different schools). My mother was baptized a few years after my dad, and of course us kids were forced to be baptized at 8.
My mom finally got tired of my dads shit, his violence, his lies, his moving around, so one day she refused to move. BAM!! My parents were split. My brothers and I were so happy. I remember them telling us, and all I could think was "YES!!! NO MORE CHURCH!!". My mom was so happy then. The home teachers came over once, and snooped through our cupboards. I guess it's hard to believe a single mom could support 3 kids alone. She told them to GTFO.
Fast forward to 1986. I was 12, and my brothers were 15 and 16. One night my mom was helping our neighbour leave her abusive boyfriend. She convinced this lady that she didn't have to take a mans shit. I'll never forget that night, because the man came home and murdered my mother, his girlfriend and himself. To say it was a rough day would be an understatement. My dear old dad by this time had remarried with 2 more kids, and dammit since we were his possessions, we was coming to get us!!
I was surrounded in complete love and safety by my mothers family. My grandmother took us in, and just loved us. I told her I didn't want to live with my dad (which was 8 hours away) and she asked me why. I said church. She said 'there's nothing wrong with a bit of church'. Grandma wasn't Mormon lol.
We buried my mother. I was convinced I was going to be sick every day for the rest of my life. I loved her so much.
My dad has always been really good at being a dick. After my mothers funeral, he told my oldest brother that my mother wasn't going to heaven. She was divorced, and needed a man to get into heaven. It wrecked my brother for a while. Our mother died trying to help someone FFS! He told me that my grandmother is evil, and split up humans my mom. My grandmother, who took me in and loved me, and cared for me selflessly even though she just lost a daughter...

As fate would have it, I was too young to decide where I was red to live, so I was able to finish out the school year, then I got to go live with dear ok dad and his new family.

My Mormon indoctrination began in full. My dad had me convinced of so many things. Cain is walking the earth today, and he is a big black bastard that rapes and kills. (Not gonna lie, for years I was terrified of black men)
I needed to work harder, sacrifice and discipline myself so I could have my calling and election mass sure.
I was never going to be good enough because I'm a girl.
If
So much bullshit, seriously volumes of it.

My dad was just as much of a piece of crap to his new family. Luckily, my sister and I are just dumb girls, only good for marrying an RM and crapping out litter after litter. My stepmother was berated on a daily basis. She didn't keep the house clean enough, the kids aren't perfect enough, she wasn't pretty enough and (wait for it)... she gained weight!!! She cried everyday, but never had the strength to leave him. He would compare her to my mom, and to me.

So I played Molly Mormon fairly well through the years until I graduated. I was never interested in a patriarchal blessing, doing baptisms for the dead or any other crap dad threw at me. I never once truly prayed, and I've never repented. I believed because my dad did, but all he taught was Mormon folklore and being a good little servant woman. Around the time I was 17, a couple things happened that jarred my belief.
1. My dad started laying it on thick that he wanted to marry my mother again, and he wanted me to do it by proxy in the temple. Um NO!! My mother divorced you, and was so happy with you out of her life!! Why the fuck would I condemn my own mother?!? I avoided this like the plague. I know he has talked about it with all my siblings, and if he has gone ahead and done it, I'll never know.
2. I started seriously dating the man I eventually married. I'm passing I told him that I wouldn't marry outside my religion. Too much of a hassle. So behind my back, he took the discussions and was baptized. I thought it was romantic, but my dad was furious!! He told me this man was no good for me, and now he was a burden on the church. Lol

My (not as yet) husband attended meetings with my dad, and dear old dad treated him like shit. Told him in a priesthood meeting that he was less of a person cuz he was raised by a single mom - shit like that.
I bided my time, and at the age of 18, I graduated high school and shacked up with the boyfriend in another town. The worst part is that when your parent tells you something, you believe them because you trust them from infancy. So deep down, I felt like a failure, never good enough, and now a disappointment.

I got pregnant when I was 19, and chose to terminate the pregnancy. My dad found out years later and told me all hope was lost for me because I shed innocent blood, and that's an unforgivable sin. Thanks dad.

As the years went by, my stepmother grew very ill with cancer. I loved her so much as an adult. When I gave birth to my daughter, she drove across the country to be there for me. My daughters birthday means so much because my stepmother filled in for my mother when I needed her most.

My stepmother passed away on my daughters 5th birthday. I was devastated. When I told her, she said' oh it's ok mommy, cuz grandma went to heaven on a good day, it's my birthday'. She's a cool kid

I drove with my kids 2 days to get to my parents place to help with the funeral and areangements. The shit that came out of my dads mouth infuriated me. My stepmother died the day before their 20th anniversary, and he said' she couldn't even make it to 20 years'
He also told me the moment she died, her spirit came straight to him, and apologized for everything, then told him she didn't make the celestial kingdom. What kind of bullshit is that to say???

That night I read my stepmothers journal and I cried. The emotional and mental abuse she suffered was horrific. If I had only known....
'I am not feeling well at all, I can't poop or move, and he came home and yelled at me for being lazy on the couch all day. What have I done to make my husband hate me?" (Stage 4 colon cancer)

'The doctors say the surgery for the colostomy bag will be ok, and I'll have a better chance to survive this. I told Les, and he said he would rather see me dead than with a colostomy bag'

Wow hey?? What a fine upstanding Mormon elder.

The day before her funeral, I promised my sister and brother I would get them away from this man. Dad pulled me aside and said "you know honey I feel good. Just like when your mother left me, this is like a garage door closing on this part of my life. I feel that the lord is preparing me for life with another woman"

Anger? Check. Thinking 'your dead wife isn't even in the grave yet you piece of shit'.... I turned to him and said 'no dad, I'm pretty sure the lord is preparing you for a life without women'

That was 10 years ago. And j was right. I eventually divorced my husband. I was disowned for that. Even though dad thought he was never good enough for me, and even though my ex and I are great friends and co parents lol.

My sister was also disowned for supporting me. She is 12 years younger, and has lived with me for the last 10. We talk a lot and helped to deprogram each other lol.

Out of 6 of us kids, none are active. Only 2 of us married and had kids. We're both also divorced. What a fine family we are lol. My oldest brother is the only one who talks to dad now. Apparently he has pictures of the 6 of us on his wall. 3 of us have a circle with a kind through it over our faces. Me, my sister and my youngest brother who is gay. When asked dad told him our eternal salvation is ruined.

Well shit.

Sorry for the long read guys. Sometimes when you let shit go, it just flows. I've publicly denounced the LDS church, and I'm so internally happy. The lies, guilt, control all gone. Even if I end up an eternal orphan, I'm cool with it.