I am a fifth generation Mormon so my ancestors were either poor or polygamists. My dad's family was a large Mormon family (half devout and half drunk) from Arizona and southern Utah. He was a good man and had a lot of love in his heart, but could never beat the bottle. This was a major source of humiliation to me as a kid because he was also the Elders Quorum President. I remember one Christmas the Bishop came over for a gift exchange and my dad was drunk.

I say this not to shame my family, but to express the conflict I felt in my formative years. I believed that our family was normal. I graduated from BYU in 1978. I should have graduated in 1977, however I was expelled two weeks before graduation by Dallin Oaks for honor code violations. After, I was an apologist for the church even though I was "inactive" for thirty years. I am still a "member" receiving regular letters and notes from various people in the local ward.

I don't believe the story line including The book of Abraham, Adam as God, Kolob, Nephite history, Lamanite history, the mark of Cain or Nephi's brother (can't recall his name), the polygamy cover up, Mtn Meadows Massacre -all that stuff. However, I could accept it as myth, if only, Mormonism did not divide families and abuse their young members. As a kid, I always measured myself by how Mormons judged me. I've never told anyone this before (well-my brother knows some), but Steve Benson, Martha Nibley (I attended BYU with her brother Paul) and several books including Under the Banner of Heaven, How I Left the Saints and The Mormon Mirage have challenged me to tell myself the truth. I read the last of these over two years ago and all this has been stirring since. I am now 60 and feel spiritually bankrupt.

All the good they do can never outweigh all the bad.

Cyrano