I was BIC in 1959 in a small mining village in the NE of England. We were the only Mormons in the family and in the village we lived in. For my entire school career I was the only Mormon at the schools I attended. I am a naturally introverted and am quite shy, so I found the whole thing of having to tell everyone you are a Mormon and try to convert them to be quite excruciating.

Throughout my teenage years I did all the things I was supposed to - attended all the meetings, paid tithing on my pocket money, obeyed the WoW, accepted and carried out all the callings I was given (in a small branch like ours there were plenty of those from an early age), did baptisms for the dead at the temple, etc. However as I grew older I began to develop a strong social conscience and I started to have difficulty in accepting certain church teachings such as the policy on black people, the apparent lack of church interest and help for the third world, the status of women (at that time I didn't think I wanted any children let alone a whole football team's worth) and the whole polygamy thing. But I still believed and tried to put it all to the back of my mind while feeling guilty that I should have these negative thoughts; there must be something wrong with me.

Another big problem for the young women in our branch was the lack of available men (no joke when you have been taught all your life that your only purpose as a woman is to marry and breed). There was about a handful of single men in the entire stake and so they had the pick of all the best looking girls. The choice for the rest of us was to grow into spinsterhood with the prospect of becoming some man's polygamous wife in the next life or finding a husband outside of the church in the hope that you may be able to convert him. Generally it was the other way round and the wife fell away from the church eventually.

At 18 I left home to find work as decent employment was virtually impossible to find in the North East. I was really sad to leave my little branch behind. These were people I had known all my life whom I loved and who genuinely loved me. When I went to my new ward for the first time I was horrified - it was big and not one person spoke to me. This situation continued for the next few months. Never once did the bishop or his councillors acknowledge my presence, (not even when taking my tithing envelopes from me) nor did anyone else. I could not believe this was the same church I had grown up in. At the time I was really unhappy anyway as I was suffering from severe homesickness and was none too keen on the job I had. I think this was really when the doubts set in. At the same time a man at work whom I really liked started to show an interest in me and we started dating. I knew that he would never be a convert and I came to the conclusion that it was him or the church - I chose him and 35 years and 2 lovely grown up sons later I do not regret this decision.

I literally walked away from the church, I moved house and changed my name with marriage and never told the church. As this was 35 years ago I have no idea if I am still a member or if I was excommunicated in absentia (no name removal or resignations in those days), Gradually over the years I lost my faith, although given the indoctrination I received from the earliest age, I have been left with a deep and abiding fear that it may be true. Death has terrified me, not because of there being nothing afterwards, but what is in store for me for denying the Holy Ghost if there is a Mormon afterlife.

I have just come across this site and it has helped me so much. I have learned things I didn't know such as BoA, JS and his many wives, early church history, etc, etc, It also sounds that the church I was born into bears little resemblance to the current one. I can finally lay the guilt and fear to rest.