Travelers, like writers, believe in the power of setting. Before my trip to Europe, my setting had always been conservative, small town Idaho. I absolutely had to leave that environment and the people insulating me in order to gain perspective of the world and myself. Maybe most importantly, without this journey, I don’t think I ever would have revealed or dealt with my abuse. With the help and support of Jeanne and Bert, I found a voice in Europe.
My journey didn’t end when I returned home. As I stated at the end of the epilogue, it was a beginning. In the next two years I went to counseling, I told my family about my abuse and let them support me, I graduated from Boise State University and became a teacher.
My counselor’s name was Dawna. She ultimately proved to be tougher than me which was what drove me to keep appointments. I made a lot of progress in Europe, but Dawna helped me translate that into the everyday practice of living.
Steph divorced Ray just as she said she would. She also received her temple divorce and Ray was excommunicated from the Mormon Church. Well, sort of. Approximately a year after Ray was exed, Steph called to ask me if the Stake President (the guy higher than a Bishop) called me. I told her no. Steph was upset because this Stake President told her they were letting Ray back into the church because the church leaders had called all the people Ray hurt, myself included. Ray's victims had all forgiven him. This blatant lie upset Steph, but when she told me about it, I felt nothing. It was then I realized this organization no longer had a hold on me.
Breaking away from the LDS Church was the right move for me, but I do not hate Mormons. I realize some of the things I say about the LDS Church in the book are harsh. As an author, I had to remain true to the story and the frustrated twenty-two year old character, Jen. Like most, I’ve considerably mellowed with age.
Although I now understand peoples’ need for organized religion, I still live by the conclusions about salvation I came to all those years ago. I try to be a good person – honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, doing good to all men, hoping to endure all things and if there is anything virtuous, lovely or praiseworthy, I seek after those things (I’m paraphrasing the Mormon 13th Article of Faith). I don’t attend a church, but I consider myself to be a soulful person. I am still open to feeding my spirituality wherever and with whomever I can.
For many women, an estimated one in four, sexual abuse hinders our ability to develop healthy relationships. My struggle with intimacy is apparent in A Backpack, a Eurorail Pass and Some Serious Baggage. Dawna and I discussed intimacy at length and in depth at counseling until I felt ready to let someone in. I thought a perfect partner would fall into my life. I had to learn patience on top of everything else.
When I gave up on dating, I met my husband. We married in 1999. It was the day I recognized my triumph over abuse. Brad came into the marriage with a son and we have two daughters. I am fiercely protective of my kids, but at the same time, my wish for them is to discover their own truths. I hope my children find allies in their searches for meaning just as I did with Bert and Jeanne.
Along with revealing my closed mindedness, Jeanne taught me there is nothing more righteous or pure than friendship. She was actually the first of our threesome to get married, although not legally. She is still fighting for equality in an evolving Salt Lake City, Utah. I like to think it is only a matter of time before all Americans are afforded the right to marry.
Despite our predictions in Lido, Bert was the last of us to marry. When Gram died, I thought a lot about how Bert dealt with grief. Grief doesn’t have to be all consuming, or all at once. And like Bert with her mom, I still talk to Gram. I am able to explain things (even though I’m sure Gram already knew) I couldn’t while she was alive. Bert lives and teaches in Alaska.
A Backpack, a Eurorail Pass and Some Serious Baggage is almost twenty years of work. I’ve started and stopped writing it many times and revised the manuscript more than I can count. It was very difficult for me to put myself out there this much. Bert and Jeanne have been involved and passed off on this project. Theirs are the only names that haven’t been changed. To this day, they are my rocks.
What I hope to accomplish with A Backpack, a Eurorail Pass and Some Serious Baggage is an honest account of a young woman’s struggle to get to a place where she can run unabashedly through the pages of her story.