I was born “Catholic”, but like many Mexican Catholics my family rarely went to church and only went when it was convenient. My father was a Mormon convert, but he never went to church and was an abusive alcoholic womanizer, who abandoned us a few months after I was born. One day the Mormon missionaries came to the house looking for my father, when my mother told them he was no longer living with us, the Missionaries started talking to my mother about the gospel. My mother has told me that she was searching for something and when she started talking to the missionaries she believed she found what she was looking for. My mother loved that the church believed in family and loved that the church preached such strict values. My parents were teenagers when they got married due to my mother becoming pregnant with my sister. My mother believed that if she raised her children in the church that we would not make the same mistakes she made and that we would be together forever in the Kingdom of Heaven.
I remember when my family transferred from the Spanish speaking ward to an English speaking ward closer to where we lived. I grew up in a show business town, many people in town were wealthy, but there were a lot of middle and lower class people. My family lived at the bottom of the hill and because of that our ward was made up of many wealthy families. We were by far the poorest family in church and we stuck out like a sore thumb. We were the only Mexican’s in the ward and we were the only single parent family. I always remember the adults and children in church asking me about my father and asking me: if I ever met him, knew his name, if my sister and I had the same father, or if my mother knew his name. Those questions would always bother me and when I would tell my mother that people were asking those questions she would be offended. I was too young to understand what those questions meant but as I got older I started to understand how offensive those questions were. My sister and I were mocked by the kids in Sunday school because we were different. I joined the church’s Cub Scout troop because I thought it would be fun, but I was excluded from trips or events because I didn’t have a father and they would only do father and son events. I was always told that my family was unworthy of entering the Kingdom of Heaven because my parents were divorced and that without a father we were going to burn in hell. My friends at school never treated me any different because my family was poor or because my parents were divorced and my father wasn’t in my life.
I started to question the teachings of the church because of the way I was treated by people at church. I couldn’t understand how they could preach about loving one another when the church was so intolerant of so many things and people. I never understood why the church treated women and minorities so poorly when the church would preach that God loves all his children. I would ask my church leaders questions about the gospel, but instead of answering my questions my youth leaders would tell me that I was going to hell for questioning the gospel. When I was in Middle School I found the courage to tell my mother that I didn’t believe in the church and that I wanted nothing to do with the church. My mother had an anger problem when it came to the church and when I told her that I didn’t believe in the church she beat the hell out of me. My mother told me that if I ever said anything bad about the church she would beat the hell out of me and that as long as I lived under her roof I would continue going to church. My mother told me that if I left the church that she would disown me and that she would never want to see me again. When I was 12 years old I had to come to the understanding that my mother loved the Mormon Church more than her own son. All throughout Middle and High School I had major conflicts with the church and its teachings. Despite my mother being brainwashed by the Mormon Church she taught my sister and I to treat everyone equally and that women can do anything.
I fought so hard against the Mormon Church that I would often seek out things the church was against and I would embrace them. I started doing drugs, drinking, and having premarital sex at a young age because I wanted to rebel against the Mormon Church. I never considered myself an actual Mormon and was so ashamed of being associated with the church that I never told most of my friends. My sister and mother were so dedicated to the church that it caused many problems in our relationship. Although I never told my family about my drug and alcohol use or having premarital sex, they knew that I was slowly headed down a path of destruction and that I would ultimately leave the church when I was 18 years old. My mother had decided to relocate us an hour north of Los Angeles and my life was completely uprooted. One night my sister and I were at a church youth dance and my mother started snooping through my bedroom and found some letters that a girl had written me and read them. In those letters I admitted to having sex, drinking, and using drugs. My mother was so furious with me that she beat the hell out of me with a baseball bat and left a many bruises all over my body. My mother had threatened to kill me for disrespecting the priesthood and the church. My mother decided to force me to go to every church function and that I would never be allowed to miss church again. My mother felt that if she forced the church down my throat that I would embrace it and that I would be the son she always wanted. That night I had contemplated committing suicide because I was so miserable and depressed and I could not continue being associated with the Mormon Church. When I was trying to figure out a way of committing suicide that would be painless I had decided that I didn’t want to give the Mormon Church the satisfaction.
I decided that I would fake being a believer until I was 18 years old and then I would leave home and the Mormon Church forever. I decided to sober up and I decided that I needed to focus on my school work because I wanted to get into college and have something to fall back on when I left home. Around the same time my sister had just graduated high school and decided that she wanted to attend the Singles Ward. The Church had always taught the youth that when you return from your mission you’re supposed to quickly find a wife and get married. My mother was against this practice and wanted my sister to get an education before she gets married and starts a family. My sister met and fell in love with a return missionary and told my mother that she wanted to get married. My mother was adamantly against my sister getting married before she finished her college education because she knew the struggles of being married at an early age without any way supporting a family. My sister had been brainwashed by the church and behind my mother’s back she went ahead and planned her wedding. During this time my mother stopped going to church because she had been working so much that she was so exhausted that all she wanted to do on the weekend was rest. During this time I turned 18 years old and told my mother that I was moving in with a childhood friend and that I would finish high school back in our hometown. My mother knew that had I left home that I would fall back into old habits and that I wouldn’t graduate high school. My mother offered to let me stay at home until I graduated high school and that when I graduated I could leave with her blessing. I made the first important adult decision in my life and I stayed and finished high school.
Before I was going to graduate high school, my sister told my mother that she and her boyfriend were madly in love and that they had planned to get married in 3 months and wanted her blessing. My mother told my sister that she did not approve of her getting married at the age of 19 because they had no way of supporting themselves and that love quickly fades when you have no money to pay the rent or bills. My sister had told her church leaders that my mother was against the marriage and the church told my sister that getting married was God’s will and if my mother objected to the marriage that my mother was going against God’s will. The church leaders decided to take action and told my sister that they would help her find a new place to live if my mother kicked her out. When my mother refused to give her blessing my sister decided to move out and get married without my mother’s blessing. My mother was very hurt and felt betrayed by the church and my sister. My mother sought out the church leaders responsible for brainwashing my sister and tried to convince them that my sister getting married at such a young age was irresponsible. The church leaders told my mother that she had no right to object the marriage because my sister had been found worthy to enter the temple and get married. They also told my mother that because she was a women that her opinion didn’t matter because only a father can object to a church wedding.
My mother was so hurt by the church’s actions that she told me that she was not going to lose another child because of the church. My mother no longer forced me to continue in the Mormon Church and she accepted the fact that I do not believe in God. I eventually forgave my mother for all the beatings and hurtful things she said to me because I saw that she was genuinely sorry for all those terrible things she did in the name of the Mormon Church. My mother put all of her faith in the Mormon Church and raised her family in the Mormon Church because she thought it would bring us closer together. What actually happened was the Mormon Church broke apart my family and caused her such pain. I was 18 years old when I stopped going to church and now that I’m 26 years old I have to say that I am so happy that I am no longer a member of the Mormon Church. My mother and sister did not speak for several years because of my sister’s betrayal but they eventually reconciled. I can now say that my family is stronger than ever without the Mormon Church despite the fact that my sister is still an active member. My mother no longer attends the Mormon Church but still believes in the teachings of the Church. I believe that I learned how to be a good person by doing the opposite of what the Mormon Church preaches. I believe that the hardships that I faced as a Mormon made me a stronger and better person.