I joined the LDS Church in 1993, at 39. I'd been looking for a stable, healthy way of life and I was convinced I'd found what I sought. In retrospect, my decision was most likely at least partially based upon my desire to please the LDS man I was dating, but at the time, I was convinced that Heavenly Father was speaking to me.

The LDS man and I married. I was baptized three days after our marriage, on my birthday. That night on the way home, I was as happy as I've ever been. However, my happiness seemed to trigger something in the husband, and he launched into a verbal attack based upon my self-centeredness at being overjoyed at having been cleansed via baptism. The tirade lasted until the wee hours and he used words I'd never thought would be directed at me. I spent the rest of the night crying on the front porch, convinced I'd made a terrible mistake.

But the next day he apologized...there were all the presents I was too embarrassed to return and the parties I was too ashamed to cancel...my new church family kept telling me how wonderful we were as a couple...so I stayed. My lifetime friends and my birth family were very dubious and expressed doubts, but I felt I'd boarded a ship that had already left the shore and I didn't want to make a scene by jumping ship and swimming to the safety of the well-known shore.

So I stayed.

Fast forward 12 years...through a move to a very unfriendly ward (comprised of primarily very wealthy people, we working class folk were not included in social events and were admonished because I worked outside the home) and the birth of two children, both duly baptized and Sunday-schooled as required. My experience in this new ward never improved, but I'm a tough customer and I wasn't about to be driven out - after all, I'd been attracted by the principles, not the personalities, of the LDS religion.

But still...why couldn't I ever discuss certain aspects of past church history? Don't we grow and learn by our mistakes? However, if I ever asked about polygamy, not accepting black people into the church, or Brigham Young's rough riders/minute men, I was quickly shut down. I discovered that no mention of these topics ever came up in church-approved literature, and I was strongly, strongly encouraged to steer clear of any type of controversy. However, I live in the real world and was frequently questioned by non-Mormons about these issues - what was I to say?

In the meantime, to add to my mounting doubts: the husband and I took out our endowments in the temple. Sworn to secrecy, I never talked with anyone about how appalled I'd been by the secret handshakes, memorization and ritual that attended temple attendance and made no sense to me, then or ever. I did make one appointment with the bishop because I needed to tell someone of my concerns. However, the appointment was terminated because what happens in the temple, stays in the temple. So, not to be deterred, I waited until we were in the temple as a ward and approached the bishop there. I admit to not using the best judgment but I was desperate to get some answers. Needless to say, this action on my part was not well-received.

On the home front, the husband's anger issues increased to the point where we were no longer safe. I went to the bishop and said, "My husband is hitting me." The bishop advised me that I was a "casualty of war" and advised me to pray with the husband. I burst out laughing and walked out - really? This is divine guidance? I think not. I never made another appointment with a bishop.

Shortly thereafter the children and I left the husband. I planned on continuing to attend church (like I said, I'm stubborn!) but discovered that I was now effectively shunned. Women would come to me and whisper, "He is a fine man" and then encourage my children to sit with their families and the husband, who was skilfully playing the victim. I sat alone in the back with my heart breaking for three sacrament meetings and never returned. This was in 2004.

It hasn't been easy, but I am now divorced, I live in my own house. Finances aren't easy but we're getting by. And my children, while very angry with me for a long while because they'd been told that I destroyed the family, now understand why I needed to make the move.

Am I bitter and angry about my sojourn in the church? Not as deeply as before. One of the sisters who was the most critical of my divorce approached me one day in the grocery store about a year or so after I left. With a wide smile upon her face, she told me she missed me and hoped to see me return. I responded in a voice loud enough to be heard several aisles away that I knew how it worked - now that I was a lost sheep she'd get brownie points for luring me back in - and proceeded to tell her how hyprocritical I found her actions. I am happy to say that I have graduated beyond that behavior to being able to, when I see one of these women, respond to their misguided attempts at contact by saying something like, "Thank you! I appreciate your invitation. Please take care."

Do I miss church? I miss the dream of belonging to a church community with family values and inclusiveness. Have I joined another religious community? Not on your life! Today I have a direct relationship with God, and am perfectly content to have cut out the middleman.

I look forward to reading about your stories.