I wasn't sure what exactly to have the subject as or whether to post this in the exmormon or here but I chose here obviously. Up until about a few hours ago I was unaware these forums even existed. It seemed like a good place to vent my frustrations and experiences with "my" current faith.
Still attending high school, just turned 18, raised Mormon in the Mormon state of Utah. Due to this, my parents had a large family that they've struggled to care for for the past decade. Now they're divorced, despite temple marriage, and my dad and I along with my 5 other siblings are living with my EXTREME Mormon grandparents. Just this Sunday my sister and I, unwillingly, left with my grandparents for church at 11 AM and after attending multiple wards and sessions didn't arrive home until 7. Somewhere I remember Sunday being the day of rest? And then after that another hour of "applying scriptures to your daily lives" being hammered into our heads we were at last let go. My grandparents will do this every night and while speaking of the importance of scriptures have yet to ever pull them out.
Forgive me if this is hard to follow, on an iPhone and ranting at this point. What gets me the most about Mormons is the hypocrisy that is rampant everywhere. My parents were prime examples of "do what I say, not what I do." Both returned missionaries, now divorced and I attend church an average of 5 times a year. I'm told not to drink or smoke while my dad does both. My brother plans on going on his mission yet he's also permitted himself to punching my mom when she makes him angry.
Being raised in a family that was hardly active, I also saw some hypocrisy in the events I was forced to attend. Whenever we'd go to church, I'd have to be embarrassed by the unabashed stares by other ward members because we chose to show up for once. It was hardly welcoming and didn't make me inclined to return. Whenever I'd have to go to young women's, I felt repeatedly left out of the group if I wasn't already done with my "progress." No one expects a laurel to never have started and when I asked no one offered more help than words of encouragement. I just feel ashamed whenever they talk about baptisms for the dead or patriarchal blessings because I haven't done or had either.
This is just going all over the place. While a lot of the church's beliefs I respect and agree with, I never learned HOW the church is important to up keeping the ones that I feel matter. I don't think I'm a terrible person for not going to church every day. I can come up with some sap testimony on the spot if asked and it makes me sick realizing what a bunch of bull it is to me. I don't need the church to strengthen my family and all it's ever done for mine is tear it apart.
I'm also tired of living up to these expectations. With Mormon friends, Mormon parents and grandparents and uncles and cousins, I'm forced to. I love my family but should I ever stray from the church I'd be a failure and a shame to them. It's scary to the point that I don't think my dad would go to my wedding. I want out but currently have no way to without getting disowned. I'm so tired of being trapped Mormon but I can't go it on my own right now. So ill continue to go through the acts and hopefully I can be myself without being looked down on for it.
Sorry for unorganized, unclear, and messy rant. Just wanted to throw it somewhere