Please allow me to introduce myself. I have been known in my hometown as an apostate Mormon ever since I was 19 years old. About a year ago, I returned to my hometown to help my dad take care of my mom after an untreated hernia caused her to get very sick and almost die. Now that she's better, I've been trying to leave because there are no jobs here for exmormons unless I go back to my former career and/or go back to church. I might go back to my career, but I will never go back to church; not because I was offended and shunned, but because I found out the real truth. In fact, I am still finding out things that shock me about the Mormon church today.

I'm in my mid 30's now and am thinking it may be time for me to officially resign because I'm tired of being bugged by TBMs every few months who go in search of their "lost sheep". I haven't done it though because (mostly) I don't want to hurt my parents and because (partly) I'm still scared of the repercussions of having my baptism taken away. I don't really believe it would happen but, just in case, I don't want to find out. I don't have any endowments, so there's no scare there. Of course I know I could just get rebaptised, but I'm lazy and once I'm out, I'm out. Darn that church indoctrinization. Will it ever get better?

This is my story:

I was BIC and my family has huge ties to the Mormon religion. My mother's side was one of the first Mormon settlers in a very small town in southeastern Arizona. My dad's side of the family are very proud of the fact that one of my ancestors has a statue of him in SLC because he was one of the scouts who helped BY find Zion and heard his "This here's the place," speech. My step-grandma is also known (at least to her grandchildren) for rewriting the tune to "Three Little Indians" and coming up with the lyrics for "Book of Mormon Stories". Yes, the ties are very strong with this one...LOL

My mother is a TBM and my father is when he wants to feel needed in the church. I really have no right to judge them because these are the memories I have of my parents from the time I was 11 years old and up because that's when one of my elder brothers died in a freak accident and my father has since blamed himself for not being able to save him afterward. My memories of before this incident were warm and fuzzy ones of singing primary songs about "Popcorn Popping on the Apricot Tree" (how does that happen?); getting up in front of the whole church with my mom to sing "My Mother/My Daughter"; and being proud of the fact that I was asked to sing and introduce the song "We'll Bring the World His Truth (Army of Helaman)" to both the primary and during sacrament meeting because I supposedly had a beautiful voice. How they tried to brainwash me, but it didn't work.

I remember going to the temple after my brother died and not being allowed in, so my cousin and I decided to go to the Visitor's Center and walk around the temple. I was uncomfortable being in the Visitor's Center, but I remember thinking how pretty the outside of the temple was (it was during Christmas and there were lights on the fake deer). The flowers were still in bloom and the pools were very inviting (I wished I could take off my shoes and go swimming). As we walked, my cousin gushed about how she wanted to get married in the temple (a few years ago she finally got married to a convert and she got her wish) and I suddenly blurted out that I didn't want to get married in the temple. I grabbed my mouth and widened my eyes. I didn't know where that had come from, but it was true! She was shocked and asked me why I didn't want to get married for all eternity. I explained I wanted to be sealed to my husband for eternity, but I wanted a beautiful outdoor wedding where all of my family could come and celebrate in our matrimony. As I said all this, I became more adamant that I would never get married in the temple. I think that was the beginning of my untestimony.

At the age of 12, I went to the temple twice to do baptisms for the dead. I never felt worthy enough because I had a problem with masturbation. I confessed my sins and went to the temple the first time and, just before I changed into my baptismal clothes, I was asked if I was on my period. When I said yes, I was told that I was unclean and was given a set of towels to hand to the other "clean" young men and women. That was mortifying. While I waited for everyone to change, I walked up to that strange altar engraved with oxen and tried to see if there was a room under it. I never felt the spirit and I remembered thinking, "Wait! Doesn't the Bible teach about not having graven images?" Yet here they were in God's own temple. I didn't accept the temple after that, and I never wanted to go back. However, my mom and the young women's leaders guilted me into going back one more time. As a reward for my "service" to the church, my mom and dad gave me some money for the mall on our way back home. That second time my ward went was the last time I ever stepped foot into a temple. When they gave me a slip of paper with the names of the people I was supposed to do baptisms for, I remember thinking how strange it was that 4 of the women had the same name (Mary Ramirez or Gonzalez--I remember it was Spanish) and one only had a first name. I didn't feel the spirit during that trip either and I vowed that I would never go back.

Growing up, my father's job supposedly got in the way of his going to church. Of course I saw it as he would rather stay home and "rest" for work instead of take us to church because every time we got home, he was miraculously "rested" enough to be watching a football game instead of being a good church member. On the rare times that he did go, he boxed mine and my brother's ears because we were too loud in the pews. Thus, he often left it to my mother to instill the values of the TSCC into my brothers and I--with her warning us that we would "get it when we got home"; which we often did with the belt.

From this, I learned that I too could run away, and I often did go and hide after she dropped us off (and so did my eldest brother) only to come back and sit through sacrament meeting (if she felt like it). My mother was the organist in the RS and there was a time when one of my father's brothers joked that my father was going to be called to be the next bishop (one of his brothers actually became one). Then there were other times when my father wouldn't go to church at all and even lost his temple recommend. So, I knew there was something wrong with the church at a very early age, but wasn't given the choice to make my own decisions about going or not until I was 16. At that age, my parents gave me the choice to either go to church or stay home and clean. Thinking this would allow me to make the choice that they wanted for me, they were appalled that I chose the latter.

Both were disappointed with this decision and the YW presidency retaliated by giving me the calling of being the president of the Laurels--a calling I accepted after I decided (much to their dismay) that if I just called in the most molly mormon girls in to be my counselors, I wouldn't have to do my duty. Not only did this work, but I was never given another "calling" in the church again. I was a good child (I didn't drink, smoke, have sex) or any of the other things other so-called-goody-two-shoes young men and women around me were doing. I was picked on by some of these very "church going" children because I was fat and was a big nerd. What's funny is most of these people are still in the church and I am now out--not because of those reasons though. I'll get to that in a minute. I just wanted to point out how uppity some of these mormon families really were to my own family members...and yet, my mom and dad still want to be a part of that. I don't get it. Oh well. I guess what I'm trying to say is that my mom and dad have a good heart. They also accomplished what they wanted because I did indeed graduate from Seminary and received the highest young women's medallion (even though I ditched Seminary often and my mom set it up where the hours I worked voluntarily for the Forest Service--while I was in high school and college--went toward getting my medallion).

I finally left TSCC when I went to college (at 17) and started to hang out with nonmembers. In college, I remet the son of an exmember who I used to play with as a child. He and I had a lot in common (he was picked on in our hometown for not being a mormon). I soon started hanging out with him and his nonmember roommates instead of going to the Institute with my mormon friends because (shock) they treated me better than my so-called mormon "friends". My first college is about 8 miles from my hometown (and is in a very mormon community) so I was related to every mormon in town practically and my family is very well-known.

Eventually, I moved in with my exmormon buddy and his nonmember roommates after my dad beat the crap out of me one night after I came home from a college dance after curfew--yes, he was a very controlling mormon dad. This caused quite a stir in the community (the moving in part, not the beating because shock of all shocks it didn't happen--even some friends didn't believe it--I shouldn't be surprised though because the molestation of myself and my female cousins by a male cousin on Thanksgiving day in my grandparent's spare bedroom were pushed under the rug too) and my mormon friends and mom worried about my very soul. My mom even went to the lengths of calling his "apostate" dad behind my back to warn him that his son and I were (gasp) going to have sex if I lived with him. The dad asked my mom how old I was (18) and that there was nothing she could do about it because I was an adult now.

While living with my exmormon buddy, he told me about his family and their dealings with the church--specifically about the church history having been changed a lot throughout the years. I was a very curious young woman and decided to try and figure out if what he was saying was true. During this time, I was called in to one of the institute teacher's office because he was concerned about what he had heard about my exmormon friend's ex-girlfriend. Apparently, they had had sex (both their first times) and she claimed rape. I told him that while I thanked him for his concern, the exmormon guy and I had already talked about what had happened and I had also talked to the girl and she was lying so that she wouldn't be judged by the church for her behavior. While I was there, I noticed two books that my exmormon friend had mentioned "Mormonism, Mama, and Me" and "The Mountain Meadows Massacre" on one of his shelves. I innocently asked to borrow them and he reluctantly handed them over.

Two weeks later when I returned them, he shunned me. It was then I learned what I had (until then) only suspected; mormon women should not think for themselves. Also, we should NEVER question our beliefs. I was also coming to the realization that most of the mormons were only at college to get an eternal companion under the guise of furthering their education. A common joke at this college went something like this: "You know that blonde chick? You know the one? She's in choir? You know? She's waiting for her RM? She goes to the Institute and is majoring in an MRS degree and early education so that she can teach her children at home while her husband works? Yeah! That one!" chuckle, chuckle, and the joke went on from there. Very few women had goals to go to a university--unless they couldn't find a man after two years. Whenever people would get married, it was known around campus that they had "drunk the choir water". I can't count how many women drank a lot of choir water while they were waiting for an available RM that they would "feel up" (to check for those garments) while innocently talking to them in the Institute.

Thinking back, my own father never put any pressure on me to go to college. My own mother had a secretarial degree from Albuqurque, NM. She came back to my hometown, remet my dad (who had--when they were younger--first thought that she was his cousin because she's related to his step-mom). I guess that was ok back then because my own grandparents on my mom's side are 3rd cousins once-removed so the tree does not fork as they say. They dated for a full year--unheard of in the mormon religion I'm told--because my dad was separated from his first wife while my mom and I were still dating--a fact that was hidden from me until I turned 23. My parents LOVE to keep secrets. They got married in the church and were sealed to my brothers and I when I was around 2 years old. My aunt will tell you that I didn't want to be sealed to them even then because I wouldn't keep my hands on the altar.

My mom only worked until my eldest brother was born. They didn't really have a plan for me except to graduate from high school--which I did with straight A's--which led to a full-ride scholarship to the local community college. As far as I knew, I was only supposed to go to school for as long as it took to get a man, settle down into the church, and raise babies. In fact, the only reason I went to college is because my mormon friend convinced me it would be fun after taking me to some institute activities and school dances while I was still in high school (remember I was becoming inactive).

After figuring all of this out, I decided then and there that my goal was going to be to get as much education as possible and do what I wanted, not what I was supposed to do. My mormon friend is living the mormon dream (after dropping out of college when she found her man) and I now have a Master's degree. Sure, I'm not married, but at least I have a career and education to fall back on if I ever decide to go back to my former career or continue on to the unknown where I am currently at in life. She and another mormon friend from college are still trying to get their education to this day. I support them in their decisions and hope that one day they will eventually get theirs. I must admit that I had hoped that I would have kids by now, but that's hasn't happened yet and I'm not holding my breath. For now, I'm just happy to be the cool aunt to both my brothers' and my best friends' children. If it should happen that I get to be a mother, that would be great. I am not going to waste my time on earth wishing for what might have been though.

I have to thank that institute teacher, my mom, my dad, and my ex-ex-mormon friend (another even longer story for another day) for their parts in helping me gain a testimony outside of the mormon church. I've never been freer and happier in my entire life to be allowed to make my own choices instead of relying on TSCC to make them for me. I hope to one day completely break free and resign when I get the guts and no longer feel bad about hurting my parents for my decisions.

I'm glad that I found this site so that I can no longer feel alone in my decision to leave the Mormon church. I understand what it's like to struggle with indoctrinization and am hope that my story can help someone else with their own struggles with TSCC.