I came from a very devout family. My father converted from Catholicism to marry my mother. When they were married, my father’s mother was heartbroken that she could not attend the wedding. My mother’s mother is a very diligent and well-known Mormon in her community. I have 32 cousins. My family left Mormonism almost 16 years ago when I was eleven years old. When we left, I was so confused and angry.

We left because my mother had an affair with another Mormon man she had met in a Roadshow. I have very little understanding of the punishment my mother endured when her affair was discovered. She basically refuses to talk about it. All I know is that when I was nine years old, my parents sat me down and told me my mother had an affair. This discussion was apparently mandated by the bishopric and also basically traumatized me. My mother and I never again had the same relationship, and to this day as a 27 year old woman, I still find it hard to forgive her. The most confusing thing about leaving the church as a young child is the way your entire life is disrupted. Literally, everything you have come to know about God, your family and yourself changes. Suddenly, my sister and I were the bad cousins. Our grandmother, the matriarch of our family, would regularly shame us in front of all the other grandkids. We were always made to feel like we were less than our faithful cousins.

Even after both of my parents stopped attending church, I went without them for two more years. I resented my parents, and I was always preaching the gospel to them. I was so so mad that our way of life had changed. I thought I was this good little Mormon girl, but it quickly became apparent that even the other members of the church were judging me because of my parents’ absence. Instead of caring about my presence in church, they would attack my parents. I just always felt I was on the fringes. This was after spending my whole life in the church! My mom was a very prominent Mormon. She directed Roadshows, made costumes for Roadshows, coached the volleyball team, was in the choir, and was Relief Society President. You would think they would have been kind to a defenseless child, but they weren’t. There were a couple events that I remember that led me to question my beliefs. Once while I was in the back seat of a van with my cousin, she asked me how many children I wanted to have. When I said I didn’t want any, she told me I could never go to the highest level of the celestial kingdom. I was so mortified. I just remember crying and crying, feeling so guilty because I had just been baptized. It was absolutely terrible. When I finally started questioning God, a light bulb went on over my head, and I realized that Mormonism probably was a lie. I remember it just hitting me while I was in bed one night, and I never went back to church.

Today I am totally estranged from all of my cousins and my grandmother. Even though our family has left Mormonism, it has not left us. My sisters unconsciously still operate under this “family is forever” idea, and they enable our father’s alcoholism because of it. I believe my father became an alcoholic because of his experience with the church.
Of course, I am grateful that I was able to get out at such a young age, but I still suffered so much hurt at a formative age because of this religion. I have been coming to this website for some time now. It has to be at least four years. It has really helped me. For the longest time, especially in high school, I felt so worthless and disconnected from my family.

My grandma recently sent me a letter. In it she said she knows someday I will find my way back to the fold. I think this is the most damaging part of being a former Mormon. Your family puts you in this whole other awful category. You are no longer their family. You are an apostate. You should be pitied and prayed for. It feels good to put this out there.