I was one of the good ones: Seminary, Institute, EFY, temple marriage, everything. I was so good at being Mormon and normal. I never drank alcohol or coffee, had sex. But I would occasionally swear, watch rated R movies, listen to music with bad language… Nothing to push me off the straight and narrow, but just enough to maintain a personality.

I was really happy being Mormon. I should have recognized my deep-seeded discomfort when I found myself reluctant to bring up my religion with people who were not members. I was cool! I just happened to be Mormon! See? I tried to tell people – it is possible!

I met and married my husband who converted to Mormonism after one missionary discussion. The esoteric nature of the church appealed to him, and I'm sure my reluctance to marry him otherwise played a part. We were married in a backyard ceremony and we were terribly happy. We lived outside of the Mormon-heavy Corridor, and many of the members of our ward were progressive, critical thinkers. We were happy.

I remember sitting in the car with a mutual friend who was struggling with the church's support of prop 8. He told us that he had donated $1 to GLAAD, and proceeded to tell his bishop during a temple worthiness interview about it – as a way to see if that counted as "being affiliated with anti–Mormon groups". I remember being amazed at the audacity and strength of character that my friend had. I also remember saying some terribly misguided, backward comments about homosexuality in general in an attempt to square my personal feelings with the rhetoric of my church. It never felt right to me. It didn't sound like the loving, Christlike view of Mormonism that I had clung to for so long.

"We're weird, us Mormons", I would think, "but we're really good people!"

We got sealed in the temple a year after we were married. I remember deciding before I went to the temple that people who said negative things about the ceremony were young, dumb Mormon girls who didn't "get it" and I was convinced that I would not be one of them. This framed my temple experience in a way that made me uncomfortable saying anything negative about it. I even went so far as to snap at a friend of mine who made a lighthearted comment about the temple hats. I was heightened and emotional because I was confused, sad, uncomfortable, and a little bored in the temple.

I started to drift away from regular activity when we moved into a ward that was a much more "culturally Mormon" than I was used to. I remember an older woman bragging about how she had thrown away all of the Diet Coke in her daughter's refrigerator in order to help her keep the commandments better.

And I got pregnant. Then I knew that my husband and my standing in the church needed to be addressed. We had a deadline for deciding if this is what we wanted to do with the rest of our lives and it was fast approaching. The thought that going through my head was, "what if our child is gay? We have to tell him/her that who they want to love was wrong? That the love they felt was an abomination?" I couldn't do it.

Then I went online. Then I read and read and cross-referenced and read some more. Then I felt the feeling that put me past the point of no return:

I felt betrayed.

I was smart. I attended church faithfully every week. I could handle hard doctrinal concepts. Why, then was I lied to? Why did the church propagate half-truths and lies when I was solid enough to handle any weird doctrinal issues?

Why did the church commission, print, and hang paintings of Joseph Smith translating the Book of Mormon in a way that was completely inaccurate? Why does the church address Brigham Young's polygamy as an odd historical blip, but fail to even mention in passing that Joseph Smith had 33 wives? That the practice of polygamy was an open secret well in to the 20th century despite Church leader's assurances to outsiders that it was ancient history? Why didn't the church trust me?

It didn't matter anymore. I had been lied to. I had made my decision to be and stay Mormon based on omissions, half-truths and lies. I was trying to change the system from the inside! Help the world to see that Mormons could be normal and fun!

I was wrong. And I will be wrong until the members of the church embrace the freedom of critical thinking. Almost my entire family is still active in the church. Do I want them to feel the joy of a family hike on Sunday mornings? Do I want them to spend their free time cleaning their own homes (not the church building), have 7 nights a week to do whatever they please instead of the 2-3 that aren't tied up in church activities? Of course! But mostly, I hope they have happiness. If not, I hope they find it soon.

I know I have.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/02/2013 09:14PM by roombazumba.