We moved to Happy Valley, Utah from Los Angeles in 1994. We are not LDS. My son was 13 at the time. My children were not allowed to associate with any of the LDS kids because they were not Mormon.

I decided to allow them to join the church (after they begged me) so that they would be accepted even though I am a nonbeliever. I figured it was a good idea to allow them to experience religious life. I was there to talk to them about it. So they went through the motions and were baptized and suddenly they were accepted in their peer groups.

Then my son had his “masturbation interview” with the Bishop and felt pretty uncomfortable about it. He thought it was pretty creepy, and wrong. It didn’t take him long to start questioning the Bishops intentions and that started his downhill slide with him. Bishops do not like to have their authority questioned, LOL!

This “stiff dicked, uh, necked, hard hearted” contentiousness brought on an intentional smear campaign by the Bishop. It was spread around the ward that my son was pissing in the parking lot and having illicit sex with young ladies on church property. That would’ve been the party trick of all time. His joystick would’ve had to be 675 miles and 6 inches long to reach its intended target as we were in California at the time. No matter to the Bishop. He had his own agenda concerning my son.

I remember the day fondly and with laughter. The front door burst open like it was a drug raid. My son came storming into the house yelling incoherently. He grabbed the phone and called the Bishop. What followed was the most beautiful, poetic flood of expletives that I have ever heard coming from the mouth of an adolescent. His last sentence was f*you, f*the church and everyone in this ward and you can tear up my membership application and !!#&%##!! shove it up your bum. Man, I was proud, LOL! I must tell you that this Bishop was later excommunicated and my son found new friends. But that’s not the end of the story.

My son saw the Bishop in the grocery store a couple of years later. The guy comes up and starts glad handing him, backslapping hail and fare thee well my friend! My son just looked at him and said “you realize that’s the hand I masturbate with”?

The end. mmmf mmffff BWAhaa haa haa!