I was never a Molly mormon, I never fit in, I was different. Even from a young age the church always felt cold and sterile to me, and I didn't ever feel good about being there, my mother only took us to church on Easter Sunday and Christmas and other holidays. My grandmother was the TBM. Her family (mother etc) were all TBM too. she converted my grandfather, She kept my grandfather in line, and shamed my mother all the time by comparing her to her 4 sisters and brother, about how devoted they were. They even kicked her out of the house at 19 because she was an unwed mother, and sent her to a home for "Such people" my family dynamic was so different then other girls. My father was sadistic, he beat my mother, would bend us over the bed with our pants down and beat us with bread boards until they broke and would glue them back together so he could do it again. I was also made to write 500 sentences a day if I ever got caught fibbing and beaten if they weren't perfect. Sometimes the bruises were so bad I was taken to the bishop (for council?), and was made to stay home so I didn't show anyone. My father kidnapped our youngest brother, after a car accident nearly killed us all. and we raced from AZ to SC, to find him. where my mother started attending church again. Although still infrequently, I hated going, I never felt good enough around the other girls. I was forced to go to the girls camp, but I didn't know enough about it to know I needed secret sister stuff and was humiliated further. At 11, my step father molested me, and my mother sent me away, gave me to social services and at one time told me she couldn't believe she had to compete with her daughter for her men. I was in and out of mental hospitals (dss had nowhere else to put me) and group homes. My mother saw my step father in prison, for conjugal visits more then she visited me. I was outcast by my family and no one believed what happened to me. In the corse of 4 years I was molested 3 other times by orderly's and men staff. At 15 I was returned to my mother who was again living with my step father. She had two other children with him. I started going to church again, but I was pretty messed up, and still never fit the profile of a mormon girl. I felt worthless and unloved. I started sneaking out, sleeping around,I thought that was the only way to get the love I so desperately needed, I started smoking and my step father and mom introduced my brother and I to pot. At 16 I was pregnant, and when I needed the church the most, they excommunicated me. I was hurt. How could god not know how much I needed him. How could he turn me away. This wasn't the love I'd heard so much about, needed so much. To make matters worse, my mother told me I wasn't allowed to stay anymore. So here I was pregnant, homeless, Car less, and friendless. I got a waitressing job and an overpriced trailer with a girl from work. Before my son was born, I got sick and my mom let me come home, she even threw me a baby shower. When my son was a year old, I was told to start paying rent, or to get out. I met a man at 18 and my mom told me to marry him so she didn't have to worry about me anymore, and maybe I could go back to church. My marriage ended 3 months later, he beat my son, pulled hair out of his head and burnt his feet with cigarettes. Going back to church wasn't an option anymore. I spiraled into drugs, and depression. Again how could god let this happen to me again... I met my now husband of 14 years online, four states away. The son of a preacher. He changed my life, showed me true love and devotion and gave me two more beautiful children. I learned of the god of the bible, and I gave my life to him. Now, my husband has a fatal lung disease, with a 3-5 year fatality. When I called my family to tell them, my husband had but one request. He didn't want the mormon church to pray for him, so I asked them to pray Individually and not to go to the church. My TBM aunt was in from Utah, Visiting because my grandfather has stage four lung cancer. She made my mom tell me to read the book of Mormon to save my soul. Well I didn't sleep for a week. I studied and researched and wrote so much I had blisters on my fingers. When I started to tell my mom I things that I found, My aunt would send me messages telling me that I wasn't going to the right site. The church only endorsed LDS.org She started calling me evil filled hate filled and self-serving. And shame on me I had people who died for this religion my grandmother included shame on me. They didn't want me to study They wanted me to read and conform. After the things that I've read in the last two weeks, I am scared for the souls of my brothers and sisters and aunts and uncles. But I know it will fall on deaf ears. I am seen as an apostate. I should come back to the family, and leave my evil ways. I am truly at a loss, how do you un-brainwash your whole family? I know now my mission in life is to teach the truth about the Bible, To share Gods love and mercy. I only hope it's not too late for them. My mother said she would read everything I've written, And try to answer my questions, But I don't think it will happen.