Hi. So I'm Catholic & my boyfriend or now (ex-boyfriend) is LDS.
We have been dating for about 5 months & it was his first relationship even though he is 27. We began a sexual relationship & we both had discussed marriage. I want to be married to a Christian & we thought things were moving in the right direction. His family are nice but didn't support our relationship as they want him to have a temple wedding & I won't convert.
So he moved in with me & didn't tell anyone in fear of being excommunicated. I got pregnant & a week later he told me that he can't marry me unless it's a temple wedding so we broke up.
He moved out instead of being here for me through the pregnancy.
He said he doesn't want to be excommunicated for living together out of wedlock. He hasn't told anyone that we were living together or that I'm pregnant.
My question is... Isn't getting your girlfriend pregnant & leaving her on her own worse? Will the LDS Bishop be more disappointed with that? Or has he made the right choice?

I understand that he wants a temple wedding & I can't give him that however I wish he were here to help. To go to the doctor visits, to be emotionally supportive, to feel the baby's first kick.

I just don't understand.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/21/2013 11:57PM by emma27.

You will be blamed by everything mormon.

They are horrible people.

They have been different from what I thought. I truly believed as long as you are Christian then it can work.

Slap him with a paternity lawsuit. He's on the hook for the next 18 years whether he wants to be a father or not. The law doesn't care what religion he is or where he gets married.

I am going to get child support one way or another.
When he said we were breaking up... I told him I wanted full custody & he agreed without batting an eyelash.
I don't want this beautiful child to grow up LDS but I do want the baby to know their Dad.
It's just got me very sad. I don't want to fail my child.
I feel like I'm being stubborn by not converting but in my heart I don't feel it's right.

He is just supporting the Mormon ethic which emphasizes doing what looks good rather than doing what's right.

You have actually dodged a bullet - a lifetime of being looked down upon and patronized while married to a man who thinks more of himself and his reputation than he does of a woman he supposedly loved.

Clearly his character is no good, honey, so you are also being spared the life of sitting alone at Mass while your husband is busy looking good at his church, earning points with the brothers while you struggle to raise his children.

And you might fill those empty evening hours by reflecting on the fact that you will not be with him and your children in heaven, that he will be "assigned" someone else and might even be getting a head start on who that person might be.

This is not a fine man and you are well rid of him, if you ask me. You sound like you are young enough to find someone with better ethics who would love to raise your child and have some more with you, in the real world.

Personally, I would notify his bishop so you can be sure the bishop makes him pay his child support before he pays tithing. Otherwise, he may pay the Mormons INSTEAD of supporting his child, like my husband did.

Paying tithing made him look good and paying for his children was not documented anywhere. After all those years we struggled while he invested his child support, he just tells everybody so asks that he paid "everything" he was supposed to. He just doesn't mention he didn't pay it until they were almost grown. He used their child support to invest in real estate.

I threw this in to give you an idea of the kind of thinking you can expect, so don't think you want to respect his desire to keep you as his "dirty little secret."

Best

Anagrammy

Is this kind of thing common?
He thanked me for teaching him about himself.
I found that irritating.

I am terribly sorry you have to go through this! This is never fun to go through.

I'm a little one sided with my advice so if you don't like it, you don't have to do it.

I totally understand not having someone there to help you through. Or worst someone who is but doesn't get why you are depressed. I also understand wanting the father of the child to be there for this new child you two had made. I also understand that the guy could also careless.

I'd suggest offering the chance for him to get to know the child. I actually had gone over to my ex's house and told his parents because he wouldn't. He didn't care but I told his family I wouldn't keep the child away from them. (I had later miscarried, which was a major blessing as this guy was in jail for raping a child).

I wouldn't suggest going to his bishop to tell him about it as it would case your ex to lash out in a way you don't want him to. If he feels guilty enough, he will go to the bishop himself. (Seen it happen once in a singles ward quite a bit)

I don't mean to be rude in this next part but I am very opinionated towards men who have characteristics of abuse (been abused in many ways, I can read it). If your ex won't take responsibility now (though he could be scared out of his wits) then he may not in the future. I don't want to scare you, I'm not trying to do that, just trying to help.

There are also many ways you can get support in being a single mother. If you don't have a degree now, you can get scholarships for just being a single mom. There are a lot of people willing to help you! I have seen single moms take up offers from neighbors to have them watch their child while they work or while they go to school. Family could do this too but I don't know how your family is as you don't mention them.

There is also the YWCA who could also help. Don't know what they can help with exactly but they are the YMCA for women...

I could be wrong on some things as I most likely don't have all the facts. But I really hope you pull through this.

Thank you. My family isn't around. They were missionaries. My dad was from South Africa but passed away. My mom's side is from Ireland and she too is gone.

In Mormonism its ALL ABOUT APPEARANCES so I'm not surprised he is doing what he is doing.

And he sounds like a selfish a**hole to me.

Ugh. I'm so sorry this happened to you. It was a despicable thing for him to do. The pressure from an uber-TBM family can trump everything else, and make you feel like you have no value as a human being in their eyes.

Could he possibly be using that as an excuse to avoid the responsibilities of parenthood? It seems odd that he would move in with you in the first place if he was so worried about being found out and exed for cohabitating, or if he was dead set on temple marriage when he knew your feelings about converting.

When we moved in together we had already picked out an engagement ring. He had told me that being married to me was enough. He has been "temple worthy" for about 7 years because of a porn addiction which I never judged him for & was trying to help him with. He had told me that maybe making love to me would help him & I loved him & wanted to make love to him too. But then he said after much prayer he now realizes that he has to have a temple wedding.

Unbelievable. I'm so sorry that your boyfriend chose the church over you. The Mormon church really has a hold over people. You are probably better off without him, but that doesn't make the situation any easier or happier for you. So sorry that you have to deal with this.

agree, with ALL.

once a Morbot falls off the (sex) wagon, their CULTure allows a guy to Blame a 'brazen hussy'; have U been:

-wearing 'immodest' clothing (sleeveless, low cut?)

- questioning Joey Smith?

-Attending (gasp) another church?

they'll find a way to Pile On, to preserve/defend HIM, not You.

sorry about that, we really are.

Send his parents a card announcing that they'll be grand parents. No need to hide the truth, which Mormons are great at doing.

ST

PS: Be glad that POS is out of your house.

Ha!

I agree with Anagrammy......Go and tell his Bishop exactly what happened. Hopefully they will make him pay his child support, and then ex-communicate him....

This is my view and advice.

First, this is a nasty thing for him to do. He needs to grow up and be a man and take responsibility.

Not "telling" won't fix anything. Now, you can go into action. You have a baby on the way. (Not always the time we have the clearest thinking! )

You could go to his bishop. An ultra sound and a letter from your doctor of the delivery date would make the point very clear!

This would force a meeting with the bishop. He could claim nothing happened, and lie. Might backfire on you. I wouldn't trust him. I'm covering all the possibilities.

Keep in contact with him. Know his address and phone number. Keep giving him opportunities to be part of the pregnancy. (I presume you are not very far along.)

I'm going to go at this from a practical, legal point:
When the child is born, go to court for child support, which could force a paternity test. You can represent yourself.
Document everything. Find out your rights in your state, and be well prepared.

Hang in there. Find a support system and take good care of yourself!

Thank you. I am about 4 weeks along. I am giving him every chance to be apart of our lives. Today I told him that no child should ever feel unwanted & they should know both parents. He has agreed to assist as much as he can financially. I am having him meet me & sign an agreement & have it notarized.
His Dad was a bishop of their Ward. Going to the current bishop would be so stressful. His family is so active & they already think less of me because the day after we first made love he told his Dad.
I am going to ensure that child support is paid, the state will assist in this.
I just don't understand not wanting to be there for the woman carrying your child & not being there for your child.
I told him that he is going to have to live with his choices & he said he was sorry & he is so inexperienced in such matters.

You have no parents to help you out and this guy seems like a real jerk,Mormon or not.
So why go through the trouble of having his child.

Get an abortion and move on with your life.
This dog won't hunt.

It's not the child's fault. I believe any life is a blessing & I will raise this child with tons of love. I'm just really sad right now. But I am going to find my happiness again. I'm kinda scared of doing it alone but I have a degree & a good career.

It's your life.
But I think you seriously underestimate the problems you will have to deal with.

He's 27 TWENTY SEVEN!! and went and told his Dad he had sex. Does this not tell you something about him?
It is your life and your choices, I can understand that it will be hard being a single Mum, but really would life be better with this 27 year old?
My best is what ever you decide to do x

I was very surprised that he told his Dad. Right after we made love he got dressed then dropped to his knees & prayed. That kinda freaked me out but I tried to understand he had been saving himself for marriage. I feel as if he used me to experiment with.

And he may of done, you will never really know. Going over questions that can't be answered will be of no use to you at all.
Start with where you are now, seek support from those you can. Make decisions for yourself, make them for what is best for you.
As for what a Bishop would say; I think many would agree it depends of the Bishop and you could be flooded with examples either ways. Some are good - minority and some are idiots to be blunt.
Put yourself first

Thank you so much.

You should go on welfare after the baby is born and then tell the state that he is the father. They will then track him down, compel him to give a blood sample to prove paternity, and make sure that he either pays child support or that every month he doesn't pay goes on his tab with them that can't be bankrupted. Eventually if he doesn't pay, he will go to jail. The state should foot all of the expenses for this and will make him pay them back if he is the father. That will take care of the financial part.

As for the church, Bishops are trained by the church to not expect a man or a woman to take responsibility for the baby out of an obligation to take care of your own. How's that for a family oriented church? He is off the hook with them other than they might disfellowship or excommunicate him for a year or so and then he will be back in good standing with them again. Whether or not he takes any responsibility for the baby is not even considered in that process. Don't count on the church for anything or you will be disappointed. They won't acknowledge you or the baby in any way that relates to him. Thank god for the courts of law.

What? Would the church encourage him to distance himself from the child? Is it because we won't be part of his "eternal family"? I thought the church would want him to do the right thing. I know my priest would smack a guy who didn't care for his child. That's what churches should do.

They will most likely pressure you to turn the child over to a Mormon couple who are temple married.

Moreover, you will eventually see your bf marry a Mormon virgin.

If you have problems being a single parent, they will probably petition to take the child.

These and many other situations are most likely to arise.
Take heed.
Your boyfriend's behavior is a clear warning of things to come.

Thank you so much for telling me that. I had absolutely no idea that could happen. I'm going to call an attorney tomorrow & see what paperwork I need him to sign giving me 100% custody.
That is very scary. I know I can be a single mom. It won't be easy but I can do it. I'm more sad for the child not having their Dad around but maybe that will change down the road. I am thinking of having one of my friends stay with me or staying with them the closer I get to the due date so I'm not alone.

If you have a good career, my advice would be to Run. I mean, vanish out of this jerk's life. He is a cult member. The cult he belongs to are notorious for stalking and recruiting children into their cult. You will probably need help! Talk to your Priest. Hire an attorney. There are more important things than money.

My husband and I weren't allowed to be married in the temple, because I had been married before, and the Primary (children's Sunday school) taught our children that we were bad parents, and wicked people, for not being temple married. They frightened our children, by telling them that in heaven, our family would all "pass by each other as strangers" and not even know each other. This is the flip-side of "Forever Families." If you don't pay 10% of your income and go to the temple, the Mormon God will not bless you. Threats and fear are the basis of Mormonism. This is used to extort money from its members. Unconditional love is not taught, preached, or practiced in the Mormon cult. Christ is only in its name, to attract Christian members. Joseph Smith is their True Prophet, and he was a polygamist, a pedophile, and a known con-man.

Did you know that Mormons believe in polygamy in heaven? Your instincts about the temple are right!

Many Mormons are narcissists. Your boyfriend is very selfish, at the very least, and immature, and in denial. Don't count on the bishop or any other Mormons to help you. Women and Catholics are very low on their social ladder. The Mormons took the side of my temple husband, who beat me. Even though I got a civil divorce on the grounds of extreme physical cruelty--with witnesses and doctor's records--I was never allowed a temple divorce. The MOrmon cult leaders say that I still will belong to the wife-beater in heaven. My children (by my second husband, years later) will also be the property of my temple husband, according to LDS doctrine. That's when I quit. Mormonism is NOT God's work.

Your boyfriend's MOrmon family might want to hijack your child, to raise him as a Mormon. I would choose to have my children raised free, and not in an evil cult. Most likely your boyfriend would just find excuses not to pay child support, just as he is excusing himself now, by saying he's too "inexperienced" and needs to rely on his Mommy and Daddy. Mommy and Daddy might want to raise up another little slave to MOrmonism, to grow up paying tithing, going on a mission, breeding other Mormons, to serve the Mormon cult above anything else. Don't do it. You and your baby will lose.

Remember: Mormons are not Christians!

Oh my gosh! I am so, so sorry for what you have gone through. Thank you for sharing that incredible story. I'm so glad you escaped that relationship.
I am going to defiantly contact my attorney tomorrow. Everyone on this forum has been so kind & supportive. I really appreciate it. I feel a bit more prepared for what could happen.
I really hadn't thought of them trying to take my baby. I will never allow that to happen. Thank you.

+1,0000 to Joy. If you can support the child on your own, do it. You will both be much better off on your own and knowing your child is not being influenced by a cult is worth more than money. One other thing to consider, if he gets excommunicated, he might try to come crawling back to you and want to get back together. Don't do it. He has already shown his true character and it's not good. Focus on taking care of yourself and planning for the baby's arrival. I hope all will go well with you and that you will find people to support you.

I really don't want to judge you, but I just have 1 question - Why weren't you on birth control? You seem like a smart, responsible person, but having sex while not using any sort of birth control is very stupid & irresponsible. That is, unless someone is planning on having a child.

& I know you are a religious, pro-life Catholic, but I also advise that you have an abortion. I advise this only as a way of saving youself a lot of grief from having these crazy, insane Mormons coming after you & your potential child. My cousin's son was taken away from her after she divorced her ex, & the child was brainwashed by his Mormon grandparents into believing that she wasn't his biological mother. I don't want you to have to deal with anything like that. They could take this potential child away from you, & pretend like you never existed. They, in order to protect their precious "reputation", could take this potential child away from you, & tell them that they are adopted.

If you really want to go through with this pregnancy, I echo the advice to run like hell. I already think you made the mistake of telling your ex that you were pregnant. But get the hell out of there; move to another state if you have to. You have to protect yourself, & your future child, from being harmed.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/22/2013 06:11AM by Tristan.

As you have found out the hard way, Mormonism is not like the majority of mainstream Christian denominations. This is why board members here caution against dating a lapsed (but still believing) Mormon. There is always the danger that the individual in question will "run home" to the faith. And in most cases, for the given individual, it's the Mormon way or the highway.

As others have said, demand child support and get a lawyer. Once your ex marries there is the possibility that he and his new bride will go after your child.

I would also strongly advise you to give your child *your* last name and not his. He's done nothing to earn that honor. Plus, it will give your little family greater cohesion if you and your child share the same name.

Keep reading this board. It takes a long time for a nevermo (I am one as well) to learn about the Mormon church. You will need to know what you will be dealing with. And this is a great community of people.