Long time lurker; first time poster.

Eventually I will have my bio up even though I fortunately only had a toe in Mormonism.

I'm writing because I am curious as to how prevalent my girlfriend's situation is.

So here's the story: met this cute girl and we really hit it off. She seems well-rounded, cultured and very bright. She's far more reserved than I am and I think it compliments my personality. I only found out on the second date that she's an active Mormon which is great because it, being her religion, clearly wasn't important enough to tell (or scare me off) on the first date.

Fast-forward 4 months later and she's begging me to meet her parents which I dreaded because if I met the daughter's standards, why do I need to sell myself to them? Plus, girlfriend told me, but not in these words, that her mom is crazy: passive aggressive, depression, homophobic, and downright jealous.

So I enter the home and it's a mess. I see toys everywhere on the ground, an ironing board in the living room and clothes hanging from the doorways. I then remember my girlfriend saying that her mom is a stay-at-home mom which is perplexing; why is the house a mess if she's at home all day? (Sorry for being judgmental. I have a mom that worked and we kept a clean house.)

So I meet the mom and she seems normal and we had a very friendly first meeting. I get to hear about her family's trek to America after converting to Mormonism in Canada. I meet her sisters who are early teens which is kind of weird considering their sister, my girlfriend, is 21. But I we head to the back of the home to play monopoly.

While the mom is getting the board game out, I hear some movement in the next room and thought that it was odd because it seemed like someone was in that closed room. But I quickly forget I heard the noise.

An hour later, midway through the second game of monopoly, I go to use the restroom and there's a man leaving the restroom. I say "Hi!" and he greets me back. In his hand was a blanked he was sewing together. And I knew instantly from how he spoke (lisp), some of his mannerisms I realize that this man is gay (just going off stereotypes to be honest). I didn't think anything of it. He seemed friendly enough. It was just weird that I've been in this house so long and I'm barely meeting him.

15 minutes later the mother introduces this guy as her husband. HUSBAND!

Mormon women are still marrying gay men!?!

This is a deal breaker sadly. I swear if the girlfriend is homophobic like her mom is, the relationship is over. She will be a certifiable head case.

What type of sham is this? If my dad was gay and my mom found out, it would rain on earth directly on my dad's head if he tricked my mom. But with my girlfriend's dad, he screams gay. He couldn't hide if it his life depends on it.

This is some crazy ish. All my brothers' girlfriends come from nice, normal, intact and non-TBM families and I have this kind of crap to explain?

Should I run?

Yes. You should run. Run far away. No good can come of this.

Sounds like an episode of "The Twilight Zone". I dunno, if you like the girl, get to know her even better and learn if she's like her mom. If you don't like her that much, then break it off now.

I would be cautious about assuming someone is gay. I have made that mistake. (Very embarrassing!)

I also know of instances where gay men want a family and marry a woman with complete disclosure. The family most often knows the "deal." Whether they are all OK with it when they become adults, I don't know.

My advice: Find out for yourself what your g/f's position is on lots of subjects in the next couple of dates, then make a decision about whether you want to continue.

SusieQ#1 Wrote:
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> I would be cautious about assuming someone is gay.
> I have made that mistake. (Very embarrassing!)
>
Yes. I have an older cousin who has been very happily married to a woman for nearly 20 years now, and when he was younger, *everyone* in our family assumed he was gay. (Even now, some of our relatives still think he is gay and in the closet.) Certainly there are still gay men who marry women for a variety of reasons, but I personally think my cousin is straight and just seems "stereotypically gay"--mannerisms, etc.

Run beeotch!!

Lots of sweet fish in the sea.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/16/2013 05:59PM by derrida.

ROTFLMAO!!!

Ok, these are probably not the most important parts of your post, but the stuff about the messy house really bugged me.

I worked full-time when our child was an infant, and then quit to stay at home during the toddler/preschool years. Our house was messier then because we were spending more time there. We ate 3 meals a day in the house instead of only 1 or 2. That made for a lot more dishes, etc.

I do all of our ironing in the living room and watch TV while I do it. I hang the ironed clothes in the doorways until there are enough to make it worth a trip upstairs to the bedroom to put them in the closet. I am not going to walk upstairs with just one shirt. Sometimes standing there ironing makes my back hurt, so I take a break for a while. If I plan to finish the rest the same day, I do not bother folding up the iron and putting it away. So if you stopped by my house when I am in the middle of ironing, you would see the ironing board in the middle of the room and clothes hanging in the doorways. That doesn't mean that's where those items are all the time.

LOL! What a great response!

I iron my work outfit every morning. If I switched to doing it in the evening, I could shave 10 minutes off my morning routine. If I did it all at one time, it would piss me off too much.

exrldsgirl Wrote:
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> n/t


I iron some items of clothing. I prefer them looking ..well... without the wrinkles!
I also sew so the ironing board is always up.

The last thing I ironed was my high school graduation gown...in 1998.

exrldsgirl Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Ok, these are probably not the most important
> parts of your post, but the stuff about the messy
> house really bugged me.
>
> I worked full-time when our child was an infant,
> and then quit to stay at home during the
> toddler/preschool years. Our house was messier
> then because we were spending more time there. We
> ate 3 meals a day in the house instead of only 1
> or 2. That made for a lot more dishes, etc.

+1,000

THANK YOU exrldsgirl...that part of the post REALLY annoyed me too. I can assure the OP that his mom found it far EASIER to keep a clean house precisely because she did work outside the home. Families in which both parents (or a single parent) work full-time outside the home naturally have to put their kids in daycare or school all day. If your kids aren't home all day, they can't mess up the house. I do know one couple in which the paternal grandmother watches both kids all day at their home--but she also is a neat freak, so they get free housecleaning to boot.

My twins are only in preschool part-time, but when I occasionally have to leave them in full-time for even one day because I have a job interview, whatever, my house is noticeably cleaner. By the time they get home after a full day at daycare, it's nearly dinnertime, then bath time, then bedtime...no time for them to destroy everything, track in mud from outdoors, leave the remains of three meals (plus snacks) all over the kitchen, and on and on.... Plus, after being in organized activities all day, they're tired and so less inclined to rampage through the house for the few hours until bedtime.

Oh, and news flash: The families I know in which both parents work full-time outside the home all have professional cleaners come in at least once a month but usually weekly. They can afford to.

Sheesh. I personally think it sounds like the OP should run from this situation, but whomever he may marry and have kids with one day, I hope he's not going to expect his wife to keep a perfect house--whether she's a stay-at-home mom or not.

I totally agree. Seems obvious that a house would be messier if people (esp. kids) are there all day.

Oh, I forgot about the cleaning service! We had someone come in weekly to clean the house when I worked (even when I was part time.) I never even told my husband that there were other possible schedules such as every two weeks or once a month.

If you're really asking for opinions,

I say run run run, just based on the fact that she is mormon. Who cares about the gay angle or anything else? Do not get romantically involved with a mormon, there is a high likelihood it will lead you to M-I-S-E-R-Y.

The fact that she didn't tell you she was mormon in the first date has no significance. Have you not heard of milk before meat yet? This would just be another example of that concept.

You just have no idea how completely effed up and the opposite of "pro family" this organization is.

The COJCOLDS comes first, before family and before relationships. It uses cult tactics to recruit and retain members. It really does. Search the web on this and investigate it for yourself. It is one slick operation and it has all its members completely socially manipulated, psychologically programmed and under its gigantic, oppressive, thumb. It controls people in so many ways. You have no idea.


My son was recruited by his mormon GF, baptized at 18...they are now married. Don't believe it if your GF and her family say they are not out to convert you...the odds are extremely good that they will never be happy unless you convert.

Temple marriage is supposed to be The Most Important Thing There Is in the mind of a mormon. The Number One Goal in life. I kid you not. And most of them actually believe this. Note, if you don't know this already: to marry in the temple, both parties must be temple-recommend-holding mormons.

If you convert, it will likely cause all kinds of misery in your own biological family...that is the way it usually pans out, one way or another. It's a different world view, it may cause you to be dishonest with them, if you get married in the temple, they will be excluded from your wedding!, they will be so shocked and frightened as they find out over the years all the nasty facts about Mormonism, they will worry so much about their grandchildren being brought up in this travesty...etc. etc. etc.

Please, be good to yourself, protect yourself, take it from someone who has learned about Mormonism through pain...

Honestly my main concern would be the Mormonism. That is something that I would definitely have reservations about personally, especially if you are not interested in being Mormon and she is. BUT PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get to know this person first. Meeting the parents of a new girlfriend has almost ALWAYS been quite awkward for me. There is a very good reason there are funny stereotypes about these situations, dad cleaning the guns, etc. because they actually happen all the time and it is awkward all the time.

The dirty house; maybe you just caught them at a bad time, and depending on how many kids and how small the house is. Also it is not a good idea to really assume somebody is gay. I know people who are gay that you wouldn't even KNOW unless you were told, and I know some who seem gay and who are definitely NOT. Further, even if he is gay and just 'in the closet' so to speak, especially being in a Mormon family, then you absolutely need to hold your assumptions in because that is an EXTREMELY sensitive issue.

But the main thing, if the girl is great I would say don't rush to throw her aside until you know for sure she's not what you are looking for. (Honestly, if she is willing to date a non-Mormon outside of High School, I would say that is a pretty good sign.)

Maybe it's just been my experience, but i've never known a gay man who didn't live in a beautiful place. Usually ready for the photographer at any given time. So you could be wrong about dad.
Mom is obviously overwhelmed. If you knew how much time Mormonism takes out of your life you would see that.

IMO you should let this one go just because she's mormon. You didn't say, but i'm assuming she lives at home. Now if she grows up, goes to college and resigns from mormonism, ask her out again.

Your gaydar doesn't work right in Mormonland because it is a different social structure than you are used to.

This is not the only thing you will be wrong about. You will make other assumptions like a woman who stays at home and has a messy house is lazy.

Your whole life template does not match this situation and you will spend your time scratching your head trying to figure if your wife is flirting with the EQ pres, or if you are expected to take the sacrament from the Deacon and pass it down the row, stand or sit, raise your hand or not, etc.

And that's only the beginning. Besides being Lost in Space, which you see already that you are, you will be mad as hell when you realize that if you marry this girl, your entire side of the family will not be able to see you married in the temple (which she will insist on after she insists on you getting baptized).

Why in the world would you sign up for a lifetime of being chained to someone who spends every day praying for you to be something you are not?

And then will drag your children through the front door of a cult and probably make you promise that you will never speak of your own religious beliefs (or lack of them ) if you ever want sex again.

Run.


Anagrammy

It really doesn't sound like you have the slightest clue of what you are getting yourself into with regards to mormonism, especially a "believing" mormon marrying someone who is not believing.

Whether or not your girlfriend's mother is a sahm slob, or whether the father is gay, has absolutely nothing to do with your choice here and its likely consequences.

It's like the question you're asking is how much a salmon resembles a lawnmower, and to the extent that the salmon resembles a lawnmower whether you'd be better off buying a Toro or John Deere brand.

It's a nonsensical question to many of us ex-mos. No such thing exists. You're better off dating an ex-mormon or a nevermo without religious hangups.

Frankly, if you were smart, you'd look for a life-partner well outside the machinations of mormondom. In other words - run while you still can.

I'll add a PS to my comments above.

The point of finding out the position of your lady friend is to see if you are a match.

The more things you have in common, the better: religion is a major one!!

And be aware that LDS girls often find her choice of guys limited and creepy so they look for non-LDS guys that will be willing to convert.

Based on the contempt you have for this girl's family, yes, you should run.

I'm not persuaded that your assessment of them is entirely justified. You seem to be concentrating on some odd things, while overlooking very important ones. But your feelings about them are strong, and I don't see you overcoming them.

Your girlfriend may not like her mother much, but that doesn't mean she won't follow in her footsteps - have a lot of kids, want to stay home rather than work, want to raise her family in the LDS church, put pressure on her spouse to join, etc. etc.

My answer is to talk more. I have dated a lot of guys and because of my open and talkative nature I always, eventually, got to the point where I felt comfortable talking about EVERYTHING. Marriage shouldn't even be a consideration until you have reached that point with your beloved. When you can talk about every subject comfortably then bring up your concerns. But I have a feeling that you will get freaked out by this girls family way before you get to the comfortable stage. It really is true that when you marry someone you marry the whole family. It may not be bad enough to throw away a great relationship but if you do marry this girl you will be dealing with her family for the rest of your life. It is your decision but go into it with your eyes, ears, and gut feelings wide open. Always, always, always get all the facts.

Er, doesn't it scream odd that the dad was hiding, or was hidden in the BATHROOM? Gay or not, that's alarming and uncomfortable.

If it was me I would run away as fast as I could. Unless she was a nom and then I might consider staying.

-DFTBA-



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/17/2013 02:11AM by nerdfighter.

based on a lisp and mannerisms. I know a guy who 'sounds' gay, gets pegged for gay quite often, but is married and is perplexed by sexual assumptions people make about him. He says, non-defensively, that he is straight.

And since I'm not a mind-reader, and it's really not my business anyway, I believe him.

But yeah, I would cut your losses on this relationship. It's not good to be "unequally yoked". If she's TBM, she's going to have a lot of time sucked up in church, and a lot of stupid rules to follow. And it's not her fault about her mother, but sometimes those things rub off. You'd have to be on the lookout for that.

So, your girlfriend said her mother is crazy, passive-aggressive, homophobic, jealous. Most Mormon women I know are all these things. But, the red flag here, is that the daughter has no love or respect for her mother.

You have know the girl only 4 months. She is only 21. She is probably rushing things. Many Mormon women use sex to lure a man, so watch out for that. They will do anything to get a husband. By your writing, you are probably a "catch" and can find someone much better suited. You don't want your own future family to be dysfunctional, do you?

Most Mormon families are dysfunctional.

The posters are correct, who warn you that the Mormon church always comes FIRST in the lives of its members.

Another warning, is that Mormons are not Christians. They do not teach unconditional love. One of the leaders, in a recent speech said, "Unconditional love is anti-christ." I was raised in a high-ranking Mormon family, and I was taught that I had to EARN the love of my parents, and EARN the love of God, by being obedient. There was no love in my life, except outside the church. (I had great non-Mormon friends, and lived in an amazing little university town.) My parents did not love me, or my siblings.

RUN! End the relationship now! Mormons are taught from childhood in the techniques of manipulation! Hence, the "passive-aggressive" mother. That 21-year-old Mormon knows just what to say and do to pull your strings. The posters are correct, that she and her family will try to recruit you into their cult.

RUN, because of the cult thing.

Who cares if the father is gay? This might just be idle curiosity on your part, but I suspect it is an excuse to exit the relationship. When you find out about the secret Mormon practices and beliefs (for example, polygamy in heaven, baptism for the dead, the body anointing ritual for the dead, paying 10% of your income to help build malls and resorts, etc) the gay thing won't be an issue. Craziness is an issue!

Good luck to you in finding a new, normal girlfriend very quickly.

When you marry a woman, you marry her family, too for better or worse. If you can imagine spending every holiday with these people, go for it.

Moving on is not "running".

People date to see if they are compatible and if they aren't they move on.

I strongly advise to move along, especially if you do not care to come home to a mess after a day's work.

Unfortunately, a lot of women WILL turn into their mothers after a while.
This young woman is trouble.

Here's a few things to consider: if there are young children in the house, it is fairly normal for there to be toys all over by the end of the day. They will generally be picked up by a certain time, but that's what young children do. They get all the toys out of the toybox. And the mom probably likes to watch TV while she does her ironing. As board members above pointed out, the clothes hanging from the doors were probably already ironed and waiting to be put away. Her dad? Please consider that your gaydar may be off. I would keep an open mind about him.

The biggest issue is that your friend is a practicing Mormon. She will likely want an active, Mormon husband to take her to the temple. And that comes with a whole load of expectations that you can only dimly comprehend at present. Have a conversation with her about if she is looking for a temple marriage and to raise her kids in the Mormon church. If so, she is not the one for you.

Keep reading this board. You will learn a lot from it.