Dear ex catholic

I would like the chance to respond to your comments about me.
My husband and I paid for our sons wedding, and honeymoon for
A few reasons.
We love our son ( and his fiancée) at that time, unconditionally.
Her mormon parents had refused to help with anything,
Because she could and should be married in the temple, it was free. Their daughter wanted something else, so we opened our hearts and were thrilled to help them, no strings attached.
As a surprise, we sprang for the honeymoon as well.

I am sad that the two Mormon parents, hers- and their
New spouses were all given the correct time to arrive at the
Hospital. My husband and I were given a time many hours later.
Same date, and place.
Why would anyone do that? It's simple to my husband- we aren't
Invited to the actual birth... But can come by later.
That's just one example- the most hurtful so far, of how we
Nevermo's are treated completely opposite.
I've seen this girl break down in tears so many times,
Because her mormon mom would let her down repeatedly..
All we've done, and will continue is to love our son and his family unconditionally.

I would just like to reiterate - Do not talk to the Bishop FIL of your son. Only deal with the son and you'll have the best chance of finding out what is going on, what pressures he is getting, and helping him help himself in this situation.

Thank you! I will talk to my son . We've gotten gotten some
Very good advice here! My husband and I sure appreciate everyone!

Honestly, maybe she isn't comfortable having anyone but immediate family members there for the actual surgery. We opted not to have either set of parents there for the surgery because it's gory business. I did not want or need anyone there as I was vomiting on the table, shaking violently, and hanging out with my inner organs on the table. Some women just feel more comfortable with their own moms in that situation.

You sound like a very thoughtful and loving mom. I would say just give this woman the few hours between the actual surgery and when you arrive as she has requested, albeit in a passive aggressive manner. She will feel much better by that point (it's amazing what a few hours can do) and you can go snuggle your grandchild all you want. Don't assume the worst, and don't let it cloud the love you have for your family, your son, DIL, and her family members included.

Honestly, I am very surprised that you were given the option of having one or both sets of parents in the OR for a section delivery. I had 6 sections and I work at a hospital in EMS. I was only ever given the option of my spouse or ONE person of my choosing in absence of a spouse. As far as I know that is standard policy. Generally speaking, you also have to get permission in advance from delivering doctor/hospital to video delivery as well. Any family members in addition to the one allowed in the OR were settled in a waiting area until after surgery/recovery/settled in room/etc. If for some reason the section had to be under general anesthesia - your one person wouldn't be allowed in either.

I think you are attributing all of this to the Mormon factor and aren't being particularly introspective or realistic. The Mormon factor, I'm sure, shapes some of the dynamic, but in-law conflict has been around as long as there have been in-laws.

Lots and lots of women don't want their in-laws at the birth of their children. For many, they want to be surrounded by the people they feel closest to, or they may feel that it is a private event and they don't want a lot of "spectators." It's a stressful, vulnerable and emotionally intense time for the mother.

Would it really surprise you that your DIL doesn't feel as close to you as she does to her own mother? I'm sure the majority of women don't, even if they have decent relationships with their MILs. And you two don't have a good relationship. You clearly disapprove of her religion, her mothering decisions and her housekeeping. She's likely picked up on that even if you haven't directly been critical.

You said in your first post "My husband and I have not said a word, thought we'd ( obviously) Surprise them at the hospital!" This is exactly why they gave you incorrect information. They didn't trust you to stay away when you presence wasn't wanted. I've heard of several women with overbearing, meddling in-laws who have done the same thing, and I don't blame them a bit.

I have a pretty good relationship with my MIL, but it's been 34 years in the making. At first, we hated each other. She didn't approve of me having a career, of having an equal partnership with her son, where he is responsible for half of the domestic work, our child rearing decisions, our atheism, etc. The only reason we have a good relationship now is because dh and I established very strict boundaries and enforced them. She was smart enough to realize eventually that continuing to think she could meddle and comment about things that were none of her business would result in a termination of contact.

You don't love your son and his wife unconditionally, despite your protests. Your posts show your disdain for his wife and your expectation that paying for things like the wedding gives you some right to interfere.

If you want to have a good relationship down the road, back off. Let them know you are there for them, be kind when you have the opportunity, but stop expecting so much. I understand you are upset about not seeing your grandchildren as much as you'd like and you are very jealous of her side of the family. But pushing the issue isn't going to endear you to anyone. You have no rights concerning their kids and if you don't respect their boundaries, you're going to be entirely out in the cold.

Observers at a C-section or natural delivery need to be strictly limited.

But I also think it's insensitive for uninvited family and friends to crowd the waiting room expecting to see the baby immediately and barging in for an immediate social hour unless the new parents want them there.

Anyone who can't honor the wishes of the patient and her husband is marking a line in the sand and setting up obsticles for a friendly future relationship.

FYI.. I am not, nor ever will be jealous of her family.
Actually, I pity them. They are lost.

Birth is difficult on a woman. Being helpful and supportive means not barging in during the first hours and days.

My mother showed up unexpectedly the night I went into labor and exhausted me just before I had to be awake all night for labor. That was emotionally hurtful and medically inappropriate and I should have sent her packing.

In spite of your legitimate criticisms you need to dig deep for some compassion during this stressful event.

My daughter did not want any visitors at the hospital after the birth of her twins. I spread the word amongst our family. Some were insulted but I insisted they respect her wishes.

You need to think long term. If you make a big deal of this you might find yourself on the outside of other important events. Talk to your son privately.

Maybe she wanted her mother there.

But few women would invite in-laws to watch her giving birth. Good grief.

I agree with the above posters. You're DIL has the right to the birth experience of her choice. If that means her whole family there, but not you, that's her right, and you should respect it. Remember that she is the patient having a medical procedure done. No one else's wishes, not even your son's, matter in this situation. Giving you the wrong time may have their way of telling you that you arent wanted at the actual c-section. It was a poor way to do it, but please take the hint. It doesn't mean that you arent hurt, or that they haven't mistreated you, but this REALLY isn't the time or place to push the relationship.

I think it's the PERFECT time to make it an issue, that is THEIR grandchild as well, not just the fracked up Mormon bishop Father In Law's.

How is the time when a woman is most vulnerable physically and emotionally the PERFECT time to make anything an issue? How incredibly selfish to make the birth of a child about anyone other than the child and it's mother.

It might well be their grandchild. That and a token will get you a ride on the subway. Grandparents aren't entitled to anything.

If the OP chooses to make a big stink at such an emotionally delicate time, the ultimate outcome isn't likely to involve the DIL thinking more highly of the ILs or inviting them further into her life. It's just going to cause further alienation and a confirmation in the DIL's mind that the ILs are bad news.

It does not matter what the in-laws paid for or how many CARE packages they sent, this does not entitle them to a front row seat while their daughter-in-law gives birth.

Such expectations are unreasonable.

Making a huge deal about this will cause problems forever.

I never once stated that we were going to " attend" the birth. No one except our son will be present- hospital regulations.
So sorry if I implied that!

My concern still is the disregard for us, her husbands parents. Ex- Catholic, I will continue to pray that you find peace, and
Understanding. You seem very mean, and lack empathy.

Well THAT was very snarky. Excatholic was Very Sensitive and right on the money. Too bad broken hearted isn't there yet, CANNOT hear the message that all these posters are making quite clear. Right now, it ALL about mother and child! Truly.