God Almighty of the Corporation has inspired me to read your threads and understand that I must call you to repent of your sinful ways and return to the Church of the Corporation. Yea, the one and only true Church. I have read of your sins of loving one another even of the same sex which the President of the Corporation decided was a crime against his god. Yea, you love one another and care for one another which is not being obedient to the commands of The President. You know that only your Bishop is inspired to determine who you will be friends with. Yea, you are to be close friends with only your Bishop, Home Teachers and Visiting Teachers.

You MUST STOP ALL manner of trying to learn the truth. Truth does not bring you closer to god. All truth is not necessary for your salvation. Only the truth your one true President of the Corporation ye the chaser of widows and their purses and skirts determines what is necessary for you to know to enter into heaven. Ye, be obedient and learn to lie for the lord.

You must stop all manners fornication and repent of your desires to sin by drinking good tasting liquors, beer, coffee and all kinds of drinks such as tea. All these sins were created by the devil himself to prevent you from paying a full and honest tithe to the Corporation of the President. Yea, the President of the Corporation pays the cost for you to drink tap water while cleaning the toilets and chapel of his holy churches. God created tap water for your health.

I have been instruction to lead all of you in the True Order of Prayer at this time. All the women reading this shall cover their faces at this time and where they are.

Raise you hands high above you and repeat 3 times. Oh God hear the words of my mouth while lowering your hands.

Say these words out loud where all can hear them:

Oh god, forgive us for leaving the one true church and seeking truth and knowledge which is not good for us to know. Yea, make us dumb and obedient so that we might always pay tithing and never need help from the corporation. Make us love the boring meetings and want to attend even at the cost of losing our families and love ones. Bless us with a good brush to clean the toilets in your chapels, malls and temples.

Repeat this prayer daily until you feel good knowing the god of the Corporation wants you to once again follow him and pay your fees (tithing) for believing.

Bow your heads and say YES.

Gays, Lesbians, Polygamist and Poor people are not loved by the god of the Corporation so do not repent until you are RICH like unto Mitt.

Your posts like this always make me smile, keep it up.

I'm SAVED!

The spirit of Stan which possesses me says: Screw you! I left the corporation so that I could do whatever sins I desired without being called to repentance. Know ye not that I exactly fit the stereotype of ex-mormons as described by the holy president of the corporation? My life is sad and bitter and my dentist says that I gnash my teeth too much.

I have known the truth according to the corporation and I allowed worldly facts to destroy my faith so it is too late to save me. You will have to wait until after I am dead, then some kid can get re-baptised for me. Only then will I repent, under duress of course, so that god in his infinite mercy can make me suffer slightly less for eternity than I otherwise would have had I not repented in the spirit world.

Lastly, I beg you not to command me to leave greenpotato in the name of Jesus Christ. It isn't fair that I, Stan, am allowed to create all of the sins and all of the suffering in the world, only to be forced to obey a few magic words.