Can you ever really have been in love, I mean really, deeply, truly have been in love, with someone who betrayed you and pretended to be someone they weren't?

Does the pain ever go away? When you've given yourself heart and soul to someone, how do you turn around and give that to someone else? Why is it torture day in and day out? How can love like that come more than once?

I'm dealing with the same thing right now. I didn't necessarily get betrayed. I fell in love with a ***ahem*** woman who was in a relationship (not married) and she fell in love with me. We both realized that it was wrong and broke it off. It still hurts me 6 months later. I have never been in love before this and I finally knew what love is. I'm in a relationship now, but I'm not in love. I want to have what she and I had back.
What I'm doing now to get over it is serve other people (yeah, I know that sounds very morg of me) and show gratitude for other things in my life that bring me joy.
Advice to you, remember this, so that you can help someone else who goes through this in their life. Remember how you got through it. I'm sending possitive vibes your way. Please send them mine also.

I'm surrounded by the morg because I don't want to lose love. It is powerful. More powerful than the priesthood.

BUT. I think if my wife went on cult crazy on me, I think I could fall out of love with her. That isn't quite right. I don't think I will ever fall out of love with her. I think I would lose a sense of closeness and comforting and to have some of these things we've built over a lifetime together diminished because of a cult would force me away.

I don't know that I could have this kind of deep connection with someone else. Maybe, but I don't even want to try.

Sorry. Knowing true love is way more intense, powerful and true than knowing that the church is true - ah, because it isn't,

This woman helped me get out of TSCC, that's one of the reasons I fell in love with her. I told her a lot of my innermost feelings and bore my soul to her. She helped me get into a 12-step group too and this is where I developed a relationship with my higher power and that's the only love I have in my life that is more powerful than what she and I had. I don't mean to get religious here. It was getting into that 12-step program, by the way that helped me realize that my LDS version of the higher-power was different from what they were describing a higher-power should be. Sorry to get off on a tangent there.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that my relationship with my higher-power and my 12-step program are helping me get over her quicker, it's just what works for me, I don't think it's a one-size fits all fix.

Ouch Wrote:
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> I don't think it's a
> one-size fits all fix.

I don't either. I can't imagine what it would be life if my wife divorced me so she could have a "real" Mormon husband.

I believe I am with her because she is my soul mate - someone with which I've found I can be closer to than most people.

LDS Inc. discourages this because they see "one size fits all" as long as that size is a size that fits LDS Inc.

It's horrible for days, weeks, months...and then one day you wake up and realized you didn't think about that person all day and you start to feel really great.

Time really heals most wounds.

I hope and dream of that day.

It is heartbreaking when you married for life, but I realized I did not want to be with a person who was living a double life, did not respect his family unit, only thought of himself and I know I am so much better off. Sad at first, but I was well over it 9 months later. Glad to not have a person of such weak character occupy my time. Had so wished to have a man as honorable as my father, but for me that was not to be. So I keep my dad alive in my memory for how a family man should be.

We had our whole life together planned out, then suddenly I beame disabled for a time, and he threw me away like used toilet paper. That was 20 years ago, and it's still almost as painful today as it was then. I forced myself to start dating as soon as I could pick myself up off the floor anyway, and even though it's never felt the same with anyone else, I did find that there are tons of great people out there of far better character than that guy. The mistake I made was losing too much time waiting for something that felt as deep as that relationship.

In a few months, you may just look back and realize that you're over it. Or maybe you won't. Even if you don't, don't make the mistake of giving him or her one more minute of your emotional time. Give yourself time to grieve, then put yourself out there. You WILL find love again, and laughter, and someone who has whatever good qualities you thought your ex had, plus more. And you'll be wiser about recognizing someone who doesn't deserve what you have to offer.

Yes, eventually the pain will lessen. It may never go away completely, and it may last a long time, but it will get better. Be patient, look for new opportunities.

I was able to move on after losing the love of my life. It took about three years. There is still a little wistful sorrow, many years later, but the deep pain is gone.

Depends on your personality.

After a while, most people find that sorrowing after a narcissist or sociopath is counterproductive - they are invariably charming people without a conscience, who leave destruction in the lives of others.

Don't take it personally (easier said than done, I know).
For what it's worth, it is rare to go through life without encountering a few sociopaths along the way.

"charming without a conscience". That is so true. And I love that phrase.

It never goes away but with the passage of time you can learn to live with it. As my father used to say, you improvise. You adapt. You overcome. I was in love with a Mormon guy who was going to marry me until his family made him break up with me. I never saw him again after it was all over. Going though something like that rips you apart and leaves a gaping chasm in you that can't be filled. You have to learn to walk around it.

Yes, but expect that it may take quite some time. It helps if that individual is no longer in your life, even a little bit.

There are some very wise people on this thread! I agree that time helps, and also not seeing the person helps.

Perhaps it would help you to let go, if you realize that this person was pretending to be someone else, and you fell in love with something fake. (Like the Mormon church.) The persona you loved did not exist.

Before you make any drastic changes, maybe you need to find out more about your ex. Even hire a detective, if you must. I was in deep despair at the loss of my husband for 15 years, and I was especially upset about my poor children. He completely abandoned us--suddenly--and made it clear to me that he didn't care to see the children at all. He said, "I don't want a family, anymore." I became very busy and obsessed with raising my children alone, so my heart and mind were immediately elsewhere. Honestly, I missed our dreams, and the life we had shared--more than I missed my husband as a person.

When I found out that he had immediately moved in with a woman, and that he had been having an affair with her for two years, I felt it was my fault. He had fallen in love with someone else. Maybe I hadn't given him enough attention. Maybe if I had been more strict with him, more like a mother to him.... I was stuck in my own self-blame. What got me out of this rut was MORE INFORMATION. I discovered that my husband had had countless affairs all our married life. I even talked to some of the women, because they were neighbors and clients that I knew, and they admitted the truth. His first affair began one month after we were married. He was a serial cheater, and preyed on the weak. He was mostly interested in the chase, the seduction, and not in having a relationship. He was incapable of love, as most Narcissists are.

Maybe your "cure" is to look deeper into this person who betrayed you. Perhaps write down the details of his betrayal(s), to make yourself understand that his actions were real. Have a good cry--not for the love that is gone, but for how deluded you were. The truth is, that love is not gone: it is in YOU. It is the love you give that is more important than the love you receive. Keep on giving love, but to the right people. Give it to your family, to children, to charities, to animals and the planet. I like to give it anonymously. That way, I don't expect anything back.

I don't know you or your ex, but any creature that causes you so much pain, needs to be kept out of your life.

The betrayal and the shame of having somebody cheat on you can be debillitating.

You're right, when I finally discovered the true person that was my ex, and what she was capable of, and the wake of destroyed lives in her wake - it completely changed how I thought of her and what I felt for her.

Interesting to me, the tone / hurt / thoughts from this thread, vs. that of another thread here at RFM that sees affairs & cheating as a healthy natural component to a good marriage.

Yep, that other thread is crazy. Honesty in marriage appears to not be important to many of them. I agree with what you said. There is a huge element that many don't talk about when one spouse cheats. This is so hurtful not only to the unsuspecting spouse but to the kids. And they just can't believe the person they had put up on this high pedestal as being the perfect parent could do such a thing. All of this hurt to so many completely changes your feelings for the person and I am one who rarely thinks of my ex.

The faster you change as much in your daily life, including friends, the faster you'll feel better .

As for affairs and cheating, it's a matter of degree, in my opinion.

Some people only fantasize.
Some will take a full body massage, but it's strictly platonic, they say.
At a dance class, sometimes you switch partners, but I have seen couples who won't.
There are lots of Internet emotional affairs (lots).
I have seen married women grope a really fit man, and giggle about it.
Seen 40 year marriages, 10, 20, all in between. Sooner or later this comes up, and many times they split over it. Sometimes mutual, sometimes one partner is devastated. But, it's the rule, not the exception.

People need permission to smell the roses to SOME degree, or they will die. I for one, look at attractive people with no remorse at all, still faithful and over 25 years too.

But I also know my partner looks.

If you think you will ever be every fantasy, every need, and the only loving, emotional or even physical connection for any person, you will be hurt for sure.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/27/2013 05:25PM by qwerty6pack.

To the first question yes. You fell in love with the pretend person.That charade can't last forever though and you find out eventually you've been married to a fictional character or someone who was mirroring you, making you feel as though you had found your soulmate in life.

To the second question... it can take years for this pain to end but it does and you cannot beat yourself up if even 3 years later it hurts. Everyone is different and their amount of time to grieve a relationship.

My ex was cheating with our 16 year old babysitter when I was at work. He was 34. A letter from the state of Utah came in the mail for a court ordered DNA test on her baby the same day I was putting up the Christmas tree two years later. I found out there were several more affairs throughout our marriage. I loved him and he totally scammed me and the kids. The longest hurt was realizing that he never loved me and it was all lies and charade. But time will solve all of these feelings and now I am so excited to be ...not with him anymore haha.:)

I've posted my story FAR TOO MANY times. I now live with my gay "ex." I TRULY never thought I'd get over him. I guess I'm lucky in that he is still a part of my life, but it took YEARS to get there. I used to leave him long voice mail messages about how much I needed him. I bawled for years listening to music. I wore his wedding ring and mine around my neck on a chain. The list goes on and on.

I care about him, but I am not IN THE LEAST BIT romantically interested in him. I know this is odd--but even if he is gay, he has a much more difficult time with me having a boyfriend than I am with him having one. He always thought he could have it all--me and a boyfriend. It didn't work.

We get along great--better than we ever did married. I actually look at him now and think, "I married that man!?!?"

Yes, you can get over it.

Hopefully it does NOT happen again. You sound like you are hoping that it could happen again. Do you want that kind of superlative pain again.

Hopefully as a person gets older they realize that romantic love is B.S., a delusion of youth, an absolute fantasy. Life is actually easier with OUT being addicted to these kinds of infantile fantasies.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/28/2013 02:05AM by lucky.

What do you mean?!

watch the Terry Guilliam Movie "Brazil" , observe what love does for the male lead character.

Depends on what you mean by "betrayed" and "pretended to be someone they weren't."

My abusive partner defined "betrayal" as basically doing *anything* that they didn't want me to do (whether or not they told me about it in advance), including spending time with children or friends, buying myself new clothes needed for work, traveling to visit members of my family I hadn't seen in years, and talking to anyone at all about what they'd put me through.

Betrayal/pretending can also mean growing and changing past what the partner is comfortable with. My sister married a fundy Christian; at the time, she was one, too. Eventually, she came to believe something different. She decided that she didn't want to bear the "quiverfull" of kids, homeschool them, and completely forego the career she'd trained for.

She was upfront with her husband (my BIL) and tried to work with him to find compromises and middle ground, but he absolutely could not handle it. He claimed she "betrayed" him and "pretended to be someone she wasn't."

Not true. When they married, she WAS a fundy Christian. She really DID have the same goals and life plan as him. BUT -- she grew and changed. Dear BIL refused to recognize that such a thing can happen, and insist she (and Satan) had deceived him from the very beginning of the relationship.

....We never failed to fail, it was the easiest thing to do.

You will survive being bested.

Somebody fine will come along make me forget about loving you.

Lyrics from drug addicts, but good advice and perspective. You may want to read Annagrammy's most recent post. Much like her I had to stand back and say what is up with me? You may need to sharpen your intuition for the future, but not everyone wants to screw you over and plenty of folks want to be in love with you.

Yes, I think you can be "truly" in love with somebody who ends up hurting you. I am getting out of an abusive relationship where my partner was an emotional terrorist for years. He constantly accused, blamed, flew into angry rages, and beat me down emotionally until I used to flinch when he walked through the door. Everything I did revolved around the goal of not provoking his wrath. He constantly accused me of cheating on him, stealing his possessions, trying to take all his money, etc. etc. etc. Life was a nightmare.

He wasn't like that when we got married, but I don't think he was pretending to be someone else. I think he changed and got worse over the years we were together. People do that.

If it were me, I'd be questioning the necessity to "turn around and give that [heart and soul] to someone else."

A healthier approach might be to take good care of your heart and soul yourself.

The pain does not disappear ( go away) . What happens is that you walk through it ( hopefully in a healthy way)and overcome the pain. You will never be the same again, but in place of your former self will be a person who is much wiser for having the experience. You will even see the gift inherent in the situation. You will experience greater joy and appreciation once you're on the other side of the pain. Don't do what I did and numb the pain with alcohol, spending, etc. for years only to end up facing it at last.

You CAN do it!

For me ht has never truly gone away, but it has made me more aware. One just has to be philosophical, knowing that one is not the only person experiencing this common thing. It's much like losing someone. That never goes away, either, but you have to show up and open the store in the morning, anyway.